Ask Dr. Nerdlove: I Wish to Date Younger Women.


Hi Doc,

Thank you for all the hard work and fantastic articles, lots of amazing advice that has helped in the past — your publication New Game+ has been a big benefit to me. My question is a fast one, about how sexual desire changes when you get old.

I will hold my hands up and say from the get-go I myself am very young, only 26! However, I have been in relationships with older women (10+ years older than me). Recently, I’ve been in a wonderful, loving relationship with an older women over the last year or so. Nevertheless, in my day to day life, I encounter a number of other interesting and attractive ladies, lots of whom are young (18-26, I work in a school ). Understandably, I find lots of them sexually attractive — but I struggle on a somewhat daily basis with feelings of lust and guilt, as I am discovering the contrasts between the younger women and my partner more often.

Concurrently, I was listening to podcast by Russell Brand lately, and he said how he’s gotten to the point of having such a rich spiritual and emotional relationship with his wife he does not feel the need to place someone else in between that distance anymore. {This got me thinking — as you age (50+, 60+, 70+), your lusts for nubile flesh and younger women (or men) must be {} to fulfill. |} Instead, you’ll have to prioritise experiencing the entire psychological and spiritual relationship with another individual in its entirety (rather than simply needing them for their sexy ass!) . I am also conscious of your other blog post about how society fetishises younger girls of a particular demographic, and we’re living in an Instagram and porn-addicted world where our criteria of gender are enormously warped.

So, tell me Doc, will you successfully lust after young, nubile partners as you age — will it make you happy, and sexually satisfied? Or should we rather prioritise only valuing the religious connection with someone else during sex? Or can you have both?

Benjamin Button

The majority of the time when someone writes to me with questions about something that’s years — or decades — down the line, the issue is they’re borrowing unhappiness in the future. A future that, in actuality, may never come to pass.

You, on the other hand BB, are not borrowing trouble so much as just making shit up to get worried about. Worrying about whether you are going to be in a position to become a dirty old man — or, y’understand, the male lead in many Hollywood films — in 40 years is not just missing the point, it is managing to miss the whole world the stage resided on and sending items out beyond the Van Allen Belt.

So let’s break this down a bit, shall we?

First, you are assuming a good deal of facts not in evidence — beginning with the question of if you are going to be into the exact same sort of girls as you get older. As easy as it is to believe that you are gonna want only jailbait and girls in their early 20s, you might realize that your tastes have changed radically as you get older. There’re loads of people who hit their 30s and 40s and realize that although that young flesh could be hot to look at… a lot of times, that is all there is. They are great eye-candy but you can not have a conversation with them, nor are they nearly as good in bed as girls who are more age-appropriate.

(Seriously: the reason we used to say that women hit their sexual peak at 35 is due to 35, girls often have run out of fucks to give and are shucking off the sex-shame-y bullshit society has thrown them. A woman without a fucks, who is come into her own sexuality is a glorious and frightening thing to behold.)

Secondly, let’s be real here: this is less about whether {} generally possible for an older man to get with a younger woman — obviously it’s. This is about whether you’ll be the type of person who will hook up with a girl young enough to be his granddaughter. In other words: this is not about if your desire gets tougher to meet and much more about your self and a desire for empowerment. After all, young girls are viewed as having a particular value and cachet, so obviously someone who can figure out how to date or sleep with one (or two or three) is obviously of high status.

Except for the part where that is not how it works. Basing your premises on how relationship will work on your later years on Hef is like highlighting your career trajectory on Mark Zuckerberg’s.

Additionally, past the allegations of mistreatment and sexual misconduct, do you honestly believe those were a relationship of mutual respect and curiosity? Dude desired arm candy to show off and to put on displays for him while his girlfriends enjoyed the benefits that being Hef’s girlfriend gave them. There might have been affection, but this was a same-sex connection at best and — going by lots of the novels and stories that have come out since — rather horrific.

Women, as a rule of thumb, do not date someone for status or value, they date someone who they have a valid attraction and connection with. The wider the gap you’ve got between two individuals — especially in era — the tougher it is to have these commonalities. Both will have fewer points of commonality or cultural touchstones than somebody who is 24-28 — never mind the differences in where the both of you are on your life.

Being an old man with a young girlfriend… it will be possible, but improbable, and the odds of it lasting is much more unlikely.

Third: I am glad that Russell Brand has a close and passionate relationship with his wife, but I believe you tried to put 2 and 2 together and got”moops” instead. Nothing he said has anything to do with whether or not you will want young ass as you got older.

