Dividing Against Yourself Sucks

Today, a story about the best anguish — forgetting who we are.

The Client

Tim comes into my office. He’s torn up inside. He’s been married for several years. But… something’s not perfect.

He says that his wife is a sweet man, great to him, and a terrific mother to his children. And he says,”I’m miserable. And I have not the slightest clue as to why.

We talk for a little. Very quickly, it’s apparent that we are getting nowhere. He is completely stuck in his mind, swirling in his guilt with what a terrible guy he is, for being unhappy with such a fantastic family.

I wonder, should I get out the boxing gloves and pads? Change things up with this man?  Perhaps he can beat the shit out of the demon he feels inside of himself.

Rather, I have him get up and stretch his body, move around. Anything to escape his head. I have him perform several minutes of jumping jacks to change his energy.  Sometimes the mind is a tyrant that only circles itself.

After the motion, we stay standing. I see he’s more relaxed, even milder energetically. “A little workout during a training session,” he says. “Bonus.” He laughs.

I ask him to remain standing, feel his breath, through his or her body.  I direct him to take complete body breaths, from head to toe and then back down.

The Change

We sit down again and suddenly he is more alive. He’s prepared to step in with more bandwidth to research his unhappiness and his union, without so much painful self-judgment. He is opening to himself.  He is no more dividing against himself.

Maybe he states,”I want to explore other associations, other freedoms in my own life, take space and time away from my loved ones.” At the notion of it, his face glows.

I make no conclusions. At least, his energy is shifting. He has more access to parts of himself that he was formerly shutting down.

Needless to say, I don’t encourage him to go have an affair. I have often said, if you can not make one woman happy, how are you going to make numerous women contented?

I’m amazed at his change and not, since I see it often how a person gets much more access to themselves, once they eliminate their moralistic and judgmental perceptions of these. Neutralize the brutal inner critic.

Tim is no longer thinking about what a terrible guy he is for not enjoying his loved ones. He’s actually beginning to think what a fantastic guy he is for loving himself. And while an affair or big trip away probably will not be the avenue to supreme happiness, it is an avenue to get parts of himself against which he is divided.

The Debrief

Yes, all of us have crazy ideas, not all of which we will need to act on. But how can we get the energy of these thoughts and incorporate them into our own lives, rather than judging and dividing from ourselves?

I have heard it said often and I lived it for a long time — that the best suffering is dividing from one’s self.  It happens every day and if it does, we neglect the requirements of our soul.

It can occur in an office, sitting all day, feeling agitated, not understanding why, in front of a computer all day. It can occur in a relationship, feeling grumpy over nothing.

And we benefit greatly if we find a way back to ourselves in the hardest moments.  And it may be as straightforward as yeah, this sucks, I feel separated from myself, and I am OK.

Tim leaves our session, not booking a plane ticket to Honolulu or Guatemala, but conscious that he wants to give himself more time and energy and space. He can not be so hard on himself and then project his distress onto his union.

“It is me, not her. I’m the person who’s messed up,” he says. Ironically, he is glowing. And not ironic because he is back in his power to do something about it.  He’s no more dividing against himself, beating himself up for his own distress.

And for this, he’s a better man for everybody around him — his spouse, his family, and his friends.

Do you know a fighting man who needs help? There are many people out there. Are you that guy, going it alone? Get help today.

Previously Released on stuartmotola.com


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Why Are We Always Arguing?

Fed up with always arguing? A study conducted in the UK has shown that many couples argue 312 times annually. Minor irritations have a tendency to be over frivolous matters like leaving the toilet seat up and other unwanted household customs. We argue for several reasons, often without understanding the underlying cause.

Many arguments are brought on by long-standing serious problems such as continuing sexual”malfunctions” in either or both spouses. Other disagreements happen due to incompatibilities in the health, financial and lifestyle industries of a connection. These are frequently brought on by conflicts of values.

Irrespective of the challenges you’re facing, clear communication is important to resolving all related problems. But have you ever wondered why you do not feel heard?

Without first eliminating the element of resistance, you may constantly feel as if you’re going around in circles without ever resolving the principal issue. This is the reason why so many couples visit numerous marriage and relationship counselors and don’t resolve their primary issue. They’re searching for an answer to the problem without recognizing that a major chunk of the problem is truly occurring within themselves!

Always Arguing With Yourself?

