The Best Way to Handle Staying the Night for the Very First Time
For one reason or another, dates often take place at night.
While some people might attempt to get a daytime first date over coffee or a walk in the park, the dominant cultural script we have for dates (dinner, movie, bar) is one which starts some time after 5 p.m. and winds its way throughout the course of the day.
Meaning, if you are having sex with your date, it is probably late at night. And there’s a fantastic opportunity that may lead to a single person sleeping over following the hookup.
In some cases your date will probably be sleeping over at your place, but particularly for men dating girls, they are often invited to their date’s location as opposed to vice-versa.
Why? Well, a lot of women will feel more comfortable in their own home. Being alone with a person they do not know very well yet can be somewhat frightening, and having the interaction perform on their turf is much more likely to place them at ease. (Also, let’s be real, most single guys do not have very appealing living circumstances.)
Regardless, that first sleepover — if it is occurring the night of the first date, the first hookup, or later on — can make or break a fledgling romance.
Out on the town and dressed well, people may have the ability to put up a tiny façade, but at a more domestic setting, fresh from having sex, it’s easy to let your guard down and reveal the real you — and when that is not somebody your date is into, things may be over in a hurry.
So as to assist you pull off a comparatively mistake-free first sleepover, here are a few dos, don’ts and specialist tips from a collection of relationship coaches and psychologists.
1. Things to Do When Sleep Over for the Very First Time
The most important point to bear in mind while sleeping with a date is their experience matters, also — and how they feel about things could impact whether you ever see each other again or not.
“It is not just about you and what you are hoping for,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of”Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today.” If you are hoping to get a connection, what you do tonight (and after) can make or break the deal.”
To this end, Tessina suggests being normally considerate and kind.
“Be amiable, but not overeager,” she says. If you are dating a girl, you need to consider that she may not be used to having a man in her space. “Girls are often feeling fragile with this very first sleepover, so take it easy.
She also adds that if you are invited over directly, instead of after going out together — like being hosted for a romantic dinner, possibly as a second or third date — that bringing flowers is not a bad idea. But whether that is the case will depend on your age — younger generations may be weirded out by this overt display of traditional courtship.
Meanwhile, Connell Barrett, the founder of Relationship Transformation and a dating trainer with The League, says you ought to attempt to spend the sleepover seriously — even when the connection is not yet.
“The morning after, you need to make your date feel good about the decision they made — to take you into their bed, to be romantic,” he says. “While you are not in a relationship yet, treat them like your spouse, not a hook-up. Whisper sweet nothings, spoon, speak, tell them how great last night was.”
In accordance with Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness, it is not to make too many assumptions.
“Ask, ask, ask,” Caraballo says. “Every man desires different things, so there’s no one’right’ way to show somebody that you are a gentleman.”
“As a rule of thumb, it’s wonderful to be polite and treat people with courtesy, but if it is not real and coming out of your heart, odds are your date can sense that,” he says. “Either they will dislike that and allow you to know or will not think about your gentlemanly efforts significant and just proceed. The golden rule –‘treat someone how you would like to be treated’ — is a fantastic place to begin, and with occasionally checking in for optimistic cues you can make certain you’re on the path toward creating a fantastic impression.”
2. What Not To Do When Sleep Over for the Very First Time
When it comes to things to avoid, there are also a small number of those to think about. For starters, it is important not to treat the experience using a’been there, done that’ mentality, says Barrett.
“A major mistake is treating it in a casual, transactional fashion,” he notes. This makes the other person feel used and means you probably won’t be spending another night in their place.”
In terms of concrete specifics to take into account, Tessina notes that making a mess and having bad toilet hygiene are large don’ts, especially for a female date.
“Be clear in her place. Do not leave your things around,” she says. “If you use the toilet or shower, ensure that you leave it tidy.”
Caraballo agrees that a man’s usage of a woman’s bath can be a tricky hurdle to clear.
At the same time, if your date has roommates or lives with family, it is essential to be aware of that.
“Ask how you should act in accordance with their home rules (maybe do not walk around to the bathroom in the middle of the night, etc.),” Caraballo suggests.
