Stop the’He Said, She Said’ Arguments On Your Relationship

“He said/she stated” has many meanings in the present world. It plays a big, and frequently unfair, role in determining whether abuse, harassment, or assault has occurred. But it may also make unpleasant exchanges in the best of relationships.

There’s a saying that perception is reality. That is not to say that there’s not any such thing as verifiable fact. Only that without an entirely objective measure, like a sound or video recording, it’s impossible to establish. Unfortunately, lots of people, maybe even you, expend an enormous amount of energy and emotion fighting somebody else’s perception.

I can’t tell you how often 1 person relating an event to me is interrupted by their spouse with,”That is not what happened? Or, I did not say that.” The first person reiterates their recollection, the spouse denies it, and things continue to spiral out of control unless I measure in.

While this works in my office, unless the couple knows this he said/she stated is obviously an exercise in futility, they will keep getting caught up in this unresolvable loop of trying to be right; not getting to the core of the matter and continuing to feel unheard and invalidated.

The reality is, you can’t encounter an event or conversation the exact same manner as another person. More importantly, you’ll never truly convince them they did not experience it the way that they believe they did. There’s always your version and their version of what occurred. The objective reality is someplace in the middle but, for all useful purposes, that does not matter.

So how can you stop this power struggle? Reduce your end of the rope. As soon as you stop pulling against your spouse, they’ll stop pulling against you. Then, and only then, can you get a real conversation.

The first step in this procedure is determining what’s really going on. You don’t need to justify or defend it, but you do have to understand {} subjective. It’s filtered through the lens of your physical, mental and psychological state in the moment and your previous experiences, both with this individual and everyone else you have encountered in your lifetime.

What you hear is not always what they said or intended. That does not mean you did not hear it like that. It’s what you experienced. Without any more information, you may do it on what you think happened. And, therein, lies the path to ruin, or at least an argument.

However, when you get sidetracked into what was or was not stated, the tone it was or was not said in, what was meant or not intended, you lose control of the situation and, frequently, of yourself. You are convinced you are”right”. Your spouse is convinced they are. Neither will give earth so that it turns into a drop for you, a lose for them, and also a big drop for your connection.

The antidote is to STOP, FEEL, and THINK.

STOP: When you recognize the dialogue is headed in the wrong direction, STOP talking. If you understand you made a wrong turn on the street, you would not keep driving away from where you are trying to go. The identical behaviour makes no more sense in a conversation.

FEEL: Once you’re no longer headed in the wrong direction, cope with the feelings which were stirred up. What you knew your spouse to say, the tone they used, or their facial expression/body speech made a reaction. If you feel anger, there’s probably another emotion in the center that is more applicable.

THINK: This emotion is the basis for the story that you’re telling yourself about what is happening. It’s the filter that determines what you listen to and remember. It’s a reflection of what matters to you. But, it’s just one possible interpretation. Once you are able to identify a few, you have the choice of selecting a different one. This gives you a means from the He said/She said right coat.

If you’re”right”, then your spouse is automatically”incorrect”. If you’re able to have different perspectives, you both can be”right”. This stops the debate over what occurred and permits you to move in the process of finding resolution.

That’s a topic for another day.

Need help now? Click here to contact me to get a free 15-minute laser training session on your main communication issue.

A version of the post was previously published on TheHeroHusbandProject and is republished here with permission from the author.

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You never encounter an event or conversation the exact same manner as another person.

The article Stop the ‘He Said, She Said’ Arguments on Your Relationship appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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Psychosexual Dating Specialist at www.EndTheProblem.com Jacqui Olliver is a published author who renews relationships by solving psychological and sexual problems for men, women and couples. Throughout her work, she co-developed the Emotional Reset Technique™ which simplifies psychological triggers. Jacqui is passionate about helping individuals develop new mindsets and approaches to overcome life challenges.

Falling in love and starting a connection is easy, but to stay happy in your relationship for quite a while can become increasingly tough.

The post The Vital Elements for Happy, Long-Lasting Relationships appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Build Me a Relationship

Something I find really important to building a relationship is as far as possible to see everything that is happening between the two of you.