When you are fighting yourself and the emotional responses triggered within you, it is a natural progression to feeling out of sorts. This feeling of disconnection can naturally lead to irritable, bullying or fault-finding behaviour toward others.

This is because when we believe that burr of annoyance kick in, we’ve got a propensity to dig in and maintain our purpose. This is often to defend our view in our struggle to feel heard. This often leads to a individual believing they need another person to change so that they can feel better.

Whether an issue is large or small, arguing your point never works. Arguing has a synergistic impact on all involved. It creates even further immunity so rather than feeling heard; you feel that uncomfortable wall of immunity which keeps everybody feeling separate.


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Hacks for Feeling Better About Relationship

Transparency, trust, vulnerability, uncomfortable and scary are merely a few of the things which make love (and lifestyle ) grand! 

If you would like a better attitude and a greater degree of satisfaction pick it! 

Talk to yourself!  Stop the negative self talk like”I am not good enough,” I am too old/ obese /  busy/ etc.”Rather make it a habit to search for the good rather than the bad in yourself, in others and in every circumstance!

Ask yourself, what’s the worst thing that could happen? By imagining negative and unlikely outcomes, you understand you will be fine and can handle a great deal more than you understand. You may even crack up yourself by imagining ridiculously funny and improbable outcomes.

Recognize and celebrate your little wins! 

When coping with unpleasant tasks, start looking for the things which are beneficial and concentrate on that.

Keep talking to yourself… my favorite questions to ask myself are “why not?” ; “is this worth it?” ; and my favorite which is the question which helped me find the love I have now is,”if you do not do so, will you regret it?”

Tell people exactly what you want. People today want to give you exactly what you want, but they’re not mind readers.

You do not know anybody else’s story.

  • Another person is not perfect, and neither are you.
  • Transparency, trust, vulnerability, uncomfortable and frightening are merely a few of the things which make love (and lifestyle ) grand! 
  • Should you slip into old patterns, grab yourself with no judgement, and make better decisions. 
  • Everyone just wants to be heard and seen. 

Do you wish to boost your clarity and self-awareness? Coaching can help you become more intentional, empathetic and caring for yourself and others.  Call Galia!

To find out more and support in your Dating journey contact [email protected]

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What Screws Us Up Most in Life

There’s at least one missing child. A beautiful little thing I would love intensely. Maybe this would be the first holidays where she was old enough to be excited about a visit from Santa. Maybe she looks like her mom.

Of course, maybe she’s not a girl at all. Maybe my third-grader has a little brother instead. Three little boys, even if one of us is disguised as an almost-40-year-old.

The house is different. The plan was to move.

Thanksgiving and Christmas Day plans are different too. What was supposed to be busy and filled with family will be something else.

Maybe my imaginary daughter or son would have just been disappointed anyway.

I always had an idea in my head about what Life would look like. It never occurred to me it would be anything but that. But then Real Life happened.

We’d always talked about two kids. But after abandoning my wife in the hospital five hours after she delivered our son via emergency C-section, and then leaving the creation and management of baby logistics to her throughout most of our first year as parents, I think I sapped her desire to go through anything like that again.

I once asked her if I was the reason she chose not to have more children.

She said yes.

. . .

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.

. . .

I read that yesterday in MBTTTR commenter Drew’s excellent blog post about marital affairs.

This is a Life Thing I had picked up on when I was still young. I always said: “Expectations are everything.”

And what I mean by that is, my enjoyment or disappointment in something—or rather, my initial perception of something’s quality—was based entirely on my expectations prior to the experience.

Things like movies and books taught me this.

I can go to the theater to see two movies of approximately equal quality, say Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and Avatar; or I can listen to two new albums for the first time—say AWOLNATION’s Run and Brian Fallon’s Painkillers—and my feelings about all of them are predicated entirely on what I thought heading in.

I thought Avatar was going to be the greatest achievement in cinematic history. It didn’t achieve that for me. The Force Awakens met my expectations entirely. Both movies, in my estimation, are of equal quality, but I like Force Awakens quite a bit more, and I think that’s why.

Same with AWOL and Brian Fallon. I expected to like the AWOL album. And I did.

I didn’t have any expectations whatsoever for Brian Fallon (front man for The Gaslight Anthem). And that album kicks ass. I don’t know whether I think it’s better than AWOL’s or not. But BECAUSE it was an out-of-nowhere pleasant surprise for me, I have a major fondness for it.

Maybe everyone does this.

