Reading a Woman’s Smile - Is She Really Into You

Reading a Woman’s Smile - Is She Really Into YouSo what is in a woman’s smile? For many men out there trying to determine a woman’s intrest degree is similar to an unspoken language. “There are a great deal of studies showing that men believe women are interested when they are not,” says psychologist and researcher Carin Perilloux of Williams College. Perillox and her colleagues conducted research of”The Misperception of Sexual Interest” in guys, lately published in the journal, Psychological Science.

“Know that the more attracted you are, the more likely you are to be wrong about her curiosity,” states Perillox. Despite the fact that there’s more of a possibility of being rejected,”overestimation is much more significant,” states Perillox. Her study finds that the more frequently a guy tactics a girl, the greater change he has of finding a partner.

The analysis went on to indicate that men who were really attractive didn’t misperceive the woman’s interest level in them, irrespective of whether he believed he had a opportunity. Further demonstrating men are from mars and women are from venus. So if a smile is not a surefire sign that which is?

– She Hangs About

If the conversation is lingering yet she {} moving away odds are she is digging you. If all her friends want to leave the pub but she is hanging out in your desk in no hurry she may just be waiting for one to make a move.

The majority of women that want to know more about a man is going to do a little detective work prior to making her intentions obvious. If she is asking around if you’re single, who you’ve dated or other personal questions about you chances are she is testing the waters to determine whether you would be into her.

– She Makes Contact

Whether it’s intentional or not when a woman likes a man she will be attracted towards him. So in case you feel she’s brushing against you, cconstantly touching your arms, sides or some other taps and pats she may just be feeling out you.

If you are in a social setting speaking about upcoming plans and she injects herself to them which is normally a fairly good indication she needs to be in your future. When it’s the game coming up this weekend or a party you we are invited to should you find her in these places and likely to meet up on a regular basis it is a strong probability that she would like to be in your future.

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What Screws Us Up Most in Life

There’s at least one missing child. A beautiful little thing I would love intensely. Maybe this would be the first holidays where she was old enough to be excited about a visit from Santa. Maybe she looks like her mom.

Of course, maybe she’s not a girl at all. Maybe my third-grader has a little brother instead. Three little boys, even if one of us is disguised as an almost-40-year-old.

The house is different. The plan was to move.

Thanksgiving and Christmas Day plans are different too. What was supposed to be busy and filled with family will be something else.

Maybe my imaginary daughter or son would have just been disappointed anyway.

I always had an idea in my head about what Life would look like. It never occurred to me it would be anything but that. But then Real Life happened.

We’d always talked about two kids. But after abandoning my wife in the hospital five hours after she delivered our son via emergency C-section, and then leaving the creation and management of baby logistics to her throughout most of our first year as parents, I think I sapped her desire to go through anything like that again.

I once asked her if I was the reason she chose not to have more children.

She said yes.

. . .

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.

. . .

I read that yesterday in MBTTTR commenter Drew’s excellent blog post about marital affairs.

This is a Life Thing I had picked up on when I was still young. I always said: “Expectations are everything.”

And what I mean by that is, my enjoyment or disappointment in something—or rather, my initial perception of something’s quality—was based entirely on my expectations prior to the experience.

Things like movies and books taught me this.

I can go to the theater to see two movies of approximately equal quality, say Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and Avatar; or I can listen to two new albums for the first time—say AWOLNATION’s Run and Brian Fallon’s Painkillers—and my feelings about all of them are predicated entirely on what I thought heading in.

I thought Avatar was going to be the greatest achievement in cinematic history. It didn’t achieve that for me. The Force Awakens met my expectations entirely. Both movies, in my estimation, are of equal quality, but I like Force Awakens quite a bit more, and I think that’s why.

Same with AWOL and Brian Fallon. I expected to like the AWOL album. And I did.

I didn’t have any expectations whatsoever for Brian Fallon (front man for The Gaslight Anthem). And that album kicks ass. I don’t know whether I think it’s better than AWOL’s or not. But BECAUSE it was an out-of-nowhere pleasant surprise for me, I have a major fondness for it.

Maybe everyone does this.

Maybe I’m a little extreme. Or maybe some people are much better at accurately predicting their emotional responses to things, and maybe those people have much happier and healthier relationships and lives as a result.

I only know that pretty much all of my life experiences are impacted greatly by whether Real Life meets, exceeds, or falls short of, my prior expectations.

This has implications for my human relationships I’ve yet to wrap my head around.

This Isn’t Where I Thought I’d Be

Divorce changed everything.

That’s a MAJOR reset-button push when you don’t see it coming, or are in denial about its inevitability once a certain amount of breakage and ugliness has poisoned the marriage.

Everything in the very beginning is a blur.

When everything is broken on the inside of you, the world looks skewed and it’s impossible to tell whether what you’re seeing is wrong because it’s actually wrong, or because your brain’s Reality Calibration is busted.

I had just turned 34 when Everything became Something Else.

After a lifetime of companionship and/or reliable care from loving and responsible adults, I woke up to silence and a reflection in the mirror I hardly recognized.

Everything felt unsteady and out of balance, and even now, I can’t be sure how much of that to attribute to the psychological and emotional trauma of ending a nine-year marriage and losing half of my son’s childhood, and how much was simply the radical change in environment.

Where there used to be a person making noise in the house—Being a mom. Eating dinner with me. Talking on the phone. Watching TV. Walking around.

Where there used to be life and conversation and full calendars and partnership and the pitter-pattering of little feet and the stability and reliability and comfort that comes from waking up to This Is Normal And Right… there was nothing.

A void.

. . .

I was obsessed with dating at first. Not actually doing it, per se because I wasn’t very good at it and it all felt so, just, off. Wrong.

But at age 34 the ticking clock was louder than I’d realized. And I felt like filling the new void in my life quickly should be a priority.

After all, I was clearly the kind of guy who got married and lived that kind of life. Which meant, I faced the monumental task of finding someone who fit what is probably an impossible list of criteria, that I then loved along with any children she might have, and was loved by her (as would my son be), and felt secure enough in all of that to get married again.

