Why They Really Ghosted You


Shazam.

They disappeared.

Or perhaps you had good sex…

And reach out, but no response.

You are left hurt, confused, and left with the question”What did I do?! / What is wrong with me?”

So why does this occur?

Well first, a person’s lack of ability to get confrontations and speak their truth doesn’t have anything to do with you personally.
1- They see the see your worth and don’t feel {} enough to maintain a relationship with you, so that they just simply leave
two – They see that you need commitment and that is something they might not be prepared for in this phase in their lifetime
3- They watched you in a glance and as they got to know you better, they just realized it was not a match.

So rather than facing you and saying”Hey, I do not think this will work out”… they just LEAVE!

Now, it is good intended because they do not want to hurt you, but in leaving… they really DO hurt you.

So what now are you left to do?

1- Do not take it personally. Now, if this does keep happening, it is a pattern and patterns show us things to work on. But if it only happens once, do not get so hung up on it.
Sometimes among the biggest reasons I have seen people ghost is by a kind of neediness… from you! I know for mepersonally, people would ghost since I’d cling on and project into the future since I REALLLLYYYY needed it to function, and in doing this, they did not feel liberated… they could feel the controller, so they left. The needier you’re the less attractive you are, so dropping the neediness and supporting yourself and getting the one instead of searching for the one like its a search… will help out tremendously.

Two – Speak your truth. Now, of course this person ghosted you so that they do not need to talk… so a text message is the best course of action. The text should not come from your harm where you want to attack them so that they can”alter”… It should come from the heart, sending them to appreciate”even though”… and should be written something like this:
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know I had an wonderful time with you. It seems as if you are going through some things and you are not open to speaking and that is leaving me feeling (hurt confused), and I just wanted you to be mindful of me and my feelings. You don’t need to respond to this, and I truly care about you. Wish you the best.”

That’s Very Different than:
“Why won’t you answer to me?!” or anything of the like.

It is coming from your higher self that is just letting other men and women become aware of what they’re making other people feel when they ghost. Because that is the beauty of ghosting for them, they DON’T see how it affects you.

Maybe from that, they will respond back and develop. Perhaps they never do and keep repeating the same patterns. But in the end of the day, that is their path and none.

So often we’re focused on trying to fix and find out others on what they need and what they require. That stuff is important, but we will need to spend more time figuring yourself out and curing yourself so that we can become more. And we do not need it. So we can then develop into the one and magnetize us, rather than hoping to”find” the one.

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5 Things to do If You Have Just Been Ghosted

If you have recently been ghosted you’re left feeling confused, abandoned, and overcome self-doubt. Ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with somebody unexpectedly and without explanation, finally withdrawing from all communication.

Ghosting has been in existence since the start of time, however with today’s technology it is more overt and we notice it more quickly. With smartphones, instant messaging, social networking, texting, and dating sites, we know when someone has received our message or voicemail but has chosen not to respond.  Among the worst feelings is when you see in your text messaging the individual read your text ago and chose not to respond, which leaves you wondering why. The”why” is the thing that keeps us guessing, searching for answers, it is what keeps us up at night.

More often than not, after we are ghosted we do all the wrong things. We reach out to the individual numerous times, getting no response and feeling worse. We have a tendency to turn our despair inward and try to find error in ourselves and we resist meeting new people in fear that they’ll ghost us as well.

In a bid to assist anyone who has experienced or will experience ghosting, I’ve compiled 5 instrumental steps you may wish to take so as to feel better about the situation and get back in your psychological feet again.

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Ask Erin: My Fiancé Ghosted Me

When someone ghosts someone, it is generally because they’re too cowardly to have an uncomfortable conversation.

Q.

Hello Erin,

My fiancé ghosted me.

We have known each other for 40 years. We spoke and texted daily. 

He wrecked both of his cars. His mother fell and broke her hip. The previous text I got was how much he loves me. 

I see he’s on Facebook. Our status remains”engaged.” We’ve got several hundred friends in common. It has been four days. 

A.

Ouch. Being ghosted when you are in a genuine connection is even worse. I’m sorry he’s pulling this juvenile behavior.

When someone ghosts someone, it is generally because they’re too cowardly to have an uncomfortable conversation.

