Ask Dr. NerdLove: What Can You Do When Your Best Is Not Good Enough?


Hello, Doc,

I am a single bisexual dude. Then I hit 30 and began to worry I had missed the chance to find someone. I decided it was time to put effort into attempting to date because it clearly was not happening on its own, but I was not in a good place emotionally to begin. It took a year of working on myself then for a place where I finally feel confident and able to really put myself out there.

I am on essentially every big dating program and site now. I compose thoughtful messages, select people based on their interests or personalities, avoid conventionally attractive individuals since they are already overwhelmed with attention, and I attempt to be open-minded concerning appearance, physique, age, sex, and sexuality. I put plenty of time and effort into creating the best profile I could, and I try to connect with as many possible matches as possible.

I mentally prepared myself for all sorts of rejection, but I can not even get to the area where somebody might reject me because I never hear back from anybody. I don’t actually get any answers or interest or messages from men or women (not counting the arbitrary 50-year-old men who just happen to be throwing out dick pics in all directions and seeing what sticks)

I turned to the world wide web to find out what information was out there for single folks who had been ineffective, and it seemed to boil down to information for improving yourself, but… What if I am already trying my best with all that? To cover some of those”you need to fix yourself” advice: I like fashion and dress nicely, I use an embarrassing amount of skincare products and set lots of care into my look, I am at a healthy weight, in good shape and workout a lot, and I’m currently in therapy to work in my melancholy and mindset. I have met all of the singles I could expect to meet through my current social circle. I go to meetup groups and things like that. I’ve taken all of the advice I can on taking great photographs and having a fantastic profile and sending good messages on dating websites. I have plenty of hobbies (solo and with others ), hard-earned abilities and interesting life experiences, and I believe that I’m a fantastic conversationalist, humorous, passionate, affectionate, and overall a great guy with lots to offer! And it has taken me a great deal of hard work to get to the point where I could say that and feel like I am good enough for somebody else.

I honestly think I am being the best version of myself I can, but the final result is that I am still not good enough for anybody. There’s a large part of me wondering when I am already following what all the information states and doing my best but still failing, there has to be something really wrong with me. I do have an ugly face and I am short, but I can not do anything to change that, so I have been trying to make up for it with all the excellent qualities that I really do have. Recently, though, I have begun to wonder if these might be defects that other individuals won’t be prepared to check beyond no matter how hard I try.

Nobody owes me anything, obviously, and I do not blame anybody for my lack of success, but it still stings to feel as though I am not up to par for anybody out there at my very best.

If my best is not good enough, and my worst qualities are ones that I can not physically change, where do I go from here? When I started trying online dating a couple of months back, I did not expect it to be a massive success, but I was optimistic that I would at least be able to get a few people willing to go on a date with me. Now I’m beginning to doubt I have any value to others, and I am very ashamed of myself, particularly when I have single friends of all types success with OLD where I am failing miserably.

I am doing my best to remain positive and barrel, but I feel like most my hard work to feel worthwhile has unfortunately begun to fall apart because of this. Should I wait to turn 50 and ship out dick pics to all the strangers I could find? Please assist!

Doing My Best, Beginning To Stress

First of all DMBSTS: you will need to give yourself some credit for the work you have done. You’ve put plenty of work into your mental wellbeing and into your life and that is outstanding. You’ve done a lot on your own and no matter of how things are going at this moment, you have achieved more than you understand. You should be proud of all that.

Second of all: You know what words jumped out at me? “Dealing with my melancholy”. This is an important issue and one which casts doubt on some of your claims of defects because depression is a fucking liar. Depression whispers in your ear your worst fears and anxieties are accurate, that all your defects are worse than you had thought and everything is pointless. And it’s all the more persuasive because not only does it reach your best anxieties, but it does all this with your own voice. And I have been there, I have done that, I have done the job and I am here in the future to tell you that this basic truth: all {} things depression tells you is bullshit.

As I’ve stated more instances than I could count within this column when I had a nickel for each self-proclaimed”ugly” man who turned out to be anywhere between ordinary to”no, you are really good looking”, I would be needing mecha fights with Elon Musk at a life-size mock-up of Tokyo 3. We zoom in on what we assume are our imperfections once we look in the mirror, because we’re hyper-focused on them. We see them clear as day and twice as big because we are so knowledgeable about the topology and landscape of our face that they stand out to us like mountains.

Depression and anxiety take all that and dial it up to 11, and then it snaps off the dial since FUCK YOU THAT’S WHY.

Like I said: depression is a liar, and it’ll beat you down if you let it. That is why it’s great that you are working with a therapist about it. Getting depression in check and realizing just how much of it’s bullshit will be the single best thing you can do to help yourself. Learning how to love yourself is a massive part of relationships. It is not that you need to think you are the hottest thing since World War III or that you are perfect and anyone would be a fool to NOT be with you. It’s learning how to think that, even if you’re not perfect, you are still worthy of love. Even in the event that you have flaws, you are still worthy. Even if you’re not getting the success that you wish you had, you are still worthy.

That is something to hold on to, even if it feels like there is nothing you can do.

But that does not mean that the answer is”stop trying to date till you get your melancholy managed”; it is just tact which you ought to pursue while pursuing relationship. Another is shifting up how you are coming dating because right now, you are getting in your own way.

So let’s talk a bit about what you are doing and what you could do differently.

