Doctor NerdLove, I was hoping you could possibly help me with an extremely tough situation I am in.

The woman I have been interested in for the last month, who’s also quite a great friend of mine, has a boyfriend who’s by no means a good human being. The other day I found that he’s cheated on her several times and I have decided that as a buddy it’s my obligation to tell her. I’m not positive if that is the right choice, however, and I’m uncertain how to tell her all. If you could please weigh in on this, I would seriously appreciate it! Thank you so much.

Waiting In The Wings

Well, you asked, but I do not think you are going to like my answer.

Here is what you can do, WitW: you back the hell away.

To begin with, let’s be fair here, only you, me and the Web: you are not doing this from the goodness of your own heart. You did not decide that it is your duty to tell her because you’re that great of a friend, you are trusting that when you tell her she is going to ditch her cheating scumbag of a boyfriend and fly to your arms as the person who helped her see the truth. Which, to be perfectly honest, is a fairly shitty reason to intentionally insert yourself into the middle of someone else’s relationship drama.

However, for the sake of argument, let’s match this out somewhat. Let us assume that I give you my blessing to telling your crush about her allegedly philandering beau or you chose to go and inform her regardless. How, exactly, do you believe she is going to react? Here is a hint: she is going to take it seriously. The only question is that she is going to be pissed at.

And the smart money says it is likely to be you. You might have noticed that people do not appreciate bad news. In reality, we tend to get irrationally angry at the man who brings us the bad news, whether it’s their fault or not; there is a reason why”don’t shoot the messenger” is a frequent term, after all. So you are already starting off with your prospective hunny-bunny ticked off that you are telling her that something is rotten in Denmark.

But then there is another step: why should she believe you? Have you got proof? Have you got unquestionable proof which you could actually show her? Proof that could not possibly be clarified? Because in case you do not, then it is likely to be your word against her boyfriend. And sure, her boyfriend could be an assbag, but he is still her boyfriend. This gives him more credibility in her eyes than you’ve… particularly if either of them know that you have got a crush on her. And believe me, if she does not, he almost certainly does. This will be leveraged against you — you are going to look like you are lying up so as to split them up.

Now let us add another wrinkle to the mix: what makes you so sure she does not know already? You do not say you understand when it occurred, if she discovered before, if he confessed or she confronted him {} they have worked or not. None of which will work out for you how you are hoping.

Let us throw a third wrinkle: how would you find out? Can you prowl through his telephone or emails? Because she is going to need to know… and she is going to need to know why, exactly you’re prying into her company. All this will make a difference, since it is likely to be demonstrating your schedule rather strongly. And if you two are not honest-to-god BFFs — that, from the sounds of things, you are not — it is going to seem like you went digging for dirt, even if we grant that your motives were as pure as the driven snow. And that will bring you right back to that credibility issue.

But hey: let us say that you have the ability to thread all those needles and she dumps her good, scummy boyfriend. Assuming she does not lash out at you for inducing her break-up, she is still not likely to swoon into your arms. She is going to be pissed off at men generally and in no mood for the attempting to be the next in line… in reality, she is probably going to resent it. Women do not appreciate it when men suddenly assume that the window of opportunity is open since they have literally just broken up with someone. She is going to need a while to recuperate and your hanging around so as to help her through this ordeal will begin verging rather seriously into Nice Guy territory.

In short: you have got yourself your fundamental no-win scenario. And you’re not likely to Kobayashi Maru your way through this.

This is not your business. Your becoming involved is just going to add another layer of drama to someone else’s relationship. And even under the best of circumstances, it is going to end badly for you.

Leave it alone.

Hey Doc,

Got a question for you. I am a woman who recently took the initiative and asked out a guy I had some chemistry with. We’re in exactly the exact same fandom world, and finding nice and ordinary people among us is quite infrequent.

