How Do You Know When It’s Really Over?

Most people I’ve coached or treated were in relationships that they understood were over for a year or so before they really ended it.

This is truly really common. It happens for several reasons. Fear of leaving something. Guilt of hurting somebody. Hope {} get better. Not sure if it’s you or if the connection is in factn’t repairable. Not wanting to be the person who ends it. Thinking you can change somebody. Kids. Not wanting to move out or ruin the living arrangement. And it doesn’t matter if they are valid or not. They’re all actual .

So then how can you know if the relationship is really over and it is time to proceed?

I believe this is one of the toughest life questions to answer. It really is. I have fought with it so many times.

But here is the reality.

You’ll never really really know whether the relationship is truly over. I have seen relationships grow from the dead. I have seen people rebuild after lying and cheating. I have seen people who can not stand each other fall in love again. There are so many facets, controllable and uncontrollable in a connection that comes into play. There are several internal shifts that could happen which are unexpected. There are revelations we have daily that alter the dynamic and our choices. We’re indecisive animals who change like the wind, based on our feelings and our thoughts. F*ck, I’m among the most indecisive people I know.

So it is not about knowing if the relationship is truly over. Because miracles happen. Because there’s absolutely not any relationship physician that can predict results with one hundred percent certainty.

It is about asking yourself this simple question.

Is the connection causing you to break up with yourself?

Allow me to explain.

First, let’s talk about what that really means. Are you losing yourself? Are you drifting from who you really are? Can you feel invisible and helpless and have no sense of who you are?

Before you answer these questions, you need to ask yourself just how much of these feelings are because of the connection and how much of them is on you and where you are at in your life?

Many blame their relationship since they are in a sh*tty place in their lifetime. If that’s true, you must get your own sh*t and reconstruct yourself. As you rebuild yourself, the dynamic of this relationship will change. Or perhaps it will not if the other person is finished. Bear in mind, you’re only fifty percent of any relationship and that is what makes understanding if it is truly over impossible.

On the flip side, if it’s your connection that is causing you to break up with you, then it is only a matter of time until you become so unhappy it is over. There’s a ticking clock and for a few, based upon your anxieties, your story, your own definitions, and so many things, it might be months or it can take a year.

But it should not be a waiting game.

And this is the part I really want italicize. This is what I’d like for you to remove this guide, if anything. Particularly if you’re in something at the moment and you do not know what to do since you do not know if it is truly over.

(Assuming you are not in an abusive relationship. If you are in an emotional or physically abusive relationship, and your spouse is doing nothing to change himself or herself, it is over.)

Just. Wait.

For another person or the connection to change.

Do something. I can tell you it is your responsibility but I will take another approach. Trust me. I have had to take that and it is heavy and it stinks.

So what do you do?

Aside from the obvious like couples counselling and communicating, you begin to rebuild your relationship with yourself.

So many men and women think repairing a connection just has to do with the energetic and another person and forget about the connection with themselves.

So the big question is what does it look like to begin working on the connection with yourself?

I can let you know what it looked like for me.

Lots of being.

For the majority of my life, I have lived with sound. Drowning in my own thoughts. You must be still to think clearly or you are just reacting. If you wish to connect with yourself, you must minimize the mental chatter. I lived from my torso. Connecting with me meant linking to my breath and staying out of my mind.

Seeking new adventures.

We learn about ourselves through new experiences. Not through our ideas. And new experiences do not only fall on our lap. We must seek them. That means we must give ourselves. In these new adventures, I began to create new beliefs about myself.

Having non-negotiables.

Non-negotiables produced a frame for me to begin rebuilding me.

Committing to promises I made to myself (this is the way you construct self-esteem).

When it came to promises I made to myself, I spoke plenty of sh*t but seldom did anything. You can not construct self-esteem if you keep breaking promises you have made to yourself. The action of keeping promises for you is what loving yourself resembles. This is how I began to trust myself again.

Standing on my own truth.

I ceased trading my truth for membership. I began to care less about what others thought and did what I felt was fair to me. In every area of my life. Period.

I lost my voice several years back. When you lose your voice, you reside muted. And that is not living. I allowed myself to be heard. Not just by speaking up but also through creative expression such as writing.

Discovering my desires and needs, and understanding the difference.

You need to know what you need before you can actually give that. So I began to discover exactly what I wanted and did not want. In every area of my life. But before that, you must know what you require. And that comes before your needs. It is the foundation.

Finding a sense of purpose.

I never actually had a sense of purpose. So I simply floated through life pursuing things. Goal gave me tracks. And it pulled me from my own unhappiness because there was something greater.

I worked out but never really connected to my body. Movement throughout my body made me feel complete and whole rather than just having parts.

