Ever meet a man doula? Here is your chance.Listen to Real Men Feel, #146, “Men’s Role in Birth” here: Male doula, William Moore, joins us to talk about the importance of men being involved in the birthing process.”There are those who think inside the box. There are people that are commended for thinking outside the box. I say why are you in the box to start with?” ~ William Moore William Moore, C.P.E. is a Semi-Professional Football player, an artist, a public health professional, a doula and most importantly a guy who cares about his community. As a Certified Perinatal Educator, Doula and Lactation Educator who’s sensitive to expectant mother’s and father’s needs, William is an advocate for them in the physician’s office and during the birth procedure.This wide-ranging interview covers what doulas do, the importance of men being involved, the stereotypes against guys being involved, the energy of a great Grandma, toxic masculinity, joy, and being weird.Issues and Questions Include:(1:34) What’s a doula? (4:56) Postpartum and breastfeeding support (7:25) Is it common for men to become doulas? (10:40 ) Break out of the domain of labels. (19:06) Infant and maternal mortality rates (20:30) Let’s get more guys involved in the birth process (24:05) Reasons for the disparity in infant mortality and maternal death rates — systematic racism. (27:40) Are men resistant to being more concerned? (29:24) Ideas on toxic masculinity. (36:39) Will’s philosophy for life. (42:40) The slow death of letting someone else define you. (45:24) Being bizarre and embracing it (51:16) After your eyesight (52:39) What do you need more guys realized about the birthing procedure? (56:56) What both parents want for their children. ◊♦◊[embedded material ] [embedded material ] “Many men and women see birth function as women’s work. But caring for your family is not women’s work, it’s family work. It’s incumbent on everyone.” ~ William Moore Interested in being on Will’s podcast? email [email protected]For information on his doula work, contact [email protected] Will’s podcast, Chill Time is Will Time. Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to [email protected].Subscribe to the podcast in RealMenFeel.org/iTunesLike the Actual Men Feel show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshowScroll down to the author bio for all the links to get more #RealMenFeelA version of this article was previously published on RealMenFeel.org and is republished here with permission by the author.–If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.A $50 annual membership provides you an all-access pass. You can be a part of each telephone, group, class, and community.A $25 yearly membership provides you access to a single class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities. A $12 annual membership provides you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community. Register New Account Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.–Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash

Taking good care of your family is not women’s work, it’s family work.

The article Guys ’s Role in Birth [Podcast] appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Dividing Against Yourself Sucks

Today, a story about the best anguish — forgetting who we are.

The Client

Tim comes into my office. He’s torn up inside. He’s been married for several years. But… something’s not perfect.

He says that his wife is a sweet man, great to him, and a terrific mother to his children. And he says,”I’m miserable. And I have not the slightest clue as to why.

We talk for a little. Very quickly, it’s apparent that we are getting nowhere. He is completely stuck in his mind, swirling in his guilt with what a terrible guy he is, for being unhappy with such a fantastic family.

I wonder, should I get out the boxing gloves and pads? Change things up with this man?  Perhaps he can beat the shit out of the demon he feels inside of himself.

Rather, I have him get up and stretch his body, move around. Anything to escape his head. I have him perform several minutes of jumping jacks to change his energy.  Sometimes the mind is a tyrant that only circles itself.

After the motion, we stay standing. I see he’s more relaxed, even milder energetically. “A little workout during a training session,” he says. “Bonus.” He laughs.

I ask him to remain standing, feel his breath, through his or her body.  I direct him to take complete body breaths, from head to toe and then back down.

The Change

We sit down again and suddenly he is more alive. He’s prepared to step in with more bandwidth to research his unhappiness and his union, without so much painful self-judgment. He is opening to himself.  He is no more dividing against himself.

Maybe he states,”I want to explore other associations, other freedoms in my own life, take space and time away from my loved ones.” At the notion of it, his face glows.

I make no conclusions. At least, his energy is shifting. He has more access to parts of himself that he was formerly shutting down.

Needless to say, I don’t encourage him to go have an affair. I have often said, if you can not make one woman happy, how are you going to make numerous women contented?