I believe the first issue is that you’re attempting to do too much all at once and you are giving yourself a horrible case of burn-out. This is truly common, especially among men. There is a trend for men to be what The Love Gap writer Jenna Birch calls”linear developers“: we tend to treat everything as a linear procedure. So that we spend a whole lot of time doing anything but relationship, so by the time we are ready, that is the only thing we do. So now we are insanely invested in the outcome because we have just put all this work into getting to this stage for ages.

Plus it makes things difficult because lots of times, the people we want to date — especially straight women — develop as a net: cultivating and growing their lives more or less concurrently. So they have been prepared to date and frustrated with the fact that they are on a different timeline than the people they are interested in.

So now there is a massive disconnect between possible games, which fuels the frustration since here we are, we are finally ready and nothing is happening. And that rips us square in the ghoulies because after living for this moment, our self-worth becomes so wrapped up in the outcome that this lack of achievement means that everything else we have done is worth and we are worthless.

And our psychological resilience falls apart.

Take on your case, DMBSTS: you are putting in all of the energy and getting nothing back, which is cratering your self-esteem. Part of the problem is that, honestly, you are putting in all of the effort. You are throwing a lot of yourself into this that you don’t actually have any reserves. Worse, you are doing it so widely and inefficiently that you have made it tough to find any returns on your emotional investment. So you will need to dial this back.

How you are on”every dating program out there” is a good example of this. Even allowing for hyperbole, when you split your focus over multiple dating programs, you wind up spreading yourself too thin. You’ve got too many people, too many programs, too many messages and spend too much time on all them. You wind up with the paradox of choice (too many choices ) and diffusing your energy and time. So begin by narrowing your focus to one, possibly two programs at the most. Various programs have different cultures and draw various audiences. Match is more oriented for serial monogamists while Tinder is shallow and shallow by design. Bumble and Hinge are both aimed more for people searching for relationships, while Scruff, Grinder and Recon are more hook-up oriented. And a curse (individuals searching for one-night stands maintain deluging people who are searching for commitment).

Pick one or two that {} with your immediate objectives and the sort of person you’re searching for, and allow your other accounts go dormant for some time. If you choose to switch apps, have a one-in, one-out strategy, to keep yourself from becoming overwhelmed.

Next: dial back the amount of investment you are making. As counter-intuitive as it might appear — even considering some of my advice about the topic — you’re putting too much effort in that first message. It’s great to be private and considerate, but there is a point in which you’ve spent so much in that message that the lack of reaction wrecks you. Your goal should be two-fold: get them to take a look at your profile and get a dialogue started. Do not overthink it, do not place too much time into it and do not write them a book. Give them a reason to check out you and also to reply to you. Ask a question, have loads of conversational hooks in your profile and then proceed to another person.

As importantly: message the people you’re attracted to. That bit about not texting the attractive people? That is not you making a wise play, that is you screwing yourself over since you do not think they may be interested in you. It is just another way that you let your melancholy rule your life and cheat yourself from potential happiness. Not messaging them does not improve your chances, it simply means that you keep on telling yourself that you are not good enough to attempt to even speak to them. Reinforcing your own sense of worthlessness is not a successful relationship strategy, even when you’re dressing it up in a lost sense of consideration for others.

In this day and age, most individuals are not meeting their spouses through Tinder and OKCupid, they are fulfilling them through work, through friends and through shared tasks. Living your life in such a way that it brings you in contact with others with similar interests is part of how we increase our potential dating pool. And in fairness: you are doing that. But part of the issue, I guess, is that you are approaching this as”If I go to X, I’ll find Y people I wish to date,” that is a mistake. Your goal in fulfilling people ought to be just that: meeting people. If some of them are people you will want to date right off the bat, then yahtzee! But most folks are not; that is nothing to do with them or you, that is just numbers. We are not attracted to everybody we meet, or even nearly all people we meet — especially right off the bat. The amount of people we meet that we would like to date immediately is modest. The amount of people we develop brought to as we get to know them? That is much higher.

As importantly, you may not meet people that you wish to date in that Meetup or in your social circle… but you more likely to meet somebody who’ll introduce you to the men and women that you want to date.

That, however, is another location where you must be ready to take the initiative. If you’re trying to boost the amount of possible partners, then ask your friends for assistance. Tell them you are looking to date and do they know anybody that you may click with? They might not have anybody in your mind right off the bat… but the window does not slam shut if they do not have anyone right then and there. You are meeting and getting to know people all of the time and so are they. So if they know you are single and looking and they meet someone new who may be your specific shot of whiskey? They then know to try putting you two together.

But the main thing you will need to remember? You will need the ideal person in the perfect place, at the ideal time. That can be tough to get to lineup. A few of the people you meet might not be in the perfect place, for you or for them. Or they might not be the perfect person yet.

A smart man once said: it is possible to generate no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That’s not a indication that there is something wrong with you. That is just life. But so long as there is life, there is the opportunity to make everything work.

What you can not do is compare your trip to anybody else’s. Some people have a simpler time in relationship which has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you personally. If you were to do the exact same things they did, you’d get completely different results compared to . Not because there is something wrong with you, but since you are not them.

And your journey is far from over. This is not the end. This is not even the start of the end. This is the end of the beginning.

Very good luck.

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Dating Website Plights

Flipping through a pile of electronic baseball cards searching for the player we’enjoy’. Checking the stats. Doubting their veracity.