As all you’re winding down your weekends, and might have been met someone over the weekend, I thought that today (Sunday) might be a great day to talk about relationships. Enjoy your Sunday!

Let’s talk about building a relationship. It is really interesting. So a lot of people don’t know how to create a relationship.

Of course people always come to me seeking advice on the best way best to meet somebody, but the question is what do you do as soon as you do meet someone? Whether you have just met someone you love or whether you are already in the process of relationship, how can you build a connection up so that it is strong enough to actually work out and continue?

The main thing to do to accomplish this is to be certain to have open lines of communication. If you’re dating someone today, then ask yourself this: Can you do recaps with one another? Something I find really important to building a relationship is as much as possible to see everything that is happening between the two of you.

You know, it’s interesting, because I had been dating a girl one time that was definitely a bit more conservative than I had been sexually. So in order to actually to get her to open up sexually with me, we made open lines of communication about sex and actually talked about it. She opened up sexually with me, she opened up amazingly.

Another time I was dating someone who was really uncomfortable communicating about virtually everything. She really wasn’t comfortable communicating about matters, especially emotions and feelings. So what I needed to do was to create a very safe haven for her to discuss things and to discuss things with me. After I did this, she did open up and shared amazing pieces of myself.

If something is bugging you, do not be afraid to discuss it with the new person you’re dating. Establishing the lines of communication similar to this is the only way you can get in contact with one another, and really begin to learn about each other.

Do not be afraid to say things that are on your mind, because they’re going to learn sooner or later anyway… plus, it is far better to learn as much about someone when possible. Consider the alternative. Otherwise six months could go by before something is out in the open, which is six more months which you have invested your hearts to the relationship and each other.

My proposal, then, is to go and open up a different line of communication with the person you’re dating. Be open. This won’t only make it more probable {} have the ability to build a strong connection, but it is going to let you make a deeper connection and distinctive bond with one another.

So communication is really, really important to building a solid relationship. It’s extremely important to have open lines of communication at all times, because when you do you have the ability to establish a connection that keeps getting better and is far better than any relationship you have had previously.

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How to Love the Second Time Around

I could not stop hurting. My ego was so brittle; I simply could not let it go. My husband had said something which hurt me, and then a flurry of texts ensued. I can not even remember what started it, but I do recall this… After hours of festering, even after he cried, I could not let it go.

Then he called me to inquire,”My love, will you recover for me?”

My first marriage lasted 26 years and was quite different than the one I have now. First time around I fell in love with a boy that was a man. We were only 22 and learned to become adults together, living our 20’s and entering our 30’s with a thriving career in the entertainment industry. We climbed to a family of six, and it was the very core of our joy.

Our union faltered through grieving that’s more extreme than you can imagine.

My husband said,”It is just too painful. We can not be together anymore.”

And yet I still loved himand I knew he loved me. However much I struggled to hold onto what we had, he simply could not bear it… and left.

Afterward, he died, two years later. A heart attack took him at 54, and I know for certain it started the day we lost our lovely boy.

Love the next time around

My union today is very different from my first. We had met briefly in New York when I was only 16, and he was 20, but he remembered me all these years later.

We fell in love immediately. It was his personality and ability to convey that struck me. Mutual friends would talk of it, also. They would say, You have got an outstanding man, Sandy. And I understood it.

It’s Hard mixing two complete lives into one

Learning about love the next time around is not straightforward. We’d built our adult lives, each with our own companies and finances, our unique houses, and different communities of friends. We both had years of life challenges and experiences. Some we climbed stronger from, and a few still festered now and then.

And then there were my kids. He had none, but embraced mine with good affection, always respectful of the memories of the father who birthed them.

We both had a huge library of background to our names, and we understood it doesn’t erase with fresh marriage vows. Instead, we needed to honor it.

We have been married for seven decades and still reside in two distinct states because of family and work obligations. We’re collectively several weeks at a time, then aside. We lean heavily on our tech devices to keep our relationship.

