One of the joys — and I use the word loosely — of my job is discovering the many, many ways that people attempt to turn love, sexual attraction and the absence thereof into something that it is not. The best example, obviously, is The Friend Zone: the ghost prison that girls exile good, healthy men into since FUCK YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY. Of course there is that pesky problem the Friend Zone does not actually exist. It is not a case of a means of keeping guys on the hook for nefarious purposes. It’s only 1 person who doesn’t need to fuck another, and yet another person — almost always a man — who can not get over it.
Through time, I have observed many erstwhile sexual philosophers try to specify The Friend Zone in several ways, by a scam into a social ill that had to be fixed by the authorities. But in my time I’ve never really seen someone attempt to make the case the Friend Zone is really an issue of national security. But hey, that is exactly what Hans Fiene did over in The Federalist.
“What I am proposing is… we kill The Friend Zone.”
ACTUAL QUOTE TIME:
The most recent numbers on American birth rates have been in, and they yield just one reasonable conclusion: We all want to start having more babies or else the forthcoming demographic tsunami will eat our country, cripple our social programs, and leave us with a future so bleak that our sole source of joy is going to be the moment we are chosen to get the sweet, deadly kiss of the Obamacare Death Panels, the Trumpcare Firing Squads, or the OprahCare Hemlock Squadrons.
Perhaps I am overstating the danger that a little (Doctor’s Note: OH YA THINK?) , but the point remains: Americans have to elevate our sagging birth prices. Among the best ways we can do this is by reversing the tendency of Americans waiting longer to get married. So, aside from tearing down America’s institutions of higher education, which are inclined to slow down the recitation of marriage vows, how can we do that? It’s quite straightforward. We tear down the Friend Zone.
No, you aren’t misreading this. Fiene is starting things off by equating The Friend Zone as being a vital contributor to the decrease in birth rates.
It’s parked perpendicularly to reality.
Now, Fiene is asserting that this is 60 percent satire and just 40% serious. However, you know what?
Let us do so, shall we?
“Gentlemen, It Is Time For Some Game Theory.”
Fiene begins with a rather common — and honestly tired — theme: guys aren’t and in fact can’t be friends with girls. His position — with the rigor of a YouTube”social experimentation” (he actually cites) — is straightforward: any guy who spends one-on-one time using a single woman is in fact angling to get a date. No. For real.
ACTUAL QUOTE TIME:
Likewise, I am also claiming that a man can not truly be your buddy if he secretly wants to date you. Virtually every man who matches the one time qualification does, actually, want to date you. To understand why, it helps to look at things from an economic standpoint.
Why is it important to check at this from an economic standpoint? Because — based on Feine:
The average man lives in a competitive friendship marketplace where some kinds of friendship appeal to him more than others and so get his business.
Evidently it’s a really competitive marketplace, seeing as guys really have few close male friends whatsoever and lose almost all of them as they become older. But that lack of closeness is a fantastic thing because what guys need is not closeness or emotional intimacy, it is explosions, nasty farts and soccer games1. In reality, coming from your psychological shell is a terrible thing that women insist on; male friends are a blessing since they are happy to let you stew in silence.
“Remember: no actual names. No eye contact at ANY TIME. Do not make it odd bro.”
Needless to say, if you are a girl who happens to also delight in blowing things up, kung-fu films and gross-out comedy… well in Fiene’s world, you’re a poor second. You’re — by virtue of having an X chromosome — incapable of enjoying these to the level that men need.
(It is somewhat telling that Fiene never addresses, state, trans guys; are they capable of enjoying farts and explosions into a suitably manly level? How about non-binaries? And what about gay and bi guys? Lesbians?
No really, states Fiene. Stop. You are getting your girl-cooties all over it. You are making him uneasy with your whole”emotional intimacy” and”speaking” and”not using insults as terms of affection”. Girls, in this economic model, are worth less than men. Men are simply a much better investment at each level than women.
In actuality, ladies, there’s only 1 thing you could give him that he can not get from friends.
“It’s cool if we just crank it right?”
“Long as you are angry about it. And call me a fag as you do it.”
