Do Not Let Male Anger Destroy Your Relationship

Everyone wants a relationship that’s enthusiastic, joyful, and secure, but too many individuals live in a relationship that’s stressful and filled with conflict. There are conflicts or, even worse, deadly silences. Here I’ll share a few of the basics you will need to learn to understand male anger and keep it from penetrating your connection.

1. Understand that men are seldom angry for the reasons they believe.

OK, allow me to get down-home and private. Most people would say I am a fairly even-keeled sort of guy. I am generally happy, smile a whole lot, and get along well with everyone. With one exception–the girls I love. Anger has been an issue in all of my relationships with girls. I would get mad angry with my first wife (but I’d tell myself,”Of course I get mad. Who would not get angry with somebody who treats me like she does.”) But I would also get mad at our daughter (And I’d tell myself,”I have to get her to learn how to listen to me and do what I tell her to do. It is for her own good.)

The actual reason I was mad was concealed from my own awareness. Since my anger was not really about my wife or my daughter (Sure, people always do things that irritate us), my anger kept coming back again and I’d blow up in ways that never made sense for my daughter or my wife.

2. Recognize that 90 percent of our anger stems from yesteryear.

We think something in today’s causing our anger, but the fact is most all of it’s roots in the past. Its origins are in our previous relationships with individuals who injure us long ago. We bury the memories since they’re so painful. However, they do not go away. My wife looks at me a certain way or says something which feels hurtful. My daughter acts like a kid and gets stubborn and resistant.

3. Accept the fact that man anger will destroy everything and everyone you love if you don’t get serious about changing it.

My anger contributed to the breakup of my first marriage. I married an angry, violent woman (When anger hasn’t been healed, its not uncommon to select a spouse who has anger problems ). When we broke up, I licked my wounds, told me I’d just picked the wrong partner and fell in love again (although its hard to genuinely know love once we have a anger demon in us).

Fortunately, I started to get in the roots of my rage and got serious about curing it. Carlin and I have been together 39 decades now and a great deal of what I have heard and written about in my books is the result of what we’ve learned together.

4. Combine a men’s group so that you may be in the business of guys who care.

The majority of us grew up learning that guys were supposed to be strong and silent, we were supposed to solve our problems ourselves, that revealing our vulnerable sides was a sign of weakness, that big boys do not cry, and a good deal of different beliefs and principles that we learned from films, T.V., other men in our families. The end result is that many of us live within a Man Box and our anger is bottled up inside until it explodes on people we love.

I write concerning the Man Box in my book, 12 Rules for Great Men, which is out on November 21, 2019. My wife, Carlin, attributes the success of the 39-year union to the fact that I’ve been in a men’s group for 40 years. From the book, I tell you the advantages of joining a group, where you are able to find one, and how to join.

If you are considering getting details about the new book as soon as it’s available, drop me a note to [email protected] and place”12 Rules for Great Men” in the topic line.

5. Learn about the 5 stages of love and comprehend that point 3 is the main one.

Throughout the majority of my life, I believed there were just two phases. We fall in love with the ideal partner. We build a life together.

But, here is the thing. I learned that disillusionment is in fact a stage that each and every relationship must undergo. Its objective is to help us get real and deal with the wounds which we have been living with our lives that produce the time bombs that blow us up until we defuse them.

When I did my Stage 3 recovery, I coped with my dad wound and knew how his anger got transferred to me. I realized I was mad as hell towards my mom who I’d always believed was a saint for carrying on and taking care of me after my father was committed to a mental hospital. I coped with my anger towards a babysitter who had abused me when I was a kid and the neighbor woman who used to torment me and struck me, but who I could never stop because”Boys never hurt women. We are tough and we could take it.”

6. Heal Stage 3 and let real, lasting, love in your life.

I will be honest about Stage 3–Getting through it’s not straightforward. I needed help that I received from a excellent therapist. For some time, I wanted medications to help me with my lifelong depression. But the rewards let us go into Stage 4, Actual Lasting Love. We finally can get what we’ve longed for our lives, but did not know how to attain. I still get mad but it is a type of anger that’s based in the now, not being driven by previous wounds.

I can tell you that Carlin and I have fallen in love with one another and continue to fall in love repeatedly. I ask you to join us on the trip. Check out my novel, The Enlightened Marriage if you are interested in learning more. You can also come see me in my blog and discuss your own experiences.

Originally published on Men Alive.


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How Can I Walk Away for Good?

What do you love about fighting him? You may say”nothing”, but actually look at this question.

Question: I’m constantly fighting with my ex-husband! My friends keep telling me to knock it off but somehow he always brings me back in. How do I walk away for good?