1 online Dating Service that I’m on let me know that 1,637 individuals were busy at 4 AM searching for me (perhaps) but if not really for me… but they were all looking really. We swipe left or right as if there were political sticks in operation. We Conserve those we might desire (or with whom we’re interested ) and we Liberally dispel others to the ether of obscurity.

Flipping through a pile of electronic baseball cards searching for the player we’enjoy’. Checking the stats. Doubting their veracity. Folding them back to the pile. No more thought required. Click.

This is the way we find our’Date Mate’ or fulfill our’Match’, we look in the aquarium at’Plenty of Fish’ where we expect to obtain a’Silver Single’ or somebody to’Mingle’ with. Can there be’True Harmony’? … or are we being dot conned?

Do not get me wrong, I see {} a modern contrivance, but it slants the taste of the individual we hunt for by tainting them in this procedure. And it leaves a nasty little ring around the empty tub of our lives.

Both the hunted and the searcher are obscured and altered through this procedure. It’s inorganic and antiseptic in the best.

The mass-media prostitution of ourselves because we primp our profiles in the expectation of’discovering’. We’select a name’ and then whittle the truths and attempt to highlight the part of us we hope will ignite a kindred interest. We write ourselves into a text box and’rescue’. We endlessly edit ourselves, selling the sizzle and trusting someone wants the beef. We take our bet in a pool of abilities and aspire to rise above them. Later we feel burnt at that bet as the amount of our artificial worth feels undetected.

Flipping past photographs using a hedonistically critical eye. Tossing aside a human being for the arbitrary pound, a jagged tooth, a well-earned pair of smile lines, or the audacity of cultural deviation. We’re Progressive Peeping Toms immersed in an oddly voyeuristic exercise. But worse, we’re changed in the practice of it. We diminish as we discount.

Skimming over a soul like they had been a coffee table book can’t be without consequences. The ease by which a thing is dehumanized must have repercussions as we toggle to the upcoming two-dimensional depiction. Hoping to get a tantalizing tid-bit… a wicked grin? … a buxom pose? … a titillating name? … Rock-hard abs? Peeking through keyholes…

This is the Sears Catalog of courtship — or for anyone who have teeth not as long as mine — the Amazon Prime of it. We bid farewell to a little our self-respect as we place on the Craig’s List of hungry hearts. On the lookout for a’best offer’.

We pay a fee to be reduced to a two-dimensional image drop of depth and breath — our heartfelt reach is reduced to trite phrasing or laid out in unfettered honesty to possibly be’box checked’ and deleted. Leaving us oblivious of if we’ve been read — certainly never feeling seen. The contrived conversation that resides in a message box and yearns to advance to mere texting. To only have the ability to observe an uploaded picture’s unblinking eyes rather than the animator behind them. A parallel world where we let people know”These pictures are Present”. As we sort those words into the glued profile’pic’ and we harbor a little hope. We fight back the latent jadedness that lurks behind the empty message box since the dis-functional chat, we completely embraced, sadly disappears. The callous thickens… fundamental needs, nevertheless un-met, are squashed under the guise of disinterest. As another small bit of us withers inside.

We’re wary of predators and default. Where do you live? You do not look 45! What’s your name? Would you really like character or are you attempting to lure me into the trodden trail? Why do you keep watching my profile is it attention or cyberstalking?

And now the dreadful crux of the prose… We know all this and we choose it. ‘Alone’ is a vast, gloomy, and vacant space. It’s important not to allow it to be.

We wish to harmonize in tune — I do. There’s a magic in a twinkled glance, since the film plot turns, and you discuss it — you need to. Billy Joel’s’Piano Man’ reminds us”that we’re sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s far better than drinking alone. Whether we find a’Real-estate novelist’ or Davey (who is still in the Navy) or the waitress who is practicing politics.” We each hope that it is’me’ that they are coming to see… not to forget about life for a while — but to cut through the crass and the mess and discover a genuine heart to touch.

Protect the inherent miracle of your’self’. Know about how the fire is tamped down but try to not allow it. Reach cautiously for the brass ring on this Merry-go-Round of optimistic seekers. Great luck with your search. May love (and I) find you while there’s still a sweet piece of each of us left.

Oh, and by the way — the Sweetness climbs back! We can flower over and over. We must!

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Men, Tears, and Strength

Something opens in him. He can not hold in his pain. His heart hurts. His wife has left him. Or he’s left her. In any event, he grieves.

Men cry. I see this frequently in my job.  Contrary to common belief, they are powerful guys. Strong enough to…

Trust others to assist them.
Visit the scary places inside.

These aren’t men who crumble into a whole mess and can not pick up themselves for months or years later. That is a Hollywood cliché, designed frequently for entertainment purposes, not reality.

The reality is a man who cracks open out of his anger, through his rage, and to his tears, to resurface with a brightness, simplicity, and strength — a light that was not there before.  This man has a courage that’s frequently not viewed in the public eye.

This man gets it when I say to him –“Feel the hurt.

And it’s here, stripped from his armor, a man answers the call of his heart, of what the world hungers for from men — their complete loving hearts.

Strong AND loving.
Consistent AND flexible.

Stripped of self love, bare of machismo, at his {} ground zero, a man starts the job of rebuilding himself.  Here he frees himself of prior resentments, judgements, and arrogance, so as to be relational and romantic with his spouse, his loved ones, and the world. Giving weight, bringing into balance, his relational character with his transactional character.

