–Falling in love occurs to us–usually before we really understand our spouse. It occurs to us because we are at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly called”chemistry.” Do not judge yourself for loving someone who does not treat you with respect and care, due to the time the connection turns abusive, you are attached and wish to keep your relationship and love. There might have been indications of abuse in the beginning which were overlooked since abusers are good at seduction and wait till they know we are hooked before showing their true colours. By then, our love is cemented and does not die easily. It’s tough to leave an abuser.  It is possible and even likely to know we are unsafe and love an abuser. Research indicates that even victims of violence generally experience seven episodes before permanently leaving their spouse.It may feel humiliating to keep in an abusive relationship. People who don’t know ask why we love someone abusive and why we stay. We don’t have great answers. However, there are legitimate reasons. Our motives are outside our control and awareness, because we are wired to attach for survival. These instincts control our feelings and behaviour.Denial of Abuse to Survive If we {} treated with regard to our loved ones and have low self-esteem, we’ll often deny abuse.  We won’t expect to be treated better than how were commanded, demeaned, or penalized by a parent.  Denial does not mean we do not know what is happening. Rather, we minimize or rationalize it or its impact. We may not realize it is actually abuse. Research shows we deny for survival to remain connected and procreate for survival of the species. Truth and feelings that would ordinarily endanger love are lessened or twisted so that we overlook them or blame ourselves to be able to keep loving. By appeasing our spouse and linking to love, we stop hurting. Love is revived and we feel secure.When we fall in love, if we have not worked through injury from our youth, we are more vulnerable to idealizing our spouse when dating. It’s very likely that we’ll seek out somebody who reminds us of a parent with whom we have unfinished business, not mandatory of our opposite-sex parent. We might be drawn to someone who has aspects of both parents. Our unconscious is trying to fix our previous by reliving it in the hopes that we will master the situation and get the love we did not get as a kid. This helps us overlook signs that would be predictive of trouble.Following an abusive episode, often there is a honeymoon period. The abuser may find connection and behave romantic, apologetic, or remorseful. Regardless, we are relieved that there is peace for the time being. We believe promises it won’t ever happen again, because we want to and because we are wired to attach. The breach of the psychological bond feels worse than the abuse. Often the abuser professes to love us. We want to believe this, and feel confident about the connection, hopeful, and adorable. Our denial offers an illusion of security. This is known as the”Merry-Go-Round” of denial which occurs in alcoholic relationships following a bout of drinking followed by promises of sobriety.Low Self-Esteem As a result of low self-esteem, we consider that the tiger’s belittling, blame, and criticisms, which further decrease our self-esteem and confidence in our own senses. They intentionally do so for electricity and control. We are brainwashed into believing we have to change to be able to make the relationship work. We blame ourselves and strive harder to meet up with the abuser’s demands. We might interpret sexual overtures, crumbs of kindness, or only lack of abuse as signs of love or hope that the relationship will improve. Thus, as trust in ourselves decreases, our idealization and love for an abuser stay intact. We might even doubt that we can find anything better.A lot people have compassion for the abuser, but not for ourselves. We’re unaware of our needs and would feel ashamed requesting them. This makes us vulnerable to manipulation when an abuser plays the victim, exaggerates guilt, shows guilt, blames us, or discussions about a troubled past (they generally have one). Our compassion feeds our refusal system by providing justification, rationalization, and minimization of the pain we endure. Most sufferers hide the abuse from relatives and friends to protect the abuser, both from compassion and shame about being mistreated. Favorable Factors Undoubtedly the abuser and the connection have positive aspects that we miss or enjoy, particularly the early love  and great times. We remember or look ahead to their recurrence if we remain. We imagine if only they would control their anger, or agree to get help, or just change one thing, everything will be better. This is our refusal.Often abusers are also great providers, provide a social life, or have particular talents.  Narcissists can be exceedingly interesting and charming.  Many partners claim that they like the narcissist’s business and lifestyle regardless of the abuse. People who have a borderline personality can light up your life with enthusiasm… when they are in a fantastic mood.  Sociopaths can pretend to be anything you need… for their particular purposes. You won’t realize what they are up to for some time.As soon as we get occasional and unpredictable positive and negative intermittent reinforcement, we keep trying to find the positive. It keeps us addictively hooked. Partners might be emotionally inaccessible  or have an avoidant attachment style. They may sometimes want closeness. After a wonderful, romantic day, they pull away, shut down, or are abusive. When we do not hear from the individual, we become anxious and keep searching for closeness. Especially people with a personality disorder might intentionally do so to control and manipulate us with rejection or withholding. Then they randomly meet our requirements. We become addicted to searching for a favorable reaction. With time, periods of withdrawal are longer, but we are trained to stay, walk on eggshells, and wait and hope for relationship. This is known as”injury  bonding” because of repeated cycles of abuse where the intermittent reinforcement of punishment and reward generates psychological bonds that resist change. We might completely shed ourselves hoping to please and not displease the abuser. Bits of kindness or closeness feel even more poignant (such as make-up gender ) because we are starved and are relieved to feel loved. This feeds the Cycle of Abuse.Abusers will turn on the charm if you threaten to leave, but it is just another temporary ploy to reassert control. Expect to experience withdrawal once you depart . When we feel completely under the control of the abuser and can not escape from physical harm, we could create”Stockholm Syndrome,” a term applied to captives. Any act of kindness or even lack of violence feels like a sign of friendship and being cared for. The abuser appears less threatening. We imagine we are buddies and can love the abuser, believing we are in this together. This occurs in intimate relationships which are not as perilous because of the energy of chemistry, physical attraction, and sexual bonding. We are loyal to a fault. We wish to protect the abuser whom we are attached to instead of ourselves. We feel guilty talking to outsiders, leaving the connection, or calling the police. Outsiders who attempt to assist feel threatening. By way of instance, advisers and Twelve-Step Programs may be seen as interlopers who”want to brainwash and separate us.” This strengthens the poisonous bond and isolates us from aid… what the abuser wants!Measures You Can Take If you are feeling trapped in a connection  or can not get over your ex:Seek support and expert help. Attend CoDA meetings. Get advice and challenge your refusal. Report violence and take action to protect yourself from violence and psychological abuse. When you overlook the abuser or are longing for attention, in your head substitute the parent whom you are projecting on your spouse. Write about and grieve that connection. Satisfy your wants . Learn how to place  boundaries. Take steps to enhance the connection using Dealing with a Narcissist…and Difficult People. Get Breakup Recovery and How to Increase Your Self-Esteem. ©Darlene Lancer 2019– If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project, please join like-minded people in The Great Men Project Premium Community. ◊♦◊Get the best stories from The Great Men Project delivered right to your inbox. ◊♦◊We’ve pioneered the biggest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a fantastic person in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspirational and valuable. The Great Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you store via THIS LINK, we’ll find a small commission and you’ll be supporting our Mission while still obtaining the excellent products that you would have bought, anyway! Thank you for your continuing support! ◊♦◊

Undoubtedly the abuser and the connection have positive aspects that we miss or enjoy, especially the early love and good times.

The article Why You Can Love an Abuser appeared on The Great Men Project.

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