Our Love Journey Broken Down Into Three Acts

In training thousands over the years with their relationships, I have found a pattern in our love travel. A narrative really, with action breaks, turning points, plot twists, and a lot of the time predictable endings. Although everyone’s story differs, the overarching journey of love is pretty much the same.

In high school, our fascination is based on two things.

1. Identity.

Yes, on the surface you might think his handsome face and how his cute ass jiggles when he scrambles to throw a hail mary touchdown”super sexy.” But how much of you needing him has to do with other people needing him and if you have him, you would think you’re worth more? Can your friends think you’re cooler if the prom queen was your girlfriend instead of just spank material from the shower? And needless to say, it is not the’50s and jocks and prom queens are not the only people we’re attracted to. We also love the guy in the group, particularly if he has his own group, the cool nerd, the skater, etc. My point is these aren’t people. They’re identities. In high school, we’re like forming puddy. We’ve got no inner shape. We specify and find our worth in others since our self-esteem resembles Jello forming in the refrigerator and it’s only been like two hours. Our lack of self-esteem and sense of value is where we really pull from. Not only our hormones.

There are some who will give two sh*ts about identity and social standing and only date people for their hearts and personality. They care less about what somebody looks like and more about how they’ll be treated. But is that the truth or have they been memorizing responses in their mother’s self-help books? Perhaps they truly developed high self-esteem and a feeling of worth that can not be swayed by celebrity and a feeling of self in somebody else or do they think those children are out of the league? Basically not tangible. Which means their self-esteem is far lower so they attempt to compensate for it by making”adult” decisions.

2.

Impulsiveness. Unpredictability. Reactiveness. Controlling. Neediness. Codependency. Enmeshment. Basically whatever connection energetic we grew up in at home. We believe that is what love looks like as it is all we know. We haven’t gone through our love hero’s journey to understand any different. Healthy is foreign to us. And most likely, dull.

Finding our value in somebody else + what smells familiar is what generates the tacky (unhealthy dysfunctional love that seems f*cking amazing!)

If we think we are lacking so we find our worth and individuality in somebody else, the power goes to another individual and / or the connection. If we just chase what smells familiar, because nobody’s family is ideal and no child enters adulthood unscarred, we’re recreating trauma.

This sticky.

Warped definitions of love, a bumpy road of insanity and responding. Unhealthy conflict. Internalization. Losing yourself in somebody else. You’re now doing things you probably would not do. You’re sacrificing voice, compromising self, and puncturing self-esteem rather than growing it. And it feels amazing! Because drama, jealousy, control, and pursuing is extreme and you error intensity for love.

Again, because that is all you know and have experienced.

If we attempt to find ourselves in somebody else within our younger years, we lose ourselves in somebody else within our 20’s.

The majority of our 20’s is all about splattering paint, blindfolded, and hoping there will be a gorgeous painting once we’re done. But usually it is really abstract and needless to say, beauty is subjective, i.e. childbirth. We try to produce a direct beeline toward a secure future with a clean framework.

But that is impossible. We do not know what we need yet. And have not come out the other end of the tube so we do not possess the tools to construct that framework. Like majors in college, what we desire will change a million times. But we do not know that. We believe we are on our path.

There’s absolutely no route in our twenties. There’s simply a wide area of thorns and boobie traps. But also waterfalls and lakes, to perform backflips off of. The majority of us haven’t turned the corner become inquisitive about ourselves and why we do what we do. We’re still walking responses from our past and how we grew up. We simply wear adult clothes and go out to fancy dinners we can not afford.

Not what we think is healthy for all of us. Our choices result in a great deal of pain.

Enter. Empty sex. 1 night stands. Experimentation and things you probably would not do five years from now. Sketchy circumstances where you shouldn’t have come out alive. Zero self-care. Remaining in relationships for a long time. Or not long enough. Both are operating away from self.

Ordering in. Binge-watching. Losing friends as you lose yourself on your person. Two people. 1 bathtub. And finally, psychological claustrophobia as you obviously grow and wish to become your own person. Input jealousy and control and anger from the confusion of another person who’s not prepared and does not understand why you do not”love” him.

The height of the enthusiast / Alanon pull.

But for many, there’ll be a few more laps around that crazy trail.

Our 20’s is an automobile crash.