I’m amazed at his change and not, since I see it often how a person gets much more access to themselves, once they eliminate their moralistic and judgmental perceptions of these. Neutralize the brutal inner critic.

Tim is no longer thinking about what a terrible guy he is for not enjoying his loved ones. He’s actually beginning to think what a fantastic guy he is for loving himself. And while an affair or big trip away probably will not be the avenue to supreme happiness, it is an avenue to get parts of himself against which he is divided.

The Debrief

Yes, all of us have crazy ideas, not all of which we will need to act on. But how can we get the energy of these thoughts and incorporate them into our own lives, rather than judging and dividing from ourselves?

I have heard it said often and I lived it for a long time — that the best suffering is dividing from one’s self.  It happens every day and if it does, we neglect the requirements of our soul.

It can occur in an office, sitting all day, feeling agitated, not understanding why, in front of a computer all day. It can occur in a relationship, feeling grumpy over nothing.

And we benefit greatly if we find a way back to ourselves in the hardest moments.  And it may be as straightforward as yeah, this sucks, I feel separated from myself, and I am OK.

Tim leaves our session, not booking a plane ticket to Honolulu or Guatemala, but conscious that he wants to give himself more time and energy and space. He can not be so hard on himself and then project his distress onto his union.

“It is me, not her. I’m the person who’s messed up,” he says. Ironically, he is glowing. And not ironic because he is back in his power to do something about it.  He’s no more dividing against himself, beating himself up for his own distress.

And for this, he’s a better man for everybody around him — his spouse, his family, and his friends.

Do you know a fighting man who needs help? There are many people out there. Are you that guy, going it alone? Get help today.

Previously Released on stuartmotola.com

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5 Signs You’ve Found a Great Man

“A great man is hard to discover.”

I remember my mother saying these words to me when I wanted to begin dating. The words pushed pause in my mind and made me question my heart. Was the man who asked me out not good? Was my mother giving me this warning for a reason? Can she not trust my judgment? Or, were great men as rare as my mother said they were?

I learned my mom did not make up those words. They were created from a short story written in 1955 by American female writer, Flannery O’Connor. Flannery’s catchy name soon became branded to the psyches of romantics everywhere like some sort of twisted truth.

Flannery, who died of Lupus in age 39, wasn’t married, though she had a love affair with a book salesman. I wonder whether her good man was there someplace between the salesman and the traces of the novels he sold?

A Good Man is Hard to Find.

I have spent years considering what a fantastic man really is. I have seen great in every man who has graced my world, whether romantically or platonically, however twisted up they could be inside. The better question may be, how in tune are they with their great? How do they manage their pain? How can they process their anxiety? And which sort of support system do they have in this world? My therapist self understands that working tools and support systems are the main indicators of someone’s mental health.

I had been trained not to trust my instinct when it comes to guys. Perhaps you were too. I’ve needed to reparent myself to trust my gut instincts by paying attention to the green and red (as in good) flags along the way. Below are a few of the green flags that male friends, coworkers, and past fans have held.

How do I know if he’s a fantastic man?

1. He’s ready to listen rather than leap to advice-giving or try to correct me once I want to vent.

There’s a two minute Youtube video called, “It’s Not About the Nail.” If you would like to comprehend how the male brain automatically functions, watch it. Active listening is a learned skill rather than an innate ability. A guy who can listen is far more sexy than a guy with a six-pack. One of my friends recently said her favorite foreplay is using a profound heart to heart conversation with her husband. “When he listens with his heart, I swoon,” she said with a big cheesy smile.

How can you know if your guy is listening? He’s silent and careful, and if you are sitting in front of one another, he gives you direct eye contact. “So that made you feel frustrated and caused you to close down because you had space to process. Can I get that right?”

You have it right. You heard me. You didn’t attempt to modify or fix me. You simply re-stated what I expressed to you and that’s all I needed. Alright, let’s make out today.

Make-out session aside, it’s hot, enticing, and Oxytocin-producing (aka very bonding) when a guy can just listen and be present for a woman.