When you’ve never been single and divorced before, it’s easy to imagine that happening in a three- to five-year window (which I did).

But then Real Life happened.

The clock ticks.

The calendar pages flip.

The seasons change.

You mark another line higher on the wall where you measure your child’s height.

You tell him to put on a pair of pants only to discover they no longer fit.

One Christmas turns into two, and then three with a fourth fast-approaching.

And then you wake up, and it’s today.

Divorced and Single Four Holiday Seasons Later

There was a part of me during the early days of this blog that believed I’d eventually have a relationship to tell you about.

Not all the nitty-gritty. I keep too much private for that.

But at least a birds-eye view of giving Round 2 a genuine shot while armed with what I believe I’ve learned about life and love and relationships. I thought maybe that would help people. I thought maybe that would help me.

But that’s not where things are.

That’s not Real Life.

In actuality, I’m just a guy who read a crap-ton of New Zealand travel guides so I can tell you all about the country, but I’ve never actually forked over the money nor invested the time to experience it myself.

(That was a metaphor. I haven’t actually read a bunch of New Zealand travel guides.)

But I’m not even sure that’s right.

That suggests fear. And I’m not afraid.

I guess I feel more like the tired old man coaching basketball (even though I certainly don’t think of myself as a “coach,” or that I’m qualified to instruct others in any way). I know what good basketball is supposed to look like, but am not inclined to get back out on the floor to play in any games.

Maybe I feel too tired. Or too old. Or too busy.

I don’t know.

I also don’t know whether to feel good, bad or indifferent about it.

As in all things, there’s some good and some bad.

But I’m learning to have fewer expectations. Less disappointment, you know? Maybe less joy, too.

I wouldn’t know.

. . .

I’m trying to remember what my daughter’s name would have been. The one I never had.

Julianne? Julie Anne? A J-name that stopped mattering the second I held my son.

Or did it?

I think about that little girl a lot. The one who never was.

And the family that isn’t. The one I used to know. And the one I’d imagined with them. And the one I was forced to imagine for a reimagined world.

But I wish I would stop. Because in The Way Things Are vs. The Way They Should Be, I’m not sure we’re always smart enough to know the difference.

And with these little ones involved, real or imagined, how much can we afford to get disillusioned by reality falling short of what we’d expected or hoped for?

. . .

Thank God she didn’t die after birth or from miscarriage.

Or that she didn’t fall ill.

Or that she never ran away or went missing.

Or that the courts never said I couldn’t see her.

Or that her family never lost her precious life.

Or that my son never lost his little sister.

And that we never had to sob over that too.

Maybe I don’t make it to today, had that not been the case.

But there’s still a bit of tragedy in Never Was.

And I can’t help but wonder sometimes about an alternative life where I chose other options and turned to different Choose Your Own Adventure pages with entirely different outcomes.

Because that would have been cute, right? Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade? Showing her massive balloons? Reminding my eldest to be kind to his sister? Putting up the Christmas tree and watching her face as we plugged in the lights for the first time?

I’d have liked that, even if the real-life version would have gone an entirely different way.

I’d have especially liked the part where I told her about that first night in the hospital where I stayed awake all night holding her so mommy could sleep.

Many years later, we’d teach older children how things that seem innocuous in a moment can redefine everything in the future.

We’d talk about having expectations. About the bad. And the good.

About regrets. And triumphs.

About fear. And hope.

We’d all show up, and just be.

Because that’s everything, really. Showing up. Being present. And being invested.

The reason my life is as it is today is virtually 100% because I failed to show up because I was too ignorant to know I was supposed to, too irresponsible to actually do it, or too selfish to actually want to.

It’s not always Life and Death, but maybe just Life and Never Was.

But sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference.

This post was previously published on Must Be This Tall To Ride and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Man Alive! –Last week’s episode was concentrated on female stimulation.  It is something men can overlook even though it’s a strong influence on whether a spouse is satisfied, in a relationship and in bed!As a heterosexual man, focusing on a woman’s arousal will make more pleasure for the two of you.  A woman who’s opened and attuned to by you’ll be happier, more loving and supportive.  AND let’s look at the opposite side of this equation — your pleasure!  As you’re part of the community I know you care deeply about girls. Your care is a excellent basis for a healthy and productive relationship.You simply need to look out for something I call gratifying, or giving, style  — putting all of your attention on trying to make a girl feel great and forgetting about your own enjoyment.More pleasure for you’ve got a couple of foundations…You need to know how your body functions and really be awake on your body so that you can FEEL pleasure. Along with feeling delight through giving, you also need to learn how to get (Many of my clients struggle with this!) And you must find clear about your desires AND inquire for them! She’s considered the”Dear Abby of Gender” and is a champion and advocate for all who need passionate relationships. She brings a mind filled with science and a heart filled with love for men. In our conversation we discussed: How men can tap into the natural healing ability of their own bodies Pumps and gadgets to keep your virility powerful Why it is important for guys to feel pleasure — both for oneself and in a connection Susan’s dedication to assisting couples revive passion, pleasure, and love Susan is a trusted hot sex adviser to countless and has sold a few hundred thousands copies of her 30 books. This is a must-listen for any guy who wishes to experience more pleasure!Even men on top of the game find themselves wanting more out of life. Man Alive is your source for men who want to have more meaning, a larger effect, unshakable confidence, a hotter sex life, more money, deeper love, strong friendships or a strong legacy.–A version of the post was initially posted on and is republished here with permission from the author. Do you wish to be a part of creating a kinder, more inclusive society? Combine like-minded people in The Great Men Project Community. ◊♦◊Photo supplied by the author.

How men can tap into the natural healing ability of their bodies.

The article Man Alive! More Pleasure for Men appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Doctor NerdLove, I was hoping you could possibly help me with an extremely tough situation I am in.

The woman I have been interested in for the last month, who’s also quite a great friend of mine, has a boyfriend who’s by no means a good human being. The other day I found that he’s cheated on her several times and I have decided that as a buddy it’s my obligation to tell her. I’m not positive if that is the right choice, however, and I’m uncertain how to tell her all. If you could please weigh in on this, I would seriously appreciate it! Thank you so much.

