Hey Doc,

I’m a huge fan of your site. I discovered it after doing some googling to make a decision and help my mental state of being with my connection of over two and a half years. I am a young, 24 year old man who’s struggling with the decision to break up with my girlfriend or not. I have made an expert con list, I have talked to family and friends, and I {} come up with a conclusion.

We have been dating for two and a half years and fulfilled some friends in college during the fall of the senior year. When I first met her, she was just getting over a catastrophic relationship with a boyfriend who’d cheated on her, abused her (emotionally physically and emotionally) and was an all around poor dude. The first few months are rugged and she pushed me away because of her natural anxieties of getting in a relationship, and used the space to hookup with other men, have fun, and find herself. I did exactly the same, but only after being extremely hurt by this decision from her. Fast forward to early spring, she comes around and realizes that I am a fantastic guy. Apologizes for it all and blames her fears and beyond. I take this and we opt to check out the relationship, irrespective of our post-grad programs (she moved to Boston to go to law school, I remained in CT).

After a month or two, she expected me to move to Boston because she wanted to be there for college. I didn’t want to move there, but I looked for jobs no matter and she wasn’t happy when I could not find any. She asked me to sail to Boston while working my job in CT (a 1.5-2 hour commute each way) and eventually asked me to just move there with no job, which I denied. This was the beginning of where things got rocky.

Ever since that time, about a year ago, she’s been picking fights with me about things she’s insecure about, probably stemming from her past relationships. She has plenty of trouble moving on from previous issues. She brings up old things a lot. I’ve comforted her and restricted what I endure, as I do not think it is healthy to let insecurities to get worse. This is my first relationship, and I am a pretty confident man with a great deal going for him and come out of an old-school household of values and customs. I have never brought a woman home before her, since I’m pretty picky and don’t commit to relationships unless I’m serious.

That said, I am tired of everything happening. She’s asked me to pick her morals and beliefs, saying she ought to be well worth the sacrifice. My brothers and friends have gotten angry at hearing the things she says to me and for being with her since she picks fights all of the time. And of course, she takes up plenty of my time. I’ve seen her every weekend I could and put a great deal of miles on my car, missed family events and things I wish to go to so that I could be with her. She tells me every day she loves me and appreciates me and what I do for her. She constantly reassures me we are a team. She writes me notes, calls me a few times a day, texts all night and day. She treats my family so well, always bakes for them and checks them up. But I am tired from the constant fights Repeatedly about BS. I don’t hang together with other girls whatsoever, I do not go out to pubs, I do not look at other girls online, etc.. I find myself skipping out on things I’d normally do with family or friends so that I could be with her on the weekend.

We’ve mentioned about a dozen times that we are going to change and communicate better, not shout, etc.. And we wind up continuing to argue about the exact same old things she’s upset about. I have made some adjustments but they are not helping. At times, she can even speak to me like shes my mother and try to tell me exactly what to do. I care about her, but I am so exhausted and hurt to the point that I am falling out of love with somebody I’ve committed so much to. Can I go on? Or throw in the towel? The choice is finally my own, but I don’t want to let this drag out any longer and would love to act urgently.

I get a whole lot of letters from people who do not really have questions. What they are actually doing is asking me for permission for what they want to do. They just can’t, for several reasons, bring themselves to pull the trigger themselves, so they want another person to let them know that it is ok to do the thing.

And I am getting the impression that this is exactly what you’re searching for, ETD. It is possible to list the experts all you need, but there is no quantity of texting, love baking and notes you can do that is going to compensate for continuous struggles and unreasonable demands. Demanding that you proceed, getting angry when you can not find work and then demanding you create a long and expensive commute rather are examples of somebody being unreasonable. These are times when you undermine — two hours is not far to get a long-distance relationship, for example — rather than sticking to your guns and insisting that somebody uproot their life and throwing things into chaos. In the same way, demanding that you give up family events for her — you WILL go to every weekend, no exceptions — rather than allowing for you to have your own life is just as unreasonable.

