Dividing Against Yourself Sucks

Today, a story about the best anguish — forgetting who we are.

The Client

Tim comes into my office. He’s torn up inside. He’s been married for several years. But… something’s not perfect.

He says that his wife is a sweet man, great to him, and a terrific mother to his children. And he says,”I’m miserable. And I have not the slightest clue as to why.

We talk for a little. Very quickly, it’s apparent that we are getting nowhere. He is completely stuck in his mind, swirling in his guilt with what a terrible guy he is, for being unhappy with such a fantastic family.

I wonder, should I get out the boxing gloves and pads? Change things up with this man?  Perhaps he can beat the shit out of the demon he feels inside of himself.

Rather, I have him get up and stretch his body, move around. Anything to escape his head. I have him perform several minutes of jumping jacks to change his energy.  Sometimes the mind is a tyrant that only circles itself.

After the motion, we stay standing. I see he’s more relaxed, even milder energetically. “A little workout during a training session,” he says. “Bonus.” He laughs.

I ask him to remain standing, feel his breath, through his or her body.  I direct him to take complete body breaths, from head to toe and then back down.

The Change

We sit down again and suddenly he is more alive. He’s prepared to step in with more bandwidth to research his unhappiness and his union, without so much painful self-judgment. He is opening to himself.  He is no more dividing against himself.

Maybe he states,”I want to explore other associations, other freedoms in my own life, take space and time away from my loved ones.” At the notion of it, his face glows.

I make no conclusions. At least, his energy is shifting. He has more access to parts of himself that he was formerly shutting down.

Needless to say, I don’t encourage him to go have an affair. I have often said, if you can not make one woman happy, how are you going to make numerous women contented?

I’m amazed at his change and not, since I see it often how a person gets much more access to themselves, once they eliminate their moralistic and judgmental perceptions of these. Neutralize the brutal inner critic.

Tim is no longer thinking about what a terrible guy he is for not enjoying his loved ones. He’s actually beginning to think what a fantastic guy he is for loving himself. And while an affair or big trip away probably will not be the avenue to supreme happiness, it is an avenue to get parts of himself against which he is divided.

The Debrief

Yes, all of us have crazy ideas, not all of which we will need to act on. But how can we get the energy of these thoughts and incorporate them into our own lives, rather than judging and dividing from ourselves?

I have heard it said often and I lived it for a long time — that the best suffering is dividing from one’s self.  It happens every day and if it does, we neglect the requirements of our soul.

It can occur in an office, sitting all day, feeling agitated, not understanding why, in front of a computer all day. It can occur in a relationship, feeling grumpy over nothing.

And we benefit greatly if we find a way back to ourselves in the hardest moments.  And it may be as straightforward as yeah, this sucks, I feel separated from myself, and I am OK.

Tim leaves our session, not booking a plane ticket to Honolulu or Guatemala, but conscious that he wants to give himself more time and energy and space. He can not be so hard on himself and then project his distress onto his union.

“It is me, not her. I’m the person who’s messed up,” he says. Ironically, he is glowing. And not ironic because he is back in his power to do something about it.  He’s no more dividing against himself, beating himself up for his own distress.

And for this, he’s a better man for everybody around him — his spouse, his family, and his friends.

Do you know a fighting man who needs help? There are many people out there. Are you that guy, going it alone? Get help today.

Previously Released on stuartmotola.com


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What’s Love?

Love is a strange thing.

Love has come and gone {} my life span, and I have experienced many types of it.

Looking back, I can remember my “first love” (crush!) ; a girl in college who paid me absolutely no attention whatsoever, but that did not stop me from fantasizing about what our life together is like when we were older.

Then there was my first online love; a blonde-haired woman from Florida. Her mind was sharp, and her humor was razor-edged. She had no romantic feelings for me however, I was only a friend!

Then there was the girl I traveled to Malta to fulfill. Boy, that was tacky love. This was a new type of love. She was the first woman that I had been in a relationship with that had taken me the entire nine yards. It came to pass that I found out she had another guy on the side also.

That was mad love.

Then I found real love.

I am not here to define what love should be for anyone else so I will say it was the best love that I could have for my well-being. It was a love I had never experienced before; it had been all those preceding loves in precisely the exact same package — but one additional love; I believed it was reciprocated. I felt it back.

All that I had been giving her I was getting back. It was and is remarkable.

See, I have heard a great deal about love through deep reflection through the years. 1 thing I have discovered is that we often love each other in the ways we’ve been shown in youth. The ways that our parents loved us is the manner by which we love ourselves and the people around us. I learned some excellent things about love through my parents, and a few not so wonderful.

Mum was a fighter; she hated liars and cheats. Mum would walk into the ends of the earth for people that she enjoyed and often found herself in trouble because of that exact same trait. She gave her spouse thousands of dollars to begin his own organization. The less I talk about that, the better.

I was shown great selfless love by my mom; to forget and give, to love and to cherish — but terrific Yang does not come without equal quantities of the Yin. See, mum was a remarkably unconfident young lady. She was placating to others so that they would like her as a person. She didn’t possess the self-confidence to enjoy herself on her own — and both of that awesomeness, and the not-so-awesomeness transcended on me, and I carried on the family tradition.

I’d boundless love to give — but at a cost. I did amazing favors for everybody — but emotionally chalked up in my mind as”owed in future” — love for me was conditional. Offend my morality and you would end up in the doghouse.

Needless to say, since this was all that I knew or knew I thought in my youthful naivety that was love throughout the board. This is how folks adore and love back.

When a young boy (or girl) moves into puberty they change needing to obtain approval from their mother and dad, and add a new element in; it is dreadfully important to get approval from their peers; their school mates, their friendships they build out of school — and this is part of the reason why adolescence is extremely stressful. It is no easy ride.

And through all this, we reach out to individuals with similar conditions to our own. If you examine all your friendships throughout the years, you will realize that each individual has a shared scenario that you have bonded together over. And many (if not all) connect with individuals to similar mentalities and mindsets to one another. That is why the jocks seldom hang out with the nerds in school — there is very little cross within that section.

Thus, it’s very difficult. Very tough to see beyond my conditional mindset when all I’ve understood is my love, and that’s been reinforced through my loved ones, and my friendships circles. It can be quite tough to open your mind to anything else.

Through the past ten years, I have gone on a trip. I have sat and listened to a lot of men and women. Just listened. And each and every time I believe I have the notion of love nailed down someone comes along and blows my thoughts from the water.

It’s simply not consistent enough. Life is highly diverse, and through profound personal experiences, people love in very different manners. I have seen people that love each other through contending every night, and the very next day they’re happy again — it’s all they have known. Us? My spouse and I are likely weirdos to them.

“All silent and lovey and shit, something isn’t right there.”

So, I shy away when folks tell me how love should be. They do not get to define that for me, or for anybody else for that matter. Life is varied and different and mostly mad. As I grow older, I am more and more about the celebrating rather than the telling.

Only you can tell if it is love for you. You know. You’ll know whether you’re happy, or if something is not perfect.

Build on that!


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