Maybe I’m a little extreme. Or maybe some people are much better at accurately predicting their emotional responses to things, and maybe those people have much happier and healthier relationships and lives as a result.

I only know that pretty much all of my life experiences are impacted greatly by whether Real Life meets, exceeds, or falls short of, my prior expectations.

This has implications for my human relationships I’ve yet to wrap my head around.

This Isn’t Where I Thought I’d Be

Divorce changed everything.

That’s a MAJOR reset-button push when you don’t see it coming, or are in denial about its inevitability once a certain amount of breakage and ugliness has poisoned the marriage.

Everything in the very beginning is a blur.

When everything is broken on the inside of you, the world looks skewed and it’s impossible to tell whether what you’re seeing is wrong because it’s actually wrong, or because your brain’s Reality Calibration is busted.

I had just turned 34 when Everything became Something Else.

After a lifetime of companionship and/or reliable care from loving and responsible adults, I woke up to silence and a reflection in the mirror I hardly recognized.

Everything felt unsteady and out of balance, and even now, I can’t be sure how much of that to attribute to the psychological and emotional trauma of ending a nine-year marriage and losing half of my son’s childhood, and how much was simply the radical change in environment.

Where there used to be a person making noise in the house—Being a mom. Eating dinner with me. Talking on the phone. Watching TV. Walking around.

Where there used to be life and conversation and full calendars and partnership and the pitter-pattering of little feet and the stability and reliability and comfort that comes from waking up to This Is Normal And Right… there was nothing.

A void.

. . .

I was obsessed with dating at first. Not actually doing it, per se because I wasn’t very good at it and it all felt so, just, off. Wrong.

But at age 34 the ticking clock was louder than I’d realized. And I felt like filling the new void in my life quickly should be a priority.

After all, I was clearly the kind of guy who got married and lived that kind of life. Which meant, I faced the monumental task of finding someone who fit what is probably an impossible list of criteria, that I then loved along with any children she might have, and was loved by her (as would my son be), and felt secure enough in all of that to get married again.

When you’ve never been single and divorced before, it’s easy to imagine that happening in a three- to five-year window (which I did).

But then Real Life happened.

The clock ticks.

The calendar pages flip.

The seasons change.

You mark another line higher on the wall where you measure your child’s height.

You tell him to put on a pair of pants only to discover they no longer fit.

One Christmas turns into two, and then three with a fourth fast-approaching.

And then you wake up, and it’s today.

Divorced and Single Four Holiday Seasons Later

There was a part of me during the early days of this blog that believed I’d eventually have a relationship to tell you about.

Not all the nitty-gritty. I keep too much private for that.

But at least a birds-eye view of giving Round 2 a genuine shot while armed with what I believe I’ve learned about life and love and relationships. I thought maybe that would help people. I thought maybe that would help me.

But that’s not where things are.

That’s not Real Life.

In actuality, I’m just a guy who read a crap-ton of New Zealand travel guides so I can tell you all about the country, but I’ve never actually forked over the money nor invested the time to experience it myself.

(That was a metaphor. I haven’t actually read a bunch of New Zealand travel guides.)

But I’m not even sure that’s right.

That suggests fear. And I’m not afraid.

I guess I feel more like the tired old man coaching basketball (even though I certainly don’t think of myself as a “coach,” or that I’m qualified to instruct others in any way). I know what good basketball is supposed to look like, but am not inclined to get back out on the floor to play in any games.

Maybe I feel too tired. Or too old. Or too busy.

I don’t know.

I also don’t know whether to feel good, bad or indifferent about it.

As in all things, there’s some good and some bad.

But I’m learning to have fewer expectations. Less disappointment, you know? Maybe less joy, too.

I wouldn’t know.

. . .

I’m trying to remember what my daughter’s name would have been. The one I never had.

Julianne? Julie Anne? A J-name that stopped mattering the second I held my son.

Or did it?

I think about that little girl a lot. The one who never was.

And the family that isn’t. The one I used to know. And the one I’d imagined with them. And the one I was forced to imagine for a reimagined world.

But I wish I would stop. Because in The Way Things Are vs. The Way They Should Be, I’m not sure we’re always smart enough to know the difference.

And with these little ones involved, real or imagined, how much can we afford to get disillusioned by reality falling short of what we’d expected or hoped for?

. . .

Thank God she didn’t die after birth or from miscarriage.

Or that she didn’t fall ill.

Or that she never ran away or went missing.

Or that the courts never said I couldn’t see her.