I eventually started liking myself by accepting myself. All sections of me as I began to let go of my insecurities and clinic self indulgent and compassion. I realized how insignificant all {} stuff was in the larger picture. I guess I never had a much bigger image before.

As you proceed through this process of rediscovering and reconnecting with yourself, your relationship with your spouse will either get better or worse. You men will grow nearer or drift apart. Naturally. You may either rediscover love with your spouse or drift.

And that is when you will truly know if it is over.


This post was initially published here and is republished with permission from the author.

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Getting Back With your Ex Destiny or Disaster?

Getting Back Together with your Ex Destiny or Disaster

Getting Back Together with your Ex Destiny or DisasterAll of us know those couples who split up just to get right back together then break up again. So what is the deal with those on again off again relationships and do they work in the long run? The key to answering this question is to recognize the issue at hand and then determine if fixing it and getting back with your ex is possible.

What caused the break up?

First thing you may want to do is ask yourself why you’re breaking up. This is a question you have to honestly answer before {} diving back in. Individuals usually split for one of 2 reasons 1 they really need to break up or two they need to control another person. In the event you or your ex breakup without the aim of breaking things off then you or another person is playing games which isn’t a healthy relationship and getting back together is guaranteed to end in another split up.

Can you Resolve the Situation?

As soon as you’ve identified what the matter is then comes resolution time. If you broke up due to infidelity did you get down to the reason you or another person stepped out? Whatever the problem was it is necessary to let go and proceed. Failure to forego the reason for the breakup is only going to put you back at the very same struggles you’re having before over and over (not healthy).

Another large problem with dating your ex is all the fun and fascinating things which produce a relationship great you’ve already done: first match, first kiss, first date, first time. When you get back together with your ex the trend is to bypass all those steps since you’ve already been there and return to love and sex.

The issue is somewhere between all of the firsts and the separation was the part where rift occurred between you and your ex and you’ll have to clear that hurdle to proceed. The secret to working out it is beginning back slow with a clean slate.

So what is a man to do?

If you feel like you’re ready to get back together and make it last by all means go right ahead. However if you’re feeling hesitation or pressure you are probably better off letting go and finish the relationship once and for all.

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–Lots of folks fear relationship failure. Putting trust in somebody can make us feel vulnerable. Some people even feel that the more they care for someone, the more at risk they are for being hurt. Recently, I met with Claire, a bright twenty-eight-year-old instructor who reflected”The notion of forever terrifies me, I just can not see myself with Jake forever but I am madly in love with him.”Claire is an attractive professional that has been dating Jake for over a year and continues to wonder whether their relationship will work out. When Jake talks about their future together, Claire usually changes the subject or indicates that they talk it on another occasion.You don’t need to be a commitment-phobe to be terrified of losing someone you love. You can be walking on air and madly in love and yet dread that if you open up yourself to another individual, they’ll hurt you and you’ll miss out on love. I don’t think so and I have actually interviewed hundreds of girls who discuss your fears. It can be odd wondering if extreme love may cause dwindling fire and even possibly divorce.Even though you might now in a relationship that is satisfying, do you ask yourself: what will my connection look like in five, ten, or fifteen years? What if I get everything I’ve always wanted? Can I even know what it felt like to be happy and don’t have any reservations, doubts, or fears?Do you have fears about spending forever with somebody even if you love this person? However much you love somebody, you might have misgivings a few days and this is totally normal.However, fear of connection failure may hold you back and keep you from being your best self. It can restrict you by inducing nervousness and fostering a pessimistic attitude about the future. Many times, even in the most blissful moments, there could be a lingering thought in the back of your mind your relationship might not work out, and that it’ll all come crashing down around you.If you can relate to dreading relationship success, I ask you to consider the following: Know that no connection is conflict free, but you’re worthy of having a relationship that makes you happy. If you are not there yet, adopt where you are now.It might feel uncomfortable to have a”perfect” relationship. Needless to say, no such thing exists, but how odd would it feel to be at peace and content in a relationship? To have complete faith that my spouse has my best interests in mind? Wouldn’t it be somewhat unnerving?Since all of us grew up in a culture where divorce has been widespread, it is clear to wonder whether our romantic relationships will continue. For a lot of people, particularly brothers of divorce, pain is what we understand. Conflict is what is comfortable. Addressing an inaccessible spouse is in our wheelhouse. A spouse who desires nothing more than to be with us and make our pleasure his/her top priority is alien. 6 suggestions to help you cope effectively with doubt in relationships: Accept that love is a risk. Accepting this will relieve your sense of anxiety and enable you to reside in the moment. If they’re completely honest, the majority of them will admit they fear — or have feared losing a loved one at some time in their life. Remember that new love or devotion stirs up past hurts. When you fall in love it may trigger feelings of past harm, loss, or rejection since we are all impacted by our background. Challenge your ideas that you aren’t good enough. Loving someone may make you wonder how lovable you’re. You may ask yourself: am I good enough with this man who I adore, admire, and love so much? Deal with fears head-on. Speak to someone you trust, write in a diary, discard these feelings in a safe way. Exercise being exposed in tiny steps and speak with a therapist or close friend about your expansion . Do not allow your fear of rejection or beyond hurt keep you from attaining the love and closeness you have earned. Trust and vulnerability are crucial facets of achieving intimacy in relationships. In accordance with Dr. Brené Brown, disengagement is the most dangerous element that erodes trust in a relationship. The only way to prevent this would be to risk being exposed with your partner by asking for help, standing up for yourself, sharing unpopular opinions, and having faith in yourself and your spouse.The best risk is letting yourself fall in love — that requires letting go of control and fear of being abandoned or hurt. Opening up to your spouse can make you feel vulnerable but is the most critical ingredient in a loving, trusting, intimate relationship.Intimacy may be a significant source of comfort and supply predictability in an uncertain world. The reality is that all relationships end, through separation, death, or divorce. Why waste time being obsessed with fear of your relationship end? It’s likely to be exposed and close to others without losing parts of your self. Using this method, you will be able to restore your faith in love, trust, and intimacy. ◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? ◊♦◊If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.–

