The Way to Be Appealing No Matter What You Look Like

Here Is How Ugly Men, Average Men and Handsome Men Can Find Love

From birth, girls are told they have to be beautiful. They are faced by the message everywhere they look — style billboards, magazine covers, pictures and music videos. 

But even though shallow view of women is unquestionably not equally put on young boys growing up, that does not mean that men are not conscious of their looks in any respect.

That feeling of inferiority, whether it’s about your looks or about anything else, really can hamper your ability to discover romantic success. Not because of the way you really seem, however, but because if you are expecting others to treat you badly, you are going to be starting every date and flirtatious conversation off on the wrong foot. 

But no matter what you look like, it is likely to have relationship success. The most charming average-looking man will have far more success on the dating scene than a devastatingly handsome man with a profoundly unpleasant character, and a so-called nasty guy who makes the people he is with texture great will be more appealing to many people than a decent-looking man who treats everyone he moves like crap. 

Do not believe me? To prove it, we talked to a relationship coach and two psychologists concerning the relative unimportance of appearances when it comes to relationship success. 


It Is Time to Quit Overestimating the Importance of Looks


“Men put far too much significance on their appearances, especially straight men,” says Connell Barrett, a relationship coach with The League and the creator of DatingTransformation.com. “We project our world view onto girls. Men prioritize visual attractiveness, so we assume women do the same. But girls are more attracted to behaviour, confidence and intelligence. Good looks are a wonderful bonus to girls, but a man can [be ugly or handsome], provided that he makes his date feel good vibes. For the majority of women, physical beauty does not crack top 10.”

This focus on looks is seldom a case of guys patting themselves on the back for being handsome. In actuality, many men who may be considered traditionally handsome still see their looks as underwhelming or unsatisfactory. 

“It is not just average-looking guys [worrying about their looks],” notes Barrett. “Many objectively handsome men fight this anxiety because they do not have six-pack abs or runway-model looks.”

All that anxiety does not add up to much, based on Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness.

“I generally feel that (straight) guys underestimate the value of looks with relationship,” he says. “While there isn’t any definition of success that is objective, I {} men could work on becoming more compassionate with themselves and concentrate on what they do bring to the table instead of what they believe they’re lacking. This will assist them seem more confident and self-aware, and those are extremely attractive qualities.”

Things to Focus on Rather Than Your Looks

“There is so much media attention on seems that all of us get the impression that looks are {} ,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of”Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today.” 

Instead, she suggests guys consider focusing more on their grooming habits. “While fashions vary, being clean and tidy is always appealing. There is a grunge look being promoted now, but do not be too gritty. Clean your act up, wear some acceptable clothes, and look your very best.”

If you are already well-groomed but you still feel like your looks set you at a disadvantage, you will find loads of additional things people search for in a man partner, no matter their gender. 

“A man can do many things to become more appealing,” says Barrett. “He can create his sense of humor because everybody loves to laugh. He can become a better, more current listener because everybody loves to be heard. He can communicate in a more expressive, less filtered manner because a guy who’tells it like it is’ is magnetic.”

Even outside of self love, an easy mental switch can help you feel more confident. According to Barrett, a man who is trying hard to feel handsome should”concentrate on and attribute the traits which make him a wonderful catch — the fact that he, state, speaks three languages has a cool job or makes amazing guacamole.”


How to Have Dating Success Regardless of What You Look Like


How to Have Dating Success If You Are Insecure About Your Looks

Step one to beating a sense of ugliness in the dating game? Working on your own confidence.

“Insecurity about looks is kryptonite to get a man’s dating success,” says Barrett. “If you are out on a date and burdened by thoughts of’I am not good looking,’ then you are toast.”

How much fun could you have if you can tell your date was super insecure about their looks?

“Play to your strengths,” he adds. “Tell terrific stories. Crack jokes. Be vulnerable. Find commonalities. Learn How to flirt.

Tessina asserts that connection is the true place that appeal manifests itself, and link can develop with no real regard to looks. 

“You are at your most attractive once you’re a great listener, who obviously cares about what your date is saying,” she says. “Show interest. Don’t let nerves permit you to talk nonstop. Give them a great deal of opportunities to tell you who they are and what they enjoy.”

And even if you’re uncertain about some part of your body you {} change, whether you are too short or too tall, too heavy or too slight, you can put a new spin on how you come across with the ideal style and grooming options. 

“In relationship, your looks do not matter, but your appearance matters,” says Barrett. “You can not change your face without a surgeon’s knife, but you can update your style today. Buy shirts and trousers that seem fitter for your body, wear quality shoes, get a fantastic haircut. Dressing sharp makes you feel more confident, and if you are more confident, you are more attractive.” 

If you’re not certain where to start, think about asking for help from somebody whose fashion sense you honor, or by requesting salespeople in clothes stores what they would recommend. 

Regardless, if you are prepared to devote a little effort in that section, it may totally revolutionize your appearance (and your assurance ) without much time or even cash. 

Feeling like you are average-looking can feel like a death sentence to your dating opportunities. 

However, even if you don’t feel as if your looks are holding you back, feeling stuck in the middle can sap you of your confidence in a heartbeat — especially in a contemporary dating culture that could feel completely looks-obsessed occasionally. 

But, based on some anecdotal data, what really resonates in dating program photos is not your looks so much as how happy you look. 

“With Tinder and the programs, the beauty of your photographs largely corresponds to the feelings you communicate in the shots,” notes Barrett. “I have run numerous evaluations on Photofeeler, and images which reveal a guy smiling or laughing speed twice or three times as appealing as the shots where the men do a smoldering, [runway version ]-type pose. To be more appealing on Tinder and get more games, dress good, look in the lens and grin.”

Tessina, for her part, notes that average-looking men can take their beauty up a notch by being powerful conversationalists.

“Do not sound ordinary,” she advises. “Have some conversational topics that will interest a girl. Make sure she knows you care about who she is, not how she looks.”

How to Have Dating Success If You Are Confident in Your Appears

In comparison to all the visually lucky men out there, handsome men might think they have got it made on the dating scene, but as mentioned above, looks are not the be-all and end-all of attraction. 

Barrett, for one, warns handsome men to not get so cocky about their looks alone to get them dates. 