ACT THREE

Our 30’s & 40’s. Where Our Dragons Live.

We are done with the old. Codependency. Enmeshment. Eggshells. Faking orgasms. Telemundo fights. Non-communication. Looking after people. We’re thirsty for something new.

We’re finally interested in ourselves. Who we are. Where we would like to go. How we would like to be treated.

Our 30’s is when all of the anger and bitterness we have had buried for so long raises its ugly head.

And everybody feels it. Your partner. Your friends. Your loved ones. Your boss. Employees. Things which were important to you do not matter as much as the older you fall like the puppet master let go of the marionette strings. And new things thing. Things that hang on you and your own happiness.

Some friends fade. Some stay. It’s when folks find yoga.

If you have been in a relationship since your early 20’s, this is when that”seven-year itch” appears. Or when folks begin to”outgrow” each other. If one or both parties need distinct. When relaxation is no longer enough. It doesn’t mean it is over. Some make it through the turbulence if they are emotionally in precisely the exact same place and jump from the airplane together before it goes down. But to tell the truth, most do not.

ONE, the relationship was over years ago. They simply stayed inside because of fear. Or children. Or because they did not want to be lonely. Or because they did not want to hurt another person. Or because they do not know what they want, partly because they’ve never experienced anything else, so that they did not do anything about it. Whatever reason, the connection has expired. It is not repairable. Folks have drifted too far.

TWO, you have only been with one person for the majority of your life. You are going to be interested. There is nothing wrong with you and perhaps there is nothing wrong with the connection either. It just means you are human. It is normal to be curious and attracted to other people, particularly in case you have not experienced other men and women. And it is not just about sex. You are curious about another dynamic. You’ve had the exact same meal for a couple of years. This doesn’t mean that you should break up or cheat. It just means it is a true thing and should be explored rather than buried. Whatever we push will always return up.

Life and growth are all about new adventures. It is a circle that can never cease or growth and your development stops. Love is no exception. The great news is you can have these new adventures with the identical person. But only if the two people put effort into developing, changing, and evolving together. But most do not or just 1 person does and that is why so many who’ve been together for so long wind up drifting and finally breaking up.

Our thirties and forties are all about”growing up” which means having healthy relationships.

But we’re not utilised to healthy. The majority of us do not know what healthy resembles. I mean we have read about it but never really experienced it. So now we are in something we think is good for us but it’s also new for us. There is resistance and confusion. Could we be sexually attracted to someone who provides a safe area? Can our very best friend also meet our wildest fantasies? Can we be romantic on a completely different level, the kind we have only read about?

Here is where the road forks and we’ve got a life-changing choice to make.

Take possession of your sh*t. Process what is coming up, where it is coming from, and take responsibility of what is yours. No more blaming. That is what we call”internal work” or”doing the job.”

Shake your love and closeness Etch-a-sketch. Forget your kind or what you think you are or aren’t attracted to. Take in the adventure of your new relationship without labels or judgment and see if you’re able to find something different about them, you, the connection as you paint a new portrait of familiarity. It is not about starting over. It’s about beginning open.

This new outlook will provide you a fresh love experience and that is what is going to shift your perspective, definitions, beliefs, and keep linking you to your self, as you build something that’s different and of value. Because by now you understand intimacy isn’t found. It’s built.

ROAD TWO.

Do not look inward. Do not take possession of your own sh*t. Do not process whatever is coming up with whomever you are with. Then opt to go down the familiar again, as it’s comfortable and feels great. This is where relapse resides and false beliefs are cemented. Again.

Go down this street and enjoy slowly fades into an ideal, you once had.


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60? 70? And Beyond?

It’s a sign of the times that divorce is still at the greatest rates ever. Some perceive this as a bad thing, since the conclusion of a long-term relationship can leave someone feeling frustrated and alone. However, like every life challenge that spans each path, the end of one love may cause the start of a much fuller and more fulfilling relationship.

It all depends on how you see love

People over fifty have found that the days are over when lust at first site was utilized to ascertain the right partner. Lust alone doesn’t last. When the love bliss bubble burst, you’re left with the nature of the individual lying next to you. You may have missed this while you’re busily trying to get them. This is when you might discover you do not like that person very much.