Waiting In The Wings

Well, you asked, but I do not think you are going to like my answer.

Here is what you can do, WitW: you back the hell away.

To begin with, let’s be fair here, only you, me and the Web: you are not doing this from the goodness of your own heart. You did not decide that it is your duty to tell her because you’re that great of a friend, you are trusting that when you tell her she is going to ditch her cheating scumbag of a boyfriend and fly to your arms as the person who helped her see the truth. Which, to be perfectly honest, is a fairly shitty reason to intentionally insert yourself into the middle of someone else’s relationship drama.

However, for the sake of argument, let’s match this out somewhat. Let us assume that I give you my blessing to telling your crush about her allegedly philandering beau or you chose to go and inform her regardless. How, exactly, do you believe she is going to react? Here is a hint: she is going to take it seriously. The only question is that she is going to be pissed at.

And the smart money says it is likely to be you. You might have noticed that people do not appreciate bad news. In reality, we tend to get irrationally angry at the man who brings us the bad news, whether it’s their fault or not; there is a reason why”don’t shoot the messenger” is a frequent term, after all. So you are already starting off with your prospective hunny-bunny ticked off that you are telling her that something is rotten in Denmark.

But then there is another step: why should she believe you? Have you got proof? Have you got unquestionable proof which you could actually show her? Proof that could not possibly be clarified? Because in case you do not, then it is likely to be your word against her boyfriend. And sure, her boyfriend could be an assbag, but he is still her boyfriend. This gives him more credibility in her eyes than you’ve… particularly if either of them know that you have got a crush on her. And believe me, if she does not, he almost certainly does. This will be leveraged against you — you are going to look like you are lying up so as to split them up.

Now let us add another wrinkle to the mix: what makes you so sure she does not know already? You do not say you understand when it occurred, if she discovered before, if he confessed or she confronted him {} they have worked or not. None of which will work out for you how you are hoping.

Let us throw a third wrinkle: how would you find out? Can you prowl through his telephone or emails? Because she is going to need to know… and she is going to need to know why, exactly you’re prying into her company. All this will make a difference, since it is likely to be demonstrating your schedule rather strongly. And if you two are not honest-to-god BFFs — that, from the sounds of things, you are not — it is going to seem like you went digging for dirt, even if we grant that your motives were as pure as the driven snow. And that will bring you right back to that credibility issue.

But hey: let us say that you have the ability to thread all those needles and she dumps her good, scummy boyfriend. Assuming she does not lash out at you for inducing her break-up, she is still not likely to swoon into your arms. She is going to be pissed off at men generally and in no mood for the attempting to be the next in line… in reality, she is probably going to resent it. Women do not appreciate it when men suddenly assume that the window of opportunity is open since they have literally just broken up with someone. She is going to need a while to recuperate and your hanging around so as to help her through this ordeal will begin verging rather seriously into Nice Guy territory.

In short: you have got yourself your fundamental no-win scenario. And you’re not likely to Kobayashi Maru your way through this.

This is not your business. Your becoming involved is just going to add another layer of drama to someone else’s relationship. And even under the best of circumstances, it is going to end badly for you.

Leave it alone.

Hey Doc,

Got a question for you. I am a woman who recently took the initiative and asked out a guy I had some chemistry with. We’re in exactly the exact same fandom world, and finding nice and ordinary people among us is quite infrequent.

I started to reach out to him email a couple of months ago. We had a couple of conversations, where he threw in some remarks seemed like bad attempts at flirting. Not everybody has game, right? But after initiating a few discussions, I decided to let him reach out to me, and he did not. OK. Fair enough. Moving on….

Then I reconnected him in a recent event, and he began reaching out to me with gusto — mails, pictures (clothed!) , etc.. He confessed to basically stalking me on social networking, though he does not actually have a social networking presence himself.

So after a couple of weeks of email flirting, I chose to be a grown-ass girl and ask him out. What I got back was a long, rambling email where he admits to being in relationship with somebody else, but he does not want to lose what”we have.” I have never seen evidence of him with a significant other, and I would be very pissed off if a boy of mine was having this sort of relationship with another woman.

There have been a few short email exchanges because my rejection. He has done all the reaching out — I guess either to take my temperature to find out if I’d still speak to him or checking in to make sure I have not sunk into a huge melancholy (trust me, I have not ).

What’s up with guys and their hidden relationships? Perhaps his rambling was a wonderful way to conceal that he just was not into me? Since I’ll run into this guy at forthcoming fandom occasions, what do I do? Frankly, I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated. I sort of want to tell him to go to hell, but I do not want to be the bitter bitch who hates him because he turned me down. I also need to prevent him, but that gets tiring, also. Trust me, if I had any idea he had a long-term GF or would turn me down, there is no way in hell I’d have asked him out in the first location. What was he doing beginning this sort of connection with me in the first place? Can I bother to keep a friendship that he seems to desire even though I know it will not be enough for me?


There are a whole lot of possibilities here TC. It is possible he was stringing you along because he enjoyed the flirty attention you had been giving him. Or it is entirely possible that once you reconnected, he decided you were cool and wanted to be friends. I can not say for certain one way or another — after all, I was not there, and without depriving you both and reading the transcripts, it is kind of hard to say whether he had been flirting — you say his match seemed kind of weak — and if so, how much of it was just flirting because flirting is fun and how much of it had been flirting with intent. All that being said: I do not believe he had been leading you on, and I do not believe he was deliberately concealing the fact that he had a girlfriend. Considering that you are operating in similar circles — fandom will be a small world, after all — it is entirely possible that he presumed you knew he was seeing somebody. Why didn’t he bring her up when you’re speaking? Well: I have not seen the transcripts, but it is possible that the subject just didn’t come up. I have had many, many discussions with my friends — people both — where we do not talk about our significant others just because there’s no call. It is possible — even advisable — to have a life outside your connection after all.

I also am willing to wager {} no idea you were to him. When you straight-up out him, he suddenly realized that you two were not on the same page and suddenly things got awkward. Or perhaps he had a hint that you liked him but was prepared to ignore it in hopes that you would wind up romantically interested in somebody else and you would not have this nascent infatuation between the both of you.