“Think about it like this,” he says. “Jerry Seinfeld said that famous comedians get a’grace period’ in the beginning of a performance, but after a couple of moments the audience says,’OK, time for you to send.’ In precisely the exact same manner, great-looking men can not rest on the laurels of the appearances.

Very good looks may cause people to seek you out in larger numbers, especially on looks-focused programs like Tinder, but love (and even great dates) is more than just a numbers game. 

If you are handsome as hell but feel lonely all the time or struggle to get games or very good conversations on internet dating sites and programs, trying to unhook your expectations and strategy from your appearances and focusing on what you can bring in terms of your character and creating authentic connections will do you a world of good when it comes to your love life — just as it will for men who feel like they’re ugly. 

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Here’s How to Handle Sleep More for the Very First Time

The Best Way to Handle Staying the Night for the Very First Time

For one reason or another, dates often take place at night. 

While some people might attempt to get a daytime first date over coffee or a walk in the park, the dominant cultural script we have for dates (dinner, movie, bar) is one which starts some time after 5 p.m. and winds its way throughout the course of the day. 

Meaning, if you are having sex with your date, it is probably late at night. And there’s a fantastic opportunity that may lead to a single person sleeping over following the hookup. 

In some cases your date will probably be sleeping over at your place, but particularly for men dating girls, they are often invited to their date’s location as opposed to vice-versa. 

Why? Well, a lot of women will feel more comfortable in their own home. Being alone with a person they do not know very well yet can be somewhat frightening, and having the interaction perform on their turf is much more likely to place them at ease. (Also, let’s be real, most single guys do not have very appealing living circumstances.)

Regardless, that first sleepover — if it is occurring the night of the first date, the first hookup, or later on — can make or break a fledgling romance. 

Out on the town and dressed well, people may have the ability to put up a tiny façade, but at a more domestic setting, fresh from having sex, it’s easy to let your guard down and reveal the real you — and when that is not somebody your date is into, things may be over in a hurry. 

So as to assist you pull off a comparatively mistake-free first sleepover, here are a few dos, don’ts and specialist tips from a collection of relationship coaches and psychologists. 

1. Things to Do When Sleep Over for the Very First Time

The most important point to bear in mind while sleeping with a date is their experience matters, also — and how they feel about things could impact whether you ever see each other again or not. 

“It is not just about you and what you are hoping for,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of”Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today.” If you are hoping to get a connection, what you do tonight (and after) can make or break the deal.”

To this end, Tessina suggests being normally considerate and kind. 

“Be amiable, but not overeager,” she says. If you are dating a girl, you need to consider that she may not be used to having a man in her space. “Girls are often feeling fragile with this very first sleepover, so take it easy.

She also adds that if you are invited over directly, instead of after going out together — like being hosted for a romantic dinner, possibly as a second or third date — that bringing flowers is not a bad idea. But whether that is the case will depend on your age — younger generations may be weirded out by this overt display of traditional courtship. 

Meanwhile, Connell Barrett, the founder of Relationship Transformation and a dating trainer with The League, says you ought to attempt to spend the sleepover seriously — even when the connection is not yet. 

“The morning after, you need to make your date feel good about the decision they made — to take you into their bed, to be romantic,” he says. “While you are not in a relationship yet, treat them like your spouse, not a hook-up. Whisper sweet nothings, spoon, speak, tell them how great last night was.” 

In accordance with Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness, it is not to make too many assumptions. 

“Ask, ask, ask,” Caraballo says. “Every man desires different things, so there’s no one’right’ way to show somebody that you are a gentleman.”

“As a rule of thumb, it’s wonderful to be polite and treat people with courtesy, but if it is not real and coming out of your heart, odds are your date can sense that,” he says. “Either they will dislike that and allow you to know or will not think about your gentlemanly efforts significant and just proceed. The golden rule –‘treat someone how you would like to be treated’ — is a fantastic place to begin, and with occasionally checking in for optimistic cues you can make certain you’re on the path toward creating a fantastic impression.”

2. What Not To Do When Sleep Over for the Very First Time

When it comes to things to avoid, there are also a small number of those to think about. For starters, it is important not to treat the experience using a’been there, done that’ mentality, says Barrett. 

“A major mistake is treating it in a casual, transactional fashion,” he notes. This makes the other person feel used and means you probably won’t be spending another night in their place.”

In terms of concrete specifics to take into account, Tessina notes that making a mess and having bad toilet hygiene are large don’ts, especially for a female date. 

“Be clear in her place. Do not leave your things around,” she says. “If you use the toilet or shower, ensure that you leave it tidy.”

Caraballo agrees that a man’s usage of a woman’s bath can be a tricky hurdle to clear. 

At the same time, if your date has roommates or lives with family, it is essential to be aware of that. 

“Ask how you should act in accordance with their home rules (maybe do not walk around to the bathroom in the middle of the night, etc.),” Caraballo suggests. 

Another great suggestion is to not be overly demanding or over-assertive. You may be accustomed to sleeping in a specific way, but at a new area, it is a fantastic idea to allow your date set the tone concerning how things function. 

Needless to say, you can make requests — believe something like”Can it be cool if we leave the fan on? I get overheated easily at night” — but being persistent or simply doing exactly what you need may leave your host feeling annoyed or uncomfortable. 

As before, the guiding principle here is courtesy. Irrespective of whether it is a cramped apartment or a sprawling multi-story home, their home is their distance and inviting you there’s a small gamble — so treat it (and them) with respect. 

3.

1 possible conundrum of sleeping for the very first time is that it can be a very romantic moment. 

Sleeping in the same bed with somebody implies a certain amount of trust, and it is something which we traditionally associate with married or long-term couples. But if you’re just beginning to date, you probably do not know each other really well — which could make for an awkward mismatch. 

If you lean into being intimate and affectionate, it may send another person a signal that you are very serious about them, even when you are not; alternately, in the event that you intentionally set the brakes on things like post-coital cuddling and pillow talk, they may think you are rude, remote or uninterested. 

The best way to manage that uncertainty, based on Caraballo, is to be communicative, as opposed to overconfident about what your date is searching for. 

“While I know lots of folks frown at the concept of being explicit in communicating, it’s always useful to check in with your partner to be certain they’re feeling comfortable and that you understand what their expectations are and if you’re able to meet them.”

