There, I Said It!

“There, I said it”, he texted me after he asked me what I was doing on Friday night.  Then four months after I stated “I love you” to my Clark Kent (CK). 

For the first time in my life, I said those 3 words first. My whole life, I was too scared to utter the words –  to put myself out there was so frightening – I stressed what the response may be. In some previous relationships, I said”I love you too” when I did not really feel love in any way. In those situations, I liked the individual and did not want to hurt their feelings. This time, I did not say it anticipating a reply, I said it because I knew it to be true for me. Like a gift, it made me happy to give him these three words.  

All of a sudden, I felt nervous and inexperienced. I could immediately tell he had no motions, he was not playing games, which meant I did not know what my next move ought to be. His vulnerability and transparency left me weak in the knees. Thank God, I listened to my gut and did not run away. 

This is a brand new connection, I understand… the honeymoon period. I don’t have any idea whether it’s for a reason, a season or a lifetime, but I know it’s changing me in profound ways. 

You see from day one, we’ve been honest about everything! We discuss our anxieties and worries as easily as our achievements and hopes. We share our faith in God, in humanity and in positivity. We invite another to pursue interests, remain on task, and we relate and accept each other’s tendency to procrastinate occasionally and also to hit the snooze button. We give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume the very best in each other. We endeavor to be the best version of ourselves for each other. 

The cool thing about our beginning is that I must see the psychological man from the beginning. He showed up that way and he gave me the confidence I had to show up that way also. CK listens to me, makes me laugh everyday, offers to help but not insists, gives me distance, is my biggest fan, supports me emotionally (like nobody ever has before). 

In 52, being emotionally supported is currently on top of my requirements. In case you’re curious, he did not say those three words back. Not that day or for days later. 

 

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