It begins with his tears.

Until then, until he gets to the source of his own pain, he hobbles around, emotionally crippled, half a human being, including a time bomb inside. That is… until he can not contain it anymore.

In his splitting open, a man may go to where…

He fears most.
He had been programmed NOT to go.
He faces his fears of”being weak, a sissy, or a wimp.”

In the passing of his previous programming, he might be born to a different way of being a guy. He might understand his tenderness is an untapped strength. And he might reevaluate his tears frequently to tap the well.

He has to feel his harm so as to develop strength and compassion, to maintain the hurt of his spouse .

And only then can he be completely trustworthy to her. Only then can he be the guy she dreams of. Only then can he…

Stand in the fire.
Stay calm when she cannot.
Hold her when she’s struggling.

And it’s here, a question that girls frequently ask me gets answered.

“How come my guy is so closed down?”

I often say, he was raised to be that way for a boy. He was educated feeling…

Stress makes him a”wimp.”
Joy makes him “gay.”

He had been raised in”The Man Box.” * A limited container, limiting him to a restricted assortment of emotions.  It began at age five or even sooner — at school on the playground or at home with his dad or brother.

“Be a man.”

“Do not cry.” **

The Man Box dilutes his gifts as an adult man. Compromises his accessibility to empathy, patience, love, kindness, existence, and a selection of emotions.  From The Person Box, he resides in a black and white world, his liberty to live as an enlivened, lively man badly handicapped.

To escape The Man Box, he should fight… till his death, until his old means of masculinity dies.  And he can reclaim his psychological life.

But he will not go there until it is clear his present life is obviously no longer functioning. Until crisis hits. Until he loses things and family members. Until he pops his tears.

What he needs to realize is this.

“Only boys keep their lips dry.
Only boys are scared to cry.
-Rain, Vachel Lindsay

Tears are a present.

Tears are peacemakers.

Tears bring peace to a person’s oppressed heart.
Tears raise his rate of survival.
Tears strengthen his bond to other people.

Tears of the heart include the compound leucine-enkephalin, an endorphin that reduces pain and improves mood. ***

Tears don’t rob a man of his masculinity. In actuality, they enhance his masculinity.  By heartbreak, he learns his healthful powers of assertion, supplanting old patterns of violent aggression.

Tears don’t make a man a woman. They make him an emotionally richer and more empathic man. A man to whom the world can relate.  A guy who can fight for what is right in the world, rather than just what is ideal for his pocket .

Tears allow a man to maintain strong connection with himself, so as to maintain strong relationship with his spouse, his loved ones, and the entire world. Yes, back to self-relationship for healthy venture.

I’ve shed many tears. Over the last five decades, particularly. Enduring and fighting older selves that had to die. Ritualizing grief in passing. Crying tears for life.

The death of a marriage.
The passing of a career.
The near death (amputation) of a leg.
The passing of a Nation.

Gently washed off the muck in my soul, begging to be cleansed.

Previously Released on stuartmotola.com

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: When Can I Give Up?


Hi Doc,
In the past few months I have felt really tired like I had lost all of my energy and the one thing I need to do is remain under my sheets. It’s not like I would like to sleep, in reality I have not slept well in months. Everytime I go to bed I remember how pathetic and sad is my life and how unworthy am I.

I am 25 and because I left school (one year) I have been in a lot of occupations interviews and all have contributed to nothing. I know it’s supposed to be challenging but each time my hopes of landing a job have been crushed and I am scared that I will never get a job and I will never have a life and I am running out of time and waste my life. I don’t need to be a loser or a burden to my loved ones.

I have never had a girlfriend and that I never kissed or held hands with a woman in my life. Back in high school virtually every girl in my class told me how ugly I was and that I’d die alone and so far they’ve been right. I have approached many women before and always got rejected (occasionally is just a’hi’ and they look at me like GTFO) I have to conclude I am hideous or well below a minimum acceptable standard, because 100 percent of the women I’ve met did not like me. I do not try anymore because I am scared of being laughed or ridiculed.

I know you’ve been through hard times and low points in your life and I guess I need a word of advice about the best way best to keep going. I feel like I am giving up on everything and I really don’t know what to do.

Alright, ATL, you have got a layered collection of issues, and the overarching issue is that you are trying to deal with these in the wrong order. Examples of yours are like math; you will need to address things in the proper order to get the perfect result; otherwise you wind up getting an answer that appears correct but ultimately does not solve anything. Trying to discover a relationship, as an instance, is the incorrect answer. You are not in a situation where you are able to locate one or keep one. Not because you are worthless or as you are undeserving but since you won’t be able to. In your present state, you won’t think that individuals can find you attractive and you’re going to brush off the people who show interest lying or a mistake. You will take people’s answers in the worst possible light, whatever they actually did or said. Those girls you insist were looking at you enjoy GTFO? I can assure you that this is the mind taking a look at things and searching for the worst possible interpretation.

So let us discuss orders of operation.

In cases like this, you will need to work from the inside out. So first things first, ATL: the symptoms you are describing right at the very top? That is depression, man. Not”I have the blues”, but chronic depression. The listlessness, the lack of energy which no quantity of sleep appears to mend, the self-critical ideas as you lay in bed? Those are incredibly common signs of depression. That is why the first thing you will need to do is consult with a therapist and start getting that under control. And as somebody who wrestles with depression himself, I am here to tell you: that shit ai not straightforward. There is no one-size fits all answer. Some people respond nicely to cupping therapies such as Mood Gym or cognitive behavioral treatment. It may take time to locate the plan of action that’s ideal for you. It might not be any 1 thing; you might need more than 1 alternative working in conjunction to help pull you out of the morass and feel as though you’re back in control again. And that is fine. There is no shame in needing help, and being prepared to really take action to get better is a sign of strength.