Barrett agrees that being receptive to communicating is significant — and notes that you ought to concentrate on ensuring your host does not feel as though you’re just using them for sex. 

“Be present to how your date’s feeling and do not overdo this, but tell them that although this is casual, it is about more than sex. They wish to know you enjoy them for who they are.” 

4. The Way to Handle Leaving in the Morning

Among the main elements of a post-hookup sleepover is the way it ends. 

Why? Well, that is the last time you’ll see each other for some time — it could be only a couple hours or it may be weeks. Or, if things go poorly, it might be for good. 

If your time together was going well but you botch the end, that could leave an unpleasant aftertaste in your host’s mouth, as it were, and change their view on how they feel things actually went. However, by the same token, if the hookup was just so-so, you may still possibly turn things around by nailing your death. 

Tessina suggests planning for the morning after the night before — this way you have some sort of strategy — rather than simply deciding what to do if you wake up. 

“If you need to leave at a particular time, let your date know the night before,” she says. “Do not just rush out.”

Barrett agrees that talking the morning plan before you fall asleep is a fantastic move. 

“If you are not sure you will want to lounge the morning away with your date, the night before, state that you are meeting a friend in the morning,” he advises. “This way, if you want to get a long, lazy sleep-in and spend more time together, you could always say you moved the appointment. And in case you’d rather get going earlier, you can bounce with no bad feelings.”

That having been said, if things are going well, Tessina suggests sticking around for whatever your host provides, such as coffee or breakfast, and possibly re-initiating a few of last night’s physical affection, such as kissing or hugging, and telling them you had a fantastic time the night before — unless you did not.

“If it was not wonderful for both of you, then say something like’I guess that did not go so well,”’ she advises. 

Caraballo suggests taking what, if anything, you know about your date’s personality into account when you wake up the next morning and are thinking about how to proceed. 

“This is highly subjective, and obviously pretty tricky land,” he says. “If you have not talked about the morning programs before the sun rises, I think the best bet is to be honest on your exit.” 

What does this imply, exactly? 

“Do what feels right for you, and think about what seems like a reasonable and ethically compassionate exit, given the interaction,” Caraballo explains. “Does your date seem like somebody who you love a simple note left? It all depends on the mood, but take the situation under account.”

1 thing Barrett cautions against specifically is staying too long — a situation which may make people too shy to ask you to leave or feel trapped in their own house, especially if they were not expecting you to be there originally.

“Do not overstay your welcome,” he advises. “Your date may have things to do. Ask them first thing in the morning,’What is your day looking like?’ They might have someplace to be. If they don’t and you wish to enjoy more time together, suggest taking them out for brunch, coffee or doughnuts.”

Even if you don’t go out somewhere together, finishing on a high note is a fantastic idea, Barrett adds. 

“Leave your date feeling great,” he says. “If you wish to see them, tell them.”

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Admit it, it would be a truly boring world if we all had perfectly happy and harmonious interactions and relationships.  Though –it would also be a world without country music, so there is something to take into account.  But truthfully, it’s the melodrama of life that feeds our desire to grow, evolve and change. Everybody who has ever met another individual has had the experience of discovering that occasionally their first, besotted reaction finally ends up becoming categorized into the”what-was-I-thinking?” category.  All of us have emotional triggers and buttons which could get activated by fulfilling the wrong person at the perfect time (or the ideal person at the wrong time).  Attraction and adoration can devolve into revulsion or boredom.With revulsion being the more interesting experience, actually.Okay, we are HUMAN and we’re deeply programmed by our upbringing, our environment, the culture, the media, the age, and that I could go on.  Half the time we do not know if WE are the one responding or if the collective mind is.  So how the hell does ANYONE form a healthy bond with a beloved?Well, step one is obviously KNOW THYSELF.  Study your own personal history and get a sense for what draws you into relationships to start with (romantic or platonic).  Are you a health professional, searching for someone to mend or just look up to you?  Are you a placater (or do you will need to be placated)?Honestly, all of us have our problems and getting in touch with your own is the first and most crucial step to knowing how to relate to another individual in a wholesome way.  Because who is the worst kind of person to interact with?  For starters.At exactly the exact same time, realize that whoever you’ve attracted into your life is, in actuality, a REFLECTION of you somehow.  Maybe your very best self, possibly your shadow self, possibly your karma (sorry, this type of b*tch).  So the very first thing you will need to do when you start feeling annoyed (or itchy or like you will need TO ESCAPE AT ANY COST!) ???LOOK IN THE MIRROR.I had this come up lately (really, it comes up all of the damn time, but here is an example) with a few extended family members that confronted me about some behaviour of mine they had decided was unacceptable.  As soon as I attempted to explain my behaviour, I was accused of lying (I was not ) but the fact was that I had not fully contemplated the situation from their view (nor had they from mine) so upon doing this, I chose to apologize, though previous to the confrontation I had no idea I had hurt or offended anyone.  However, the lying thing stuck in my craw–so I took a look in the mirror.In doing this, I realized that part of the reason they had NOT considered the problem from my perspective is that I hadn’t been completely honest about it.  While the particulars they accused me of lying about weren’t true (or honest ), the overall reality was I was putting a”sunny side up” face on a tricky time in my life, so that they had no clue of where I was coming from or the challenges I faced at the time of this situation in question.Because, you know, they are not PSYCHIC.Outside of clinical abuse, the majority of us participate in some dysfunctional finger-pointing and abdication of personal responsibility in the majority of our key relationships.Because, you know, we are HUMAN.  (it is a thing.)The only way to cure this trend is hyper-vigilance about our own (NOT the OTHER’S) motivation.  We can’t cure or fix or alter anyone who’s not in the process of doing these things by themselves.  So if you’re in a relationship where you’re continuously dealing with an intolerable behavior/attitude etc., get the HECK from DODGE.Let them do the job they have to do while you concentrate on why you drove into Dodge to start with–and yes, there’s a reason.We’re not in connection by happenstance.We’re in relationship to grow and evolve and learn and yes, occasionally LEAVE.Growing, learning and evolving are supposed to lead to modify.Otherwise, you aren’t doing it right.Your relationships will reflect you and your present state of development quite professionally, and until you realize and work with this, you’re doomed to repeat the identical unhealthy loops you really have been spinning for years on end.When your spouse is being selfish, cruel, idiotic, unfeeling, disengaged, etc–LOOK IN THE MIRROR.Are they representing you?Or are they representing your beliefs about you?In any event, time to create a change.–Shutterstock

We aren’t in relationship by happenstance. 

