5 Reasons Why You Still Miss Your Abusive Ex

From Emilia Gordon

Do you still miss your abusive ex?

Trust me, there’s nothing wrong with you.

BUT EVEN WHEN I STOP CRYING, EVEN WHEN WE FALL ASLEEP AND I’M NESTLED IN HIS ARMS, THIS WILL LEAVE ANOTHER SCAR. Nobody WILL SEE IT. BUT IT WILL BE THERE. AND EVENTUALLY All THE SCARS WILL HAVE SCARS, AND THAT’S ALL I’LL BE–ONE BIG SCAR OF A LOVE GONE WRONG.” — AMANDA GRACE, BUT I LOVE HIM.

How often have you believed that that your ex was an abuser which you’ve been fortunate enough to eliminate them? You may pretend that grin when your peers tell you that you should be happy as you aren’t in that damaging relationship anymore. However, you can not confess that you miss your ex, knowing well that they were abusive.

You may ponder upon the fact that you’re in pain throughout the connection and now that it is over, you should be happy about it. Why then do you miss them? What is wrong with you?

Well, the reality is, there’s not anything wrong with you. An abusive relationship requires a toll on the victim’s mental health that’s the reason why you miss your abusive ex. It may appear to you that you’ve been able to escape the relationship but that getting out is essentially withdrawal. What you’ve done is pulled yourself while deep inside, you miss your ex that is perfectly legitimate.

5 Reasons Why You Still Miss Your Abusive Ex!

Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological illness once the victim is made to create a mad compassion for the abuser. You love your abusive spouse so much so you warrant the abuses and wouldn’t wish to leave them. No matter how much abuse you’re, you wouldn’t leave because you’re emotionally attached to your spouse . For each violent action, you will attempt to justify it by blaming yourself by taking compassion on the abuser.

‘She had been bullied in school’,’ he had a dreadful childhood’,’ she had been ill-treated by her relatives’,’ he lost his dad’, etcetera are your explanations . Since the individual has already uttered their love upon you, it is going to be difficult for you to feel that they’re abusive. Even after leaving them, you will still miss your abusive ex.

(2) You miss the good times you spent with your ex:

Abusive partners aren’t in any way abusive at first. They spend a great amount of time demonstrating testimonies of the love for their partners before showing their true colors. Thus, you believe in these moments of love while your abusive ex was faking it all along.

These good times make you think that this abusive relationship isn’t permanent; maybe your spouse will change and you’ll receive back these moments. What you don’t see that there is no question of altering for your spouse. Your spouse had these traits and faked love before you.

(3) Your spouse had a traumatic past:

Our life isn’t a merry journey on a boat. We all have our share of chaotic waves. We’ve got our traumas but the intensity may be different. It may happen that your ex had more injury than you. As you loved them so much, you thought that the abuses are simply their way of coping up with their injury.

But regardless of how much trauma you’ve gone through, it is inhumane to make others suffer for it. You want to see that it is an act of foolishness to warrant such harmful behaviour by previous injury. If your ex had a problem coping up with the injury, you’re there for them to support. There are many different support groups and counselling centers too. You can’t be a punching bag. So, stop considering your abusive ex.

In abusive relationships, the predator makes the victim suffer with shame. They make things seem as though it’s your own fault. This makes you believe that you’re the reason the connection failed and thus, you should be ashamed of yourself. So, even after getting out of this connection, you think that you should be blamed for the break-up; you miss your abusive ex because you’re made to believe that they’re not accountable for it.

(5) You still think things could have been different:

You fell in love with your abusive ex due to certain good qualities you’ve observed inside them. They had been the person you’ve always wanted to be with. When they became abusive, you’re manipulated into thinking that everything is your fault. As you’re in love with all the good qualities they’ve displayed, you still feel that perhaps things might have been different had you never behaved in certain ways.