Or that her family never lost her precious life.

Or that my son never lost his little sister.

And that we never had to sob over that too.

Maybe I don’t make it to today, had that not been the case.

But there’s still a bit of tragedy in Never Was.

And I can’t help but wonder sometimes about an alternative life where I chose other options and turned to different Choose Your Own Adventure pages with entirely different outcomes.

Because that would have been cute, right? Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade? Showing her massive balloons? Reminding my eldest to be kind to his sister? Putting up the Christmas tree and watching her face as we plugged in the lights for the first time?

I’d have liked that, even if the real-life version would have gone an entirely different way.

I’d have especially liked the part where I told her about that first night in the hospital where I stayed awake all night holding her so mommy could sleep.

Many years later, we’d teach older children how things that seem innocuous in a moment can redefine everything in the future.

We’d talk about having expectations. About the bad. And the good.

About regrets. And triumphs.

About fear. And hope.

We’d all show up, and just be.

Because that’s everything, really. Showing up. Being present. And being invested.

The reason my life is as it is today is virtually 100% because I failed to show up because I was too ignorant to know I was supposed to, too irresponsible to actually do it, or too selfish to actually want to.

It’s not always Life and Death, but maybe just Life and Never Was.

But sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference.

This post was previously published on Must Be This Tall To Ride and is republished here with permission from the author.

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–Lots of folks fear relationship failure. Putting trust in somebody can make us feel vulnerable. Some people even feel that the more they care for someone, the more at risk they are for being hurt. Recently, I met with Claire, a bright twenty-eight-year-old instructor who reflected”The notion of forever terrifies me, I just can not see myself with Jake forever but I am madly in love with him.”Claire is an attractive professional that has been dating Jake for over a year and continues to wonder whether their relationship will work out. When Jake talks about their future together, Claire usually changes the subject or indicates that they talk it on another occasion.You don’t need to be a commitment-phobe to be terrified of losing someone you love. You can be walking on air and madly in love and yet dread that if you open up yourself to another individual, they’ll hurt you and you’ll miss out on love. I don’t think so and I have actually interviewed hundreds of girls who discuss your fears. It can be odd wondering if extreme love may cause dwindling fire and even possibly divorce.Even though you might now in a relationship that is satisfying, do you ask yourself: what will my connection look like in five, ten, or fifteen years? What if I get everything I’ve always wanted? Can I even know what it felt like to be happy and don’t have any reservations, doubts, or fears?Do you have fears about spending forever with somebody even if you love this person? However much you love somebody, you might have misgivings a few days and this is totally normal.However, fear of connection failure may hold you back and keep you from being your best self. It can restrict you by inducing nervousness and fostering a pessimistic attitude about the future. Many times, even in the most blissful moments, there could be a lingering thought in the back of your mind your relationship might not work out, and that it’ll all come crashing down around you.If you can relate to dreading relationship success, I ask you to consider the following: Know that no connection is conflict free, but you’re worthy of having a relationship that makes you happy. If you are not there yet, adopt where you are now.It might feel uncomfortable to have a”perfect” relationship. Needless to say, no such thing exists, but how odd would it feel to be at peace and content in a relationship? To have complete faith that my spouse has my best interests in mind? Wouldn’t it be somewhat unnerving?Since all of us grew up in a culture where divorce has been widespread, it is clear to wonder whether our romantic relationships will continue. For a lot of people, particularly brothers of divorce, pain is what we understand. Conflict is what is comfortable. Addressing an inaccessible spouse is in our wheelhouse. A spouse who desires nothing more than to be with us and make our pleasure his/her top priority is alien. 6 suggestions to help you cope effectively with doubt in relationships: Accept that love is a risk. Accepting this will relieve your sense of anxiety and enable you to reside in the moment. If they’re completely honest, the majority of them will admit they fear — or have feared losing a loved one at some time in their life. Remember that new love or devotion stirs up past hurts. When you fall in love it may trigger feelings of past harm, loss, or rejection since we are all impacted by our background. Challenge your ideas that you aren’t good enough. Loving someone may make you wonder how lovable you’re. You may ask yourself: am I good enough with this man who I adore, admire, and love so much? Deal with fears head-on. Speak to someone you trust, write in a diary, discard these feelings in a safe way. Exercise being exposed in tiny steps and speak with a therapist or close friend about your expansion . Do not allow your fear of rejection or beyond hurt keep you from attaining the love and closeness you have earned. Trust and vulnerability are crucial facets of achieving intimacy in relationships. In accordance with Dr. Brené Brown, disengagement is the most dangerous element that erodes trust in a relationship. The only way to prevent this would be to risk being exposed with your partner by asking for help, standing up for yourself, sharing unpopular opinions, and having faith in yourself and your spouse.The best risk is letting yourself fall in love — that requires letting go of control and fear of being abandoned or hurt. Opening up to your spouse can make you feel vulnerable but is the most critical ingredient in a loving, trusting, intimate relationship.Intimacy may be a significant source of comfort and supply predictability in an uncertain world. The reality is that all relationships end, through separation, death, or divorce. Why waste time being obsessed with fear of your relationship end? It’s likely to be exposed and close to others without losing parts of your self. Using this method, you will be able to restore your faith in love, trust, and intimacy. ◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? ◊♦◊If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.–