Either way: shit done got bizarre.

Before I get into what to do about this, I wish to deal with your question about what was he doing beginning a relationship with you whatsoever. Something to bear in mind is that men generally have more emotionally intimate friendships with girls than they do with other guys. It’s a good deal easier for men to open up to girls than it is for other men; regardless of how much people can talk about bromances, being open and emotionally intimate with another dude is still seen as being unmanly. The term”bromance” conveys the”ha ha, it is kind of like you are dating” pointed nudging and also not-quite joking, and men can be uncomfortable with this. Thus, we often seek out closeness from our female friends, who have a tendency to be less judgmental and more accepting of emotional openness. When you look at it from one angle, yeah, it may sort of look like a romantic relationship… but it is about fulfilling an emotional need than attempting to begin an intimate relationship or conduct an affair.

But all that aside, the immediate question is: what do you do now that this is out there, flopping about on the table like an Awkward Turtle? At the moment, you are feeling ashamed and probably a bit angry. Take some time to allow the sting fade along with the anger cool off. As soon as you’ve gotten beyond the immediate pain, you are likely to realize that it isn’t as bad as it sounds . Liking a dude who does not like you back the exact same way is not embarrassing. Getting turned down, while sucky, is not something to be ashamed of. All that happened is that you found out that the both of you were not compatible. In the long run, there is no harm, no foul. It’s tough to see it today, but with time and perspective, this will wind up being one of those things you look back with entertainment among the wackadoo elements of the relationship game.

He clearly expects to keep your friendship. As I am always telling men, one of the difficulties with being at the Friend Zone is that you are choosing to remain there. You state that being friends is not going to be sufficient for you — fair enough, that is a legitimate option. Just do not cure his wanting to be friends like he is offering you the booby-prize, or that being friends is a bad substitute for romance.

If you don’t wish to be friends with him and you do not need to spend the remainder of your time preventing him whenever you may be at exactly the exact same event, then I recommend you be straight with him. Tell him that he is a cool guy and you like him, but you’re hoping for something more.Let him understand that trying to be friends with him would to be painful for you and it is not fair to either of you to attempt to continue things when you are longing for something he is not able to provide you with. And then you simply let matters drift apart. If you happen to run into each other at events, then be polite, say hello and just keep going. If things get awkward, then simply acknowledge the awkwardness. It doesn’t need to be a teeth-grindingly embarrassing situation if you don’t let it be.

Very good luck.

This post was formerly published on and is republished here with permission from the author.


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Suzanne Somers, 73, Says She Gets Weekly Shots So She Can Have Sex Twice A Day

  • Suzanne Somers just celebrated her 73rd birthday.
  • She revealed on Monday in a Daily Mail interview that she and her husband take weekly shots to rev their libidos.
  • The shots known as PT-141, allegedly stimulate sexual arousal allowing Somers and her hubby to have sex twice a day.

Suzanne Somers just celebrated her 73rd birthday with a bold naked selfie. And there are no signs of slowing her down. The former Three’s Company actress opened up about her sex life in an interview with the Daily Mail on Monday.

According to Somers, 73, she has sex twice a day with her husband Alan Hamel, 83, thanks to weekly shots of PT-141, a peptide that supposedly stimulates sexual arousal and helps with low libido and sex drive. (Um, definitely talk to your doctor before trying this one.)

Somers went into detail about how the shots make her feel. “I’m kind of in that groove, like when you were younger and you’re in the mood all the time, and so is he because he’s on hormone replacements,” she said.

She also gushed about her discovery of PT-141: “I thought, ‘Wow, what a great thing,” she said. “Because men have had Viagra, but this is actually a shot for both men and women that’s not a drug. It just stimulates that part of your brain that says, ‘Hey, I’m kind of in the mood.'”

But the best part of the interview was definitely when Somers admitted that while she and Hamel take the shots to have sex twice a day, she doesn’t always make it the second round.

“I usually say I sleep through one of them. That’s usually that one at 4 o’clock in the morning,” she said. “But, you know, then again around 8 o’clock in the morning, I’m in the mood.”

Assistant Editor Alexis Jones is an assistant editor at Women’s Health.

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Gender – Losing That Loving Feeling?

Sex - Losing That Loving Feeling

Sex - Losing That Loving FeelingWhen you consider it, it is kind of absurd that men are expected to be”ready to go” for sex {} time the opportunity strikes. It is like telling Peyton Manning he would better be prepared to throw a touchdown whenever a random fan walks up to him with a football. Sex, like anything else worth doing well, takes a small amount of focus and in the event you can not silence your mind from the rest of your work and duties sex becomes a chore instead of an enjoyable activity.

How to Maintain Your Gender Life Spicy

The solution is truly easier than you think — and it’ll earn you some bonus points with your spouse at exactly the identical time. Ensure foreplay is a two-person game. You will be amazed how fast your partner will probably jump at the opportunity to take turns at massage or discuss in whispering sensual secrets to one another. If you are not well versed in foreplay here are a few fail save moves which will peak her interest without even turning off her.

– Start Early

You don’t need to wait until you are in bed to begin foreplay. If you are out on a date sit closely and caress her thighs.

If you rush through foreplay it will not give her the chance to completely immerse in the action. If you really want her sexual desires to stream you need to permit her head to take her to this alluring location.

Kiss her from her neck all the way down south. The slower you make your way down the longer she will crave to feel your touch and can not wait for one to slider down her panties.

Possibly the most important advice is not to over complicate your foreplay session. It may be anything that amuses your head in the moment and enables your body and mind to rev up to the concept of a sexual experience. You’ll realize that the experience itself can be heightened by building a small healthier anticipation and you will be conditioning yourself to feel more amorous on future events. Not bad for a couple of minutes of tantalizing fun.

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Getting Back With your Ex Destiny or Disaster?

Getting Back Together with your Ex Destiny or Disaster

Getting Back Together with your Ex Destiny or DisasterAll of us know those couples who split up just to get right back together then break up again. So what is the deal with those on again off again relationships and do they work in the long run? The key to answering this question is to recognize the issue at hand and then determine if fixing it and getting back with your ex is possible.

