Chemistry is Predictable

Ever wonder why you always end up with the identical type of person? Not hair color or height, I am talking about dating dynamic. The sticky. The unseen. The attraction that is underneath the obvious.

Take two people.

A woman that had something taken away from her child. Perhaps her voice, self-esteem, or her whole childhood. Maybe she needed to become an adult when she was not. Mother was too busy flushing herself with tv. Or perhaps there was no father, only boyfriends that arrived and gone with the seasons. This little girl spends a whole lot of time {} playing with boys, aggressive boys. She chooses flowers, climbs trees, walks barefoot. She’s free except when she’s home to crying parents. Or worse, quiet parents. She turns inward, locks her feelings in a box, she blames herself for her family. This is your victim.

Then you’ve got a boy. There’s dependence in his family tree. Not with his or her parents, but his grandparents or even farther up the gene tree. Where ever it began, the enthusiast was an adult child, low emotional intelligence and surrounded by enablers. Drug of choice? Sex, alcohol, gambling, food, anything to numb, escape, feel something. It does not matter. Biology and the generational transmission procedure permits the dependence to be passed down from branch to branch. On a budding foliage way down from the back sits our boy, mad, confused, and prepared to pay it forward. As an adult, he’s impatient and impulsive with low self-control. He’ll have a venti size self and no idea of principles or consequences. He’ll be defensive and dismiss you and abuse you and make it feel like it is you and not him. And he’ll smell familiar, and that’s the reason you gravitate toward him. He’ll break your heart and become a raging addict. Or he may not turn into a raging addict. But in any event, he carries the dependence gene. He’s what girl call a”poor boy”.

Now set the predator and prey in a room filled with”normal” people at a party and see what happens.

They’ll find each other by the end of the evening. Their fascination is instinctive, animalistic, and subconscious.

Now we’ve got the perfect ingredients for a tasty dysfunctional relationship. And again. And again.

This is attraction in it’s simplest form. And by easy I mean most common. But of course, there are quite a few other relationship dynamics. Additionally, women can be”predators” as men can be”prey”. Most of us have our stories.

What distinguishes us from animals is our ability to become self explanatory, to change ourselves inside out, hence changing wiring, behaviour, our definitions, and finally our choices. Sit in that for some time, and who you are attracted to will change just like taste buds when you stop eating something you’re hooked to.

At exactly the exact same time, we shouldn’t deny raw chemistry. In any case, we are all to a certain extent prey and predators no child enters adulthood unscarred. We have all suffered from some kind of abuse and trauma. It is just the world we reside.

Also, we can not prevent our”types”. It is what we are inherently attracted to. Meaning, if you have started the process of recovery and you meet somebody who doesn’t have a self-awareness, use protection.

But if two people know of these, have chased their behaviour strings down to where they come, and maybe cut a couple of strings. If two individuals have the tools/ability to actually look at what causes them and why. If two people can have discussions without being defensive or reactive. If two individuals are on precisely the exact same path.

Only that street is yellow

This post was initially published here and is republished with permission from the author.

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