And it does seem like he is avoiding you. Attempting to decipher why is futile.

You said he shattered both of his cars. Reckless driving? The way you phrased it indicates he’s been displaying some from control or destructive behaviour on his part. You also said that his mother fell and broke her hip. I’m presuming you mentioned all this to signify he may be under plenty of stress.

Guess what?

It requires a whole 30 minutes to send someone a text. If he is struggling, if he is stressed, and he’s at a place where he needs some distance, he could tell you in a text that’s simple as:”I am really struggling with everything on my plate. I want a little space. This has nothing to do with you. I adore you, and we’ll talk.”

Might you be annoyed or worried? Maybe. But that’s a great deal better than drifting in the great unknown.

I don’t believe you will need to be in touch with your spouse 24/7, but you’re meant to marry this guy, and he ought to be able and willing to keep you in the loop.

You would like a spouse who has sufficient maturity to communicate with you.

And he can not be too young because you’ve known each other for 40 years! This avoidance behavior is a very big red flag. Do not kid yourself. He’s a grown man behaving like an adolescent.

This is what I think. Don’t marry him. Not without some excuse and time to rebuild that confidence. Let us say he contacts you daily five and everything goes back to normal. That doesn’t erase the four times of a black hole in the communication section.

As opposed to waiting for him to decide when he is going to restart communication, why not think of what you would like.

Would you like a partner who shows so little respect he strikes you for whatever reason for days a moment? Would you want your sister or daughter or best friend to marry somebody like this?

No. You don’t. You wouldn’t.

If he comes back and you wish to proceed, I strongly recommend you delay the nuptials and find some premarital counseling. With the support of a therapist, it is possible to clearly communicate with each other what your expectations are for this union, what you will and will not put up with.

Good luck and do not forget to keep the focus on what you want and need instead of letting him control the circumstance.

This narrative  by Erin Khar initially appeared on Ravishly, a feminist news+culture site. Follow us on Twitter & Facebook and check out these related stories:

Ask Erin: Why Is My Boyfriend Preventing Me?

Ask Erin: I am Being Ghosted — How Can I Get Closure?

On Ghosting: Oh, The Lengths We Will Go To Prevent Confrontation

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Why You’re Ghosted and Things To Do

It can leave you with unanswered questions which make it tough to proceed. Although ghosting also happens in friendships, it is usually related to dating. More devastating, but less common, is when a spouse disappears after years of marriage. It is like a sudden death of the individual and the marriage. But the unexplained, unexpected end to a short romantic relationship may feel like betrayal and shatter your confidence in yourself, in love, and in other men and women.

It is a shock to the heart when you care about somebody who suddenly cuts off you without any explanation.

If you insist on understanding and receive a response like,”I just don’t feel it anymore,” it is not satisfying. You still need to know”WHY?” We’re information-seeking animals. Our mind is wired into wonder and search for answers. Once we pose a query, it looks for answers. We attempt to reconnectwhy babies shout when they want their mother. Rejection can cause obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, like stalking your ex’s social media, which fuels more pain and more queries.

Ghosted in a Romance

It is devastating to be ghosted throughout the romantic phase, but that is usually when it happens. Your hopes for the future might be unexpectedly and inexplicably dashed. If this ends the connection, at least you have an understanding of why it did not work and possibly agree.

This takes two people compatible and dedicated to making the relationship work. They have to also have sufficient self-esteem and freedom to provide without feeling dizzy or dizzy and get without feeling unworthy or smothered.

In dating, frequently there is less responsibility, depending upon various factors: How you met (a chat room or hookup program ), the person’s maturity and values, length of the connection, and frequency of face-to-face contact. Technology promotes less emotional involvement. If instead, you met through mutual friends, there is more incentive to be on good behaviour or other friends will hear about.