Another great suggestion is to not be overly demanding or over-assertive. You may be accustomed to sleeping in a specific way, but at a new area, it is a fantastic idea to allow your date set the tone concerning how things function.
Needless to say, you can make requests — believe something like”Can it be cool if we leave the fan on? I get overheated easily at night” — but being persistent or simply doing exactly what you need may leave your host feeling annoyed or uncomfortable.
As before, the guiding principle here is courtesy. Irrespective of whether it is a cramped apartment or a sprawling multi-story home, their home is their distance and inviting you there’s a small gamble — so treat it (and them) with respect.
1 possible conundrum of sleeping for the very first time is that it can be a very romantic moment.
Sleeping in the same bed with somebody implies a certain amount of trust, and it is something which we traditionally associate with married or long-term couples. But if you’re just beginning to date, you probably do not know each other really well — which could make for an awkward mismatch.
If you lean into being intimate and affectionate, it may send another person a signal that you are very serious about them, even when you are not; alternately, in the event that you intentionally set the brakes on things like post-coital cuddling and pillow talk, they may think you are rude, remote or uninterested.
The best way to manage that uncertainty, based on Caraballo, is to be communicative, as opposed to overconfident about what your date is searching for.
“While I know lots of folks frown at the concept of being explicit in communicating, it’s always useful to check in with your partner to be certain they’re feeling comfortable and that you understand what their expectations are and if you’re able to meet them.”
Barrett agrees that being receptive to communicating is significant — and notes that you ought to concentrate on ensuring your host does not feel as though you’re just using them for sex.
“Be present to how your date’s feeling and do not overdo this, but tell them that although this is casual, it is about more than sex. They wish to know you enjoy them for who they are.”
4. The Way to Handle Leaving in the Morning
Among the main elements of a post-hookup sleepover is the way it ends.
Why? Well, that is the last time you’ll see each other for some time — it could be only a couple hours or it may be weeks. Or, if things go poorly, it might be for good.
If your time together was going well but you botch the end, that could leave an unpleasant aftertaste in your host’s mouth, as it were, and change their view on how they feel things actually went. However, by the same token, if the hookup was just so-so, you may still possibly turn things around by nailing your death.
Tessina suggests planning for the morning after the night before — this way you have some sort of strategy — rather than simply deciding what to do if you wake up.
“If you need to leave at a particular time, let your date know the night before,” she says. “Do not just rush out.”
Barrett agrees that talking the morning plan before you fall asleep is a fantastic move.
“If you are not sure you will want to lounge the morning away with your date, the night before, state that you are meeting a friend in the morning,” he advises. “This way, if you want to get a long, lazy sleep-in and spend more time together, you could always say you moved the appointment. And in case you’d rather get going earlier, you can bounce with no bad feelings.”
That having been said, if things are going well, Tessina suggests sticking around for whatever your host provides, such as coffee or breakfast, and possibly re-initiating a few of last night’s physical affection, such as kissing or hugging, and telling them you had a fantastic time the night before — unless you did not.
“If it was not wonderful for both of you, then say something like’I guess that did not go so well,”’ she advises.
Caraballo suggests taking what, if anything, you know about your date’s personality into account when you wake up the next morning and are thinking about how to proceed.
“This is highly subjective, and obviously pretty tricky land,” he says. “If you have not talked about the morning programs before the sun rises, I think the best bet is to be honest on your exit.”
What does this imply, exactly?
“Do what feels right for you, and think about what seems like a reasonable and ethically compassionate exit, given the interaction,” Caraballo explains. “Does your date seem like somebody who you love a simple note left? It all depends on the mood, but take the situation under account.”
1 thing Barrett cautions against specifically is staying too long — a situation which may make people too shy to ask you to leave or feel trapped in their own house, especially if they were not expecting you to be there originally.
“Do not overstay your welcome,” he advises. “Your date may have things to do. Ask them first thing in the morning,’What is your day looking like?’ They might have someplace to be. If they don’t and you wish to enjoy more time together, suggest taking them out for brunch, coffee or doughnuts.”
Even if you don’t go out somewhere together, finishing on a high note is a fantastic idea, Barrett adds.
“Leave your date feeling great,” he says. “If you wish to see them, tell them.”
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