When we talk on the telephone, we do not have the daily gift of touch, nor are we able to find out what’s happening in each other’s eyes.

We also have a text connection and texting has a tone, as your own voice. It’s even more important to know about your tone in texting since there’s no emotion except what you create inside your words and emojis. We’re both keenly conscious of how one miss-interpreted text may spoil a perfectly beautiful day.

What’s the key to making it work?

I didn’t develop this guy, as I witnessed with my husband.

I discovered there is a process to an argument. It begins with a trigger. Learning how to diffuse it’s much more challenging. It was crucial for me to learn a more effective method of communicating with words.

And then there is this one…”I’m so in love with you.” When that one comes through either by text, email, or telephone, it is a complete and total fusion of the love we share. It is like a warm embrace, a long look into each other’s eyes, followed by a kiss that does not need to end.

And one more…“I’m passionately in love with you. I wish to feel you.” Well…. You can imagine.

Despite the fact that we have been together for nearly a decade now, sometimes words expressed while aside still feel a tad bit vulnerable, even as it requires complete surrender of ego and affirming a deep and lasting commitment to each other even when we can not look into each other’s eyes.

And it’s well worth it. I am not afraid to show vulnerability. I could be real.

Finding your voice now around

In this Second Act union, I have discovered I have a more powerful voice; not because I never needed it in my first marriage, but am a more confident girl than I was then. I am able to offer my opinion to my husband and hope it’ll be well received… all the time.

We’re more are secure in who we are and what we’ve achieved. We did not”grow up” together, we came together, forging a new love, and constructing a bridge joining two powerful foundations.

My husband says I was “forged by fire.” He understands I loved deeply and lost. He knows my heart still aches for my lovely child and the life I once had. He knows my life comprises a deep and loyal love for my children that I raised in my own because the time their dad left.

But There’s a sense of urgency

I know that individuals may leave this earth at any moment and it compels me to live more in the present. I don’t often use the word”someday,” since it doesn’t actually exist.

This afternoon is what we have. This afternoon we could live life to the fullest. No day ought to be wasted. We set goals and have fantasies, but we have learned to make plans for the close future, because our”somedays” are now.

People are happier having experiences instead of things.

In the best selling book, Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor, he says people are more happy by having adventures instead of having items .

Life continues to get lumps, and surprises I do not always expect, but I have proven to myself that I’ve weathered each one and bounced back from even the darkest times. I guess you’ve got those times, also.

Not long ago, my husband and I would not have had the choice to text or ready to generate a video call. We look forward daily to our morning hellos through text and frequently meet for a glass of wine in the evening.

We”check in” numerous times during our day. We all know how each other’s company is going, what we need for lunch, and what we’re studying or binge-watching on tv.

We’re sharing our thoughts after every episode of Outlander since the personalities, Jamie and Claire, are split, also, but not by distance. They’re sometimes centuries apart.

She was a British Army nurse in World War II who had been hauled back in time to 1743 where she meets with a Scottish Highland warrior, embroiled in the Jacobite rebellions of the moment.

And so does ours. Our love grows stronger, more loyal, and endures even when we are in two distinct states. It isn’t always ideal or effortless. We must diffuse disagreements quickly. I can not simply walk into his arms and kiss him and say I am sorry.

When my husband says,”My love, will you recover for me” I know he is not saying I should not be hurt or that I do not have a right to my opinions. We disagree sometimes, and one isn’t more right than another… we just have a back history of independent lives to draw from, and they frequently don’t agree.

The Same as Jamie and Claire. They have very different viewpoints, coming from various centuries, but they’re joined together in love and respect for the lives they understand and the marriage they want to hold sacred.

“Can you recover for me?”

I didn’t expect these words to touch me so deeply.

I began to cry.

Sometimes I resist unbinding my deliberate ego, but I am learning how to release the pain brought on by words which are sometimes misinterpreted through our existing communication devices.

My union is worth every bit of settling my wounded feelings and recovering… I understand every minute with my husband is precious.

I have loved and lost; he understands that. We can not waste time on things that actually have to be put to rest.