It is important that you come from these ideas and understand that you deserve to be loved back also. You can’t eliminate the memories but you can ignore them. Do not let yourself manipulated by this kind of negativity. Very good luck!

◊♦◊

Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project?

◊♦◊

If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

A whole list of advantages is here.

Photo credit: unsplash

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here

Men, Do You Know How Sexy You Are When You Are Vulnerable?

Six decades ago, I opted to leave a guy who would not talk. When things got emotional, he would work and work and work. I didn’t pester him to speak. I thought if I let him be, he would emerge with words and we would feel connected once more.

But he never arose.

We had an 18-month-old and he was the breadwinner. Our initial agreement was that he would carry the majority of the financial responsibility until our daughter was 3, and then we would contribute equally. That meant he worked long hours during the summer for his contracting company. Finally, his long hours out the home led him to invest more long hours in front of his computer doing book-keeping when he arrived home. It meant I spent 10 to 12 hours {} with my daughter, whom he played for an hour once he got home so that I could shower and have some me time (which meant binging on Netflix to my very depleted self). We barely interacted. I needed to talk or hang out after our daughter went to bed and he would complain that he was too tired and it was not a fantastic time.

It was never a fantastic time.

Finally, our communication only revolved around what needed to get done around the house. I recall the night I left him. It was only after Memorial day and a significant heatwave hit Upstate NY. I recall I had asked him a couple of days before if he would set the air conditioner in our bedroom and he said he had been too busy. I was putting my daughter down for a nap, beads of sweat dripping down both of our faces as he passed from the bedroom on the way to his basement workshop. “Can you set the AC unit in now? It is too hot in here for her to sleep.”

So quickly I began to shake. My infant was shaking in my arms also. I hugged her in tight. He stood there with wide-eyes and a gaping mouth holding his hands.

I sped down the stairs and out to the porch stoop with my little girl in my arms. Taking deep breaths, I looked up in the bird’s nest on the porch. My daughter said, “Bid” in her toddler’s voice. That is how you got your name. You are named after a very special little songbird.” As I was saying this, my insides were piercing each mobile with shards of dread. My words were soothing me over my daughter. I was desperately hoping she did not sense my fear too much. The baby birds provided a wonderful diversion for a few silent minutes.

He then walked to the porch, his face filled with pity; his head hanging low. “I’m sorry,” he whispered in a barely audible tone.

The minute he spoke words which had a hint of feeling in them a rage rushed through me. It was a motivating, energizing type of force. It was a mama bear kind of ferocity. I stood up, tightening my loving grip in my daughter. “What you did is not okay. I am done.” I began to walk to the vehicle.

“I am going to my parents.

This was not the first time he had an angry outburst that broke his hands. He had done the exact same thing to the wall in our living room almost exactly a year before. But just for a couple of days. He came to my parents, filled with guilt, with a bouquet of wildflowers in his hands. The blossoms and guilt won me over. So did the fact that our daughter, that was 6 months at the time did not witness the event.

But this time was different. I knew our baby would hold of memory of the day in her subconscious forever. And while I knew he’d never put a hand on me, I felt in my bones that this was the grand finale of our connection. We were getting my parents and I did not want that for my little one. There was a pattern forming which couldn’t be changed if I had been the only one willing to perform the job.

I didn’t want my daughter to be raised in a family full of tension and silence and emotional repression combined with bouts of angry outbursts. I experienced that in my youth and I did not want my daughter re-living my family history.

Months before we attempted. Hard. We went to treatment. But nothing could change at home. He opened up on the therapist’s couch after much poking and prodding on her role. With me, he just shut down. I felt helpless and hopeless and very, very lonely. I felt disrespected and perplexed. I wasted a lot of hours wondering what was wrong with me and trying to determine how I could be a better partner for him to open up. I emptied myself by trying to do his job for him.

What I wanted is exactly what many women not only need but also crave desperately: my guy to open me up.