The article Unhappy in Your Relationship? Look in the Mirror appeared on The Great Men Project.

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I lay out this whole system in this publication . The quick overview is a real-life date in a wonderful pub or coffee shop for one hour followed by another”date” in your location where you proceed to gender. Here’s the picture overview:There are a list of certain things you have to do and not do on the first and second dates to be able to make this system function. Again, this publication sets it all out. I also summarize a few of the principles for the first date here. Today I will deal with the questions that I get from men regarding when to violate these rules, those isolated and rare occasions at which it makes sense to deviate from this system.Know this: These are RARE and ISOLATED occasions. These are items that don’t occur very often, maybe even never. The scenarios I’m going to describe aren’t an excuse for you to deviate from the machine each time you feel like it. If you do so, you’re going to get laid less, maybe more. Also, as they are rare occasions, if you encounter such situations repeatedly with a number of women, you’re most likely doing something wrong and want to perform a self-evaluation.With that being said, here are some of the questions I get, with their answers:1. Is there ever a time to allow the initial date go beyond 60 minutes? It is fine to let the initial date go a tiny past 60 minutes. Sometimes guys freak out and tell me that they”really fucked up” by allowing the date move 70 or 80 minutes. Don’t be worried about that. It is fine provided you did everything else properly.If you are asking if it is ever okay to allow the first date go a couple of hours or longer, the solution is no. Always remember you need the 85% participant, 15% supplier frame on all first and second dates for greatest chances of success across the wide spectrum of women.Are there any rare exceptions to this? Are there some women who’ll have sex with you really quickly in the event you’ve got a lot longer first date? If you are spending more time on a first date then you are not getting laid quicker. Through time I’ve had men tell me that they do quite well with getting laid on first dates but they generally have to spend 4-6 hours on the first date as a way to do it. Okay, but I am getting to sex within 3 hours or less with a very quick first date, so I believe I win.Even factoring that in, you don’t have any idea if she is one of these exceptions ahead. That means if you break the 60 second rule as you are imagining she might be an exception, you are working completely in the dark while the odds aren’t in your favor. Not smart.2. What if you do not get to gender on the next date when she is at your place? {Is it worth going after a third date or should you {} ? |} It depends on just what occurred during the next date.If the second date was not at your house, then yes, then proceed to the next date (ideally at your house ).If the second date was in your house, you did your best to get to sex, and you have sexual intercourse with her but not all the way to full-on sex, then yes, then proceed to the next date (ideally in your house ).If the second date was in your house, she is under the age of 33, you did your best to get to sex, and you have absolutely nothing (other than possibly some kissing), then no, forget that the third date and proceed. This is a top –ASD woman and fast sex isn’t something she is interested in at this moment. Quit wasting your time with her and move on to more relaxed girls.If the second date was in your house, she is over the age of 33, you did your best to get to sex, and you have absolutely nothing (other than possibly some kissing), then sadly, this is normal for women over 33. You have a choice to make: proceed on or suffer through another high-ASD third and possibly even fourth date until you get all of the way to sex. I personally would proceed, but that is me.3. Only if the date does not happen at your dwelling. If your next date is at another bar (or similar place ), which is permitted under this system, then you do not have to push for sex with this date (though you can and I often do).If the second date happens at your house, then no, you always need to push for sex as best you can 100% of the time while she is there. If you do not, and just sit and speak without sexually escalating as you are both alone in your bed or sofa, you will actually send contradictory signals and probably turn her off.4. Imagine if she orders food on the first date? This is uncommon, since girls do not need to”look like a pig” on a first date with a new man, but some more convinced girls will do this if they are really hungry. Let her purchase a cheese plate or another pub item (remember, you are in a bar or coffee shop on a first date, not a restaurant!) But do not order anything yourself and eat a little of her meals. Frequently this can actually boost results because she feels more”comfortable” with you.5. Is there ever a time you should agree to an “event date” pre-sex? No! All first dates must be you and her in a quiet place sitting and speaking to each collectively (pub, Starbucks, fancy deli, etc). No playing pool, no karaoke, no rock climbing, no hiking, no movies, none of that friend zone / boyfriend bullshit. Wait until you have had sex with her twice before you do this crap. Read this for more information if you would like to know why.6. Is there ever a time you need to go beyond 3 dates with zero sexual activity? No. Whatever women or beta men may say about it, the simple fact is that the world is filled with too many sexy, high quality, low-ASD girls who will not make you wait that long for something as basic as sex. If something as ordinary and mundane as gender is that big a deal for her, it’s extremely unlikely she will make for a excellent FB, MLTR, or OLTR. (The only way you could produce some type of exception to this is if you are talking about some type of A-list celebrity that you would like to have sex with just for the bragging rights; that is how mad you would need to get for me to turn this no to a yes.) Just do not do it.Some men will warrant putting up with zero sex past the next date if the girl does something like give them blowjobs. Again, this is dumb. There are thousands and thousands of other girls in town… why the fuck are you putting up with Only Blowjob Girl? Do you think I’d ever do this? No. You are destitute and you probably have oneitis. Move the fuck on.7. When should you like sex on the first date rather than the second? As I’ve explained on this site and in my books many times, focusing on a 3-4 hour complete face time 2-date system is much more time efficient than focusing 100 percent on constantly trying to bang girls on the first date. (Two quick exceptions to this: night game when you’ve got powerful game and pay-for-it sugar daddy game when you’ve got decent game.)The ASD you will need to battle through on all your first dates is simply too time consuming. If she is under the age of 33, you smash at least 80 percent of her ASD by escalating to gender on the next date rather than the first, and it doesn’t matter how long the first date was. It works really well. In these unusual circumstances, there is no reason to wait and you may also pull the trigger right then and there. I have had many of these initial dates and they are wonderful. Just remember they’re unusual and won’t be the standard under this system.How do you tell if she is ready for sex on the first date? Clearly if she asks to return to your place, say yes and take action. (Some men really say no.) This is going to be really rare though (though I have had it happen more than once!) . More often you will just need to learn how to read her. There is no hard and fast, always-accurate method to use, but here are some powerful clues:She is complimenting your look, particularly if she does it more than once. Complimenting your look .) She keeps saying you are sexy or handsome or adorable and so forth. Her body language is amazing throughout the entire date. She is always leaning forward, giving you fantastic eye contact, smiling, nodding, etc. She is under the age of 23. Boobs/cleavage hanging out, under-butt showing through her high shorts/skirt, etc.. I know feminists and left-handed girls will most likely hate this, but the empirical data I have (in my own monitoring and from other guys who have monitored this stuff) is that women dressed sexually do indeed often have sex with guys quicker. She’s always giving self-qualifying statements. By way of instance, you say you like girls with bigger boobs and she instantly points out that she has big boobs. Then after you say you like girls that are happy and she instantly begins talking about how pleased she’s all of the time. She exudes plenty of physical cues. She rolls her hair a whole lot, licks her lips a lot, fidgets with her hands a lot, etc. Be careful though; occasionally this can indicate nervousness rather than horniness. If a girl does at least two or three of the aforementioned items, you could pull the tiger on the first date in the event that you really need to. Simply say something like,”You need to return to my place for a little bit?” If you have read her correctly, you will find a very enthusiastic yes, and you will likely be having sex with her within 10-15 minutes of arriving at your dwelling. (Man. I love women in this way. I wish there were a lot of these.)If you read her wrongly she will politely say no. Just say okay, shed the subject immediately, and change the subject. Do not push it! Save the escalation for the next date when it is much lower.8. What if she invites a number of her girlfriends into the first or second date? Do not ever agree with this. My success ratio for girls who invite a friend to the first or second date is zero, so I learned very quickly to prevent this. Bringing a friend to a first date is a defense mechanism for girls to be certain they can prevent sex and maybe friend zone you more readily. I’d rather don’t have any first date compared to a first date with a girl and one of her girlfriends. But it would be wonderful to just speak with you. Let’s meet up, just me and you, and let us hang out with your friend next time.” Your likelihood of success doing so are only about 25%, but again, no date is much better than a friend zone-date with the girl and one of her damn girlfriends.The only possible exception to all this is sugar daddy game in which you are meeting up with two girls with the stated intention of you having sex with both of these. This may work if you’ve got decent game (I have done it). But even in these scenarios I have had guys have report that some women do so on sugar daddy websites as a scam to get you to pay them for platonic first dates (that you should never do, of course).

