Q: I’m seeing this guy and he is great, but something keeps bugging me. He REALLY reminds of my ex! Despite the fact that they look and sound completely different, there’s nothing about the way he looks at me and his voice which keeps me remembering my ex. How do I get beyond this?

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A: Well, the first thing is that may have drawn your ex in a different body. If we do not get the lesson, even if we do not do the job, if we do not reap the benefits of growth that a previous relationships has supplied us and we’re just the identical person, you’re going to attract someone that’s precisely the same, in another body. Look there first. How do you get beyond this? I don’t believe you should. I think you should trust your gut, trust what is bugging you, and take a look. Maybe this is the connection where you could change it. Maybe this is the connection where you could grow in the connection, in the flame. What’s off in that instant? What’s out of alignment with your values? Something is there in the minutes that’s hoping to talk to you. This time, appear, this time do the job, this time — develop. Now, this doesn’t mean you’re going to remain with him or split up. We don’t understand that future because we can not control him but you can control you, you are able to take responsibility for you.

So start there and if you will need some help with being convinced in that, my novel — How To Be and Stay Sexy — has numerous practices about the way to maintain your body, valuing yourself, unattached to the outcome, the invitation, and also to understand exactly what you deserve. So if that is going to encourage you, I’d definitely check that out. You also know how to get in touch with me if you want some instruction — allanapratt.com.

Until next time, all of my love.

Allana

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My Ex-Wife Is Giving Me a Second Chance. But If I Blow It, That’s It

Q: My ex-wife is giving me a second chance and if I blow it, that’s it. We fought so much the first time around because we are so different. I, now, have changed and she says she has changed too. How can we make this work, the second time, for the sake of our family because we have two kids.

A: I really honor you for wanting to give it your best shot, to be willing to give it a second chance. Even within a marriage, even if you didn’t get a divorce and are trying to get back together again, there are some doozies people have to work through so good on you! “If I blow it, that’s it” – that kind of thinking is fear-based, not love-based. You are in a contracted state – you are walking on egg shells. You’re giving your power away, you are not open, free, expanded. Let go of this. Open up to your worth, open up to her worth, and open up to the possibility of what this is going to take.

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You said you argued a lot and the cause was because you were so different. Do a little work on how each of you would like to be communicated with and find a way that work for both of you. Do some practice runs before an issue pops up. Maybe both of you like to be acknowledged in a certain way that hasn’t been consistent. Maybe both of you like to be loved, or touched, or receive expressions of love in a certain way. Maybe each of you like to have a different way of dealing with a touchy issue – maybe one likes to sit on it and one likes to talk right away. Find some middle ground, create a deal that works for both of you on how to have arguments, talk about money, talk about sex, be who you are in your life – making sure each of you are taking care of your dreams, goals, friends, etc. Then give it another shot.

Yes, the kids are totally worth it! You are up for creating peace and so that your children can thrive. If you are religious, there could be courses at your church that you could go through. I would be an insanely amazing resource, I would love to help you get to the core of what didn’t work last time, heal it, and use it as a spring-board from which to soar into a stronger marriage than ever. It is not wrong that it happened, there was just growth to be had that you weren’t able to work out. So let’s see if we can do it this time.

So sit down, the two of you can give me a call and we can see if this is a fit or not, but it would be a wonderful foundation to the rest of your life together and there is no need to waste money in another divorce.

Congratulations!

All my love,

Allana

A version of this post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Have you read the original anthology that was the catalyst for The Good Men Project? Buy here: The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

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