Continuing his trend of attempting to describe human interactions in the most dehumanized way possible, men trade their time for products. And since women can’t — ever — give guys the suitably unemotional physical existence that they need, why on God’s good green Earth would guys ever spend time together? Because there’s just 1 thing they’re good for. But I’ll allow Fiene clarify, complete with the second-worst metaphor for sex2 on the Whole site:
It is not because he needs your friendship. It is because he wants to convince you to start up the supply chain of a romantic relationship to him, and he foolishly thinks he can do this by being a loyal friendship client.
“Hey baby, want me to grab the means of production?”
Now to make sure: Fiene isn’t a misogynist, all signs in his column aside. Why they are so gentle and sweet and enchanting, even when he is describing”not fucking someone” in terms of a customer service complaint. But the issue is that, well…
However, because God made these virtues to lure men into marriage, the average man won’t ever be content to get those gifts in a sort of companionship that does not lead to marriage.
I just want this to sink in for a minute. Allow the”logic” of the wash over you and bathe you in its own sublime idiocy. Girls are designed by God to be sweet and nurturing to be able to trick men into marriage. A woman’s character is just the pheromone to lure men to the Venus Flytrap that waits to swallow him. Men may literally not be”just friends”. A girl who befriends a man without putting out is — by definition — a cocktease who’s defying the will of God. And that is bad because there’s literally nothing that a person can do about this. He’s doomed if he spends time with her since he literally can’t find a woman in anything aside from terms of”must put my dick in her”.
No, I am not exaggerating. Fiene really says this.
Telling him he is like a brother to you won’t stop his mind from crying”Marry that girl and impregnate her now” when he experiences your femininity.
I’ll give Fiene charge; by framing his argument of”people can not be friends because guys can not be friends with girls”, he creates a excellent example of the idea of”Begging The Question“.
So. Let us examine the logic on display here. Male relationships are inherently untrue. Men barter time for friendship with other guys. Men can’t be friends with girls because they will need to fuck her. Therefore, by not communicating or fucking them, women are cheating guys by not giving them the products that guys are paying for.
OK, still with me? Cool. Now hang on because it really gets worse.
In Fiene’s world, a girl not setting out for her male friends is bad enough. But there is a worse crime being committed: since he is stuck in this quagmire, he is not fucking different folks. And to make sure: that is not his fault. He is just too dumb to overrule his boner.
No. For real. That is Fiene’s argument.
Repeat the”We are just friends” mantra a thousand times. It will not rewire the circuits of the male mind. All it will accomplish is deluding you into believing he’s content to keep in the Friend Zone quicksand and deluding him into believing he can break out of it by sinking even deeper.
Fiene. Bro. Amigo. This is not The Friend Zone, this is Oneitis. If you are going to attempt and swerve in my lane, then at least get your terms right.
But let’s return to the assumption. Men are trapped at the Friend Zone because being told that they are just friends is not enough to make them realize that she won’t ever sleep with him. Being friends is the snare that girls, bless their hearts, can not help but ensnare men into since Lord love’em these boners are only SO POWERFUL. It’s only because girls do not frame the rejection in only the perfect way — as is incumbent on them to free men from their snares.
Again, I am not exaggerating. This is literally his debate.
Consider your best guy friend. Are you attracted to him? Can he fill you with all the biological urge to repopulate the earth? If not, then do your”buddy” a strong and let him go. Call him up and tell him”It is not my fault your facial symmetry grosses out my ovaries, but it was my fault that I received your hopes up by putting you in the Friend Zone. As restitution, please take the telephone numbers of five women I know who find you attractive. Quit wasting your time and go hang out with a woman who might one day bear your children.”
An individual can’t help but envision Fiene at his regional Applebee’s on karaoke night, his tie askew and shirt dishevelled and stained with spilled mojitos, mournfully crooning Kim Wilde tunes while he makes uncomfortable prolonged eye-contact with girls in the audience.
In fairness, Fiene is not completely wrong here: men are normally those that Friend Zone themselves on the routine. But the matter isn’t that girls are”trapping” guys using their sacred femininity, it is because men confuse of friendship for intimate sex. And little wonder, seeing as the civilization that Fiene observes is one that motivates men to feel vulnerable to fucking every girl he meets and intragender friendship as something inherently inferior to gender and shallower relationships between men.
It’s not that girls don’t ever look at fucking their male friends. It’s that girls do not consider friendship a consolation prize.