Of course I’d recover for him, for our relationship, for our life together. There was no need to prolong unhappiness when two words, said in the truest manner could return us to love.

“I am sorry,” I said.

You can not see anything correctly while your eyes are blurred with tears.” –CS Lewis

My husband and I may be in two distinct states, but we’re a gorgeous partnership bound by a deep and passionate love for one another.

Discovering new words and new ways to convey is an experience unto itself. It keeps our love living and active, and every morning we grow knowing we are loved.

A version of the post was previously published on Moderate and is republished here with permission from the author.

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These Four Words Are Certain to Supercharge Your Love Life.

I know. But trust me!

First of all, I am not going to allow you to read through this article to find out that those four words are:”What turns you on”?

But why am I so sure that this simple question will make such a gigantic difference to your {} enjoyment of sexual activity together (assuming you are not already using them, that is)?

It’s this. Women friends have repeatedly explained that their guys don’t appear to comprehend how they like to be touched and loved — or to have a lot of interest in finding out. And I have been one of those guys for a lot of my life — until my present partner (and now wife) did me the enormous favour of explaining that she could tell I was guessing at what she wanted from me in bed, and most of the time I was imagining wrong. She wondered why I did not just simply ask her. This question was so fundamental and so evident, it left me wondering why in the world I had never done that with her, or with any other girl I had been to bed with.

It was not that I did not care — I did…a lot! Partly because I wanted to be thought of as’a fantastic lover’ (or at least good enough for a woman to want to come back for more) and partially because in mind I did want our experience of sex to be enjoyable. Like most guys, I would not have been happy eating ice cream when I thought my partner was having to make do with a slice of bread. However, by not only asking that question, and acting on the response, that was too often the situation I had been (in all senses of the word) creating!

Those girls friends have told me that they often feel that their spouses are absent-minded or indifferent to their expertise in bed — and they have a feeling of being poked at in an insensitive manner because he’s in a rush to complete. The outcome? They feel frustrated and frustrated — feelings that over time can {} into the sort of buried resentment that’s often simmering in the heart of arguments over anything in the washing as much as politics, and which could be the source of an otherwise promising connection strangely ending. This certainly helped me understand better why some of my liaisons had gone wrong before.

They also state if they heard that’magic question’ in their spouse and felt that their response was listened to, and — most importantly! — acted on, their entire experience of being in bed {} be transformed. And they’d also be massively encouraged to ask him the same question so that they would know how to do what he enjoys best too.

This is the terrific double advantage that comes after using these four magical words along with your lover; not only will you be having the delight and joy of turning her on and becoming a sexual maestro in her eyes by doing what works for her, but she’ll also be eager to do the same for you This has become the greatest win-win situation on the planet!

The big mystery is why are not more guys asking this question in bed?   Are we too shy about sex to just figure out whether we are doing it right for the individual we are doing it with? Or is it because we believe that, as men, we are supposed to know just what to do, in bed (as well as everywhere else) and requesting advice might make us look less capable as fans or not as manly somehow — when actually the reverse is true!!

To put it simply… what hu-man would like to maintain preparing the identical dish for someone they love, without checking if they like the taste of it  — leaving open the possibility that she does not really like his cooking very much, but is afraid to say anything because she believes he’s so insecure he could be offended, or does not love her enough to want to seek out — neither of which choices are most likely to carve him a really large place in her heart. So she continues to attempt to eat what he is making because she won’t starve to death.

1 thing sure — this kind of relationship dynamic is destined to become quite unhealthy or codependent or is doomed to die.   Quite soon.   It is hardly a situation that will produce mutual joy and happiness. Yet from what I am being told that is exactly what too many couples’ love lives are like. Together with the result that both spouses lose out.

The situation may be so readily and radically improved by the magical question. Why is it that, tragically, so many guys seem unwilling or not able to take that simple step. Is it because of the ghost that haunts a lot people the fear of not being’man enough’ in bed? A fear that no girl I’ve ever met seems to understand or care much about, but which we guys can believe determines whether she is going to be attracted to us, or — if we do not have enough’man-stuff’ – — will want to denigrate and disdain, or even worse try to restrain, us.

