Hello Dr. NerdLove
I’d been with my current girlfriend for nearly 7 years and I’m happy and good with her. We’ll get married in the end of the year. I believe what is okay between us, but lately, a job partner (48, F), suggested to me in a job chat that I must have a last romantic experience. She said I must enjoy my last opportunity to stay with a different girl. I dismissed this and only dropped that idea but everything changed a few days ago.
I met there many people and I got along well with one woman in special. Nothing weird happened at the moment, but now after 6 decades, I find I like her and she seems to like me. Everything began with a Facebook article something like this”if you read this you need to kiss me one time if you keep on reading at this stage, twice, and three times in this part of the text”…
Well, I believe that so funny and then I answered,”sorry but I read the entire text” which was the start. We’ve got a sort of”date” last week and we spend an excellent time. We went to see a movie and after that, we moved into a pub. We had some drinks, we had some conversation and then we confessed our fascination. I need to confess, I liked it and I enjoy it as well. We spend all night drinking and dancing. We had a good deal of kisses too. After that weekend, we continued talking about more intimal dates and accepted to do”that”.
She’s very excited about me and that… I feel just”ok” with that. However I feel somewhat curious about remain with her one night. I am quite sure I wish to remain forever with my fiancée, I have no doubt about it.
Clearly, my fiancée does not suspect anything but I feel somewhat bad about doing so, but I think this could be my last opportunity to have a”romantic experience” before getting married.
I don’t know if this is something that I need to try and I’d like to know if this is really bad… please help me
Right, so where to begin.
Oh wait, I know: do not cheat on your fianceé.
My dude, I freely admit that my views on monogamy and adultery are nuanced as hell. Monogamy is incredibly tricky to execute perfectly and there will be many, many temptations in your way over the course of your life. But sacred sweet fucking hell chief, there is a giant goddamn universe of difference between”I had been on a journey, I had too many drinks and I neglected a Wisdom saving throw” and”I have purposely chose to cheat on my fianceé”. One is understandable. Another is deliberately choosing to do something you know will hurt your spouse, and that is a shitty thing to do to somebody that you love.
(And I do not even know where to begin with the fact that you met the woman you are considering cheating on your fianceé with when she was 14. Yeah, I know she is 20 now but that is still gonna be a”YIKES” from me)
But here is your problem, main: you have shitty information from your coworker. Your coworker is spreading the notion that union is somehow the ending of experience and the downward slide of boredom. It is the ending of delight, the end of excitement and the close of the joy of this new. And yeah, it can be… if you go into this with the attitude that fun, excitement and adventure is something which you can just have out of marriage. Which, incidentally, is a terrific way to be sure that you will not be in that union for terribly long. The trick to a happy, lasting marriage is recognizing it isn’t the end of experience, it’s only the start, if — IF — you work at it. A marriage is just going to be as dull stifling as you create ita decades long union can be just as passionate, thrilling and satisfying as an illegal affair if you’re willing to spend the effort.
Needless to say, that is not gont occur if you are starting things off by cheating on her.
If you love your fianceé and need things to work, then you want to cut off things with your friend today. No engaging with her flirty Facebook articles, no messaging, no dates and absolutely no”romantic” dates. This is a terrible scene, chief and it is only going to get worse. And like that the dude who had been afraid he is settling too much, if you go down this road, then you are likely to end up realizing that you gave up a fantastic thing… and you won’t have the ability to return back.
I (20’s cis male, hetero, autistic)’m told by ladies whom I hope that I am good looking. I simply don’t believe them.
Not that I have horrible self image or wallow in shame at what life threw at me, I am simply not able to check at what I have and see someone attractive and/or alluring.
How do I improve this lack?
No Mind’s Eye
You’ve got an issue that a whole lot of people have, NME. A good deal of us have a tough time believing it when other people tell us we are attractive. We look in the mirror and just wonder… what the pluperfect hell are they viewing?
Part of this is because we tend to be hyperaware of what we perceive as our defects. Our eyes lock on all of the areas where we feel as if our bodies are too our skin is too pocked and cratered. We see the parts of us that are too large or too small, that stick out too much or that look like they’re out of proportion to the rest of us and we wonder how the hell anyone could think somebody with those misshapen features was handsome.