Although some people at this age haven’t tried another system to try to find a new partner because we’ve been in a long-term relationship, we’re instinctively aware this alone does not cut it anymore.

I’m not saying that sexual attraction isn’t essential as you get older, it certainly still important to me, but our definition of love varies. This isn’t because we’ve become overly stubborn and set in our ways; it’s that we’ve become less tolerant of what we’re certain another cannot change. Very good sex alone is not sufficient to put lipstick on that pig and make it tolerable.

There is another variable, this has to do with the truth that we learn to love ourselves better as we age. We know a relationship won’t work unless two spouses can enthusiastically and respectfully support each other in their own development without limitation. This is a significant change from where many people began when we discovered our first romantic partners.

The make-up of a venture has shifted

It isn’t only our definition of love which has changed, the formulation for intimate unions has also changed. A huge proportion of people over fifty do not find the need to get married as part of a committed relationship. By way of example, many couples do not find a need to reside together in the exact same home, town, state or even country. There’s absolutely no formula, both people involved will need to find out the best way for them, and that’s fine.

Bottom line is this, if you’re still searching for that sexy woman/man to satisfy your sexual dreams and fill your life with love for perpetuity, then I believe the answer is no, you won’t find true love after fifty. If you’re still relying on sex appeal as your principal feature, then you’re most likely not going to draw the sort of partner that may result in a fulfilling relationship.

But if you are able to be open-minded, optimistic, flexible and accept new dimensions of love that go beyond the physical, you might discover a love that goes beyond sex and love and can help you form a union with another’s body, soul and mind. If that is you, then the solution is yes. There’ll be a few trials, and you’ll need to be patient, however you’ll find the best love of your life with a spouse who completely cherishes you and you them.

Remember, paying gratitude for life ahead will fill joy with joy and calmness.

Formerly published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.

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4 Roadblocks Which Can Be Keeping You From Love

Women ask Gregg all of the time, “Why Can’t I Find Love?” Most of us want to love and be loved. It is amazing to feel a true, lasting relationship with another person — to be fortunate enough to discover that someone who makes our hearts race, somebody we could actually settle down for the long haul.

However, the path to love could be bumpy, with some serious twists and turns. If we are not careful, we could get rid of control or worse, hit a roadblock that completely stops a connection in its tracks. Best advice? Avoid these 4 roadblocks that are keeping you out of love.

#1 Beware of the Superficial

It’s easy to get lost in a shallow checklist of qualities you seek in a partner. But bear in mind, you aren’t purchasing a car! A sexy body and shiny good looks only take you so far. If you can not find love, then quit stressing about things that don’t really matter. Up to now, you’ve only dated blonds (since you’ve got thing for Brad Pitt), or men taller than you in heels. Just how far has that gotten you?

Physical attraction is important, but did you ever notice how a man gets more (or less) attractive the longer you get to know him? That hunky man who treats you badly can quickly fall to a zero, while the sweet guy who makes you laugh may unexpectedly rev your motor.

Do not get stuck on a checklist. Rather, open yourself up to new possibilities and see where it takes you. Have you dated an older guy? Tried dating a younger man? How about a man that loves motorcycles? The happiest relationships share basic values, compatible interests, and travel deeper than what is on the surface.

#2 Do Not Let Anxiety Hold You Back

Dating is full of doubt, and it can be intimidating. Instinctively, you might feel a little bit of anxiety about the entire thing, and begin to prevent dating altogether. Or if you’re putting yourself out there, you might opt to floor it in reverse once things get going.

Rather than stressing and focusing on the negative, envision the best-case scenario. Picture the two of you reaching that destination together. Let yourself feel happy. Do not let worry halt your odds of finding love.

#3 Ditch The Baggage and Travel Light

In To Date A ManYou Must Know A Man, dating trainer Gregg Michaelsen teaches us about luggage handling. And as usual, it is is a terrific bit of connection and dating information ! The message is simple, and as plain to see as a flashing road sign. Do not let your bags slow you down.

Bear in mind, guys have bags too, and they find it refreshing when we’re fair and unload it right from the beginning. Provided that you keep it positive and light, you must have nothing but green lights ahead. He will, then, feel comfortable enough to let you in on his luggage also. Get it out there and leave it all behind. That’s the ideal way to start your trip together — traveling light!