2. He expresses his feelings easily and effortlessly.

I am not talking about overexpressing — such as carrying a box of tissue around and honking his nose every 20 minutes. I am talking about a guy who has no trouble telling you how he feels. I had a man yoga student who recently walked into the studio and said,”I feel nervous, I have never done this before. I just wanted to inform you that.” The secretary and I were floored by his willingness. I said,”Can every man be like this?” For many men, the courage needed to say: I am nervous, I’m scared, I’m feeling lonely is buried behind years of man-ups and do not be such a sissy. They are not any different from sex to gender. They begin with a thought and then form into physiological senses. Men have them just as often as girls do. A man who expresses his feelings, however, is a rare jewel. And when he expresses them, he’s one step closer to processing them through.

3. He’s mindful of his working tools and he uses them.

No codependency here. Whether your guy has been to treatment, he’s mindful of his own stress management tools and he uses them like a champ. Perhaps I am biased, but a guy who’s in treatment and possesses it’s his own I am about self-growth type of sexiness.

Coping tools are healthy outlets for anxiety or stress-preventative practices. This is a guy who knows what balance is. If he lifts weights goes to yoga or conducts, he does not burn himself out in the procedure. He feeds his mind, body, and soul with just-right doses of healthful activities. He might even motivate you to join his or her furry companion (insert your favourite pet here) at a morning meditation or test out the new sensory deprivation chamber or go to opening day at the baseball stadium.

If you are used to playing with a caretaking role, you can hang up that hat with this guy. He has himself covered. No unresolved mother issues. He understands that he doesn’t require a connection to fill in his psychological wounds. He’s a relationship that enriches his life. He’s attracted to you because you appear to get that self-care things going on too!

4. He thinks you are enough because he believes he’s enough.

This is a man that’s as humble as he is protected. He is not cocky or arrogant or narcissistic. Instead, he’s authentic. He enjoys himself enough to take space when he is stressed and gets that you will need to do the same sometimes. You do not feel a strong need to impress him with a new hairstyle or outfit or hours in the spa. When you dress him up, it is for pleasure, not for approval. You can be your sometimes messy, sometimes ultra-feminine self and it does not change how he treats you. He believes your vulnerability is as beautiful (if not more) than your bum. He doesn’t need to run when you express your insecurities. In actuality, he becomes more attentive and available to you.

5. It is possible to set boundaries and he honors them.

Insecure egos need not apply. You can also trust that he’ll express his feelings rather than repress them. He might say,”I will miss seeing you for our date night, but I am glad you are taking care of yourself.” You melt. Why? Because he said his sense straight and while also validating your need for space.

You feel protected setting boundaries with him since he’s open and honest. He will not hold a grudge against you and do something passive-aggressive like cancel your next date night to go out with the boys. You know how he feels, making you feel much closer to him. Your open communication permits you to honor one another’s needs for space so you enjoy the time you have together.

When healthy boundaries are a part of a relationship, couples have the ability to appear for each other with their entire selves. A man who takes no is a unicorn. Do not let this one go.

There are no perfect men.

However, I think there are loads of good men. And they might not be that difficult to discover. Look carefully at the men in your life. How can they exemplify any of these 5 attributes? And furthermore, look within. How can you resonate and embody these traits?

We bring what we amplify. You want more goodness, be goodness.

When you begin to embody everything you like, the great men will not be so tough to discover.

This post was formerly published on Publishous and is republished here with permission from the author.

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As a good man is hard to discover.

The article 5 Signs You’ve Found a Great Man appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Men, Tears, and Strength

Something opens in him. He can not hold in his pain. His heart hurts. His wife has left him. Or he’s left her. In any event, he grieves.

Men cry. I see this frequently in my job.  Contrary to common belief, they are powerful guys. Strong enough to…

Trust others to assist them.
Visit the scary places inside.

These aren’t men who crumble into a whole mess and can not pick up themselves for months or years later. That is a Hollywood cliché, designed frequently for entertainment purposes, not reality.

The reality is a man who cracks open out of his anger, through his rage, and to his tears, to resurface with a brightness, simplicity, and strength — a light that was not there before.  This man has a courage that’s frequently not viewed in the public eye.