I started to reach out to him email a couple of months ago. We had a couple of conversations, where he threw in some remarks seemed like bad attempts at flirting. Not everybody has game, right? But after initiating a few discussions, I decided to let him reach out to me, and he did not. OK. Fair enough. Moving on….

Then I reconnected him in a recent event, and he began reaching out to me with gusto — mails, pictures (clothed!) , etc.. He confessed to basically stalking me on social networking, though he does not actually have a social networking presence himself.

So after a couple of weeks of email flirting, I chose to be a grown-ass girl and ask him out. What I got back was a long, rambling email where he admits to being in relationship with somebody else, but he does not want to lose what”we have.” I have never seen evidence of him with a significant other, and I would be very pissed off if a boy of mine was having this sort of relationship with another woman.

There have been a few short email exchanges because my rejection. He has done all the reaching out — I guess either to take my temperature to find out if I’d still speak to him or checking in to make sure I have not sunk into a huge melancholy (trust me, I have not ).

What’s up with guys and their hidden relationships? Perhaps his rambling was a wonderful way to conceal that he just was not into me? Since I’ll run into this guy at forthcoming fandom occasions, what do I do? Frankly, I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated. I sort of want to tell him to go to hell, but I do not want to be the bitter bitch who hates him because he turned me down. I also need to prevent him, but that gets tiring, also. Trust me, if I had any idea he had a long-term GF or would turn me down, there is no way in hell I’d have asked him out in the first location. What was he doing beginning this sort of connection with me in the first place? Can I bother to keep a friendship that he seems to desire even though I know it will not be enough for me?

Thanks,

There are a whole lot of possibilities here TC. It is possible he was stringing you along because he enjoyed the flirty attention you had been giving him. Or it is entirely possible that once you reconnected, he decided you were cool and wanted to be friends. I can not say for certain one way or another — after all, I was not there, and without depriving you both and reading the transcripts, it is kind of hard to say whether he had been flirting — you say his match seemed kind of weak — and if so, how much of it was just flirting because flirting is fun and how much of it had been flirting with intent. All that being said: I do not believe he had been leading you on, and I do not believe he was deliberately concealing the fact that he had a girlfriend. Considering that you are operating in similar circles — fandom will be a small world, after all — it is entirely possible that he presumed you knew he was seeing somebody. Why didn’t he bring her up when you’re speaking? Well: I have not seen the transcripts, but it is possible that the subject just didn’t come up. I have had many, many discussions with my friends — people both — where we do not talk about our significant others just because there’s no call. It is possible — even advisable — to have a life outside your connection after all.

I also am willing to wager {} no idea you were to him. When you straight-up out him, he suddenly realized that you two were not on the same page and suddenly things got awkward. Or perhaps he had a hint that you liked him but was prepared to ignore it in hopes that you would wind up romantically interested in somebody else and you would not have this nascent infatuation between the both of you.

Either way: shit done got bizarre.

Before I get into what to do about this, I wish to deal with your question about what was he doing beginning a relationship with you whatsoever. Something to bear in mind is that men generally have more emotionally intimate friendships with girls than they do with other guys. It’s a good deal easier for men to open up to girls than it is for other men; regardless of how much people can talk about bromances, being open and emotionally intimate with another dude is still seen as being unmanly. The term”bromance” conveys the”ha ha, it is kind of like you are dating” pointed nudging and also not-quite joking, and men can be uncomfortable with this. Thus, we often seek out closeness from our female friends, who have a tendency to be less judgmental and more accepting of emotional openness. When you look at it from one angle, yeah, it may sort of look like a romantic relationship… but it is about fulfilling an emotional need than attempting to begin an intimate relationship or conduct an affair.