What caused the break up?

First thing you may want to do is ask yourself why you’re breaking up. This is a question you have to honestly answer before {} diving back in. Individuals usually split for one of 2 reasons 1 they really need to break up or two they need to control another person. In the event you or your ex breakup without the aim of breaking things off then you or another person is playing games which isn’t a healthy relationship and getting back together is guaranteed to end in another split up.

Can you Resolve the Situation?

As soon as you’ve identified what the matter is then comes resolution time. If you broke up due to infidelity did you get down to the reason you or another person stepped out? Whatever the problem was it is necessary to let go and proceed. Failure to forego the reason for the breakup is only going to put you back at the very same struggles you’re having before over and over (not healthy).

Another large problem with dating your ex is all the fun and fascinating things which produce a relationship great you’ve already done: first match, first kiss, first date, first time. When you get back together with your ex the trend is to bypass all those steps since you’ve already been there and return to love and sex.

The issue is somewhere between all of the firsts and the separation was the part where rift occurred between you and your ex and you’ll have to clear that hurdle to proceed. The secret to working out it is beginning back slow with a clean slate.

So what is a man to do?

If you feel like you’re ready to get back together and make it last by all means go right ahead. However if you’re feeling hesitation or pressure you are probably better off letting go and finish the relationship once and for all.