Response : This could be super challenging once you have children… do you have children? If you do not… woman this will be a good deal easier and otherwise, write me back again and I will provide you mores practices to cure this.

So if there were not any children And he is still drawing you back in… here is a dooooozer of a question… ready? What do you LOVE about fighting him?

Initially you may say, NOTHING Allana!

And if you really look, you may find you need to be right.
You want the last way.
You can not stand him lying and you need to defend yourself.
You can not stand him poking at you, you must poke back.
You cant stand he left you and you would like to get him back.
You can not stand you left him and feel guilty and consequently put up with being mistreated.
You may be scared to be alone and negative contact is far better than no contact.
You may be scared that if you do not respond he will come after you with more anger.
You may be enraged that you married him in the first place and beat up yourself by allowing him bully you today.

SOMETHING in that list has to hit a chord yes?

Now FEEL the impression that the truth brings up… even though it makes you want to conceal, scream, vomit or perish.

Just breathe.

And breathe.

And as you breathe do your best to not attempt to change it… just BE with this part of you.

Paradoxically, the part of you which you wish was not there.

The part that is feeling some yucky feelings at this time.

Keep breathing.

Keep doing so until the’charge’ or’activate’ is gone. Until you may cry a bit… or laugh a little.

I used to get SUPER triggered by ANYTHING my ex would do because what I did not need to believe was how SUPER mad I was at me for marrying him.

Thus the job to perform was self forgiveness.

Enjoy, this not only sucks to have had the guts to leave your ex and you have not left your ex…. Additionally, it sucks because with that frame of mind, energy, heart… you are only likely to attract ANOTHER ex in a new body.

I suggest healing this today and forever to set up yourself for healthy love. I know I am not cheap as a trainer, and yet I am way less costly than another divorce, and falling madly in love on you, free from play in your life, is priceless.

Let us start with a strategy session so that you know you are going to have a massive return on your investment.

Life if short.
Be happy.
Let it go.
I will help.

Tremendous LOVE,


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The One Fact About Men That Drives Men’s Anger and Fear of Girls

This guide is the sixth in my Great Men Manifesto collection. Here is the first one, here is part two, part. , part four. and part five.

1. Know that throughout human history 80 percent of women had children, but only 40 percent of men did.

In our contemporary world where it appears that everybody is having sex, we forget that through most of human history some guys were having a good deal of sex and some guys were not getting any. By way of instance, Genghis Khan, the fearsome Mongol warrior of the 13th century could have done more than rule the biggest empire on earth.

According to recent studies, he inhabited it as well. An international group of geneticists studying Y-chromosome statistics have found that almost 8% of the men living in the area of the former Mongol empire carry Y-chromosomes which were likely passed by Khan and his descendants. [1]

Imagine for a moment being an ordinary person living during this time. You might have been murdered by Genghis Khan’s army or you could have been afraid to have sex with any pretty girl because Genghis Khan and his top lieutenants took them for themselves and you risked death even looking at a girl. In case you were a woman at the moment, do you choose to get married to a bad Mongol herdsman or be a part of Genghis Khan’s harem and be wed to the alpha male?

How some men dominate and have more sex and many others have less is present in several specifies of mammals, including humans. Dr. Roy F. Baumeister is among the world’s leading social scientists. He’s written over 400 scientific papers and 21 novels. In his book, Is There Anything Good About Guys? How Cultures Flourish By Exploiting Men, he states,”Of all the folks who reached adulthood, maybe 80 percent of the girls but only 40 percent of the men replicated.” He goes on to say,”That is a stunning difference. Of all people ever born, most girls became mothers, but most guys didn’t become fathers. You wouldn’t realize it by walking through an American suburb now with its clean couples.” Baumeister says,”I consider it the single most underappreciated fact about guys.”

A good deal of men’s emotions, anxieties, and sexual behaviour can be understood when we realize that all men are frightened of becoming part of the 40 percent that are left from the genetic lottery. Even alpha men who are having tons of sex are concerned that they’ll be displaced and become sexual losers.

2. Become conscious that men put women on pedestals and pull them down.

Most guys will realize that in the hidden recesses of our psyches and frequently in our busy adult minds, we appear to girls and watch them as superior to men and we look down on them. We’re conflicted by love and longing and by anger and fear. The #MeToo motion has come forward and encouraged girls to tell the facts about sexual violence. [3] Men should listen closely to what girls are saying with open hearts and minds.