Lots of individuals fear relationship failure.

The article Crazy in Love and Dread Losing It appeared on The Great Men Project.

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6 Reasons Why We Stay In Bad Relationships

Why do we often find it tough to leave behind a connection that’s not working out anymore?

Not all relationships will emerge as you wish it to. Some relationships begin on great terms, undergo trials of highs and lows, nevertheless survive because the connection has all of the basic requirements — connectivity, trust, and respect.

But because of a variety of uncontrollable factors, both external and internal, a connection might become a toxic one.

A bad relationship is one that’s long dead, has no flicker, is full of miscommunication or sometimes a complete lack of communication, repeated conflicts, and disagreements, lack of compassion, respect, and understanding. A connection that hinges on misuse and manipulation is the worst type.

But surprisingly, people keep dragging a connection, even after knowing {} not yielding any decent results for both of the partners. Some of us will cross miles to keep encouraging an undeserving relationship.

Just how far will you go to save a connection from failing?

Bad relationships are anything but self-degrading and self-sabotaging resulting in ultimate suffering on both ends.

Even if there are a lot of available opportunities in the dating world, what is it that keeps somebody anchoring on to a bad connection?

Or is it a custom?

Let us have a deeper look at what makes you stick into a poor relationship with your entire heart and soul. To prevent being lonely.

It significantly lowers an individual’s self-confidence and distorts overall self-perception. Somebody that has been to the grasp of loneliness won’t ever like to return back there.

Some people have the belief that having a spouse and having the ability to flaunt it raises your social status and standing.

The mere physical presence of your spouse, however abusive, how inconsiderate, how indifferent your he/she’s, can sometimes make you feel comfortable. We often hesitate to give up our’habit’ of this individual.

The notion of waking up in the morning to emptiness could be unnerving to some. It isn’t because you intensely love being with your spouse. You may also ignore each other only after you wake up, but it’s simply because staying alone hasn’t been usual for such a long time.

You always keep questioning your own value, your abilities and what you’re bringing to the connection.

Low self-esteem fools us to believe we always deserve much less than what we’re getting in the relationship as the significance we place ourselves is much lower compared to our deserving price.

These folks often measure their values based on if they have a partner or not, whether the spouse accepts them or not, values them or not, or enjoys them or not.

When you have low self-esteem, you need continuous validation and acceptance from someone. And if that man is someone who you adore it makes you feel appreciated and desired.

If you’re continuing a bad connection, which has nothing to offer you, ask yourself, Are you placing a worthy worth to yourself?

As a matter of fact, when you start putting yourself on a higher base, you may come to understand there are innumerable reasons to create an exit from the relationship.

Sadly, when a man is overly emotionally determined by their spouse, most often than not they have low self-esteem(moving back to stage 2). This is why, they measure their self-worth concerning somebody else, besides themselves.

They identify themselves to be fused with another person that they often wind up ignoring their own perception, thoughts, and feelings, unless and until they are verified and accepted by somebody else.

Getting out of a connection, even if it’s harming them becomes inevitably tricky for them because each of their behaviour has to be validated, emotionally and guaranteed warranted by their spouse. These people barely survive if they remain unmarried.

4. Comfort in Familiarity and fear of doubt.

Some relationships are a mere “to battle with a known devil is better than facing an unknown devil”.

We rationalize with ourselves that we may already be receiving the best we could.

A person acquainted with comfort, predictability, and heat of regular may genuinely feel perturbed when placing from a relationship. Who knows if another relationship they pursue will place them in a more stressful situation or not. The fear of getting themselves in a worse connection compared to the present one keeps them suffering in a relationship.