Now if you are asking whether you will want different people despite being in love with your spouse… yes. So will your spouse. We’re a species developed to seek out novelty, including sexual novelty. As I am so frequently saying, a monogamous devotion claims that you decide to not sleep with anybody else, not that you won’t need to. Likewise passion fades over time with a spouse. The newness and novelty goes away as you get to know someone. That is just part of being in a long-term relationship — that closeness and familiarity means that you understand them in a way that you did not initially. How you keep the spark alive and vibrant is by recognizing that you can not re-experience the novelty of getting to know your partner, but you can inject excitement and novelty into your lives… that will also bleed into your sensual connection. So part of keeping that spark alive is not to let your lives — sexual or otherwise — fall into a rut.

So yeah: you are asking the wrong questions and inventing issues to get worried about that have absolutely nothing to do with your life today. Rather than worrying about whether you are going to be the old man in the club rather than the most intriguing Man on earth, consider focusing on the relationships you have today. You’re better off figuring out how to construct, maintain and nurture what you have now — a clinic which will serve you over your whole life time — instead of worrying about if your future self will have the ability to score with young ass.

Howdy Doc.

I recently reconnected with two friends over spring break, after having not seen them for decades. We talked and had plenty of fun, but we were in a diner and my one friend, J (f, now 20), was revealed that she had had a problem. She told me about a crush she had on an underclassman in her college, K (f, now 19), and how they were best friends but not in a relationship. J asked K out to prom 1 night, and K could not say no. But when they got to prom, J spent all the time dancing and flirting with other men rather than spending time with K. K felt incredibly betrayed, despite the fact that they were not really”relationship”. Smaller moments, like ditching a group cosplay at a conference and J dating different people that both she and K knew — people that H did not like — further afield the connection. K finally went so far as to inquire whether J saw her as a friend or girlfriend, and J wanted nothing but to remain best friends. Presently, the two of them seldom speak.

While she informed me about this, I tried my best to comfort her. I asked her questions about how she felt, what she had been and was not okay with in the connection, gave suggestions about what I would have done, and gave bashful”I am sorry J”s through the tough parts of her narrative. But then conversation I might still feel that she had been gloomy and unsatisfied. I believed her talking about it would make her feel a bit better, but that did not appear to be true. It made me feel that somewhere in the conversation I might have said something wrong or might haven’t said something right.

My question is how should I have a conversation like this again? How do I comfort a friend who’s going through a rough breakup or stuck on something that never was? Whenever someone comes to me with something like this again, I wish to understand how to do it so that they feel as though they have a much better grasp on their own emotions.

Thanks,
Friend Indeed

Not gont lie, FI… I am not exactly sure what your friend was anticipating. J has seemingly gone out of her way to be shitty to somebody that she allegedly had a crush on and who certainly had feelings for her. There is just so many times you may dropkick someone’s heart till they say”fuck this sound” and bail.

(Frankly, I am amazed it took as long as it did for K to decide to peace from the whole relationship.)

As a rule of thumb, when someone’s hurting, the majority of the time, what they need is comfort. Sometimes that means someone to listen and allow them to unload all the pent-up emotions they have been feeling. They might want a neutral party to listen to — somebody who will not cast judgement or who was not involved — so they could open up and find a response to”am I the asshole?” Sometimes it means somebody who is there for them — a hot body to cling to and cry on so they don’t feel lonely or abandoned or lost. Other times, they need somebody who’ll let them know that it will all be ok and as awful as this is, it will all fade in time and they will feel normal again. Still other times, they need someone who can divert and distract themto take their mind off their pain, if only for a little bit.

What they typically don’t want is somebody to fix their problem for them or to indicate solutions. This is a problem lots of men have; we are socialized to believe our value is in doing things and solving problems, so we attempt to throw out solutions when what most folks want is to be noticed. This is the reason it can be helpful to ask whether somebody wants action and solutions or tea and sympathy; it makes it much easier to understand what psychological protocols to engage.

Not being there, I can not tell you exactly what J was needing. The cynical side of me suggests that she had been hoping that you would reassure her that she was not a poor person and did not blow up a relationship from… I dunno, undergad drama, I guess. If — and that’s a mighty big if — that has been the situation, I am not surprised that she went away disappointed.

But the thing you will need to bear in mind is that you are not magic. You can do all of the right things and extend somebody the type of comfort they want or need rather than fix them or make them feel better. A whole lot of times, people will still go away sad and that is ok. That is not a failure on your part to relaxation correctly, it’s just they still need to feel that the fuck out of the feels. However, while you may not have treated them, you did provide them comfort and comfort for some time, when they needed it.

And the majority of the time, that is exactly what they require.

Very good luck.

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The article Ask Dr. Nerdlove: I Wish to Date Younger Women. Appeared on The Great Men Project.

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