Today I will deal with the questions that I get from men seeing when to break the rules, those isolated and rare occasions in which it makes sense to deviate from the Blackdragon Dating System.

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84 Questions to Ask on a First Date

Conversation starters and thought provoking questions to create real connection and help you in your search for true love.

Modern day dating is catchy. Maybe, more of a challenge now than ever in history.

Why, with so many relationship programs making it easier to meet people, has it become increasingly hard?

I feel that since it has become very easy to find, talk to, and meet up with somebody, there’s minimal danger involved and therefore less attempt to create real relationship.

You meet up with somebody to make small talk for a couple of hours hoping to convince them that you’re a fascinating, charming individual. Secretly, you’re hoping to discover exactly the same about them.

I’ve committed my life to helping women create more self-love and confidence, which is vitally important in dating.

Below is a list of 84 conversation and thought provoking questions to create real connection and help you in your search for true love.

Now get out there and find your soulmate!

  • What do you do, and how long are you doing it?
  • Where are you from originally?
  • Where did you go to college?
  • That has been the biggest influence on your life?
  • What is your favourite place in the whole world?
  • What actually makes you laugh?
  • Are there any foods you absolutely despise?
  • What is your favourite movie of all time?
  • What is your favourite book of all time?
  • What is your biggest goal right now?
  • What is your favourite way to spend a weekend?
  • What were you like as a child?
  • What should I know about you that I’d never think to ask about?
  • What do you like to do if you are not working?
  • What is your favorite TV show at the moment?
  • Which sort of music do you enjoy?
  • Have you traveled anywhere really cool lately?
  • What’s your absolute favourite food?
  • Who is your biggest role model?
  • What is your biggest pet peeve?
  • Would you like tea or coffee?
  • Do you have any siblings?
  • In case you won the lottery, what’s the first thing you would do with the money?
  • Is there anywhere else you’d really like to live, besides here?
  • What is on your bucket listing?
  • Do you like cooking?
  • What is your favourite thing about your job?
  • What is your least favourite thing about your job?
  • Do you have a busy week coming up?
  • What combination of toppings makes your perfect pizza?
  • Do you drink?
  • Based on the above, what’s your signature drink?
  • What’s the most thoughtful gift you have ever received?
  • Does your family still reside in your hometown?
  • If you could be any person for a day, who would it be?
  • What is something you’ve been really proud of lately?
  • What is something you’ve always wanted to try?
  • What do you enjoy about relationship?
  • What’s your least favourite thing about dating?
  • What is something you are bad at?
  • Who in your family are you closest to?
  • What is your favorite holiday?
  • What is one of your favorite childhood memories?
  • What is your favourite article of clothing that you own?
  • What’s something you’re financially saving up for?
  • What is a New Year’s resolution you want to stick to?
  • What’s a job which you would never do?
  • What’s your complete dream job?
  • Do you believe yourself spontaneous, or a planner?
  • What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
  • Are you a big sports fan?
  • Who is your favourite sports team?
  • What quality for you is an automatic”no way” when chasing someone in a relationship?
  • What is the best single piece of advice you have ever received?
  • What do you want your 20 year old self could have understood?
  • If you could travel back and reside in any time period, when could it be?
  • What’s been your greatest achievement thus far?
  • What’s a tradition your family had when you were a child?
  • What do you enjoy most about where you live?
  • What was the worst job you’ve ever had?
  • When you’re a child, what did you expect to do when you grew up?
  • What’s one skill you want you may be better at?
  • Have you got a huge group of friends?
  • What is your favourite band?
  • If you could contribute to some charity, which charity would it be and why?
  • In one word, how would you describe yourself?
  • What do you look for in a spouse?
  • What do you find most attractive in a possible partner?
  • If you could be any animal, which animal would you be?
  • If you’re stuck on a deserted island, who would you choose to have with you?
  • If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what could it be?
  • What does your dream house look like?
  • What is an ideal day for you?
  • For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

A version of the post was previously published on huffpost.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Being a Classy Gentleman Can Help You on the Dating Scene

Here’s Why Being Chivalrous Is Always the Best Way to Act

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he’s really, really good at relationship. He has been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he is here to help the average man step his relationship game up a notch — or several.

