Q: My ex-wife is giving me a second chance and if I blow it, that’s it. We fought so much the first time around because we are so different. I, now, have changed and she says she has changed too. How can we make this work, the second time, for the sake of our family because we have two kids.
A: I really honor you for wanting to give it your best shot, to be willing to give it a second chance. Even within a marriage, even if you didn’t get a divorce and are trying to get back together again, there are some doozies people have to work through so good on you! “If I blow it, that’s it” – that kind of thinking is fear-based, not love-based. You are in a contracted state – you are walking on egg shells. You’re giving your power away, you are not open, free, expanded. Let go of this. Open up to your worth, open up to her worth, and open up to the possibility of what this is going to take.
You said you argued a lot and the cause was because you were so different. Do a little work on how each of you would like to be communicated with and find a way that work for both of you. Do some practice runs before an issue pops up. Maybe both of you like to be acknowledged in a certain way that hasn’t been consistent. Maybe both of you like to be loved, or touched, or receive expressions of love in a certain way. Maybe each of you like to have a different way of dealing with a touchy issue – maybe one likes to sit on it and one likes to talk right away. Find some middle ground, create a deal that works for both of you on how to have arguments, talk about money, talk about sex, be who you are in your life – making sure each of you are taking care of your dreams, goals, friends, etc. Then give it another shot.
Yes, the kids are totally worth it! You are up for creating peace and so that your children can thrive. If you are religious, there could be courses at your church that you could go through. I would be an insanely amazing resource, I would love to help you get to the core of what didn’t work last time, heal it, and use it as a spring-board from which to soar into a stronger marriage than ever. It is not wrong that it happened, there was just growth to be had that you weren’t able to work out. So let’s see if we can do it this time.
So sit down, the two of you can give me a call and we can see if this is a fit or not, but it would be a wonderful foundation to the rest of your life together and there is no need to waste money in another divorce.
All my love,
A version of this post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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