This man gets it when I say to him –“Feel the hurt.

And it’s here, stripped from his armor, a man answers the call of his heart, of what the world hungers for from men — their complete loving hearts.

Strong AND loving.
Consistent AND flexible.

Stripped of self love, bare of machismo, at his {} ground zero, a man starts the job of rebuilding himself.  Here he frees himself of prior resentments, judgements, and arrogance, so as to be relational and romantic with his spouse, his loved ones, and the world. Giving weight, bringing into balance, his relational character with his transactional character.

It begins with his tears.

Until then, until he gets to the source of his own pain, he hobbles around, emotionally crippled, half a human being, including a time bomb inside. That is… until he can not contain it anymore.

In his splitting open, a man may go to where…

He fears most.
He had been programmed NOT to go.
He faces his fears of”being weak, a sissy, or a wimp.”

In the passing of his previous programming, he might be born to a different way of being a guy. He might understand his tenderness is an untapped strength. And he might reevaluate his tears frequently to tap the well.

He has to feel his harm so as to develop strength and compassion, to maintain the hurt of his spouse .

And only then can he be completely trustworthy to her. Only then can he be the guy she dreams of. Only then can he…

Stand in the fire.
Stay calm when she cannot.
Hold her when she’s struggling.

And it’s here, a question that girls frequently ask me gets answered.

“How come my guy is so closed down?”

I often say, he was raised to be that way for a boy. He was educated feeling…

Stress makes him a”wimp.”
Joy makes him “gay.”

He had been raised in”The Man Box.” * A limited container, limiting him to a restricted assortment of emotions.  It began at age five or even sooner — at school on the playground or at home with his dad or brother.

“Be a man.”

“Do not cry.” **

The Man Box dilutes his gifts as an adult man. Compromises his accessibility to empathy, patience, love, kindness, existence, and a selection of emotions.  From The Person Box, he resides in a black and white world, his liberty to live as an enlivened, lively man badly handicapped.

To escape The Man Box, he should fight… till his death, until his old means of masculinity dies.  And he can reclaim his psychological life.

But he will not go there until it is clear his present life is obviously no longer functioning. Until crisis hits. Until he loses things and family members. Until he pops his tears.

What he needs to realize is this.

“Only boys keep their lips dry.
Only boys are scared to cry.
-Rain, Vachel Lindsay

Tears are a present.

Tears are peacemakers.

Tears bring peace to a person’s oppressed heart.
Tears raise his rate of survival.
Tears strengthen his bond to other people.

Tears of the heart include the compound leucine-enkephalin, an endorphin that reduces pain and improves mood. ***

Tears don’t rob a man of his masculinity. In actuality, they enhance his masculinity.  By heartbreak, he learns his healthful powers of assertion, supplanting old patterns of violent aggression.

Tears don’t make a man a woman. They make him an emotionally richer and more empathic man. A man to whom the world can relate.  A guy who can fight for what is right in the world, rather than just what is ideal for his pocket .

Tears allow a man to maintain strong connection with himself, so as to maintain strong relationship with his spouse, his loved ones, and the entire world. Yes, back to self-relationship for healthy venture.

I’ve shed many tears. Over the last five decades, particularly. Enduring and fighting older selves that had to die. Ritualizing grief in passing. Crying tears for life.

The death of a marriage.
The passing of a career.
The near death (amputation) of a leg.
The passing of a Nation.

Gently washed off the muck in my soul, begging to be cleansed.

Previously Released on stuartmotola.com

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The Alchemy of Affections

Maybe we are all, in our own very personal ways, looking for gold.

Alchemy is a Philosophy, or a means of thinking / seeing the world around us.

Maybe we are all, in our own very personal ways, looking for gold. Neil Young says he “crossed the ocean for a heart of gold”. Some can sift the dirt and grist in the edge of life’s flow and expect their dreams”pan out”. Others dig. Others beg, steal or borrow. I believe in the magical process of transformation.