Lots of individuals fear relationship failure.

The article Crazy in Love and Dread Losing It appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Get Over Him! 6 Sure Fire Post Split Gear


You have probably landed here because you searched something like how to get over a breakup or how to get over him. The fantastic news is you have come to the perfect location!

He is Gone, Now What?

When you encounter a separation, there are a lot of things happening inside your body and mind. Things you are probably not even conscious of. You are engaging in activities you do not normally do like binge drinking, being sexually promiscuous or going out shopping.

This is a normal part of the procedure. It is your body trying to kickstart your happy hormone production. Tricky, right? Knowing what your body and mind are putting you through can assist you to jumpstart the recovery procedure.

You probably have days when you want to kick him in the…well, we both understand and, quite frankly, it pains me to write it. You’ve got other days when you miss him terribly and want him back, regardless of what you’ve got to do. Heck, you might even have a weak moment at which you hook up with him again, if even for only a night.

When it boils right down to it, what you will need to do is be able to get him over so you can proceed in a healthy manner! You want a few tools, six maybe, to help you process the feelings and come out on the opposite side, raring to go!

Get Over Him By Grieving But Only Briefly

The death of a connection resembles the passing of a loved one. Someone is gone out of your life and you are sad, angry, hopeful and occasionally, in denial. So as to get him over, you want to proceed through these phases without allowing this despair to consume you.

Use your determination to make it through this. Do not let this bring you down, at least not for long!

A excellent way to do that is find something to keep you occupied. Are you enthusiastic about any causes? Are there far away friends you can see? Can you redecorate your kitchen or bedroom?

Dig into a couple of these today. Use sites like Meetup to find activities near you. Become involved in your community.

What is important is to stop asking yourself, Why Did He Leave?

It is time to shoo him out of your life. Pictures, emails, texts and Facebook memories bring him back in full, living color. Getting rid of these helps you get over him! If you do not have any company with each other, block him from social networking and your mobile phone.

Feel the anger over the breakup and use that energy to boot him out of your life. Stop visiting areas you know he frequents. If it means getting a new fitness center, do it. If you will need to hang out in a different Starbucks, do it. All those places are merely ways for one to cave during a weak moment. Then you must go through this all over again.

Who has time for it?

Not you because you just got yourself busy!

You are never going to send it to him, it is for you. You will need to say what you would like to convey to him but, in the end, you will need to do something significant. Forgive him.

What?

Yes, forgive him. Even if you don’t feel like forgiving him, your last line should read something like,”Alex, I forgive you for your angry outbursts that made me fearful.” When you have written the letter, walk away from it for a couple of days.

When you return, read it out loud, slowly. Allow the feelings to come. Feel them, do not stuff them.

When you have read the letter, safely locate a place to burn it. After it is safely burned, turn around and walk off.

Get Into The Fitness

There’s lots of tension and anger that has a breakup. Your body is undergoing a continuous does of fight or flight chemicals which, in the long run, is unhealthy.

Exercise is one of the best ways to eliminate that stress. It releases endorphins that negate these fight or flight chemicals. Even taking a ten-minute walk may go a long way toward relieving stress and it is something you can do, even as you’re on the job.

Does exercise help you relieve stress but it makes it possible to start to think about yourself. You probably concentrated some of your time and energy. Now, use it all on your own! You deserve to care for yourself and now is the day to begin!

If you can spend a complete spa day, do it. Let someone else massage you and care for you. Drink in some wonderful chamomile tea and let your worries float from the steam. Get your nails done and feel fairly.