And while it is by no means by any stretch of the imagination, exercise, meditation and yoga can surely help give you a greater feeling of control. Becoming active gets your blood flowing and your heart pumping, which helps your mind produce endorphins. Meditation and yoga help you get your racing thoughts under control and also teach you how you can find some much-needed calm and quiet at times when it looks like your anxieties are whispering in your ear like Grima Wormtongue. It won’t fix your issues, but they can help give you just a bit more power to continue and to push through.

Your next step will be dealing with basic lifestyle difficulties. Unemployment is awful in general, but for a good deal of men, it strikes on an existential level; we develop the notion that a Real Man Is A Provider and a Real Man is self-sufficient. This is part of why we get so anxious about problems like living with our parents or being”a burden”; it is not only the guilt of relying on other people, however, the fear that this marks us Not Men. If you are not living on your own without assistance from anybody… well, are you an adult? Are you even a guy? But the issue is that, while the stock exchange might be doing gangbusters and CEOs are pulling down record gains, the market still stinks for everyone who is not a multi-millionaire. Jobs are scarce and insecure — especially as businesses get”disrupted” and automation proceeds to eliminate tasks entirely — so everybody lives with the awareness that the job they have now might not even exist tomorrow.

This is the reason your next step is simply getting work. It doesn’t have to be your dream job. It doesn’t have to be the last job you will ever have. It just has to be something which gives you that feeling of control back, a combination guide-rail and stepping stone. It is something to steady yourself long enough to feel like what is not hopeless, you can then use to proceed to a new and better job. So in the event that you must join the gig market temporarily… do it. If you will need to get a job stocking shelves or pouring asphalt, then do it. This is only temporary, something that will help you get your feet under you. Save up your money as best you can so that you can take your next step — if it is finding roommates and a flat, freelancing, creating a side-hustle or taking time to go hit the job market like it is a piñata and you would like to have that delicious candy inside.

However, you will not be looking for a girlfriend; you are simply going to build your social life, holistically. You are going to make finding friends and strengthening the bonds together with the friends you already have. Possessing a solid circle of friends — people who love you, care for you and that encourage you. I realize it is not quite as sexy — as it were — as going out and finding Hotty McHotterson and eventually getting that first kiss or losing your virginity… but it is what you need much more right now. Most guys are desperately lonely and do not have a solid group of friends; as a result, they place all their psychological burdens on their wives and wives. This taxes their connections under the best of circumstances, but in addition, it isolates them. If their spouse is their sole source of emotional support, interacting and psychological intimacy, then those spouses become a single point of failure. Then you would be back in the place you are in now.

So, as I said. Order of operations, guy. The further you get your life in order, the happier, the more fulfilled and the more confident you will be. And that, in turn, will make it easier for you to discover a relationship.

Finding these aspects in your life will form the stable foundation which you can use to build on. You won’t feel out of control or at the mercy of this toxin your depression is dripping on your ear. You will be in a situation where you are going to have the ability to recognize your value and understand that you’re deserving of love. More importantly, however, is that being unmarried or not will not be what defines you as an individual.

I get that it is hard. I get how hopeless it feels at the moment. However, I am here to guarantee you: it’ll be ok.

You’re going to be ok.

I promise.

I am a female in my late 20’s with a version of a problem you have heard before. I can not get a date. The last guy I dated was in school and we were best friends first and changed to a connection as it became apparent we had feelings for one another.

I do lots of activities where I am around people. I play D&D with a number of groups of people (eternally DM), volunteer at church in places where I am about other people my age, go to the gym, play intramural sports, and hang out with friends where I could meet more of the social circles. My friends describe me as fun, friendly, flirty when I need to be, passionate about what I enjoy, witty, independent, and amusing as hell. However, I am quite analytically minded, pragmatic, and not very good at showing my emotions. When I jokingly asked which Star Wars character I was most like, they {} said R2-D2 or K2-S0. I’m also fairly overweight, but I am working on it and know that won’t change immediately.

I have plenty of guy friends, so I understand I get along well with men. They take initiative and invite me along to matters; it is not like I’m just tagging along with them. However, it’s never more than that. Anytime I attempt to ask a man out, which only occurs after significant flirting and it feels like they’re curious (and friends tell me it seems like they’re interested-so it is not just me misreading signs ), it is said that they simply think of me as a fantastic friend. And men ask out all of my single friends, but not me.

What am I doing wrong? I am not going to mope around and say”woe is me, I will be single forever”. When there’s something that I should mend, I’ll get right on it. Is it that I am not attractive enough? Or am I completely missing something else?

Here is my question for you, TMBF: Can you feel attractive? Not in the sense of”here are all the dudes that think I am hot,” but how you think of yourself. Can you look in the mirror and think that you’re sexy? Or do you look at the things you believe are your defects and consider looking good despite them?