The Question

Hello Dating Nerd,

A female friend tore me a new one lately because she says I am a jerk to the women I date. She listed off a whole lot of things I had done on dates with a number of her friends or women she knew (not paying for meals, not paying for cabs, speaking too much apparently, publicly asking if the woman wanted to hook up), and I had been behaving like a scumbag. This caught me by surprise — I feel like it is not any different from what every other man out there is doing. Is she right? Can not I come off bizarre and loser-ish if I am super nice and do not assert myself? 

The Answer

Danny, Danny, Danny. 

This may seem crazy, but maybe the single biggest favor you could pay your future self at this time is to understand how to be a gentleman.

Things like chivalry went from held in high regard to OK at best to fallen to the wayside. In the event you were to provide a random girl your arm to try to help her out of a vehicle at this moment, you would be met with a substantial quantity of skepticism — to say nothing of throwing your coat over a puddle so that she could walk without getting wet. 

Today, it’s a lot more common for women to experience shabby treatment in men. Obtaining ghosted, becoming roached, getting unwanted dick pics, brief flings that disappear the moment you develop any feelings for another person — that is the contemporary dating encounter in a nutshell for a good deal of people who date dudes. 

If you are not interested in treating your games well, that probably suits you just fine. It is likely that you’re not likely to be markedly worse than the next man, and most folks will be so burnt out by previous bad treatment they will not be expecting much by the time you roll around. 

However, the paucity of great dating behavior in modern singles civilization has a flip side, and if you are prepared to put in a small bit of work towards being gentlemanly, you stick out in a severe way. 

Nowadays, you are not competing against kings, princes, male models and rock stars. Your rivals are Kyle, who is hoping to have longer Tinder games than every other man in his frat before Friday, and Jon, who understands more porn stars by name than real girls. 

Perhaps you have heard the old canard,”People won’t remember what you said, and they won’t remember what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel?” Well, that is what being a gentleman is all about: making people feel good. 

The next time you are on a date, indicate a time and location. Request your date queries and make her feel like the star of a one-night, two-actor show. Pay for everything you do, and appreciate your time together regardless of what happens in the end.

In summary, you’re likely to become a gentleman. 

Why, you may ask? In one shot, you are doing a number of different things. 

For starters, you are elevating the level of relationship behaviour, even if microscopically, for the entire culture. We fix this environment where we are all horrible to one another by placing ourselves online, acting with kindness and grace instead of with nude self-interest.

Secondly, you are treating her right. You are not treating her like an audience to your blathering, and you are not treating her like a vending machine for intercourse. You are treating her like a person. Whatever she thinks about your looks, your musculature or your vehicle, I guarantee she is more interested in how it feels to sit across from you. And if it feels good, she is likely to need more of it.

Thirdly, look, the date may not fall how you want. When a first date sputters out, it is not fun for either party. But here’s the thing — if you’re a consummate gentleman from point A to point Z, that attitude will carry over to your future excursions. 

If you treat your date such as trash and make her regret the day she agreed to meet up with you? Well, you are only doing what you can to worsen the relationship culture for everybody. You are absolutely destroying your chances, and you are more or less guaranteeing that nobody will want to give you so much as another look. 

So take your choice. Being a douchebag may be simpler — but do not you think being a gentleman has a happier ending?