But all that aside, the immediate question is: what do you do now that this is out there, flopping about on the table like an Awkward Turtle? At the moment, you are feeling ashamed and probably a bit angry. Take some time to allow the sting fade along with the anger cool off. As soon as you’ve gotten beyond the immediate pain, you are likely to realize that it isn’t as bad as it sounds . Liking a dude who does not like you back the exact same way is not embarrassing. Getting turned down, while sucky, is not something to be ashamed of. All that happened is that you found out that the both of you were not compatible. In the long run, there is no harm, no foul. It’s tough to see it today, but with time and perspective, this will wind up being one of those things you look back with entertainment among the wackadoo elements of the relationship game.

He clearly expects to keep your friendship. As I am always telling men, one of the difficulties with being at the Friend Zone is that you are choosing to remain there. You state that being friends is not going to be sufficient for you — fair enough, that is a legitimate option. Just do not cure his wanting to be friends like he is offering you the booby-prize, or that being friends is a bad substitute for romance.

If you don’t wish to be friends with him and you do not need to spend the remainder of your time preventing him whenever you may be at exactly the exact same event, then I recommend you be straight with him. Tell him that he is a cool guy and you like him, but you’re hoping for something more.Let him understand that trying to be friends with him would to be painful for you and it is not fair to either of you to attempt to continue things when you are longing for something he is not able to provide you with. And then you simply let matters drift apart. If you happen to run into each other at events, then be polite, say hello and just keep going. If things get awkward, then simply acknowledge the awkwardness. It doesn’t need to be a teeth-grindingly embarrassing situation if you don’t let it be.

Very good luck.

This post was formerly published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Is He Lying About Being Single? 6 Evidence to Figure it Out


Does He Prove Signs Signs He’s Another Girlfriend?

Hello my lovely readers! Gregg here, and we will need to speak about an important topic… Is he lying about being single? Can he show signs he has another girlfriend? There’s nothing that irritates me more than once a man pretends he’s single, when in fact, he’s married or has a girlfriend. Here is the first of two articles.

This post provides you the hints, and my next article will expose him if he shows the signs!

He does not give you his mobile number

Men don’t be worried about safety in regards to women. We do not need to overly, for the most part, we’re bigger and tougher than you men. The only reason we do not give up it is because we do not need the other woman to discover.

He’s scheduling day time dates with you

You might think he is only a fantastic guy, right? And perhaps he is, but men rarely schedule dates — for one reason — gender does not occur during the day!

I know, I’m being shallow and you do not need to date a man like this anyway, but men think about sex all day long, even the good guys. It’s in our DNA to schedule a date on Friday or Saturday night. Why?

We’ve got a better probability of having sex with you! Having said that, I would like you to schedule dates, not him!

He texts you after 7 pm

Ok, let’s say you have his mobile number. Cool. But men in relationships are scoundrels, many have multiple numbers. If you’re getting texts throughout the day but they”dry up” if the sun goes down, guess what? He’s with his wife or live-in girlfriend.

I know this sounds crazy but, as most of you know, I’m a Dear Abner for girls and I get about 30 mails daily. I’ve had several women which were duped, through no fault of their own, by married men!

An overnight stay is nearly impossible for a man who’s in a relationship unless he travels all the time for work.

He has interrupted when you are on a date

Yes, it might be his boss, but it might also be his girlfriend. If he gets up and walks away from you for solitude, this should raise some red flags. When I’m on a date with a girl I like, I’m not taking calls which aren’t important. A wife or a girlfriend calling is quite important.

He goes MIA

I saved the best (or worst) for last. You know the script, everything is going just dandy and SNAP — where did Mr. Beautiful Blue Eyes disappear too for three days? Does his explanation sound something like this?

  • “I dropped my phone and had to replace it”
  • “I had been very busy with work”
  • “I had to help my sister move”
  • “I left you a text message, did not you get it?”

I don’t know about you but when I lose my phone, I am in the Verizon store in five minutes. And even when I am really active, it takes all of 15 seconds to fire off a text. “Didn’t get the message?” Ah, no.

To sum up…

Gregg, are not you being too cynical? Shouldn’t you give men the benefit of the doubt? After all, he took me out for supper and he’s was nothing but a gentlemen.