However I attain this, and like most people I’ve attempted to in more than 1 manner, the glistening gift of love’s golden promise dazzles me. The glint and the gleam of love have caught my attention. I wish to grasp the shining thing called love. Many times I’ve thought I’d acquired it. Although, often what I found myself at the grasp of was only gilded and prone to some flakey tarnishing decay. Decay is the affliction of affection. The disease of despair and uncertainty are the cancer that eats away at enjoys golden potential.

I know that all that glitter isn’t… I can live with this understanding. Yet I wish to think in the myopia of essence-based Alchemy. It’s important for me to trust that transformation is possible. More myopic still is the need to see myself as the Alchemist. Capable of facilitating the conversion I very much crave. The hidden trick is two-fold. To begin with, figuring out the procedure. Secondly, attempting is to get my spouse to believe in it as well. For conversions of the heart need religion.

What is it that we’re truly made of? The’apple metaphor’ audience loves their”rotten to the core” perspective of the world. I’ll admit I’m more likely to the’happily ever after’ view of the world. I believe that the promise of bliss is a real one. All it requires is a change in the center of us. A magical renovation inside.

I believe that the golden procedure is probably an ongoing one. The transformation of a heart in the glistening ore of my dreams takes a loyal and persistent attention. A self-renewing concentrate on the sparkling essence within. I am pretty sure the reason that Alchemists were maligned was due mostly to the doubtful nature of the receiver of created gold. The method entails a continuing faith to sustain it. When the value of the transformed object was doubted it had been likely to regress and assume its former condition. The exact same goes with love. It’s the belief and the commitment to this belief which sustains it. It’s the practice of this that is the material of sustaining. The magic element is to maintain that belief alive and concentrated in our perception. To adopt the dazzle of our spouse and to attend to their own charm.

The cynical will say that there’s an inherent fallacy in trying to market myself and the gleaming thing of my heart’s desire — about the Alchemy of Love. It’s flummery to believe that the leaden load of isolation could be magically transformed into a golden future worthy of being valued. For all those, sadly, this Alchemy of the Heart isn’t possible — not yet.

Yet, for the cynic, there are other materials on which to settle. Furthermore, for the doubtful, the amazing promise of conversion isn’t a real one. The essence level change along with the magic process that a doctrine of alchemy requires will allude them. From their perspective, it’s the practice of alchemy that transforms the Alchemist. I for one don’t care. A union with the practice is a marriage through it.

The adventures of the doubter, and the understanding changing failures he’s compiled create in him a different type of’seeing the world’. Alchemy isn’t feasible and so he becomes a metallurgist of another vein. He, rather, may acquire an appreciation for pewter — and possibly even a love for it. He sees that the heart’s leaden quality, with the addition of tin, can be molded and shaped and formed into a still rewarding and useful amazing item.

The accomplishments of alchemy are only available to the zealots, like me. The blend of trust and zeal congeal as I attempt to form a more perfect union. I’m trying to find a fellow believer who will help transform us equally. It might well be that not all my’gleams’ will come true. But it won’t be for a lack of thinking.

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Superman or Clark Kent?

My dating trip began in earnest in 1982, I was 16, a junior in high school and I fell in love with a sincere, thoughtful and loving Clark Kent-type. Initially, I had been infatuated with the tall, handsome and athletic new man, he seemed like Superman. I quickly discovered that he was shy, introverted, artistic and intelligent. I recall feeling relaxed, happy and appealing in his or her company. We spent every waking moment we could together, sharing and encouraging each other’s interests, families and friends. After 3 decades, while attending college several states away from one another, we tearfully broke up. We could not handle the distance.

At the moment, I was 19, a sophomore in college and I went in search of a new boyfriend. Again and again, I fell in lust and became obsessed with men who looked like my initial boyfriend-tall, athletic, confident, leaders. But they lacked the yummy interior qualities which turn infatuation into love. I had no idea that I should be focusing on interior values and qualities as opposed to the muscles, height and swagger.

For many years I dated and broke up with Superman upon Superman, I even married one. My ex-husband and lots of these men I dated are smart, funny and honorable great men.