Ghosting might begin with an unanswered text or telephone, or long silences between answers, until there are not any. Here are eight reasons why Someone might ghost Rather than communicate:

  1. They are chicken: Folks who do not handle conflict well fear confrontation. They expect criticism and drama and would like to prevent a breakup conversation. They may rationalize to themselves that they are sparing your feelings by not recognizing that they no longer need to in continue the connection. But leaving without a word, let alone closure, is much more cruel and painful.
  2. They are avoidant: Ghosts are more likely to have intimacy problems, which explain why they leave a connection that is getting close. They are emotionally inaccessible  and might have an avoidant attachment style.
  3. They are ashamed: People who have low self-esteem wish to avoid criticism and the pity they expect if you get to know them –one reason for avoiding intimacy. They also expect to feel pity for hurting you. Their lack of bounds makes them feel responsible for your feelings, even though inverse is true. They are responsible for how they communicate, but not to your response. If they would like to end a connection, you’re eligible for an honest explanation. Thus, in attempting to prevent false responsibility, they err by not accepting responsibility for their {} , causing you the unnecessary pain that they were hoping to avoid.
  4. They are busy: When you are not exclusive and admit that dating somebody else is fine, your spouse may assume that the relationship is casual. While dating others, you or your messages may have been overlooked or forgotten. Your date might have already moved on or simply not made time to react. When later realizing this, he or she’s too embarrassed to answer and rationalizes your”thing” was not serious in the first location.
  5. They are  game-players: To a daters, especially narcissists, relationships are only a way to satisfy their own egos and sexual demands. They are not interested in a commitment or concerned with your feelings, even although they may feign that if they are seducing you. They are gamers , and to them, relationships are a match. They are not emotionally involved and can act callously once they are no longer interested, particularly in the event that you express expectations or needs.
  6. They are depressed or overwhelmed: Many people are able to hide depression for some time. The ghost may be too sad to continue and not wish to reveal what is really happening in their life. There can be other life events that you do not know about that take precedence, like a job loss or family or personal illness or emergency.
  7. They are seeking safety: If you have raged before or are violent or abusive, you might be ghosted in self-protection.
  8. They are setting a border : If you have annoyed and smothered your buddy with regular texts or texts, especially if they have asked you not to, then their silence is sending a message, since you have ignored their boundaries. You probably have an anxious attachment style and are drawn to people with avoidant styles. “

Things to Do if You Have Been Ghosted

If you have been ghosted, the most important thing to understand is that in the huge majority of instances, ghosting behaviour reflects on another person not you. It is time to let go.

The other individual has decided to proceed for whatever reason. Accepting that’s more important than understanding why. The ghost can also be demonstrating he or she does not respect your feelings and lacks essential communication and conflict resolution abilities which make relationships work. Your feelings aside, think about whether you actually  want a connection with them.

Understand that you can’t work out the ghost’s motives in mind. Let go of obsessive thoughts, and permit yourself to feel both anger and despair, without falling into pity. Open your heart to yourself with additional doses of self-loveeverything you wanted from another person.

AVOID SELF-BLAME

Deal with ghosting in a wholesome way. Rejection can be painful, but you do not need to pile on unnecessary distress. Do not blame yourself or let someone else’s bad behavior to reduce your self-esteem. Even if the ghost considers you were not what he or she was searching for, that does not mean that you’re undesirable to somebody else. You can’t make anyone love you. You just might not have been a fantastic match. He or she’s not your final hope to get a partner!

If you are tempted to write or telephone, think of how the conversation goes, how you will feel, and if you’d even get a truthful answer from the individual. Quite often, the individual ending a connection will not be honest about the reasons or might not even have the ability to articulate them, since they’re only going with their gut feelings. Men have a tendency to do so more than women, who examine and ruminate more. Additionally, the odds are you will be rejected another time. Would that hurt? To cure faster specialists advise no touch after a separation, including all social websites. Read more hints  about the best way best to recover.

If you find it difficult to give up your ghost and pursue a dialog, resist any temptation to lure them back. Instead, communicate that their behaviour was unacceptable and hurtful. To put it differently, be solved that you are now rejecting them. Then, proceed. Beware that if you are still vulnerable and hurting, contact may prolong your despair. If you do not feel powerful, such a dialogue may not help you let go, Also, bear in mind that anger is not always strength. It might be a temporary period of despair, followed by more overlooking the individual.

DON’T ISOLATE

Get back into life, and organize activities with friends. You may require a break from dating for some time, but socialize and do other things which you enjoy. Don’t let yourself fall into melancholy , which is different from mourning.

© 2019 Darlene Lancer

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