No! No! and NO! You’re in the early screening procedure. Reduce the rose colored glasses through which you’re seeing his lovely blue eyes and change back to common sense. If you’re feeling insecure in your relationship, you might not be the issue. There might be another girl in his life.

If he shows the signs over then he is probably in a relationship. Bear in mind, you’re a high value girl and higher value women have alternatives, set boundaries, and make men prove their value through their activities.

This post was formerly published on Whoholdsthecardsnow.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Will These Zodiac Signs Cheat Even If They Love Their Partners

Infidelity is something quite common today, yet it is most often regarded as a moment of weakness of one of the spouses.

Some people do not know the notion of fidelity and cheating frequently on their spouses is nothing out of the ordinary for them. Additionally, the 2020 horoscope informs us that next year will include new challenges, accomplishments, and disappointments, particularly in love, but also from the relationships with other men and women.

Although you still expect that your partner will change and give up the infidelity moments, maybe it would not be advisable to discover which astrological signs are vulnerable to infidelity.

Yes, the aspects of a zodiac sign can provide clues about the behaviour of someone in a relationship, regardless if it’s short-term or just in the start.

Gemini

The Geminis despise the minutes of relaxation in a relationship, when everything becomes a regular. They’re tempted to be unfaithful exactly because of this.

They’ve a tough time making commitments when they’re involved in a connection, and they want more freedom.

The Geminis can not stand getting bored and, if experience and delight have vanished from the life of this couple, they will attempt to find them with somebody else. Afterward, they’ll be exceedingly affectionate, generous, and they’ll shower their partners with loads of compliments.

Libra

The most unpleasant part of Libra’s infidelity is they don’t feel any guilt, and they do not even consider it something terrible.

If they feel liberated or believe that they don’t spend as much time as they need with their spouses, they’ll cheat with any available person coming their way.

Entertainment is quite important for Libras, and their spouses ought to be aware of this right from the start.

That is not to say Libras intentionally hurt their spouses when, in fact, they do not know why cheating is such a large issue.

Besides, Libras love everything beautiful, and they can’t resist when they see a pretty face.

Leo

The Leos need to be the center of attention and, even if they do not get it from their spouses, they won’t think twice before cheating. In regards to the people they love and desire beside them, Leos can not complain that they lack choices.

Whenever the Leos are unfaithful, they wish to believe {} the last time, but it’s the last time a lot of occasions. The fantastic thing is that when they find someone who is truly their game, the Leos doesn’t believe even for one moment to be unfaithful.

Pisces

The Pisces are incredibly sensitive individuals, and they do not want to hurt anybody around them. But when they are unhappy in their relationship, rather than telling the partner what they truly feelthey preferably cheat rather than breaking up.

The Pisces fall in love so fast, and as fast they move from one spouse to another, that sometimes it is tough to keep them up. They enjoy being in love, and they like showing and demonstrating their feelings.

If they’re caught being unfaithful, they feel terrible, and they do everything in their power to compensate for their error, which does not mean that they won’t repeat it.

Aquarius

The Aquarius isn’t after a conventional and rule-abiding lifestyle. They like to cause to complicate their lives just for the sake of getting some excess action, whether this affects their spouses or not.

They love being surrounded by people, attracted by the special traits of everyone they meet, which sadly means cheating on their spouses. That doesn’t mean that they do not love their spouses. It merely means they love everybody else.

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Hello Dr. NerdLove

I’d been with my current girlfriend for nearly 7 years and I’m happy and good with her. We’ll get married in the end of the year. I believe what is okay between us, but lately, a job partner (48, F), suggested to me in a job chat that I must have a last romantic experience. She said I must enjoy my last opportunity to stay with a different girl. I dismissed this and only dropped that idea but everything changed a few days ago.