A lot people get scared when we get too near. That old luggage resurfaces again, and we start making comparisons. We do not want to get hurt again. We become uncertain, or we become afraid to make a commitment. We put up walls and distance ourselves out of love, which makes it almost impossible to move forward.

Don’t get stuck on your head. You may think that you are protecting yourself from a significant disaster, but in fact, you’re merely preventing yourself from reaching the location where you really need to be. If you are not open to love, then you’ll never get there. Stay on track, move past the fear, and make a decision to keep your heart open.

There’s a good deal of dating tips for girls out there. Because love may be a tricky road full of obstacles. But the simple fact is, we might just be responsible for a number of those roadblocks. Like a fantastic Driver’s Ed refresher course, sometimes we need a little reminder to prevent the things which get in the way of our happiness.

Click HERE and Learn to Enjoy Being Single!

The finish line is in sight — so avoid those roadblocks, and enjoy the ride!

This post was previously printed Who Holds The Cards Now?

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Beware the shallow.

The article 4 Roadblocks That Are Keeping You From Love appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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Is Having a Love Partner Necessary to Survive Successful and Meaningful Life?

There was a time when dispersing our species was the maximum priority. To accomplish this, one needed a partner to make families, which made with a love partner quite important. That might not be the case now, for we can all see we’ve bred people to beat the band. Even though some would argue that, I think our human species now must embrace a new priority; this of self-actualization. This was coming since educated people started opening our minds to life’s spiritual kingdom and changed the world as far as science and engineering.

Self-actualization is the process where we find the gifts and abilities our founder gave every one of us and then we attempt to share them to create a better world. Many are lucky enough to come across this connection in professions that fill them with enthusiasm, joy, and satisfaction. Other people share their gifts with the world in various ways. An individual need not have a romantic partner so as to self-actualize, this is a travel a person can fulfill.

But today our culture spends so much energy on the topic of finding love and making connections work that you would think it’s the most crucial part in our lives. Before you dismiss this last point, think of all of the other businesses centered on making you look great so that you can attract a partner. These vary from dieting, personal training, makeup, and cosmetic surgery. Let’s not neglect the geometric growth of internet dating for many ages.

I’ve been only going on five years now and I can sense my friends’ sense of urgency to find me a romantic partner. They genuinely feel that I must be miserable not having someone to talk about my life with.

Are couples right? 

Following two twenty-year unions, I also agree {} wonderful having a romantic individual to share one’s life setting a sense of family and working together with another on shared targets. But I also have discovered {} a helluva lot better to live alone than to be with a poor partner.

This says to me about couple-ness is that; two individuals were never supposed to become a single entity. Anything that binds that effort can’t be good for anybody.

So, my response to the posed question is so; no, with a romantic doesn’t guarantee happiness.

It requires work to live happy Whether you’re single  

This isn’t a dissertation against couple-ness, on the contrary, with a excellent partner can be a fantastic blessing. However, you need not count on somebody else for your own happiness. This isn’t essential.

The main thing is to self-actualize by living a conscious life at which you can be open to the current and experience gratitude for what it brings you daily.

If your preference is to share life with somebody, great for you, but this will take conscious work to be sure the connection is life-giving to both spouses. This takes courage, patience and a willingness to understand and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses. This goes far beyond romantic love.

Having a partner isn’t a need, but it’s a living, breathing daily choice both must make to create a relationship work. If it’s not life-giving to both spouses, it becomes a useless appendage best eliminated.

Having great companions in life

You do not want a romantic partner to enjoy companionship. Some others enjoy great relationships with others in the middle of beautifully fulfilling careers. They have incredibly satisfying lives.

If you’re considering staying married or marrying someone because you fear you may need them to accompany you during your last days, do not do it. This is a major mistake. The main point is, enjoy life as it comes and, if the time arrives when you want someone to look after you, seek the services of a caretaker.

If you’re convinced a romantic partner can allow you to do that, got for it, but do not settle for just anybody, search for the perfect one. If you can’t appear to find him, have faith you are able to keep on living a wonderful, meaningful life without them. Not having a romantic partner isn’t a failure, you have all you need within to create the life you desire.

Bear in mind, paying gratitude for your life ahead will lead to contentment.

Formerly published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.

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