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Loneliness Is Fatal. . MEN ARE LONELY, or so we have heard. Not from our friends–which would require actually sharing our feelings, which we are not good at–but from an infinite cascade of think bits and scientific studies sounding the alert about the growing crisis of male isolation. Reluctant to participate with other guys on anything that could make us look vulnerable or too needy, we have been forcing the girls in our own lives to shovel our shit, getting”psychological gold diggers” from the procedure. The most cloistered among us have retreated into a type of petulant nihilism, finding strength in poisonous web forums full of self-righteous anger and Jordan Peterson quotes, a modern-day Fight Club where the first rule is not shutting up about it. Having more friends will not magically fix these issues —the actual solution is treatment, people –but we can all stand to get better at making and keeping friends, because social isolation is deadly. Men, who lose friendships more easily (and die earlier anyway), are most at risk. With no meaningful connections, they say, our only companion as we breathe our last are the flickering light of our notebook, open to the most recent trend report highlighting the connections between solitude and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, strokes, or suicide (death, death, and more death). . The heightened tenor of the anxiety may be fresh, but the problem’s not–and neither is the solution. According to a landmark UCLA study conducted in 1982, women’s friendships are normally based around”psychological sharing and speaking,” while guys connect through”activities and doing things together.” If you would like to keep your buddies (and you do not want to die), the experts agree, you must make real plans and maintain them. Grabbing beers, shooting hoops, tipping cows; whatever loose frame is essential to force another guy to hang out with you, just long enough that a real bonding accidentally slips through the margins. Needless to say, like making friends or tipping cows, this is a good deal easier said than done, particularly as we age. In our college years and in these shiftless early 20s before we begin really pulling our lives together, friends are merely there, splayed across the futon and waiting to be herded toward your next hangout with little more than a grunt of assent. But after careers and marriages and children start getting in the way, catching drinks needs a complicated process of organizing schedules and hazard assessment, measuring the estimated grade of pleasure against any possible negative impact it may have on the rest of our overbooked days, which sucks the joy from it. It is little wonder so many people decide to put away the actuarial tables and just stay home.But what if you can find the common experiences and idle chitchat which are so crucial to nurturing these links, without needing to be worried about hangovers, or babysitters, or perhaps putting on trousers? This is the idyll provided by multiplayer and”co-op” video games, which an increasing number of individuals have been turning to of late. Some 25 percent of all adults played or watched an internet game in 2018, according to a Washington Post-University of Massachusetts Lowell poll, and somewhat surprisingly, half of the respondents reported that”friendship” was one of the most important reasons for logging into, whether it was discovering new connections or checking in with real life friends they do not see as often as they would like. It is a growing phenomenon that queries the stereotype of the gamer as isolated, even socially maladjusted. And it is an increasingly common means for men to make the all-important action of doing something with their friends, even when time, commitments, and geography get in the way. . He had been forced to leave his school friends behind when he decamped for law school, and because gaming was a part of their regular, it looked like a natural way to stay in touch–through co-op titles such as Resident Evil 5 and then, as their homeless group swelled, rounds of Dungeons & Dragons. Nowadays, it’s only one buddy in particular he keeps up with throughout gambling, but it is also more regular than ever before, with both making time virtually every weekend to spend a few hours playing together. Matthew quotes at least 25 percent of these sessions are spent only checking in–speaking about their jobs, about Matthew’s new puppy, about his buddy’s break-up using a long-term girlfriend. They see manage to each other maybe once or twice a year, he says, and often they will chat through more conventional messaging platforms. However, it’s really the gambling that has kept them near, their idle banter during the loading screens permitting them to stay abreast of one another on a near-constant basis. “I think we would still be friends, but I do not know whether I would be considering it in precisely the exact same manner,” Matthew tells me. “Because this manner, we are always talking. There are a few friends I had been very close with but do not see very often, and when I do see them, I feel like the whole time we must catch up on everything that has happened in their lives. And I don’t think that way.” Even in the relatively young age of 27, Lucas had lost track of a few of his friends, many of them he had known since elementary school. Gaming gave him the pretext he needed to reach out to those men he had once spent almost every day with, huddled around a Nintendo 64, but had not heard from since. He looked up their old usernames on his Playstation, and through games such as Rocket Leagues and Fortnite, he was able to rekindle lots of these old friendships through biweekly sessions, learning about the surprising turns their lives had taken. He informs me that gaming reduced a number of the inherent awkwardness of getting those sorts of conversations over the telephone. “I’m a fairly open guy, and I believe some of my friends are not,” Lucas says. “So after losing touch, it took some time for some of these to start up. Now, however, I think we could be quite honest with one another. Having the sport to play kind of breaks the ice. . Brian, 53, has a similar story. His trio of friends met in precisely the identical astrophysics department back in the’90s, spending their downtime massacring aliens at the first-person shot Marathon within the institution’s local-area network. After graduation, as everyone dispersed to various nations, they kept it up by playing Halo through Xbox Live, meeting every single Monday night for almost a decade and a half today. Although one of these friends has more or less fallen off (“He is waiting for the new Halo,” Brian explains), Brian and Greg still devote a couple of hours online together weekly, using voice chat to gossip about old friends and coworkers, commiserate about their jobs, and also fill each other in on important life events. “It is how I found out that he was getting married again,” Brian says. “He said he wouldn’t have the ability to play for the upcoming few weeks because he was going on his honeymoon. I knew he was dating someone, but I did not know it had gotten to this point. And I guess I told him the exact same thing. I just said,’Oh, I am getting married next week. ”’ . GRANTED, FROM AN outsider’s view, maybe this does not seem like a lot of friendship. If you’re able to just sort of casually announce something as life-altering as your wedding as you’re waiting for a screen to load, are you actually linking? But obviously, this is a question that is not specific to video games. In a way, it is the defining existential tragedy of our era, where we spend more time interacting with each other’s different social networking profiles than we do the much less curated individuals behind them. Games are just the most recent, most literal manifestation of this sort of virtual friendship.A few years back, since the discussion grew louder about this illusion of familiarity created by our online connections, there was plenty of renewed talk about”Dunbar’s number”–the theory from evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar that people are capable of preserving, at most, 150 stable relationships at one time, regardless of what your Facebook”buddy” count says. As he made the trend-piece rounds, Dunbar reiterated that Facebook, et al. were no substitute for face-to-face interactions, or the neurological and physiological reactions we get from performing real-world together, sharing a laugh or a fleeting touch on the shoulder. In 2014, he advised The New Yorker the information is still pending on whether the younger generation, that has been increased on these sorts of virtual interactions, can finally form the exact sorts of relationships. Still, Dunbar and lots of his fellow researchers have cast doubt on their capacity to make truly lasting bonds–or worse, to help people develop the necessary social skills to locate them. . Dr. Geoffrey Greif shares Dunbar’s religion in face-to-face connections, although he is reluctant to say virtual relations are somehow less real. For his 2008 publication Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, Greif interviewed over 400 men, and they all had different ideas about what constitutes a buddy. When I ask him to weigh in on whether video game friendships are”actual,” he reaffirms that it is up to the buddies to decide. But he adds, though playing games together would provide more psychological and intellectual stimulation than simply passively watching TV, and obviously any communication is much better than none whatsoever, he points out that it does not offer the exact benefits you’d get from being in the same room together.”If I am only interacting with individuals on video games, I am not going to be receptive to these other ways that friendships can be emotionally and physically fit to me,” Greif informs me, giving me the case of a buddy noticing that you have put on weight and indicating you find a physician about it. It’s the type of useful (albeit rather shitty) little thing friends do for each other obviously, and it is simply not possible once you’re just avatars on a display.Dr. Greif says his initial reaction to anyone who says they invest all their time talking online is to advise them to cut it down to 90 percent, and use that remaining 10 percent to seek more ways to engage with the world face to face. Still,”If someone is lonely and they find a method of communicating with people around video games, which helps them, then I believe that’s a fantastic thing,” he says. Microsoft While not one of the men I talked to distinguished themselves as lonely, per se, a few of them admitted to turning to games as a way of coping with social anxiety. When Belvin, 23, was barely out of school, his dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The ensuing year of dropping him in”slow motion” was catastrophic,” he tells me, and Belvin spent a lot of it as a recluse, not able to muster the enthusiasm to go out and meet new people, or even participate with the things he enjoyed doing. He spent about four nights a week playing Fortnitewith friends who had splintered off at graduation, which he says kept him from falling into full-bore despair and isolation.”Video games lasted me through a really dark period,” he says. “Having the capability to play video games with my buddies –that led to both conversation and a shared action, with a comparatively low investment for me–was really useful in keeping my spirits up.”Belvin says he did not really talk about his dad’s illness during gameplay, mostly sticking to the type of”typical male surface-level discussions” about music and TV shows that specify men’s friendships, both off and online. But he also doubts that he would have spoken about it face to face:”I just have a natural tendency to not want to bring people down,” he says. Mostly it was just the fact he could find somebody every evening to speak to, about anything and nothing, without needing to pull himself together enough to leave his flat. It was a precious lifeline when he needed it most.For Scott, 38, the connections he has made through gambling have long since transcended superficial chatter to offer a similar sort of emotional support. Scott has played with the baseball simulator Out Of The Park (“like fantasy baseball however nerdier,” he clarifies ) with the identical group of men for around 15 years, all of whom he met through the game’s messaging board. He now believes many of them to be his best friends, and they remain in near-constant contact during the private forum where everybody congregates to speak intimately about their own lives; some do not even bother playing the game. . Through time, they have attended each other’s weddings and helped each other through divorces, provided career counseling and parenting guidance, and generally been around for each other in a manner that would probably place your own company softball team to shame. And if you ask Scott, these are the sorts of connections that could only happen since of the eliminate that gambling allows, which has enabled these guys to share their authentic selves with each other in ways that they likely would not be able to otherwise.”I think you know each other on a more personal level, in fact, and the space form of helps with that,” Scott says. “I’ve really strong friendships in real life, but I do not think there is that depth of personal connection. My real life friendships, you know, you talk about things, but you {} tell all. It is always easier when you are able to type out your ideas. You’ve got the time to collect your words and determine what you would like to say. It is intimidating to be face to face with someone, trying to determine how to tell them what is happening in your life or how you actually feel. Here, it’s like you are talking to other folks, but it is also like you are talking to yourself at exactly the exact same time.” Getty Images And in spite of the fact that these discussions may be occurring in a purely fanciful setting, and lack the pure give-and-take you would get out of having them in person, that does not make these digital communications any less”real,” they assert.”Much of our expertise in this century has showed us that all sorts of interactions can have significance to us, even if they are purely text-based, or auditory,” Belvin states. “People listen to podcasts and feel like the podcasters are their friends, and to what extent is that ‘real’? What’s real nowadays?” . IT’S A FAIR question, and one which only promises to grow more complicated as technology evolves and, with it, our ability to contact people in ever more artificial realms, and dismiss all of the flesh-bags shuffling through this one. But even in our primitive present, it is worth noting that the majority of the guys I talked to took pains to delineate between the spirits they assert through gambling and people they have out here in the so-called”meat space” Several requested that I not utilize their full names or even their actual ones, wary of the stigma of being identified as a”gamer.” The space and relative anonymity of matches may actually allow men to be more intimate with each other and express themselves freely, and it might also be an avenue for sudden emotional connection, even personal development. Nevertheless it carries a connotation of awkwardness and artificiality, so it isn’t surprising that many were reluctant to market it was such a important part of the social lives.Ned (not his real name) is among those who keeps his gambling buddies and his”real world” friends independent. Although increased on Atari and Nintendo, he had been a small late adopter to games as a social outlet. “I’d log into Grand Theft Auto IV online for only a minute, and whenever I saw another person I’d log off,” he informs me. But in his mid-30s, Ned became a stay-at-home father, stuck at home in a new city and hungry for any type of human contact, rather one he could make out of his cellar. He found his way into the co-op gaming hub Co-Optimus, where he found he could play games such as Borderlands and Destiny with other men who were searching for a little fun and conversation about anything but their children. His kids are more self explanatory, and his law profession has picked up, but he tells me he still plays with that exact same group nearly each and every night. In addition, he spends daily trading messages with them through the group chat program, Band. The rapport they had developed while exploring the moons of Saturn interpreted smoothly to hanging out in Minnesota, it ends up, and Ned said he considers it’d probably be the same if he {} on the rest of his teammates. However, when I ask whether he feels as though his online friendships have intruded on his”real world” ones, he appears to draw a line between them.”I’ve definitely had chances to hang out with folks here–let’s go see a movie, let’s grab a drink–and I’m like,’Eh, I do not understand, we’re gonna raid tonight,”’ Ned tells me with a laugh. “Sadly yes, that’s occurred. Maybe it is a little bit of an issue? I should probably go out and see my actual friends more.”He is certainly not alone: Many of the men I talk to say they spend a lot more time with their gaming buddies than those that they see in real life. Some tell me it has also diminished their eagerness–or openness –to go out and make new friends, seeing as they already have these relationships to fall back on, with the literal push of a button. As Dr. Greif informs me, this is a frequent problem as we age, as men especially have the propensity to think they could only be friends with men they have already known their whole life, and who do not need us putting in the work to get them up to speed on all our references, or to know when we are joking. Besides, who simply walks up to a dude and starts speaking? Won’t he just assume we are hitting on him, or working out a way to wheedle money? We have been conditioned to locate overly friendly strangers suspicious–that they are probably only Mormons or con men peddling magazine subscriptions. Overcoming those sorts of social hurdles can end up being a far bigger challenge–and a lot less fun–than simply staying home and shredding hordes of zombies with men you know, even if they are just voices in your ear. . But just as text talks have given way to Twitch video streams, and”esports bars” have arisen around the growing leagues of professional Overwatch players, our view of video games as the sole province of lonely shut-ins has evolved. Therefore it stands to reason we must adjust our perspectives about the connections you can have inside games also, whether they are just an excuse to stay in touch with old pals, or just a way to fulfill some new ones. When I suggest to him that some people may find his largely online friendships not to be”real,” Brian openly scoffs.”That seems ridiculous to me,” he says. “Folks bond over all kinds of stuff. If we bonded over fishing, is that not ‘real’? All you are doing is drowning drinking and worms. Is that not a true friendship?” To put it differently, your digital friendship can be as real as you make it. And suffice it to say, it sure beats the alternative.