I went through a stage as I got older and my erections were becoming less reliable, of needing to’ do the business’ with my girlfriend quickly, so I could reassure myself that I was’a man’, — out of an inherent fear that if I did not strike while the metaphorical iron was hot I’d lose that revered hardness and be ashamed of my’failure’ —

But in fact, all this did was make me look greedy and fearful in her eyes, and decreased the pleasure which I found could be there once, with her encouragement I stopped trying to get someplace or establish something with our lovemaking, and allowed myself to truly surrender to the fabulous sensations that were naturally occurring for both of us, and be deeply connected to my own feelings and to her.

As a side note, I noticed that the less I cared if I was vertical or not, the harder I looked to get! Still another win-win! It really did look true in my case there was nothing to fear except fear itself.

If you have ever experienced it, you will be aware that there are few things sexier than making love with a woman who’s completely welcoming and prepared for you, who surrenders voluntarily in the confident knowledge that you understand how to make her feel great, and care enough about her to do precisely that. Who feels that magic blend of excitement and safety with you, and who wants to be certain that you’re enjoying yourself as much as she is.

This is the consequence that asking and acting on the magical question is certain to bring.

Try it — you will (both) enjoy it. Guaranteed!

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The Way to Ask Better Questions on a First Date

Engaging in small talk with anybody can be a small nerve-racking — you are on an improv point for two, and need to think of things to say on the fly, avoid awkward silences, and come off as moderately charming to boot.

Engaging in small talk on a first date can be particularly anxiety-ridden. While unspoken, you are being actively evaluated in your beauty (both in personality and looks). It is just like a”job” interview for the position of future significant other. Ace it, and it might be the beginning of a lifelong romance. Blow it, and you may never see that someone special.

No pressure, right?

As a help in being successful at this sort of high-stakes small talk, you will find loads of lists out there that indicate good questions to ask someone on a date.

These lists often fall into two categories: basic, stock questions (“Where are you from?” “What do you do for fun?”) , and more unique, out-there questions (“If you could only bring 3 things with you on a desert island, what would they be?”) .

The problem with the first set of questions is they’re boring; when somebody is communicating a lot, they get tired of being asked if they enjoy their job and how many siblings they have. The problem with the second group, is they can seem pretty arbitrary — and overly scripted — if you simply drop them into dialogue.

Luckily, it doesn’t need to be an either-or equation. There is a better way to ask first date questions which incorporates both kinds of them.

You do use the fundamental, inventory questions — common though they are, they form a comforting ritual which puts people at ease. Nonetheless, you use them as jumping off points, which permit you to segue to more intriguing questions.

This approach strikes a wonderful balance between seeming like you are trying too small, and coming off like you’re trying too hard.

You ask a normal stock question, then act like your date’s answer to this question just naturally made you think of another semi-related, more unique one. Needless to say, you had the question in your mind, and that is okay. The paradox of being charming is that so as to act natural, you truly need to be well-prepared; it is not that people do not know on some level your repertoire is somewhat”scripted,” it is just that if you implement it easily and engagingly enough, they do not care, and revel in coming along for the ride.

How to Request Better First Date Questions With the Standard-Question → Interesting-Follow-Up Method 

The beauty of this standard-question → interesting-follow-up strategy is that it’ll take your first date discussions to places where you will indirectly get to know a whole lot about another person, without directly — and awkwardly — needing to ask them,”What is your deepest fear?” or “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

Though your queries should be thought-provoking, your spouse should be able to answer them without missing too much of a beat; people feel dumb when they need to perform the”Hmmm, boy, well, oooh, that’s a tough one” thing, and struggle to think of a response. A good indicator of whether or not a question hits the sweet spot is just to ask yourself the question, and see if you enjoy thinking about it and can pretty easily imagine how you would respond.