5. Rejection and failure.

What if they get rejected by another person they try to maintain a relationship with?

Some people can’t fully accept the fact that their relationship is on the point of failure and they need to make an exit.

Even if they do, are they able to invest themselves emotionally and physically, in precisely the exact same degree as they’re currently doing?

These questions make it tougher for them to decide for the destiny of a messed up relationship.

6. New investment of energy and time.

What people who are unable to come from a bad relationship worry the most about is spent time and energy.

For them it a shameful occasion to maneuver from a relationship they have built for such a long time. ‘Ending a connection’ just as it’s not working out well isn’t their ideology. They believe that adhering to the conclusion, even though it degrades the emotional and mental wellbeing of both spouses is the ideal attitude to hold.

However, believe me, the more you permit the negativity to influence you, the harder it is going to be in the long run. If the connection is dead, then you should end it. And you ought to end it at the earliest.

Maybe the most you can anticipate

from a connection that goes bad is

to come out of it with a couple great

songs. — Marianne Faithfull


Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project?


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Sometimes a relationship becomes a toxic one. Why do we find it so difficult to leave?

The article 6 Reasons Why We Stay In Bad Relationships appeared on The Great Men Project.

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1 Question Struggling Couples Never Ask Themselves

Several houses, a ship, a wholesome family. But in his union, that wasn’t the case. He was with his wife for 17 years. He struggled to speak to her. And he took it to heart.

“How is it I am so powerful at work, I am so in my zone, at my best? But at home, I feel like a fumbling idiot?”

Sandra had a similar issue. Except she had been on the other side of this work-home spectrum. A stay at home mother, she loved her home life. She was raising two children she felt deeply connected to. And then there was her union.

“I believe I am invisible to him.”

Jason. His main flaw in his wife’s eyes, she told himwas that he had been nearer to their children than to her. While he appreciated how hard she worked, and how she encouraged their loved ones, he felt like he could nothing right with her.

“At work, she is a powerhouse. At home, she has nothing left in the tank. She gets irritated when I ask her out on a date. We have not had sex in two decades.”

A lengthy period of unfreedom must proceed a period of liberty.


Wow. Is not it true?

Unfreedom. Consider It. It is a powerful word. And it describes the condition many couples find themselves.

Why is it so damn common?
How can we lose one another from the day to day?
How can we lose ourselves?

I lived it for decades.
I understand it.

My mission in life is to change it. And still, the unfreedom is a gift. A gift to the emerging period of liberty. A present for the thickness of hunger it generates for liberty. The freedom to love openly, to connect openly, to see one another openly.

There is a way to get there. It is inside of a question that I asked Mike, Sandra, and Jason. It is a question struggling couples do not ask themselves. And it offers a road map to the relational freedom, connection, and love all couples hunt. And it is simply this…

How can you withhold from your spouse?

Consider it for a moment, in your present relationship, or by a prior one. Pause for a minute and ask yourself…

How do (or did) I never show up?
What do I not speak?
Where do I accept the status quo?
Where do I never ask for what I need, and instead merely complain?

This is the start. This is the beginning. From here, you’ve got the keys to the kingdom — to cultivate an energized and satisfying relationship. Now you need to ask yourself…

Do you need to measure in further?
Or simply hold the keys
What is the charge not to stepping in?

Pause. Answer these questions.

At the end of the day, when it is our turn to die, we ask ourselves…

Can I give my best to those I loved?

At death, we approach our anxieties. We’ve got nothing to lose. We visit scariest place within — itself, between me and me.

Summon that courage now as you’re alive. Own that distance between you and you. In my experience, that makes all of the difference.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

Where would you subtract from your spouse?

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Previously Released on stuartmotola.com


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7 Ways You Ruin Your Chances of Getting the Love You Really Want

After reentering the dating kingdom ten decades back, she can maintain a deep firsthand knowledge of the good, the bad, and the ugly of relationship now. She based SOMETHING IN COMMON, a theory focused on empowerment, changing habits, and above all, building relations with the appropriate individuals. Through a series of one-on-one and group training and organized personal occasions, she prepares individuals for the dating scene, and attracts the dating scene direct to you in a manner that’s safe, approachable, and finally helps individuals find their own happiness. Whether you’re interested in one-on-one training, or only want to meet people, SOMETHING IN COMMON is for you.