Men say their gambling friendships are as”real” as any IRL bonds.

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The Way to Flirt if You Are Painfully Shy

For almost anybody, the wonderful mystery of life is the way to successfully flirt. Happily, experienced romancers are sharing their suggestions on the best way best to flirt like a professional –and it turns out it is about credibility and faking it until you make it.

In a Reddit thread asking tips for flirting as a shy guy, self-proclaimed”experienced flirts” say everything from eye contact to casual dialogue are key. When skimming the thread, there is hardly any shy guy can not accomplish in the flirting kingdom with a little practice. And with 1,300 remarks and 4,500 upvotes, it is clear the advice is more than welcome.

Five primary principles of flirting have overtaken the remarks, reigning supreme as the ultimate hints shy guys can use to their love game. Take notes since this is likely to come in handy.

Rule 1: Breathe. If you’re shy about flirting, it is likely that you are also anxious to approach someone who you find attractive.

Forget the eyes throughout the room, the ignoring-but-not-ignoring match, and the buddy telephone nonsense. Professional flirters on Reddit suggest beginning with an easy, stress-free conversation one-on-one.

1 commenter advises,”Clear your mind, and have a wonderful smooth and clear speech. Additionally, it helps me to have something in my hands, so that if I ever do get nervous or fidgety, I could just casually mess with anything [is in] my hands.”

When it is a drink in the bar or a ring of keys, getting out some nervous energy might help. Just be certain to not get distracted by a cellphone. Ensure that you are paying attention.

Harness your confidence–or simply fake it

Faking it till you make it applies to flirting, too. In the beginning, shy guys who lack flirting assurance might find it impossible to provide the precise opposite impression. However, based on Redditors, faking confidence is the first step in gaining confidence.

“Literally, and I can’t stress this enough, if you lack assurance just fake it,” one commenter advises. “It’s the #1 factor when it comes to flirting and is extremely attractive. Emotionally, I am not confident in any way, but I act like I am.”

There’s an important distinction to be on the lookout for, though. Confidence shouldn’t be mistaken for arrogance, so be sure you aren’t crossing the line. Ego is never attractive, but self-assurance is.