Also, bear in mind that a conversation is not an interrogation — you do not need to ask question after question without sharing anything on your own. Your date will hopefully turn these questions back on you, and develop ones of their own. When they don’t, however, pepper in some comment about your own life; study has demonstrated that individuals who reveal more about themselves (whilst making such disclosures within appropriate guidelines) are enjoyed more than people who are more guarded. Needless to say, if your date is a conversational narcissist, it is probably an ill omen of things to come.

Ultimately, while the follow-up query does not have to precisely relate to the normal question you forward, obviously the more tightly it will relate, the more natural the segue will be. So select a follow-up in the present time, according to what your date has stated, and link it to something she provided in her response.

Interesting Follow-Ups:

  • Was it an enjoyable place for a child to grow up? As a kid did you wish you lived somewhere else?
  • Aside from that town/city, is there another place that feels like”home” to you?
  • If I had been seeing your hometown, what is the very best thing you would recommend doing or seeing?
    • What was your”individuality” in the household? You know, some children are the overachiever, or the goody-two-shoes, or the crazy one, or the peacemaker.
    • Are/were you nearer to a sibling in particular?
    • In what ways are you different from your siblings?

    Standard Question: What attracted you to this town?

    Interesting Follow-Ups: 

    • What’s proven to be the most different from the conceptions/expectations you had about this place before you moved here — everything you imagined it would be like before you arrived?
    • What is your favourite thing about living here?
    • What’s 1 thing about this town you were not sure about at first, but have grown to love?
    • What is one drawback of living here that you don’t believe you will ever get used to?

    Standard Question: Where did you go to college?

    Interesting Follow-Ups: 

    • Did school meet the expectations you had of what college would be like growing up?
    • What’s 1 thing you wished you’d known going into school? Have you got any doubts about how you did faculty?
    • What do you miss most about your school days?
    • Is your job now linked to your major?
    • Have you stayed in touch with your high school/college buddies?
    • How did you meet your best friend?
    • What would most surprise your high school/college friends about how you have changed since then?
    • What do you think’s been the hardest aspect of becoming an adult?

    Standard Question: What do you do for work? Do you enjoy it?

    • What is lacking about your job that prevents it from being a dream job?
    • What are your hours/schedule like? Do you enjoy that program or are you more of a morning person/night owl by nature?
    • What is a part of your morning routine that can help you’ve got a fantastic day?
    • How do you like to unwind when you buy home?  

    Standard Question: Do you have some favorite television shows?

     Interesting Follow-Ups: 

    • What is a tv show you believe got canceled too early?
    • What is a show you see when you can not determine what to watch?
    • Is there anything you can re-watch over and over again?

    Standard Question: what sort of music do you enjoy?

    • What is the best concert you ever attended? Worst?
    • What is the most embarrassing concert you’ve ever attended (e.g., 1 Management, 10th tier )?
    • What is a record you never get tired of?
    • Is there a genre of music you loved in high school, which you now can not stand?
    • What is on your fitness playlist?

    Standard Question: Read any good books lately?

    • What was your favourite book you had to read in high school?
    • Are there any books you love so much you have read them twice (or more)?
    • Is there a book, that is not always your favorite, but you find popping into your mind the most often?
      • What is a hobby you would like to get into if money/time was not an issue?
      • What style did you pick up and drop the fastest?

      Standard Question: Would you like to travel? Do you have any trips lately? 

      • Is there a particular place/destination you like to go to regularly/return to again and again?
      • Is there some place you seen that disappointed your expectations?
      • Is there a place you seen that exceeded your expectations?
      • When you are visiting a new town, what attraction do you must visit first?
      • If you had to live full time in an RV or on a sailboat, which would you pick?
      • Would you want to have a holiday to the mountains or the sea? Did you know that study says people who favor the hills are more introverted and individuals who prefer the beach are more extroverted? Do you consider yourself more introverted or extroverted?

      Just a generally very good question to ask: What is something you’re looking forward to in the not too distant future?

      Follow the standard-question → interesting-follow-up structure laid out above, and your discussions will flow easily, you will cover a lot of ground, and you will never run out of things to talk about on a first date!

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