Just what Is Authentic Adult Intimacy?

I’ve done a great deal of therapy in my life. I began in my thirties when my marriage was falling apart. Then 100 and hours to fulfill requirements while I had been going through treatment school. Then I had a complete practice and started getting very busy. Life happened. Basically a lot of excuses.

You’re supposed to find a therapist when you are a therapist but I will be honest, many do not. Including myself. Well, at least not always. I also began dating someone lately so I thought it would be a fantastic time to get back in the room. Process sh*t. Because things come up when you date someone and it is a fantastic chance to turn it in to learning. I believe the start of a relationship and the expiration of a connection would be the richest soil for growth. Assuming you really process and do the job.

Anyhow, I f*cking love treatment with a capital F. And I am not just saying that because I am a therapist. Sip coffee and discuss your life and problems while another person makes it entirely about you for fifty minutes? That is known as being on the right side of a lopsided friendship. Yes, it may be costly. But if you have insurance, milk which sh*t. If you do not, tell yourself you are putting 300 bucks aside monthly to your mental health and do not evaluate every session or you will stop. Some sessions will be life-changing and you will walk out skipping. And others will drag and you will wonder what else you might have bought with that hundy. However, I don’t feel any session is a waste. And at times, it is not even about what is said during the semester. It’s the true relationship with your therapist which can be healing. By way of instance, if you have only been in toxic relationships most of your lifetime, the secure space your therapist supplies gives you a corrective curative experience. You exercise muscles you have not before. But finally, treatment is about self-understanding. Without it, we’re just walking knee jerks. Therapy will help you open the hood of you so that you can see how everything works. Imagine driving a car that does not run well but you never open the hood. You simply pound the steering wheel believing it is going to fix itself. That is how most people live. There’s absolutely no authentic self-betterment without self-understanding. Recognizing why you do what you do, consider how you believe, is expansion soil.

So let us discuss my first back to treatment session. I tell people I had been raised by pop culture. Because my parents were not home. They were always on the job. They also did not give me much psychological milk. “You are valuable. You’re worthy. We love you”. They are from a different generation. They showed love in different ways. But like most of our parents, they did the best they could with what they had. So I received my nurturing from the local kids. But in order to get friends, you had to be trendy. Thank God I had been coordinated. I believe that is why friends have always mattered so much to me. They became the parents that I never had. They give me the psychological milk I had been deprived of. Or a variant of it.

My new therapist is chiefly Psychodynamic, which essentially means helping the customer turn the unconscious conscious, and investigating youth experiences that form our adult character. I believe subconsciously that is why I care so much what my friends think. What I drive. I mean on a deeper subconscious level. Not something I’m aware of on the surface. It is like how many attempt to please and be ideal for their parents. I actually don’t have any desire to impress my parents. However, I do with my friends. It is the other way around for many.

Another GREATER revelation I had was that perhaps I have never experienced true healthy adult intimacy. If somebody was to ask me if I have, my initial reaction would be of course I have. I have been in nothing but relationships most of my life. I’ve experienced all sorts of intimacy. From high school crushes to union. However, if I really look at every one, I am not positive whether they were healthy mature adult intimacy. I mean, I have experienced strong link, chemistry, and epidermis. I have experienced love. Losing myself in somebody. Hot sex. But I’m not positive if I have experienced profound healthy adult intimacy. And I keep saying grownup because you can assert that true intimacy is anything is true for you in the moment. High school love could be true intimacy because at the point all those feels are fair to us. But I am talking mature intimacy, once we know about codependency and enmeshment and what it actually takes to construct a wholesome relationship.

The thought that at 44, I might not have experienced true healthy adult intimacy blows my mind.

And so my journey begins…

Here is what I know up to now.

First, both people must have some tools. Self-awareness. Ability to be metacognitive. Process their feelings. Express themselves. Communicate. With this, healthy goes out the window. This means all my relationships before about age thirty-four weren’t really healthy adult relationships, since I had been lacking tools. And she was.

Then I analyzed my relationships article mid-thirties and they were great and powerful but I am not positive when I experienced true adult intimacy. Not that anything was wrong with the connections or another individual. It is more about me. I’m not positive if I have ever allowed someone to genuinely love me. Like on a deeper level. And that is the kicker. Maybe I have never allowed someone to genuinely love me. Maybe I don’t understand what that looks like since it did not’ get it growing up? I don’t understand.

I used to believe closeness was simply physical attraction, chemistry, and gender. And it can be if you are in your teens and twenties. I don’t know if we have the capacity to explore over that in that age. And needless to say, I have learned that intimacy is far more. Now, however, I am discovering that there are more layers. I have always been a late bloomer and I am late to the party once more.


I am going into the physical area with new lenses and a different mindset. It is not just about skin. I think adult intimacy ways to turn your dial to research and lock it there. The process of investigating, which is endless, is what creates familiarity. The slow burn over the bonfire. Using all of your senses. Intention and energy behind every touch. Not placing so much weight on the end.


Not as a gateway but a standalone. As self-expression, as though it was a speech. Kissing with intention. Purpose. To discover. To know. Forgotten. A most important brush we have set aside for specialty brushes which weren’t intended to fill in huge spaces of color.


Not a word I’d have used earlier in relation to intimacy. However, it’s huge for me today. What is the energy of another person like? Your energy when you are around him/her? The new energy generated by both of you guys? What is it like? Is it claustrophobic? Intimacy is energy. Energy is everything.


Conversations. Intellectual stimulation. Idea exchanges. Can you challenge each other emotionally? Allow stretch? Shift perspectives without protection and or hurt feelings? Is there food? Intimacy is learning from each other.


Feelings. A secure space that promotes vulnerability and enables, encourages, and validates your daily feels. What is this space like? Are people being heard? Understood? Validated? Intimacy is swimming in a healthier emotional space.


Beliefs greater than self, than both. Additionally, the soul in each other. Because we’re all spiritual beings. What is the dance like between your spirits? The connection you can not see or explain. Is it strong? Loose? Vague? Growing? Intimacy is a spiritual procedure.

I believe true adult intimacy is a quilt with all the above patched together, creating a blanket which covers both people. This blanket gives us a feeling of comfort, security, and warmth.

And ultimately what annoys the stop together is —


Is there a shared passion for each other’s stories, bodies, direction, business, and purpose? Is there fire lined in the bodily, the kisses, the energy, the mental, the emotional, and spiritual?

I think to experience true adult intimacy, you need to explore these classes but also pull back to get an entire experience rather than measuring parts, as a lot people do. A blanket. Not a scarf. This street leads to being deeply loved.

This is what I am learning so much about adult intimacy. Tomorrow, it can be something entirely different. And that’s the thing about love, it is a living breathing thing which changes as we change.

What is your definition of true adult intimacy?

Have you ever experienced it?

This post was initially published here and is republished with permission from the author.

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