In The Small #MeToo Book for Men, Mark Greene addresses male fear and resistance. “As women take up the banner of #MeToo from the millions, many men are feeling conflicted, upset, upset, and even disheartened. How is it that guys are contested by a movement that says,’Do not rapesexually harass or abuse other human beings’? These are ideas we can all get behind, right? But it is not playing out that way.” Mark’s book helps us to understand the motion and our responses to it. [4]

The words of psychologist and author Sam Keen resonate deeply with me and many guys in understanding our conflicted feelings towards girls. In his bestselling book, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man he states,”It had been slow in dawning on me that WOMAN had an overwhelming influence in my life and about the lives of all of the guys I knew,” Keen says. “I am not talking about girls, the true flesh-and-blood creatures, but about WOMEN, those epic shadowy female characters who occupy our imaginations, inform our emotions, and give shape to a number of our actions.”

He goes on to discuss his own experiences with girls. “But when the text of my life was’successful individual man,’ that the subtext was’engulfed by WOMAN.’ All the while I was progressing in my occupation, I had been engaged in an endless struggle to get the’right’ lady, to make my connection’work,’ to produce a fantastic marriage. I agonized over gender –was I good enough? Can she’come’? Why was not I always potent? What should I do about my desires for other women? I worked at communicating, sex, and everything else before I became self-obsessed. Divorce eventually broke the symbiotic mother-son, father-daughter, pattern of my first marriage.”

We’ll always have a fear of being”engulfed by WOMAN,” till we recognize and accept the fundamental realities of being man, for instance, very first reality of coming to the world from the body of a female. A wife girl, Anais Nin, stated,”If someone continues to see just giants, it means he’s still taking a look at the world through the eyes of a child. I’ve a feeling that guy’s fear of woman comes from having seen her as the mother, founder of guys.” [6]

3. Embrace the truth that men learn to be men in men’s groups.

It seems appropriate that I finish this manifesto with men’s groups. It’s the first rule in my book, 12 Rules for Great Men, where I discuss what I have discovered to help men become the best they can be in life.

Although being man is built to our billion-year evolutionary history, we know to be men in men’s groups. The first male connection we’re supposed to have is with our father and his group of guys. In indigenous cultures around the world, you will find birth rituals in which the guys in the tribe encourage the dad and welcome the new-born kid into the tribe.

I have been in a men’s group that’s been meeting now for twenty five years. I still remember the group meeting when Tony brought his newborn son, Noah, to the group. All of us held him and welcomed him to the group of guys. The poet, Robert Bly, said,”A young man has to be in the presence of older men so as to hear the noise which male cells sing.”

Consider what it means that we all have a male choir in us that’s 10 trillion powerful. Imagine what it means to be a young boy growing up listening to this symphony, awakening his own voice as he participates with the noise which male cells sing.

I recall during the men’s group having my son, Jemal, and daughter Angela, come with me into the group which met at Tom’s home. He had a bunk bed in his little home and my son and daughter were lulled to sleep hearing the guys talk about things that matter in our own lives. They heard that the joy and despair in our voices, the laughter and the tears.

They talk about their time with the men’s group.

Like many, I grew up in a home with no father. I wrote about the effect of his absence had in my life and what it meant to me to reconnect with him before he died. At the Start of the memoir, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, I provided the following quotations that captured the impact of a father’s loss on our own lives: [7]

  • “A father might be physically present, but absent in spirit. His absence might be literal through divorce, death or disorder, but more frequently it’s a symbolic lack through silence and the inability to transmit what he {} not have acquired.” James Hollis.
  • “Children have a hole in their soul in the form of their dad. And when a father is unwilling or not able to fill that job, it can leave a wound that’s not easily healed.” Roland Warren.
  • “You will start to forgive the world when you forgive your father.”

It has taken me 70 years to completely heal my dad wound. They also continue to teach me the way to live fully, love deeply, and make a difference in the world. It is not an accident that the first rule for great men in my book is to join a men’s group.

I look forward to your comments and queries. I hope you will read the complete Good Men Manifesto. If you would like a copy of the entire thing, drop me a note to [email protected]. Place”Good Men Manifesto” in the topic line. If you would like more information about the new publication, 12 Rules for Great Men, let me know and I will send you the latest information.

[1] National Geographic,”Genghis Kahn a Prolific Lover, DNA suggests”

[2] Roy Baumeister.  Is There Anything Good About Guys: How Cultures Flourish by Exploiting Men.

[3] Me Too. You’re not alone.

The Small #MeToo Book for Men. 

Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. 

[6] Anais Nin.  Diary, 1931-1934. 

[7] Jed Diamond.  My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound.  Lasting Impact Press, 2018.

Originally published on Men Alive

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