How you describe yourself and how you describe your look makes me suspect it is the latter. I’ve known plenty of people, especially people who are obese, who look at their weight as the disqualifier from… well, everything. They don’t feel as though they have a right to dress well, to put effort into their presentation or to simply think of these as being a hot bad-ass. And that feeling of”I am not good enough” will get in the way of, well, everything. Because straight talk: there are folks out there who like big women, just because there’re people who like big men. And I do not just mean fetishists or those who believe that obese women are distressed or will put up with more bullshit, people that are attracted to and want big women and desire relationships together.

But it’s tough to find them when you do not feel as though you’re permitted to believe you are a sexy badass.

So my first suggestion for you is to begin treating yourself like you are hot. Find the things which make you feel unstoppably magnificent. Maybe it is a kick-ass dress. Perhaps it is another make-up routine. This is not about changing yourself to somebody else’s perfect, but in finding the things that make you feel like a goddamn package of awesome that individuals would be crazy to pass up. Because, like I am often saying, mindset is fate. And recognizing that you are money and knowing that individuals would be blessed to date you changes the way you approach relationships and relationship.

My next suggestion would be to examine how you are coming across to people. If you’re slightly more emotionally reserved and pragmatic just because that is how you obviously are… cool, you do you. But if you are holding yourself back because you do not feel as though you’re permitted to have a presence or express yourself… well, that’s when it is time to give yourself take a bit more emotional space. It might be that your cool demeanor and book might be putting people off because they believe you are not interested. It might be that by leaning into your passions and letting those passions become a bigger part of your life, you will feel empowered to become more expressive.

My third suggestion is to give things time. Sometimes the issue doesn’t have anything to do with you and what to do with the people around you. It might be that in your age and in your social circles, you are with people that aren’t mature enough for you; god knows that those men who like big women frequently have to overcome plenty of societal programming that informs them that their desires are black and that they should just want conventionally hot ladies. It can also be that you {} been in a position to satisfy the perfect guy yet. A very good friend of mine spent years dealing with assholes who would tell her to her face that she had been good enough to fuck, but not great enough to date. She was convinced she was going to die alone, unloved and unmourned.

A couple years later, I officiated at her wedding.

As unhelpful as it might sense, at times the issue isn’t something which you could fix; it’s only a matter of demographics and time and waiting for items to line up properly. Which ai not fun… but it also suggests that this too will pass.

You have got a lot going for you TMBF, and I guess that the more you adopt your amazing, the more chance you’ll ever have. Live an great life which makes you feel amazing and the rest will begin to care for itself.

Very good luck.

This post was formerly published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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10 Ways to Escape Depression after Breakup


Things might even go worse if these downfalls arrive with a lot more intensity. 1 such downfalls is a separation. Depression, being its worst response.

However, as they say, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Embracing the Difference

First of all, it’s important to see that there are some striking differences being sad and being depressed. Both arise from some severe psychological harm but they differ in their intensities. Breakups, regardless of what the length or intensity of the connection continues to be, flips your world upside down. You break down, you’re feeling sad, you shout, you fall and things get completely crumbled up. But these are simply some indicators of being sad, not depressed. Depression is a far intense situation where these signs have prolonging effects and may even make you feel suicidal if not detected and treated in time. So, firstly it is important to know whether you’re only sad or it’s actually depression!

Professional Assistance

Next thing that’s crucial here is treatment and acceptance for whatever the situation is. While going through all those emotional ups and downs, lots people fall in severe depression and even wind our lives!

What can probably do the job here is seeking skilled support or a psychologist who will mentor you and help you out with the injury. Someone who can support you and treat you ideally. Timely treatment can be a life saviour here.

Staying Prone to risks of Self-medication

After a relationship becomes over, somebody feels a lot broken up and might even push himself towards suicidal ideas. Oftentimes, it’s been noticed that a person gets into self destructive behaviour and even get hooked on drugs, merely to feel fine. In such a circumstance, it is always a good idea to look for some suitable guidance.

Break ups are a tough pill to swallow however, disastrously distracting at precisely the exact same time. It’s a stage that not only gets you in a challenging time but in addition, it makes your everyday life harder than before. In such a circumstance, if you’re slowly falling into depression, attempt to engage yourself in creative and productive activities as far as possible. Attempt to incline yourself into things that make you feel light. This can potentially divert you from all of the disturbing thoughts and make you feel comfortable on your own.

Stay Close with all the loved ones!

O matter how much, but breakups make you feel empty and alone within. At exactly the exact same time, you feel drained from love that is obvious. With individuals who drop in depression after, things get extra sensitive to them. The smallest thing can impact them. In such a circumstance, it’s always better to get in business with the individuals who love you back. Friends, family, or a close friend, it can be anybody you may talk out your heart to. Emotional and moral support can assist you a lot.

Mother Nature heals!

Now this might not seem much relevant to what our purpose of discussion is, but this may actually transform your problem. Remaining in the lap of nature has been shown to be much effective in reducing stress levels and calming you down. You can even have a trip to some gorgeous place and just spend some perfect time with nature and enjoy the beauty around you.

Learning new skills!

Break ups are hard and contributes to low levels of soul afterwards. Some people even get into self destructive behavior and only stop living their life simply due to a bad breakup. In case of depression, things always stay extra sensitive. Learning new skills can result in plenty of positivity in you. For the person who’s in melancholy and going through a challenging time, learning new and creative things can cause you to feel lively throughout feel!