At the conclusion of your Me Day, go out with some girlfriends or curl up with a good book and relax. You earned this afternoon. Make it what you want!

Moms especially have to do this. Now that you are single, you might feel you will need to put 200 percent of your energy and time into your children. The truth is you want to care for yourself. What good are you for them if you are completely run down? Let them find out what it means to look after yourself.

Rediscover Who You’re

I predict this recalibrating. You’re a part of a pair but now you are single. Your worth altered to accommodate his. Now you want to determine what your values are. What do you think in? What will your bounds be going to a new relationship?

These are all very important questions that only you can answer. Take a moment and really discover the answers.

This post was formerly published on Whoholdsthecardsnow.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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5 Reasons Why You Still Miss Your Abusive Ex

From Emilia Gordon

Do you still miss your abusive ex?

Trust me, there’s nothing wrong with you.

BUT EVEN WHEN I STOP CRYING, EVEN WHEN WE FALL ASLEEP AND I’M NESTLED IN HIS ARMS, THIS WILL LEAVE ANOTHER SCAR. Nobody WILL SEE IT. BUT IT WILL BE THERE. AND EVENTUALLY All THE SCARS WILL HAVE SCARS, AND THAT’S ALL I’LL BE–ONE BIG SCAR OF A LOVE GONE WRONG.” — AMANDA GRACE, BUT I LOVE HIM.

How often have you believed that that your ex was an abuser which you’ve been fortunate enough to eliminate them? You may pretend that grin when your peers tell you that you should be happy as you aren’t in that damaging relationship anymore. However, you can not confess that you miss your ex, knowing well that they were abusive.

You may ponder upon the fact that you’re in pain throughout the connection and now that it is over, you should be happy about it. Why then do you miss them? What is wrong with you?

Well, the reality is, there’s not anything wrong with you. An abusive relationship requires a toll on the victim’s mental health that’s the reason why you miss your abusive ex. It may appear to you that you’ve been able to escape the relationship but that getting out is essentially withdrawal. What you’ve done is pulled yourself while deep inside, you miss your ex that is perfectly legitimate.

5 Reasons Why You Still Miss Your Abusive Ex!

Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological illness once the victim is made to create a mad compassion for the abuser. You love your abusive spouse so much so you warrant the abuses and wouldn’t wish to leave them. No matter how much abuse you’re, you wouldn’t leave because you’re emotionally attached to your spouse . For each violent action, you will attempt to justify it by blaming yourself by taking compassion on the abuser.

‘She had been bullied in school’,’ he had a dreadful childhood’,’ she had been ill-treated by her relatives’,’ he lost his dad’, etcetera are your explanations . Since the individual has already uttered their love upon you, it is going to be difficult for you to feel that they’re abusive. Even after leaving them, you will still miss your abusive ex.

(2) You miss the good times you spent with your ex:

Abusive partners aren’t in any way abusive at first. They spend a great amount of time demonstrating testimonies of the love for their partners before showing their true colors. Thus, you believe in these moments of love while your abusive ex was faking it all along.

These good times make you think that this abusive relationship isn’t permanent; maybe your spouse will change and you’ll receive back these moments. What you don’t see that there is no question of altering for your spouse. Your spouse had these traits and faked love before you.

(3) Your spouse had a traumatic past:

Our life isn’t a merry journey on a boat. We all have our share of chaotic waves. We’ve got our traumas but the intensity may be different. It may happen that your ex had more injury than you. As you loved them so much, you thought that the abuses are simply their way of coping up with their injury.

But regardless of how much trauma you’ve gone through, it is inhumane to make others suffer for it. You want to see that it is an act of foolishness to warrant such harmful behaviour by previous injury. If your ex had a problem coping up with the injury, you’re there for them to support. There are many different support groups and counselling centers too. You can’t be a punching bag. So, stop considering your abusive ex.

In abusive relationships, the predator makes the victim suffer with shame. They make things seem as though it’s your own fault. This makes you believe that you’re the reason the connection failed and thus, you should be ashamed of yourself. So, even after getting out of this connection, you think that you should be blamed for the break-up; you miss your abusive ex because you’re made to believe that they’re not accountable for it.

(5) You still think things could have been different:

You fell in love with your abusive ex due to certain good qualities you’ve observed inside them. They had been the person you’ve always wanted to be with. When they became abusive, you’re manipulated into thinking that everything is your fault. As you’re in love with all the good qualities they’ve displayed, you still feel that perhaps things might have been different had you never behaved in certain ways.

It is important that you come from these ideas and understand that you deserve to be loved back also. You can’t eliminate the memories but you can ignore them. Do not let yourself manipulated by this kind of negativity. Very good luck!

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