I met there many people and I got along well with one woman in special. Nothing weird happened at the moment, but now after 6 decades, I find I like her and she seems to like me. Everything began with a Facebook article something like this”if you read this you need to kiss me one time if you keep on reading at this stage, twice, and three times in this part of the text”…

Well, I believe that so funny and then I answered,”sorry but I read the entire text” which was the start. We’ve got a sort of”date” last week and we spend an excellent time. We went to see a movie and after that, we moved into a pub. We had some drinks, we had some conversation and then we confessed our fascination. I need to confess, I liked it and I enjoy it as well. We spend all night drinking and dancing. We had a good deal of kisses too. After that weekend, we continued talking about more intimal dates and accepted to do”that”.

She’s very excited about me and that… I feel just”ok” with that. However I feel somewhat curious about remain with her one night. I am quite sure I wish to remain forever with my fiancée, I have no doubt about it.

Clearly, my fiancée does not suspect anything but I feel somewhat bad about doing so, but I think this could be my last opportunity to have a”romantic experience” before getting married.

I don’t know if this is something that I need to try and I’d like to know if this is really bad… please help me

Right, so where to begin.

Oh wait, I know: do not cheat on your fianceé.

My dude, I freely admit that my views on monogamy and adultery are nuanced as hell. Monogamy is incredibly tricky to execute perfectly and there will be many, many temptations in your way over the course of your life. But sacred sweet fucking hell chief, there is a giant goddamn universe of difference between”I had been on a journey, I had too many drinks and I neglected a Wisdom saving throw” and”I have purposely chose to cheat on my fianceé”. One is understandable. Another is deliberately choosing to do something you know will hurt your spouse, and that is a shitty thing to do to somebody that you love.

(And I do not even know where to begin with the fact that you met the woman you are considering cheating on your fianceé with when she was 14. Yeah, I know she is 20 now but that is still gonna be a”YIKES” from me)

But here is your problem, main: you have shitty information from your coworker. Your coworker is spreading the notion that union is somehow the ending of experience and the downward slide of boredom. It is the ending of delight, the end of excitement and the close of the joy of this new. And yeah, it can be… if you go into this with the attitude that fun, excitement and adventure is something which you can just have out of marriage. Which, incidentally, is a terrific way to be sure that you will not be in that union for terribly long. The trick to a happy, lasting marriage is recognizing it isn’t the end of experience, it’s only the start, if — IF — you work at it. A marriage is just going to be as dull stifling as you create ita decades long union can be just as passionate, thrilling and satisfying as an illegal affair if you’re willing to spend the effort.

Needless to say, that is not gont occur if you are starting things off by cheating on her.

If you love your fianceé and need things to work, then you want to cut off things with your friend today. No engaging with her flirty Facebook articles, no messaging, no dates and absolutely no”romantic” dates. This is a terrible scene, chief and it is only going to get worse. And like that the dude who had been afraid he is settling too much, if you go down this road, then you are likely to end up realizing that you gave up a fantastic thing… and you won’t have the ability to return back.

I (20’s cis male, hetero, autistic)’m told by ladies whom I hope that I am good looking. I simply don’t believe them.
Not that I have horrible self image or wallow in shame at what life threw at me, I am simply not able to check at what I have and see someone attractive and/or alluring.

How do I improve this lack?

No Mind’s Eye

You’ve got an issue that a whole lot of people have, NME. A good deal of us have a tough time believing it when other people tell us we are attractive. We look in the mirror and just wonder… what the pluperfect hell are they viewing?

Part of this is because we tend to be hyperaware of what we perceive as our defects. Our eyes lock on all of the areas where we feel as if our bodies are too our skin is too pocked and cratered. We see the parts of us that are too large or too small, that stick out too much or that look like they’re out of proportion to the rest of us and we wonder how the hell anyone could think somebody with those misshapen features was handsome.