Exercising and Physical Activities

Obviously, exercising and physical actions are effective at keeping you healthy, not just physically but mentally and emotionally also. Participating and engaging yourself frequently in exercises makes you feel a lot more positive about your self and bring about the confidence in you. Especially for the men and women that are experiencing depression, these actions can prove to be much helpful in raising your spirits and gradually bring you out of all of the traumatic suffering you’ve been going through emotionally.

Meditation

Another most powerful weapon which could be used against all of the negative things that depression brings in you. Meditation helps you in recovering and healing from all the sufferings {} been going through, since it’s capable of helping you feel secure mentally and emotionally. The only requirement is that these procedures should be followed with the discipline and dedication that’s only possible when it’s being done under the guidance of an experienced mentor with appropriate instructions. Or else, it might be get even more messed up.

Trust the process!

Getting from depressed condition is significantly more challenging than that which one can even imagine. But if you’re willing enough go rise up above all, you {} understand and trust the entire healing process.

Yes, healing is an entirely slow process and never comes easy. All you really have to do is hold your view up and see the wonders happening!

I truly hope this article helped you.

Drop your comments and let us know!

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The Purchase Price of Heartbreak [Podcast]

The end of any connection can be debilitating, but it may also open the door to finding something better.

Listen to Real Men Feel, #137,”The Cost of Heartbreak” here:

Writer, Rick Sharpe, joins us to talk about his experience with depression after the end of a connection and finding the power in his own vulnerability.

“I was the posterchild for preventing vulnerability.

Rick’s book and this dialog focus on finding the power in vulnerability in addition to learning the difference between reacting and responding.

Issues and Questions Include:

  • What’s you living in Dubai?
  • What prompted your book, the purchase price of Heartbreak?
  • Was this your first breakup?
  • What was your recovery process like?
  • Where did you learn it was wrong to become exposed?
  • What was the target of the book?
  • What is the best thing that’s happened from composing, the purchase price of Heartbreak?
  • Were you afraid to understand yourself?
  • What stands out as a key to your growth and recovery?
  • Some men respond to heartbreak by giving up on relationships completely, is that something you believed?

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Watch Real Men Feel, #137, the Purchase Price of Heartbreak, April 10, 2019
Notice: Rick joined us from Dubai and the movie froze a couple of times, but the sound is solid.

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I needed to learn how to appreciate how I am. That was a massive leap of faith. ” ~Rick Sharpe


Find out More about Rick in Rick-Sharpe. com

Check out Rick’s book, the Purchase Price of Heartbreak: Curing is mindfully feeling

Let us know what you thought here in the comments or shoot an email to [email protected].

Subscribe to the podcast in RealMenFeel.org/iTunes

Like the Actual Men Feel show on Facebook facebook.com/realmenfeelshow

Scroll down to the author bio for all the links to get more #RealMenFeel

A version of the post was previously published on RealMenFeel.org and is republished here with permission from the author.


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I shared a vulnerable place  and an outpouring of support, trust, and link came my way. A couple of people asked me,”Are you okay? I’m here for you.”Others said,”Thank you for sharing. This really helped me through difficulty.” And some said,”You are really brave.” It touched me. And it got me wondering, why was an easy sharing of the center so upsetting for people? Is it unusual in daily life? Are we so disconnected from our hearts?In my experience, the answer is yes.  And most challenging of all is when we hide our heart where it matters most — in our intimate relationship with our principal partner. And yet if we open our heart, our spouse opens to us. But we have to have the courage to act. Still, often we do not. It happens when in reaction to sharing, we hear…You will be fine, honey.Just get it over. Afterward, we feel even more lonely.  Did he hear me? Does she care?  We wonder. It is too much. But I need to challenge you.  Can it kill you?  Is it worth keeping your heart locked up?For some individuals, the answer is yes, without even knowing it; it is unconscious.We lock away our hearts to stay safe and paradoxically, it makes us less secure.  And as time passes, we lose one another.”There are elements of our personal story that are top secret. They’re off limits; we don’t dare show them to anyone.”All of this holding back makes us think that our spouse also has no additional mysteries to reveal. At this time, Eros begins to recoil.”-Prem Baba, “From Suffering to Joy: The Path of The Heart” Eros, that exotic part of us that’s profoundly curious about our spouse. When it is gone, we endure. Vital pieces of us die. The spark of dating simmers out.Simply said, the locking up of someone’s heart is a sort of self-betrayal and self-abandonment. It’s like you’re saying to yourself, I am not worthy of being loved; not worthy of being viewed; not worthy of relationship. So then, how can you keep your heart open in connection?Without the fear of burdening your spouse? Minus the fear of being weak? The answer has to do with you, more than your spouse. And it looks like that… cultivate healthy self-relationship… experience your heart. Sit with the pieces of you (fear, hope, loss, judgment, etc) that you resist sharing with your spouse. Work with these parts. As I said in my article last week, if I am not attached to me, I can not be attached to you. It’s that easy.Healthy self-relationship is the basis for a heartfelt, energized, and satisfying spouse relationship.  Once we practice it, we learn to open our heart to our ego and our spouse — without fear of judgment.When you commit to being in healthy self-relationship, you are saying, self-evident self. We are in this for the long haul. We get to know each other.  It lets you approach your beloved in a responsible way — with a tender heart, stripped of projection or blame, and a brave sense of vulnerability. “Babe, I’ve been in lots of fear lately. I wish to speak with you. And yet I am afraid you may not be amenable to hearing me. Can I share what has been happening with me?”I feel like we have been losing one another lately. I wish to feel closer to you.”Notice all of the”I” statements. Self-responsibility is alluring.  You are in your autonomous, building ethics with your own desires and needs — and producing authentic, permitted, and energized relationship with your spouse.And your spouse feels it.  She or he can relax, feel connected to you, and expect you to stay connected, even once you disconnect from yourself.—-Shutterstock

Is it worth keeping your heart locked up?