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There was a notion deeply ingrained in me at the time I started studying about seduction, which was that girls were something to conquer. Not because I hated women, but since I had difficulty understanding a large portion of their behavior. Now I clearly see that lots of nations of anger arise from expecting another to act, feel, and believe like we do. Since that’s not feasible, we end up thinking in oversimplifications that hamper our ability to interpret reality and stop us from overcoming barriers.Oversimplifications direct us to hold prejudices about the other gender. How often have we heard women say”men do not want commitment”? But if that were so, guys could stick to brothels rather than attending bars and nightclubs, where they need to endure failure, spend a good deal more money and spend more time and effort so as to sleep with a girl . This is a frequent remark that springs from the inability to comprehend women’s timing and fantasies. There´s the {} “all men/women would be the same.” These kinds of comments foster a struggle between the sexes, and we wind up wasting energy on attacking the other out of our trench line, rather than attempting to understand them.Another highly common mistake we encounter is that we compete rather than complementing each other. People today have a tendency to be manipulative, and they lie to make the most of others rather than being authentic. The belief still prevails that to seduce, an individual has to deceive and tell a girl what she wants to hear. This attitude is usually associated with fear of rejection: fear of demonstrating interest or sexual desire for someone and being caught offside. Fear of showing ourselves like we actually are, of exposing ourselves and our flaws. Like we said in the start, many conceive another gender as an enemy, and so as to seduce, they aim military strategies. “A frontal assault is significantly harder to point than an assault from the back”. Is this about competing or about trying for the same aim? Is not it that men want girls and girls want guys? Why should we make everything so complicated?Still another frequent mistake is to believe {} simpler for the other gender to seduce. There are guys who think that girls have it easier, and there are lots of women who think men have more chances. There are lots of components that promote this belief. On the one hand, since we’re drawn towards the other sex, insecurity makes us feel we’re at a disadvantage, and therefore we do not observe exactly the same thing happens on the other side.On the other hand, we have a tendency to overestimate the benefits and underestimate the disadvantages that the other sex has. It’s true that lots of women are approached by countless men, but the majority of the times these guys do not interest them. Also, we guys can approach any girl we would like, at any time, without being hunted down on socially.The truth is women are just as lonely and frustrated as we are, and whine about being unable to get the correct guy. It’s surprising to see how highly conditioned we are by the concept of what love should be like according to the films. Or by societal mandates that dictate which behavioral patterns and beliefs are right, a problem which greatly affects girls. In actuality, the amount of difficulty in seducing a woman greatly depends upon the society she lives in.Based on the state we are in, how readily we pick up girls varies, no matter our”match”. A vital element is the amount of sexual freedom people enjoy in a specific place. As a matter of fact, when a lady is on holiday she tends to be far more permissive. Why is that? Since she can do anything she wants and then vanish, avoiding conclusions from people she knows.In virtually all societies we find people that aren’t entirely free –they are subject to anxieties, repressions and mandates imposed by their own culture, family or faith –; we can detect the social roles that influence their behaviour. A very clear example has to do with the way we respect a person who’s not in a secure relationship after a certain age. How many couples have come together because of that societal pressure? How authentic can a connection be if it’s born from a mandate? Sexual freedom is also not well regarded, especially in regards to women, who risk appearing”sluttish” in the eyes of others.Many times I’ve heard guys say”I got myself a woman,” like it was some type of achievement or goal. Among men, there is the deeply ingrained belief that women are a thing to be got, that we have to work hard to attempt and get one. We fancy ridiculous strategies or produce lines to pick up them as if they did not understand what we’re trying to do. As if we needed to convince them of something, as we state in Argentina, like we were attempting to chamullarlas (“Chamullar” is a colloquial verb of widespread usage in Argentina, particularly in the region of the Río de La Plata, which describes convincing someone of something by unethical means (i.e. lying).In actuality, many guys like to brag in their choosing up someone through chamullos. What they are unaware of is that in most cases the girl had singled out them and was playing along with them. Chamullar isn’t equivalent to building compassion, and the gap between both of these theories can be perceived both in the motivation behind the interaction with a woman and in its own development. The principal source of those unconstructive approaches is worshiping women by placing them on a pedestal high above ourselves, but at exactly the exact same time, resenting them. Even though these actions might appear contradictory, they are actually two sides of the same coin. I was, undoubtedly, one of those guys in need of validation.Among the very first crucial changes of attitude, then, consists not in trying to find the perfect way to win a girl over (in other words, to receive their validation), but instead in growing as individuals. Have you got any passions or fantasies, or have you always done what you were told? Are your friends people you’ve actually chosen? Are you fit or obese? What type of relationship are you planning for? Working on our private development will enable us to treat women as equals; as individuals as opposed to goddesses.Having better relationships won’t result from possessing the coolest phone, the latest car, or studying the most effective pick-up lines, but instead from having a strong mindset, a well-defined identity, and being emotionally fit and having the ability to express ourselves freely.Increasing your interactions with women will come as a natural result of this personal development. It’s a guy’s attitude that makes him appealing: he should have an interesting life, rich not in material possessions, but in worth, abilities, and experiences. If those elements are found, the attraction between a man and a woman will spring up naturally, no-one needs to be convinced of anything.What Are Women Searching For? Women want men, respect men, fantasize about guys, and dream about guys. They need to be with us, they need us to be that man. And by saying this I do not mean they’re searching for prince charming or the ideal man. They simply need a guy who makes them feel just a little bit more alive. Somebody who’s interesting and humorous… Consider this: if a man or a woman spend a large deal of time and effort on something it’s because they take an interest in it, right? Then why is it that women spend as much time on their appearance? It’s recognized that some women take hours to groom themselves up before going out to a bar, a party, or any other social event. A woman who seems herself in the mirror a hundred times before going out desires to meet a guy who feels attracted to her, who chooses her over others.No girl (who is emotionally healthy, that is) wants to reject guys to be able to boost her up ego. Broadly, nobody likes having to reject someone; it attracts about embarrassing situations that we mostly try to avoid. Most of us have gone through that at some stage, and it’s no bed of roses. If a woman rejects us, it isn’t because she loves it, it’s because we did not make her feel something special. When she finds a guy who arouses a new, special feeling in her…it’s then that she’ll overlook the majority of his mistakes and give him a chance.Human beings act according to the way others make us feel. It might be said that each and every facet of seduction is finally reduced to the way we make a girl feel. When they don’t feel comfortable, attracted, confident, and secure, and they do not feel a relationship with us, we won’t have much chance. All of these are emotions that we can –and should– communicate in an honest and authentic manner. If this isn’t true, sooner or later the real motives behind the approach will surface, and the illusion will shatter. We’ll never get a girl who isn’t up for it.The truth is we aren’t picking her up, we’re picking up each other. If she does not want to be with us, this will be tough to accomplish. Of course there’ll be occasions when we will have the ability to find someone interested even when their first response was to reject us, but we should not try to convince them that we’re”a great catch”. We’re not something she is considering to purchase.Both genders need one another. Women aren’t the opposite sex, they’re the complementary sex. They play on our staff.–Previously Released on Get a WingmanShutterstock

Women aren’t something to conquer.

The article Gender Equality: Sexes Are Complementary, Not Opposed to Each Other appeared on The Great Men Project.

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There is one question that disarms couples at a moment of battle.

The Conflict 

John and Susan zoom into me on video chat in South Carolina. John’s a high-level executive using a steel firm. And while he spends a whole lot of time on the job, he is aging and well aware that his home life beckons, meaning in the upcoming few years, he will have more time at home with his partner.

I have been working with John for a little bit and enjoy this moment, occasionally, I will invite a customer’s partner on the call. We talk further about the job we have been doing and I get a glimpse into the other side of the relationship.

In this example, John has been feeling as though he can’t make Susan happy. Whatever he does it does not appear to be enough.

She’s been very candid with him about how she believes he has checked out in their connection.

Plus it comes out a moment later, when she says to him,”It is not me that is the issue, it is you. You did not show up Tuesday, did you?” They had a dinner date in the home.

He sighs, pulls away, a few inches from her, while still staying in the display view. I can tell he is getting mad, feels almost embarrassed to be outed by his wife, particularly in front of me.   Maybe this was not such a fantastic idea, I imagine him thinking.

“I called. You knew I had a significant last-minute meeting that night. I would’ve been there when I could have.”

“Always do the job, always work, God forbid you can tell them you have a meeting in your home that you can’t skip. God forbid…”

“I do not beg na do this anymore,” he barks.

she says.

“It means I do not wish to fight you.”

“I am not fighting with you, I am merely stating the truth,” she says

My instinct would be to separate these two fighting cats. And yet I allow it to play out a little bit.

Listen, I do not want struggle like this, particularly in front of Stuart,” John says.

“Well, he wants to see what is happening between us, behind closed doors, is not that right?” Susan looks at me for validation.

A moment passes, then another.

It is quite embarrassing, painful, but a reality.  They’re in a dynamic countless couples act out daily.

“Okay, timeout. Can you take a deep breath?” I say.

This kind of interaction?”

