Everyone wants a relationship that’s enthusiastic, joyful, and secure, but too many individuals live in a relationship that’s stressful and filled with conflict. There are conflicts or, even worse, deadly silences. Here I’ll share a few of the basics you will need to learn to understand male anger and keep it from penetrating your connection.
1. Understand that men are seldom angry for the reasons they believe.
OK, allow me to get down-home and private. Most people would say I am a fairly even-keeled sort of guy. I am generally happy, smile a whole lot, and get along well with everyone. With one exception–the girls I love. Anger has been an issue in all of my relationships with girls. I would get mad angry with my first wife (but I’d tell myself,”Of course I get mad. Who would not get angry with somebody who treats me like she does.”) But I would also get mad at our daughter (And I’d tell myself,”I have to get her to learn how to listen to me and do what I tell her to do. It is for her own good.)
The actual reason I was mad was concealed from my own awareness. Since my anger was not really about my wife or my daughter (Sure, people always do things that irritate us), my anger kept coming back again and I’d blow up in ways that never made sense for my daughter or my wife.
2. Recognize that 90 percent of our anger stems from yesteryear.
We think something in today’s causing our anger, but the fact is most all of it’s roots in the past. Its origins are in our previous relationships with individuals who injure us long ago. We bury the memories since they’re so painful. However, they do not go away. My wife looks at me a certain way or says something which feels hurtful. My daughter acts like a kid and gets stubborn and resistant.
3. Accept the fact that man anger will destroy everything and everyone you love if you don’t get serious about changing it.
My anger contributed to the breakup of my first marriage. I married an angry, violent woman (When anger hasn’t been healed, its not uncommon to select a spouse who has anger problems ). When we broke up, I licked my wounds, told me I’d just picked the wrong partner and fell in love again (although its hard to genuinely know love once we have a anger demon in us).
Fortunately, I started to get in the roots of my rage and got serious about curing it. Carlin and I have been together 39 decades now and a great deal of what I have heard and written about in my books is the result of what we’ve learned together.
4. Combine a men’s group so that you may be in the business of guys who care.
The majority of us grew up learning that guys were supposed to be strong and silent, we were supposed to solve our problems ourselves, that revealing our vulnerable sides was a sign of weakness, that big boys do not cry, and a good deal of different beliefs and principles that we learned from films, T.V., other men in our families. The end result is that many of us live within a Man Box and our anger is bottled up inside until it explodes on people we love.
I write concerning the Man Box in my book, 12 Rules for Great Men, which is out on November 21, 2019. My wife, Carlin, attributes the success of the 39-year union to the fact that I’ve been in a men’s group for 40 years. From the book, I tell you the advantages of joining a group, where you are able to find one, and how to join.
If you are considering getting details about the new book as soon as it’s available, drop me a note to [email protected] and place”12 Rules for Great Men” in the topic line.
5. Learn about the 5 stages of love and comprehend that point 3 is the main one.
Throughout the majority of my life, I believed there were just two phases. We fall in love with the ideal partner. We build a life together.
But, here is the thing. I learned that disillusionment is in fact a stage that each and every relationship must undergo. Its objective is to help us get real and deal with the wounds which we have been living with our lives that produce the time bombs that blow us up until we defuse them.
When I did my Stage 3 recovery, I coped with my dad wound and knew how his anger got transferred to me. I realized I was mad as hell towards my mom who I’d always believed was a saint for carrying on and taking care of me after my father was committed to a mental hospital. I coped with my anger towards a babysitter who had abused me when I was a kid and the neighbor woman who used to torment me and struck me, but who I could never stop because”Boys never hurt women. We are tough and we could take it.”
6. Heal Stage 3 and let real, lasting, love in your life.
I will be honest about Stage 3–Getting through it’s not straightforward. I needed help that I received from a excellent therapist. For some time, I wanted medications to help me with my lifelong depression. But the rewards let us go into Stage 4, Actual Lasting Love. We finally can get what we’ve longed for our lives, but did not know how to attain. I still get mad but it is a type of anger that’s based in the now, not being driven by previous wounds.
I can tell you that Carlin and I have fallen in love with one another and continue to fall in love repeatedly. I ask you to join us on the trip. Check out my novel, The Enlightened Marriage if you are interested in learning more. You can also come see me in my blog and discuss your own experiences.
Originally published on Men Alive.
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