“What would it be like to have a genuine partner?” I ask this question of my training clients quite often. Single clients that want to define what they want in a relationship, and married customers that are redefining theirs, all appear to have similar thoughts on the surface. Digging deeper, but it’s not necessarily the case. On the one hand, it’s a popular belief that”relationships require work” and that one must grind away for decades –in treatment, in seminars, in the trenches–to make it work. Other people state that”with the ideal person, everything is simple.” Needless to say, it’s necessary to have guidelines and make lists of the qualities you need in a partner, and, in the end of the day, that shows up might have fewer, or perhaps quite a bit more of these qualities than what you have on the list. I’ve been in relationships where I thought we had to maintain a therapist’s office weekly, and many others where we had much better things to do with our time than search for things to be angry about. The matter, however, wasn’t whether we were being advised or not. It was, rather, what our circumstance of”connection” was. In a lot of those instances, it became more about defining our happiness based on”work,” versus turning towards one another and exploring together what our deepest needs and desires were.When I work with couples, it’s usually for a shorter period of time as my purpose is to get them working in their partnership. As soon as they reconnect, they start to actually hear one another and love becomes current again. From this distance, they start to make decisions that serve their partnership as a whole. There may be deeper issues that arise, but when two people are working together towards recovery, things can change very quickly.◊♦◊I genuinely believe that partnership is possible with anybody. The question then becomes, how can you pick the”right” partner? This is the trick. This is the thing that the majority of us spend our time thinking, hunting for and, trying not to screw up by selecting the”wrong” one.A customer recently asked me if I believe in creating lists of qualities which one is looking for in a partner. I do. For me, there’s more to it than composing 30-or-so items which often appear on most lists: humorous, attractive, fantastic person, successful, etc.. While I could easily fill up pages with qualities and traits, I’m more interested in how I wish to experience a connection and how we serve as spouses.One way to approach this is by looking at these traits you need and asking yourself why you need or are drawn to those things. If I ask myself why I need”smoking sexy and super smart,” for example, what I’m really desiring to encounter is a profound connection and extreme passion. While”smoking sexy and super smart” are subjective, when I connect with how I wish to feel and experience venture with”her,” I experience a feeling and feeling I can connect with and, from there, feel when she and I revolve on that level–or not.Why would I need intelligent, socially aware and emotionally present? Since the experience I need in partnership is one of trust and ease. If I know that she’ll let me know if there’s a concern, if I know that we’re committed to working through whatever comes up together and if I know that we’re on exactly the exact same page so far as social issues and the way we dissect those, we have a lot more opportunities to connect at a deeper level, since there is less stuff in the best way to work through.Getting back to the question of”work” in connection: We get to see that there are various sorts of work, it’s simply a question of where and what your commitment is. Some people need all of the boxes checked with little room for thinking outside the box. Others are prepared to overlook every little thing for the possibility of”love.” The actual answer to what work is worth doing or not, starts with looking within, becoming clear on what’s important to you and why, and then being really real with yourself about how–of IF–you want to experience venture with another.For mepersonally, partnership resembles being willing to talk through things, spending some time just breathing together, asking questions of one another and actually listening to our own answers, making decisions together, taking the time to tune-in energetically with each other and having each other’s back, realizing that both people can and will handle whatever comes up.The possibilities are really endless here, and you get to say what works for you and how you would like to express yourself in partnership. I invite you to search for yourself and ask:”What would it be like for me to have a genuine partner?”– ◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood ◊♦◊If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.–Photo credit: Shutterstock

What would it be like to have a genuine partner?

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