Another commenter writes,”For instance, confidence and arrogance aren’t the exact same thing. You don’t need to worry over the top about it.”

millannGetty Images

If you’re a shy guy, you may be tempted to prevent eye contact with someone you prefer. But making eye contact when speaking to somebody, or even when the person you like enters the space, will make them notice you–and give off that all-important atmosphere of confidence.

“Eye contact says more than you could possibly understand,” one seasoned flirter writes. “Subtle, naturally.”

But eye contact is not only one-sided. Pay attention to find out if the person you’re flirting with is returning your gaze. It might be a sign your focus and flirtations are welcome, based on another commenter.

“If a woman gives you her eyes, that is what,” this Redditor writes. “In a world where she must continuously avoid creeps with her eyes, it means everything in the world to have eye contact and attention paid towards you. Now, the door is open and all you’ve got to do is be friendly.”

Act organic

It might be the advice given for when you’re committing a very low level crime, but behaving natural is in fact the trick to flirting successfully, based on a self-proclaimed romance experts. In accordance with one Redditor, the best flirting isn’t flirting in any way.

“Do not flirt. Just speak to them as you would any other individual you are not [romantically] interested in,” the commenter advises. “Nature will take its course from there.”

Another commenter agrees with the character debate, saying that not wanting to flirt is when flirting occurs most naturally. After all, if you’re interested in someone, it is human nature to reveal them in even the smallest manners.

“Do not try too hard. Don’t overthink. Don’t even try to flirt,” another commenter writes. “Just talk, participate, and be interested in your own manner. People naturally gravitate towards others that are confident in who they are. If you’re able to do that, flirting will come naturally.”

One modestly expert commenter in the domain of flirtation says girls respond to him when he treats them like a person instead of a conquest. While not exactly revolutionary, it’s important to remind yourself that the person you’re flirting with is not mythical or untouchable. They are only a man who might even be a bit timid around you, also.

“I am not a seasoned flirt in any respect, but I notice that girls respond better to me when I am simply natural, talk about random things, and treat them just like a person rather than an interest,” the commenter writes.

City break

Petri OeschgerGetty Images

Be a (genuinely) nice man

There are nice men , and then you will find Nice Men . While nice men are truly great people with sound goals when it comes to flirting, Nice Guys are people who think good behavior means their owed a woman’s attention and adoration. Be a wonderful guy, not a Nice Guy.

“Keep eye contact and be naturally pleasant,” one commenter shares on the ribbon. “Find simple compliments as opposed to things that may possibly sound creepy–and do not try too hard.”

Maintaining the creep factor low and prioritizing respect may seem like a given to some really nice man. But we are living in a world where the obvious has to be mentioned and kept in mind, particularly when approaching women you may now know well.

“Be honest and show respect,” another commenter adds. “Have a little fun and hope it all works out.”

Katie Dupere is an editor and writer based in New York.

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Stop the’He Said, She Said’ Arguments On Your Relationship

“He said/she stated” has many meanings in the present world. It plays a big, and frequently unfair, role in determining whether abuse, harassment, or assault has occurred. But it may also make unpleasant exchanges in the best of relationships.

There’s a saying that perception is reality. That is not to say that there’s not any such thing as verifiable fact. Only that without an entirely objective measure, like a sound or video recording, it’s impossible to establish. Unfortunately, lots of people, maybe even you, expend an enormous amount of energy and emotion fighting somebody else’s perception.

I can’t tell you how often 1 person relating an event to me is interrupted by their spouse with,”That is not what happened? Or, I did not say that.” The first person reiterates their recollection, the spouse denies it, and things continue to spiral out of control unless I measure in.

While this works in my office, unless the couple knows this he said/she stated is obviously an exercise in futility, they will keep getting caught up in this unresolvable loop of trying to be right; not getting to the core of the matter and continuing to feel unheard and invalidated.

The reality is, you can’t encounter an event or conversation the exact same manner as another person. More importantly, you’ll never truly convince them they did not experience it the way that they believe they did. There’s always your version and their version of what occurred. The objective reality is someplace in the middle but, for all useful purposes, that does not matter.

So how can you stop this power struggle? Reduce your end of the rope. As soon as you stop pulling against your spouse, they’ll stop pulling against you. Then, and only then, can you get a real conversation.

The first step in this procedure is determining what’s really going on. You don’t need to justify or defend it, but you do have to understand {} subjective. It’s filtered through the lens of your physical, mental and psychological state in the moment and your previous experiences, both with this individual and everyone else you have encountered in your lifetime.

What you hear is not always what they said or intended. That does not mean you did not hear it like that. It’s what you experienced. Without any more information, you may do it on what you think happened. And, therein, lies the path to ruin, or at least an argument.

However, when you get sidetracked into what was or was not stated, the tone it was or was not said in, what was meant or not intended, you lose control of the situation and, frequently, of yourself. You are convinced you are”right”. Your spouse is convinced they are. Neither will give earth so that it turns into a drop for you, a lose for them, and also a big drop for your connection.

The antidote is to STOP, FEEL, and THINK.

STOP: When you recognize the dialogue is headed in the wrong direction, STOP talking. If you understand you made a wrong turn on the street, you would not keep driving away from where you are trying to go. The identical behaviour makes no more sense in a conversation.

FEEL: Once you’re no longer headed in the wrong direction, cope with the feelings which were stirred up. What you knew your spouse to say, the tone they used, or their facial expression/body speech made a reaction. If you feel anger, there’s probably another emotion in the center that is more applicable.

THINK: This emotion is the basis for the story that you’re telling yourself about what is happening. It’s the filter that determines what you listen to and remember. It’s a reflection of what matters to you. But, it’s just one possible interpretation. Once you are able to identify a few, you have the choice of selecting a different one. This gives you a means from the He said/She said right coat.

If you’re”right”, then your spouse is automatically”incorrect”. If you’re able to have different perspectives, you both can be”right”. This stops the debate over what occurred and permits you to move in the process of finding resolution.

That’s a topic for another day.

Need help now? Click here to contact me to get a free 15-minute laser training session on your main communication issue.

A version of the post was previously published on TheHeroHusbandProject and is republished here with permission from the author.


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