I have them turn towards one another gently, look into each other’s eyes. This also is truth. They do it reluctantly

As they do, I know what I will say. With strong statements and questions, I will break through their own bubble.

“Both of you, right now while looking at each other, I would like you to ask yourself right here right now, think about this question I am going to ask you.  It is a question that I think will determine your future.”

I pause, permit the effect of what I have said to land.

“What do you like? To be right, to win the debate or to be connected and loved?” 

Their faces are stone-cold, no saying. They look away from one another, then back again.

“F*#k, this is so hard,” Susan says. “… and so crucial. Thank you. I have been a royal bitch, have not I?”

And no need to be that person to yourself,” I say. “So take a breath and see if there’s a space where you are able to forego self-judgment, Susan. You are just as hard on him as you’re on yourself. Light tears roll out from her eyes.

“Be in connection with yourself for a minute, Susan. That’s where the true gift lives. Find your way back to yourself.  And then when you are ready, bring it back to John.  Get relational, not righteous.  You know he’s trying, he is trying hard. Take it, nourish what he gives you, and if you are ready, see him”

I know John is trying. He has shown that in our weekly coaching calls.

The Reconnection

She looks up at him teary-eyed, starting to link, rather than clinging tightly to being correct.  She drops her sword and shield. This is so tough to do. And she does it. It is her work. She’s heroic at this moment.

They reconvene, with their eyes, beyond logic. Admitting themselves back to the soul of the relationship — being relational, loving rather than right.

This is a traditional switch from our logical fact-hungry left mind to our emotive intuitive right brain.  You may think of the left brain as the fighter, the right brain as the lover.  We are a lot more relational in our right brain.

And to get there, in the heat of battle, just ask this one question — Do I need to be right or do I would like to be loved?   And ask it of your spouse.

When taken into your heart, it immediately breaks through one’s defenses and helps both partners to get off the battle and back to each other’s graces.

John and Susan saw that. And they continued to use that very simple question for a long time to come.

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7 Tips to Help You Start Dating Again

Galia Pennekamp sees herself on a shared journey helping singles get back in the match, the old fashioned way, in person! After reentering the dating kingdom ten decades back, she can maintain a deep firsthand knowledge of the good, the bad, and the ugly of relationship now. She based SOMETHING IN COMMON, a theory focused on empowerment, changing habits, and above all, building relations with the appropriate individuals. Through a series of one-on-one and team training and organized private occasions, she prepares individuals for the dating scene, and attracts the dating scene direct to you in a manner that’s safe, approachable, and ultimately helps individuals find their own happiness. Whether you’re interested in one-on-one training, or only want to meet people, SOMETHING IN COMMON is for you.

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Here Is How to Explain the Ex You’re Still Friends With

Explaining Your Ex Is in Your Life (Without It Being a Fight)

Sometimes in a relationship, you are not sure how to phrase a delicate matter or tricky issue. Sure, saying nothing at all is simple, but preventing the subject does not do anybody any good. Awkward Conversations offers you a template for what to say — and what not to say — and why, so that you can have those difficult discussions without turning into full-blown conflicts.

It isn’t exactly common to remain close friends with an ex once you divide, but it does happen — and it is the type of thing that could intimidate your prospective partners. They may question the time you spend together, gradually becoming suspicious that you are not over them even if that is not actually true. 

So how do you clarify your friendship with a former fire without alienating your current significant other? Fortunately, we have put together a very helpful guide for how to discuss it without ruffling any feathers. 

1. Be Honest From the Beginning

“Listen, I want you to know I have a history with my friend Robin — we have dated before. I didn’t wish to act shady and conceal that information from you.” 

If you’re still near an ex of any sort, your current partner will learn about it eventually. That means it is best that you {} from the beginning. Being evasive and hiding things from them is just going to put your spouse on the defensive when they figure it out. Keeping secrets will only set you in the doghouse as soon as they come to light.

2.

“We were not right for each other on a sexual level, but we actually respect each other on an intellectual one. We chose to stay in one another’s lives, and it has been an easygoing, satisfying friendship — we are there for each other as friends in ways we could not be as spouses.” 

This isn’t the time to skimp on details. People are always most concerned by what they do not know — if you explain why you made this choice to remain friends, your spouse will be more inclined to be supportive of it. Also, inform them that you’re pleased to answer any questions or clear any concerns they may have concerning this dynamic. 

3.

“I understand that it is a bizarre situation for you to be in. That’s why I wish to be certain you feel safe enough so you can trust me. I’ll do anything it takes to make you feel comfortable, you are my first priority.” 

Make sure not to shut down your partner entirely. If you are casually dismissive, they are only going to feel as though they can’t speak about their problems with you. 

Place yourself into your their shoes. With that in mind, you can approach the dialogue from a place of empathy. Validate your spouse’s feelings. Let them know that you are going to be there for them and to allay their anxieties.

4. Give to Introduce Them 

I think it may be nice for us all to hang out — if you are OK with that, obviously.” 

As your spouse probably envisions your ex to be this mysterious, shadowy figure, it is probably best to dispel that mystique whenever possible. 

It will be good for your spouse to get acquainted with your ex as a true, fallible human being (rather than a threat to the connection ). Your partner may also observe how you interact as friends, hopefully taking away some of the jealousy. 

If this will work, your partner should find that you’re not still in love with your ex, and it is only one way which can be accomplished. 

RELATED: Here is How to Speak with a Jealous Partner

5. Give Them Time to Get Used to the Situation

Don’t rush your spouse into something they are uncomfortable with. It may take them some time in order to be cool with you seeing your ex on a everyday basis. So be patient and do the work required to be certain tension is not building between both of you. Time is the one thing that’ll help eliminate that feeling of paranoia that may come from interactions with you and your ex. 

6. Make It Clear Your Partner Is Your Main Priority

You are the one I love, and you’ll always come first, OK? This will not change anything.” 

Lastly, do not leave your spouse feeling like they must compete for your affection. If they feel uncomfortable or insecure, they are that much more likely to give you an ultimatum of these or your ex. You can prevent this situation by being considerate and demonstrative of your devotion instead. 

As your partner, they’re the person whose feelings come first — make it clear that your ex won’t be jeopardizing that. Give them the attention, attention and consideration which will leave them feeling content and secure on your connection. 

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