The article Hiding Hard Feelings and How It Affects Your Relationship appeared on The Great Men Project.

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10 Ways to Handle a Broken Heart

Moving on from a separation is a complex procedure. After the shock of the first separation, are feelings of anger, sadness, and grief that’s often crippling and mind-numbing.

The pain of a separation is so deep that it leaves us not knowing what to do next. Though there’s nobody medication to soothe a broken heart, there are certain methods can allow you to move on and heal faster.

1) Steer clear and maintain the space.

After the first shock of a separation, sometimes, the somewhat empty promise to stay friends. It’s important to not forget to distance yourself from them — no communication at all, such as texts, texts, and IMs.

Even contact with the exact friends or families should be avoided.

It doesn’t mean you need to prevent them forever. But it is crucial to keep away for some time to heal your heart and proceed.

2) Surround yourself with support

When hurting, it’s not difficult to distance yourself from others and keep away the pain. You start to question your self-worth. Are you perfect?

But you have to surround yourself with positivity and individuals who will support you completely. Not only can this assist you in moving forward from your ex, but it will also be helpful for your bruised ego, as it strengthens your self-concept and rebuilds your self-worth.

3) Handle your Anger and avoid lashing out.

Folks deal with migraines otherwise. Some folks deal with it with a grace that epitomizes maturity. Some people would burn closets worth of clothing, destroy furniture, and memorabilia, cut out and shred album after album of photographs, lash out at friends who said something tripping, and on events appear to their ex and make a scene.

It’s essential to discover a way to take care of the anger of a separation. Some can easily fall off the deep end and hotel to numbing with drugs and alcohol. 1 healthy means of coping is to try to write a journal of what negative in the connection. This way not only are you letting out your hidden frustrations and anger, but you may also help explain the reasons why the separation happened in the first location.

4) Feel your emotions and cope with them.

It is a natural response to push everything down and pretend that nothing happened because whether we like it or not, the world does not stop if we’re hurt.

After a breakup, it’s essential to keep in mind that as individuals, we feel. The anger, the pain, the confusion, the frustration, and the stress that you aren’t good enough, and you’ll likely not ever be happy again.

Acknowledging these emotions are terrifying. However, it’s crucial to confront them sift through them and deal with them to proceed.

Set the time to grieve the relationship for what it was and what it should have been. Cry and mope, but do not allow the negative emotions consume you and hold you back from living your life.

5) Discuss it out.

There are particular times for the overwhelming sense of pain, and isolation reaches its limitations.

You feel helpless; at precisely the exact same time, you feel like your chest will burst. Lots of folks are capable of bouncing back from a separation by themselves, but this is not possible for most.

Some people have difficulty coping with their feelings. And will require someone to speak to. It might be a parent, a friend, or typically, a therapist.

Although it’s painful, discussing the relationship and the realizations after the relationship is quite useful in sorting out emotions.

If you are having trouble coping and believe that you are depressed, seek help immediately.

Even when you’re enjoying one another’s company, something went wrong along the way. Thinking of the reasons why the connection failed can help you understand the mistakes you probably made, and help you realize where, and why the relationship did not work out.

It may also help prevent making the same mistakes in future relationships. By this time, it’s essential to take decent care of yourself. Have a look in the mirror and find out more about yourself. You may realize something you never thought possible.

7) Organize your living area.

Seeing things, the two of you shared will bring forth torrents of anxieties and painful memories. To cure this, you can change things up and enhance your surroundings.

It can be as simple as rearranging the couch and coffee table, to painting the entire room a different color and changing the drapes. Eliminate painful triggers that remind one of yesteryear.

Irrespective of your home reminds you of your previous lover, it’s vital to acknowledge the change. Embrace it and take it to learn from it.

8) Go out and have fun.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that there is a whole world outside your own. While breakups suck, and it seems like the end of the world, it’s essential to not let yourself be eaten by the remainder of it.

Go out and have fun!

9) Be conscious of rebound relationships.

Rebound doesn’t work the majority of the time. For many people, jumping in on a different relationship just soon after a separation, is merely a means of concealing the negative emotions. It might sound fine to be embraced and valued by someone else, but ultimately, once the relationship fails, the amount of negative feelings you need to deal with will double.

Have fun and mingle, but do not commit to easily.

10) Stand with your choice.

No matter if it was them or you who decided to end the relationship, it’s vital to stand by the separation and respect the decision to separate.

It’s easy to concentrate on the ideal side of the connection and totally dismiss the negative side. However, it’s a balance of studying the connection with objective eyes which may help romanticize the separation.

Cherish the good moments you have with one another. Learn from the debilitating mistakes you made collectively. Greater things wait for people who strive.

Bear in mind, a broken heart is a painful ordeal that impacts us at one time or another. It’s absolutely normal to shout, mope, and feel depressed about it.

However, you must always keep in mind that there’s still a rainbow after the rain. That even though it seems like the world around you’re collapsing to destruction, It is only a part of life. Each heartbreak is a opportunity to find out more about yourself and how you cope with this.

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