When I left my daughter’s dad, I felt like I was leaving a stranger. I didn’t really know him. I just knew parts of him. His shut-down self put up such a enormous wall, it prevented me from getting close. I, like most people in relationships, simply wanted closeness.

This world needs most are partnerships which are oozing with vulnerability. The sort of vulnerability that’s mixed with the salty tears of emotional release and the juices of lovemaking. The sort of vulnerability that leads to breakthroughs rather than breakdowns.

I closed down my heart for quite a long time after I left my ex. I lost faith in the opposite sex. I lost hope that guys who may open up and share their hurts or fears or insecurities, even if it scared them shitless to do so even existed.

I recently met a guy that had the guts to take a deep dip to his insecurities with me. At a moment of anxiety, as he stood there, averting his gaze. I gently asked,”What is going on for you.” “You don’t need to tell me if you do not need to. I meant what I said. According to my past, I knew I could not force a man to start up if he did not wish to. I knew he would open up to me and when he was ready. I was only hoping this could be a when-man rather than an if-man.

My entire being lit up when he began to stutter out his feelings. In moments, I felt closer to him than ever. I knew why he was holding back; he was feeling insecure. When he gave voice to his feelings, his entire body relaxed. His eyes met mine with fresh confidence. As our eyes locked, years of despair washed from me. I smiled at him and felt like my entire being had a glow. It was the type of smile you get when something you have been dreaming of suddenly appears right in front of you.

Vulnerability is just the expression of our feelings, as they are, right here and right now. It is that simple stuff quiz tunes are made of. But grown-up people make it so complex. Songs move from the pure expression of the here and now to ballads about being misunderstood and rejected.

Our civilization has made expressing feelings much more complicated for men. I have talked to so many men that have said they’d be seen as weak or effeminate when they spoke in their authentic feelings with”the boys.” Rather, they make fun of the feelings. Or they numb them by getting high or drunk with the men. Or they get into competitive sports and let them out at a war-like, somewhat aggressive fashion.

If men knew how much of a twist on exposure is, there are a great deal less relationship tension and far more connected sex in this world.

If men allowed themselves to soften and open to the raw feelings of the moment, they would tap into a well of deep confidence and enthusiasm than they ever knew existed inside them.

But most men dread opening up, not because they fear that their partner will reject them, but because they fear society will. What is going to happen when feelings begin to become acknowledged and your spouse loves you more for it rather than less? Are you going to feel less apt to get drunk with the guys? Will your bike start rusting? Will your sarcasm melt off?

I don’t know what is going to happen inside your social circles as soon as you start losing your layers of shame and protection, but I do understand that your lover will thank you. And I can almost guarantee you’ll experience a level of emotional intimacy that’s far better than an orgasm. For real. Better, not simply because it is going to feel amazing, but since it’ll be a long-lasting sort of amazing.

I may also share that I have known guys who’ve shed their layers of security by beginning to open up; to be fair. It began with one minute of courage where they walked through the fear of sharing what was in their mind and in their own center and risked everything. And once they pushed through that very first moment and got love and approval rather than the rejection they felt so terrified of, they wanted more. A number of them told me their relationships with their male friends changed — for the better. They became the light-bearer. When they dropped their sarcasm for sensitivity, their friends felt fascination and respect.

“What do you do otherwise, man? I like your vibe. It feels as if you are really present and more relaxed. Tell me how I could feel this way also.”

Well, maybe the discussions did not go down just like that. But even an inkling of that can open the floodgates for a new kind of man: the so confident with his own emotions that it is sexy type of male. I am swooning just writing it out.

We love your nude bodies adoring on ours. The more you reveal what is in your mind and in your heart, the more turned on we will get.

And we both know what happens when you turn us on.

Now go get emotionally nude for your woman.

Now.

There’ll never be a fantastic time or the ideal time.

Get emotionally naked.

Now.

You can thank me later.

Previously Published on Moderate

Shutterstock

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here