However, the fact that we are aware of these things does not mean that other folks notice — or care about them. Except for that matter, does this mean that they think they’re flaws. The things that make you unique are often the very things which other folks believe make you special and desirable.
As importantly, many times, we do not let ourselves accept that we could be appealing. We might feel like we do not fulfill some impossible standard and so we believe that we could not possibly be considered appealing. Or we may feel that because we do not match some trend, do not have the currently common physique or even the ideal race or ethnicity, nobody could believe that we are hot.
I can tell you from years of working with people that people that are objectively handsome often can not see it. And that’s because beauty and being good looking is not only about facial features or physical perfection. It is about presentation, it is about style and it is about attitude.
Begin with your grooming. Utilize a barber or stylist to find a trendy haircut, one that frames and flatters your face and your mind. In case you’ve got facial hair, ensure it’s shaped and trimmed and neat. Pay attention to the way you smell, also; Brad Pitt might be a good looking dude, but that beauty disappears when folks realize he never pops, so he always smells like BO and bud.
Then locate the clothes that make you feel amazing. Clothes do make the man and if you are wearing something which makes you feel like a hot bad-ass, then in turn affects how you walk, how you sit and the way you carry yourself. Make sure they are clothes that fit properly also; a well-fitting t-shirt and jeans will look infinitely better on you than a baggy, unkempt suit.
But more than anything else, you will need to learn how to see yourself for the alluring bad-ass that you’re. Start by looking at the mirror and finding your great components. Concentrate on those; maybe you’ve got gorgeous eyes. Perhaps you have an wonderful smile or terrific shoulders. Let yourself feel proud of them, even compliment yourself.
And as weird as this may seem: begin getting in the habit of taking selfies. Learning how to locate your angles and having the ability to see photographic proof that you look great goes a longlong way to accepting that yeah, you are pretty damn foxy.
It will all be a bit uncomfortable at first. Men are taught that these are”feminine” or”female” behaviors. However, when you put those fears aside, you’ll begin to realize exactly how much being prepared to care about yourself can make you feel amazing.
Very good luck.
I am 17 and finish off my junior year. I’m having plenty of trouble with the women at my school. Here’s my scenario, I am still a virgin but have had girlfriends here and there, nothing too exceptional. I am pretty ordinary looking, but I’m on the shorter side, 5″7. I am fit, outgoing, and pretty funny. But my main issue is that no women at college even give me a damn chance. I can find any woman I wanted on the internet, but I am losing interest in online relationships or long distance.
I have been told that I am cute, handsome, sexy, by multiple individuals but no matter what I fucking do I can not get a damn date.
Is it my height? That’s the one thing I can think of to be honest.
I am 5’8″, SR, and I will tell you that my height hasn’t been a handicap. While there’ll always be women who will need dudes of certain heights, all that indicates is they’re not really compatible with you. It is a shame, but it simply frees you up to discover the people who are. There’re loads of women who will dig you.
Because, straight talk, SR: the matter is not your height. The matter is that relationship in high-school is a goddamn dumpster fire. High-school is less like schooling and much more like a maximum security prison, full of people whose hormones are surging so hard that nobody knows if they are coming or going. Everyone’s confused, everybody’s freaking out and everybody is attempting to find out who they are and what any of this means. That’s why folks begin playing bizarre status games and sectioning off themselves into cliques; everybody’s trying to discover identities and personas that fit. This is the reason my regular advice for people in high-school is not to sweat dating.
You are a junior. You have a year left of high-school, and when I am perfectly blunt, the chances that any relationship you begin now won’t survive beyond graduation. 99% of the folks in college are not dating the folks they were dating in college, particularly beyond the midpoint of the freshman year. Your best move here is to concentrate on developing the social skills and emotional intelligence that will let you be prepared to hit the ground running as soon as you graduate high-school… when you are going to be setting foot out in real life, when things will begin to really count.
Very good luck.
A version of the post was previously published on [site name] and is republished here with permission from the author.
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