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Dear Lover, Please Love Me–Not Just the Good Stuff

The majority of us have experienced falling in love.

We meet. The stars align. DJ Universe plays all the correct tunes on the radio. The chemistry is sweetly perfect and we opt to pursue the dopamine rush, believing that this time it’ll be different.

Only this time, it is 1 person you must rely on in order to grab you, not several.

It is a heady rush.

We, knowingly or not, decide to trust our understanding of the new person…after all, they smell so damn good, say all of the best things, and feel so perfect!


Loving somebody for who they’re requires a good deal of effort, trust, and vulnerability. It’s a depth of emotional intimacy which demands a conscious option.

A lot of us unconsciously decide to fall in love with that we believe they can become. It is so much easier since our attention is always on the ideal future just around the corner and therefore we could willingly ignore what’s right in front of us, in other words, the true and complete character of our recently chosen partner.

We see just what we would like to see and that vision is intently focused on the tomorrows that might never come. They sparkle with such allure!

This is called falling in love with somebody’s potential. We employ creative and stubborn deafness and blindness in our attempt to prevent reality because reality can be difficult. We’ve got a dreamy notion of what we think we need and place about cramming our new love interest within that unyielding framework.

Our understanding is seldom 100 percent aligned with reality. We hold onto all of the terrific things we have learned about them and combine with all of the things we see them capable of becoming.

The facets of the being that make them faulty –and therefore human–are adroitly ignored.

When we meet Mr. or Ms. Right and they inform us that they occasionally become inaccessible, or that the longest relationship they have had has just been three months, we suddenly develop selective hearing.

We believe that we’ll be the one to change them. We’re their one, true love! We’re the medication they want to cure all their ills. If they would only listen to us they would then attain the perfection that’s always just around the corner. Together with our firehose of caring educated on them we can cleanse them of all their defects. They will finally have the support they need to satisfy their potential. All they need to do is think, right?

Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It took some time to understand the meaning of the axiom. For example: if someone tells you they’re perpetually late through action or words you do not necessarily have to kick them to the curb. It’s knowledge from which now you can make an informed option. You may decide you could cope with their lateness habit and consent to make certain compromises, or you might call it a day and continue your search for Mr. or Ms.”Always On Time.” There’s absolutely no blame, shame, or judgment on each side once the truth is on the table. It’s simply information.

Let’s consider the difference between understanding, which by its own definition is:”a means of seeing, comprehension, or interpreting something; a mental impression,” and outlook, which by its own definition is:”accurate comprehension of the relative value of things; a sense of proportion.” Knowing the difference between those two will benefit you a lot of freedom.

Still with me?

As we venture into using perspective rather than perception we can examine our new love in a bigger, more expansive way. The picture is now more in percentage and in equilibrium.

We get to find out who they are right now, at today, as opposed to who they are (which holds zero warranties by the way). We’ll see things that are unsettling, but {} holding the flashlight on them. Light up anything and it becomes less frightening because at least we know what we’re facing.

How would you feel that your lover only loves the nice, fun, sexy, pleasant side of you? It sucks when your loved one holds one to a standard so large as to be eternally out of reach. It is a recipe for failure.

We may safely assume that a lot people struggle with enjoying our own dark, shadow side–our defects. Imagine how much harder that would be when the person who loves us most can not love that side?

If we stay in restricted perception and love someone for just what we choose to see (the simple, fun, sexy, sexy stuff), then we deprive them of an opportunity to perform their sh*t out while at a secure relationship with us. We stand in silent judgment of those.

It’s only by changing to perspective and taking a massive step back to expand our perspective that we can truly find the one we adore in all their humanity–perfections and imperfections vulnerably exposed.

If we choose to open our eyes it will free us to make sound decisions based in the present. We can choose to take their problems as a part of the being; they are, in part, a problem we want to get.

There’s power in knowledge. We get to define our {} boundaries, our requirements, our negotiables and non-negotiables–all based on truth gained from a wider perspective.

We can place ourselves and our nearest and dearest free using a simple shift in thinking.

It starts with choosing to imbue your optimism with raw reality as opposed to becoming a victim of it by staying blind. After all, we all–in our center –want to be loved exactly as we are.


Previously Released on Elephant Journal


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Why Millennials Do Not Believe In Marriage Anymore

According to the Pew Research Center and many studies on union practices of millennials, around 26% of millennials get married at the age between 18 to 32, which compared to the Baby Boomers and the Silent generation is 11 to 20% less.