Their cocky, fast-talking manners presented a challenge to me. I responded with my type A personality and my subliminal message to them was”you feel you are all that, well you have met your match”.

Looking back, I sparred more than that I loved. I used my quick wit and sexuality as my money and convinced Superman and myself that I was separate and that I did not need anything.

When you tell somebody you do not need anything, you get nothing! 

I’ve discovered that asking for what you need in a relationship is love.

You know the man, he’s shy, quiet (yeah sometimes he wears glasses), he might appear a bit awkward at first, seem a bit closer… Give him a chance, he’s superpowers too.

Want more tips and advice? Galia will help you get Date-Ready! Reserve your FREE call now!

READ MORE:

10 Best Places to Meet Singles at the Wild

A Productivity Hack that Works in Relationship

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Escaping Traditional Masculinity Might Be the Bravest Thing a Man Can Do

Cry-baby. Both of these heart-wrenching words that men are advised as small boys, and as they grow up to be well — men, their self, and real emotions become suppressed.

I talk in fact, as a thirty-something-year-old girl that there’s nothing sexier than a guy living in his raw, emotionally naked self. It’s what builds for trust and connection in a profound, long-lasting, and romantic relationship. I don’t like to guess what you’re thinking, feeling, or what it is that you truly want. As your partner, I’m there to listen. 

Please bare it all! I wish to know what I’m up against, what I could take, not take, and what I am prepared to put up with (I dare you to try me!) .

By all means, I don’t expect you to suppress being the guy you were born as; the person who might automatically feed into his animalistic character when he sees something, or somebody his insides crave.  However, I do ask that you not dread to take out the mask. I ask that you don’t reside in shame if that Ed Sheeran song you hear on the radio while driving to work makes you only a tad bit choked up, or, worse, forces you to begin considering your own life, and possibly even marriage.

It’s okay, and it’s safe to feel your feelings. Feelings are precisely that — they are supposed to be felt. I promise not to judge!

It’s okay to be imperfect. The majority of the time our most important fuck-ups lead to burnout, even if you must ride out the shit storm to get there. It is the way you rise back up again, and that ultimately is the one thing that really matters. Learn how to love your scars, and I’ll love them. I get that you’re not unbreakable.

Failing at work, at a target, in a dream, or a connection doesn’t make you a failure as a man. I adore you for failing, since it means you attempted. It means you cared for something to go after it. And it means that you’re courageous enough to fucking do it!

Since there’s nothing more beautiful, and sexy than permitting us to adore you, even if you’re broken. There’s nothing more magical than to see, and be seen for who you really are. And, perhaps, you may just come to discover that the little boy inside is braver than the guy who shows his face to the world each and every day.

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To the parts of you that fear being viewed.Come with me.I will free you. Be your beacon.Be your light. Who speaks?When you go deep in your heart…When you touch the area within…Where you’re not willing to hide? If you emphasise your precious you…Out of your beloved, from the world, out of yourself? Who speaks?When you come out of the dark…When you feel what you’ve feared…When you let down your guard? When you depart from replies…When you anticipate pain as a manual…From the past? When you risk? When you’re there for you? Be seen. This isn’t a trick. I’ve been waiting for you.I’m an ally, a friend, a lover. A beacon of light. I am you.You are me. We have always been. In the atmosphere of our lungs.From the air we breathe. From the life force of”we.” You remain connected to you.I to me. And together we will know. It is good to come homeTo the pieces of usThat we have locked up for so long. It’s great to come home to you, my dear.– Inspired by my previous week spent at Planet Bluegrass'”The Song School” in Lyons, CO, a songwriting retreat and multi-day workshop.   For four days, 175 people shared our love of music and songwriting. We did it together, supporting one another in our collective enthusiasm. For a lot of us, it felt just like home.  A location stripped of ego, competition, and judgment. An area without concern for — Who’s got an audience? Who is making it? We relaxed into a community of fellow human beings. We forged relationships that might have otherwise been blocked. We arrived home to ourselves and one another. –Previously Released on stuartmotola.comShutterstock

To the parts of you that fear being viewed.

The article Unlock Your Precious Heart appeared on The Great Men Project.

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