Have you been divorced or recovering from a heartbreak and working to reconstruct your self-esteem? When you are working to get your confidence and construct boundaries, there’s one”hiding in plain sight” barrier that will prevent you from reaching your targets.
And that is surrounding yourself with toxic folks.
- The pushy one with unsolicited advice that makes you doubt your choices
- The rude one throwing shade with snide remarks and back-handed compliments
- The person who blames you and makes himself the sufferer when you call them out on their BS.
Sound like anybody you know?
Is it a sister or brother? That”friend” who says they are”only trying to assist you?”
Literally every individual deals with these people on the daily. They have known you for quite a long time, and understand your sore spots, causes, and vulnerabilities. They have had decades to perfect them.
That is why one of the remarks can leave you devastated for days.
The key about toxic people in your life…
100 percent of the criticism has nothing to do with you. They’re projecting their own insecurities on you and not taking responsibility for their own crap.
Bear in mind the time your sister stated,”those jeans look just a little comfortable on you, do not you think?” Though they knew you were hitting the gym?
They ensured can’t fit in their own jeans, or just saw a picture of the thinner selves in college.
Keep in mind that time you got that promotion at work and instead of congratulating you, your mom or dad said,”Oh, so I guess that means you will be spending much less time with your children.”
They’re guaranteed feeling resentful or guilty that looking back, they missed lots of your youth concerts and games.
So, what do you need to do about these?
Option 1: Continue to let them walk all over you, saying”that’s exactly who they are. This choice is risky since you put yourself in danger of continuing frustration and hurt feelings.
Choice 2: Stand up for yourself. This doesn’t need to seem like a Jerry Springer fight. But it requires courage, especially if this sort of individual has treated you a particular disrespectful way for years or decades.
- “Hey (insert individual’s name), it really hurts my feelings when you do/say (insert dangerous action here). I’d request that you keep those comments to yourself.
- “Hey (insert individual’s name). I notice that you are always commenting or giving me unsolicited advice on my divorce/looks/weight/recovery/insert whatever they are always commenting on. I’d ask that you don’t do this anymore, at least until I especially request your advice.”
So, a fast heads-up when you stand up for yourself from poisonous men and women. If the individual has some amount of emotional intelligence, they might take a step back and say, “Oh, wow… Sorry.
Or they might get defensive and turn it on you. They may say, “I am only trying to assist you. If you do not want my honest opinion, then fine. ” And they may stomp off or hang up the telephone or stonewall you or any other 5-year-old-at-the-playground silliness.
If this reaction occurs, that’s a HUGE RED FLAG that maybe this relationship is unhealthy. This ain’t the end of the world–it is just a chance to prepare healthy boundaries.
Oh, and I get you might not just have the ability to walk away from this individual so easily. They may be a relative or close friend you’ve known for ages.
But remember–being connected to somebody doesn’t give them carte blanche to disrespect you.
- Be aware that a number of the most toxic individuals could be those nearest to you
- Their hurtful words don’t have anything to do with you, but what to do with their own insecurities
- You have the ability to speak up for yourself…even if you are older and have not done much of it.
- Family members and close friends *don’t * have to be disrespectful just because they are on your own life and have done so for a long time.
So, how about you? Can you close family and friends who put you down?
What two measures will you take the next time it occurs?
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