Around 22% of girls get married by age 30, the rest either do not get married or choose to have open marriages and open relationships. The same is true for guys; the majority just does not want to get married once they reach their 30s.

If you’re a millennial reading this, you probably will not be getting married any time soon due to financing, studies, and livelihood.

The fact that as many as just 26 percent of millennials decide to get married is an exceptional interpretation of what the new generation thinks of marriage. To millennials, marriage is an outdated, old-school and standard institution, which is far from what they think the perfect setting for love and family is.

There’s also simply no demand for millennials to conform to an obsolete tradition since the vast majority of them do not agree with the idea of government union participation.

Millennials believe marriage is just a society’s highest standard and perfect that’s forced upon them for the motives of economy, good division of labor and unified spiritual beliefs. Accordingly, approximately 67% of millennials between age 18 to 32 state a perspective where they say that society doesn’t require marriage as a social and cultural backbone, and that it’s high time to adopt new thoughts about love, romance, and loved ones.

The news story about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the youngest member of the House of Representatives, being unable to cover the rent for her apartment in D.C. sparked a national conversation.

At age 29, Alexandria is a Congresswoman as of recent, and working-class salary only is not enough to pay her basic needs, such as affordable housing. Her narrative is a spot-on depiction of the situation the vast majority of millennials have to manage. They lack what they deem to be a basic and necessary union prerequisite; a solid financial base and a place to call home.

Thus, this story begs the question; if a 29-year older Congresswoman cannot afford to pay her rent, how can the society anticipate millennials to cover a wedding, union expenses, and later on, to look after their children?

This, finally, might be among the key reasons millennials have lost faith in marriage, as the institution itself requires much more from them than they could afford or offer. It does not mean though that they stopped thinking in the So, here is the deal: 21st century is a bizarre and frightening place, but also an great time to be alive, particularly for generation Y.

We have 24/7 information access, many gadgets and higher technology, freedom to express ourselves and be whomever we would like to be, and above all, we’ve got no need whatsoever for oldfashioned and traditional values and practices, for example, marriage by way of instance, which does not mean they do not value the advantages of being in a healthy relationship.

Marriage Is Too Restrictive.

Another reason millennials are ditching traditional practices, like union, might be the fact {} overly restrictive, in its own sense. The Western world is seeing the’destruction’ of the nuclear family as well as the imposition of innovative ideas because millennials do not like constraints and turn to liberty as the inherent belief.

To millennials, traditional marriage is directly linked to Church and Christianity, or other religions, which might indicate that should they get married, they would have to adhere to a strict set of principles that would characterize their union as sacred before God. However, nearly all millennials are {} as atheists, which means, no need for wedding bells in the Church, and no vows.

The simplicity of being in a’relationship’ or simply’sharing a location’ with a partner appears to be a lot more appealing to the contemporary creation than’happily ever’

Speaking of constraints, traditional marriage does not usually correlate with sexual experimentation and promiscuity. So, millennials instead turn to try out new things and changing partners then restricting themselves into a monogamous relationship with one partner.

To them, this is just dull. Our need to be amused nowadays goes beyond music and films; we also require sexual amusement, so open and three-way relationships, and even open marriages appear to be the go-to of generation Y.

The subtitle is really self explanatory; millennials only’care’ about themselves. It may be deemed selfish, but nearly all millennials genuinely wish to concentrate on their career development, financial independence, identity, and self-exploration.

In 2018, millennials are just two things: unmarried and career-oriented. And of course that the Tinder-hype, third-way feminism, progressive liberalism and other cultural foundations of the contemporary society that the millennials associate with. Nevertheless, millennials are known as’selfish,”demanding’ and’entitled’ for one primary reason; what they would sacrifice to get a career.

According to Comet, from 364 poll participants, around 41% of millennials would finish relationships if they had been given a life-changing advertising; roughly 32% would leave a connection if it meant getting a raise and 40 percent of millennials are single because they would like to concentrate on their career.

There’s nothing wrong with millennials; they are only experiencing the consequences of clinging to contemporary times, and may be a bit lost. However, it’s important to point out that there are millennials who respect and appreciate the custom of marriage, and would like to get married.

There’s absolutely no reason to be scared with this sacred institution, but, there’s a reason to be scared for the future where millennials will live, when taking under account the unfolding of the present cultural and political affairs of the world.

The post was previously published on Wingman Magazine.


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