However, the fact that we are aware of these things does not mean that other folks notice — or care about them. Except for that matter, does this mean that they think they’re flaws. The things that make you unique are often the very things which other folks believe make you special and desirable.

As importantly, many times, we do not let ourselves accept that we could be appealing. We might feel like we do not fulfill some impossible standard and so we believe that we could not possibly be considered appealing. Or we may feel that because we do not match some trend, do not have the currently common physique or even the ideal race or ethnicity, nobody could believe that we are hot.

I can tell you from years of working with people that people that are objectively handsome often can not see it. And that’s because beauty and being good looking is not only about facial features or physical perfection. It is about presentation, it is about style and it is about attitude.

Begin with your grooming. Utilize a barber or stylist to find a trendy haircut, one that frames and flatters your face and your mind. In case you’ve got facial hair, ensure it’s shaped and trimmed and neat. Pay attention to the way you smell, also; Brad Pitt might be a good looking dude, but that beauty disappears when folks realize he never pops, so he always smells like BO and bud.

Then locate the clothes that make you feel amazing. Clothes do make the man and if you are wearing something which makes you feel like a hot bad-ass, then in turn affects how you walk, how you sit and the way you carry yourself. Make sure they are clothes that fit properly also; a well-fitting t-shirt and jeans will look infinitely better on you than a baggy, unkempt suit.

But more than anything else, you will need to learn how to see yourself for the alluring bad-ass that you’re. Start by looking at the mirror and finding your great components. Concentrate on those; maybe you’ve got gorgeous eyes. Perhaps you have an wonderful smile or terrific shoulders. Let yourself feel proud of them, even compliment yourself.

And as weird as this may seem: begin getting in the habit of taking selfies. Learning how to locate your angles and having the ability to see photographic proof that you look great goes a longlong way to accepting that yeah, you are pretty damn foxy.

It will all be a bit uncomfortable at first. Men are taught that these are”feminine” or”female” behaviors. However, when you put those fears aside, you’ll begin to realize exactly how much being prepared to care about yourself can make you feel amazing.

Very good luck.

I am 17 and finish off my junior year. I’m having plenty of trouble with the women at my school. Here’s my scenario, I am still a virgin but have had girlfriends here and there, nothing too exceptional. I am pretty ordinary looking, but I’m on the shorter side, 5″7. I am fit, outgoing, and pretty funny. But my main issue is that no women at college even give me a damn chance. I can find any woman I wanted on the internet, but I am losing interest in online relationships or long distance.

I have been told that I am cute, handsome, sexy, by multiple individuals but no matter what I fucking do I can not get a damn date.

Is it my height? That’s the one thing I can think of to be honest.

I am 5’8″, SR, and I will tell you that my height hasn’t been a handicap. While there’ll always be women who will need dudes of certain heights, all that indicates is they’re not really compatible with you. It is a shame, but it simply frees you up to discover the people who are. There’re loads of women who will dig you.

Because, straight talk, SR: the matter is not your height. The matter is that relationship in high-school is a goddamn dumpster fire. High-school is less like schooling and much more like a maximum security prison, full of people whose hormones are surging so hard that nobody knows if they are coming or going. Everyone’s confused, everybody’s freaking out and everybody is attempting to find out who they are and what any of this means. That’s why folks begin playing bizarre status games and sectioning off themselves into cliques; everybody’s trying to discover identities and personas that fit. This is the reason my regular advice for people in high-school is not to sweat dating.

You are a junior. You have a year left of high-school, and when I am perfectly blunt, the chances that any relationship you begin now won’t survive beyond graduation. 99% of the folks in college are not dating the folks they were dating in college, particularly beyond the midpoint of the freshman year. Your best move here is to concentrate on developing the social skills and emotional intelligence that will let you be prepared to hit the ground running as soon as you graduate high-school… when you are going to be setting foot out in real life, when things will begin to really count.

Very good luck.

A version of the post was previously published on [site name] and is republished here with permission from the author.

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