It is not that surprising really, considering that Fiene sees girls he can not fuck as being unworthy.
What’s the Point Of You?
If she is not giving it to him, then she’s quite literally pointless.
Don’t worry he was really just in this for the friendship. Truth be told, you’re not particularly good at supplying him in the first location. However, you’ll be quite good at supplying him what God made you to give himmarital bliss.
Girls are there strictly for being impregnated by men that are incapable of any kind of self-control once their manhood is activated. If she is not cranking out babies (preferably white ones), she’s no purpose in this world. This is not terribly shocking, in all honesty. It is part and parcel of this school of conservatism that is presently on the ascent.
The reason that this premise that women are baby-making machines, period, is so insidious is that it is framed as a moral matter. Vice President Pence’s famous”will not be alone with a girl” is styled as”won’t let himself be tempted into sin” — and more on that in another — but the underlying message is”that there is no reason to be alone with a girl that does not involve sex.” More than ever, success — whether in politics or business — is determined by networking. Folks get their start in their careers not by having the best resume but by knowing the proper people. Frequently, that media happens over dinner, beverages, even just one-on-one conversations with friends.
But when girls are”not able” to be friends — when girls are viewed as nothing but honeytraps — then they’re systematically excluded from any sort of advancement. They’re turned from individuals into baby-making machines that are there strictly to snare dick. The fact that girls are just there suggests that guys instantly default to cavemen that are only there to put their dicks in where they can. It is important, in the era of their Pussy-Grabber-In-Chief that so many Republican politicians vote against addition or gay and trans rights since they would just exploit those principles to attack women.
“I am not saying trans individuals are liars, I am saying that I would commit numerous crimes to find boobs if I would not get punished for them.”
This, more than anything else, is why so many men and women find Fiene’s”Men and Women Can Never Be Friends” to be such offensive bullshit: due to precisely how dehumanizing it is.
Being caught in the Friend Zone is an inarguable drag on fertility rates, as a guy who spends a long time pledging his heart to a woman who will never have his kids is also a guy who probably won’t procreate with anyone else during that time of incarceration. Free him to find a girl who wants to marry him, however, and he will have several more years to sire children who will laugh, make, sing, fill the world with love and, most of all, pay into Social Security.
What’s So Funny (About The Systemic Devaluation Of Girls )
“But Doc,” I hear you shout,”He says it is mostly satire! Does not that mean we should not take it seriously?”
Just as importantly though is that this is not satire. Frequently, people attempt to use”It’s just satire” as a get-out-of-criticism-free card. If it’s satire, it can not possibly be true, right?
But satire is not”dumb jokes”; satire is criticism of the subject being satirized. When The Onion writes a column about an eight-billion buck Abortionplex theme park, they’re critiquing right-wing rhetoric about Planned Parenthood by alerting it to the point of being absurd. Saturday Night Live is not making fun of Trump just to be mean, they are criticizing a person who’s grossly incompetent and at the position of becoming the most powerful man on the planet.
So what, exactly, is Fiene criticizing here? It certainly is not relationships between women and men.
Is it the notion of this”demographic apocalypse” that is coming?
Could it be the Federalist’s general obsession about folks not fucking being a literal dilemma of national security?
Got to give them credit for being on-brand at the least.
There is a shitty attempt at jokes peppered through the text, but there is no sign in here that this is anything that Fiene does not actually believe to be true. Satire only works when it is comment or review, exaggerating to push home the absurdity of this subject. A Modest Proposal does not function when the British Parliament is really considering cannibalism as part of a famine relief package.
As yelling”RAPE!” Randomly, advocating for a snowy ethno-state or paying two people to hold up signs saying”Death To All Jews” does not have a pass because”it is just jokes”, calling this”satire” does not excuse the true belief that forms the thesis of Fiene’s piece: that girls who he is not impregnating are worth less than men. That guys are barely-restrained beasts in the mercy of their dicks, which not giving them sex is a crime against God.
All this argument amounts to is an attempt to pass off the reduction of women to their reproductive capacities and further the notion that men are entitled to them. Insisting that women and men can not be friends is a mortal insult to men and women alike by somebody who doesn’t appear to know women or friends.
This post was formerly published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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