While it’s a shame that she has been hurt and has her insecurities… that is a her problem, not a you trouble. It would be one thing if it had been only 1 thing that you do this sometimes triggers something… well, then you may learn how to avoid doing this one thing. But when it is a neverending chain of insecurities that she desires you to handle for her? That’s when you are well beyond the point of”I have some scars from past relationships and I could sometimes use some reassurance” and well into “You may conform your whole life around not bothering me”

It’s time to confront the fact ETD: this connection is already over. You are having the same fights, making the same resolutions and nothing is changing. That’s among the surest signs that things have ended, and all that is left is the revived husk of a connection. You have come to this conclusion. The only question now is if you are going to finish it now or wait till this connection has floor away whatever happiness and affection you have for her and left you with only bitterness and resentment.

And honestly? You do not need that pro/con listing, you do not need to record her sins or the disagreements you have had or why. If you have decided that you will need to leave, then you have all the reason you will need to leave. And I think you already have.

Do what you will need to do, ETD. You will be much happier once you’ve got.

Very good luck.

I had been in a long distance relationship with a woman who I sort-of grew up with (I live overseas, but see during school breaks). This hurt me a lot; she was my first ever crush, love, etc.. Now, almost two decades later, I’m still not over her. Despite not speaking to her for more than a year, I think about her daily.

Our families are extremely close, so this is my dilemma: I can’t avoid seeing her unless I avert my loved ones. So, the way I see it, I want to find some way of getting over her which is not merely to cut out her. However, I’ve tried a great deal of things and nothing has changed. I have gone through trying to despise her, ignore her, be friends, and so on, but my romantic love for her does not dwindle.

I don’t have any clue what I can do to remedy my situation. I’m exhausted by the pain this causes me, and fear just how much worse it is going to be when I live nearer. I think that the best way to describe my ideas would be like we are still in a relationship, and I never got the memo that it is over (albeit with much more obsessive behavior than a connection should have).

It seems to me like you have done everything except really proceed, SIL. Almost whatever you have done has been concentrated on her, especially, as opposed to on yourself. You have made her the middle of what you do, whether it’s trying to force yourself to hate her or ignore her or attempt to form a friendship. But what you have not done is focus on you.

The difference here is important. It doesn’t matter whether you are considering how much you”hate” her or how much you are consciously NOT thinking about her… you are still allowing her occupy your thoughts 24/7. Small wonder that you could not get over her; she has been dominating so much of the time which I would be amazed that you had the time to consider other things.

One reason why I advocate what I call The Nuclear Option — blocking them on social networking, deleting their texts, putting off all the letters, emails and photos and cutting them from your own life — is because you will need time to not consider them. You will need time to get space and view and let yourself heal… none of that can happen when you’ve got all these reminders surrounding you and the urge to keep checking. You want to let yourself have time without her — time to rediscover who you are when you are not The Guy Who Got His Heart Broken, time to remind yourself that there are countless amazing women out there who are not her and that you have a life and a future that does not revolve around her or the relationship you used to have.

It’s also one reason why folks say”the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”. It is a primitive saying, but reminding yourself that there are other folks out there that you find attractive and find you attractive is a excellent method of realizing that your ex is not the ONLY woman on the planet. It permits you to realize that she was not your last chance for love, you will see other folks that you will care for as much as you cared for her… and it frees you from considering her 24/7.

Unfortunately, it is somewhat harder to do this when you know you are going to be up in each other’s space. So right now the best thing you can do? Speak with your folks. Let them know that you are still stinging after the break-up and, if at all possible, you can use a little breather from her. That does not mean that you are going to have the ability to prevent her completely… but getting some advance warning that she may be about can provide you the opportunity to make alternative plans or get some time and relative dimensions in space off. Getting that time where she is not omnipresent will be important… even when she is literally the girl next door.

You will need to focus on you for a little, rather than her. The more you can recover your life and understand {} be ok and proceed, the easier it’ll be. And then perhaps you’ll have the ability to come back around and have a new and different relationship with her. One that is not based on the one you used to have.

Very good luck.


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