There, I Said It!

“There, I said it”, he texted me after he asked me what I was doing on Friday night.  Then four months after I stated “I love you” to my Clark Kent (CK). 

For the first time in my life, I said those 3 words first. My whole life, I was too scared to utter the words –  to put myself out there was so frightening – I stressed what the response may be. In some previous relationships, I said”I love you too” when I did not really feel love in any way. In those situations, I liked the individual and did not want to hurt their feelings. This time, I did not say it anticipating a reply, I said it because I knew it to be true for me. Like a gift, it made me happy to give him these three words.  

All of a sudden, I felt nervous and inexperienced. I could immediately tell he had no motions, he was not playing games, which meant I did not know what my next move ought to be. His vulnerability and transparency left me weak in the knees. Thank God, I listened to my gut and did not run away. 

This is a brand new connection, I understand… the honeymoon period. I don’t have any idea whether it’s for a reason, a season or a lifetime, but I know it’s changing me in profound ways. 

You see from day one, we’ve been honest about everything! We discuss our anxieties and worries as easily as our achievements and hopes. We share our faith in God, in humanity and in positivity. We invite another to pursue interests, remain on task, and we relate and accept each other’s tendency to procrastinate occasionally and also to hit the snooze button. We give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume the very best in each other. We endeavor to be the best version of ourselves for each other. 

The cool thing about our beginning is that I must see the psychological man from the beginning. He showed up that way and he gave me the confidence I had to show up that way also. CK listens to me, makes me laugh everyday, offers to help but not insists, gives me distance, is my biggest fan, supports me emotionally (like nobody ever has before). 

In 52, being emotionally supported is currently on top of my requirements. In case you’re curious, he did not say those three words back. Not that day or for days later. 

 

READ MORE:

10 Best Places to Meet Singles from the Wild

A Productivity Hack that Works in Relationship

First Date Tips

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Dating Website Plights

Flipping through a pile of electronic baseball cards searching for the player we’enjoy’. Checking the stats. Doubting their veracity.

1 online Dating Service that I’m on let me know that 1,637 individuals were busy at 4 AM searching for me (perhaps) but if not really for me… but they were all looking really. We swipe left or right as if there were political sticks in operation. We Conserve those we might desire (or with whom we’re interested ) and we Liberally dispel others to the ether of obscurity.

Flipping through a pile of electronic baseball cards searching for the player we’enjoy’. Checking the stats. Doubting their veracity. Folding them back to the pile. No more thought required. Click.

This is the way we find our’Date Mate’ or fulfill our’Match’, we look in the aquarium at’Plenty of Fish’ where we expect to obtain a’Silver Single’ or somebody to’Mingle’ with. Can there be’True Harmony’? … or are we being dot conned?

Do not get me wrong, I see {} a modern contrivance, but it slants the taste of the individual we hunt for by tainting them in this procedure. And it leaves a nasty little ring around the empty tub of our lives.

Both the hunted and the searcher are obscured and altered through this procedure. It’s inorganic and antiseptic in the best.

The mass-media prostitution of ourselves because we primp our profiles in the expectation of’discovering’. We’select a name’ and then whittle the truths and attempt to highlight the part of us we hope will ignite a kindred interest. We write ourselves into a text box and’rescue’. We endlessly edit ourselves, selling the sizzle and trusting someone wants the beef. We take our bet in a pool of abilities and aspire to rise above them. Later we feel burnt at that bet as the amount of our artificial worth feels undetected.

Flipping past photographs using a hedonistically critical eye. Tossing aside a human being for the arbitrary pound, a jagged tooth, a well-earned pair of smile lines, or the audacity of cultural deviation. We’re Progressive Peeping Toms immersed in an oddly voyeuristic exercise. But worse, we’re changed in the practice of it. We diminish as we discount.

Skimming over a soul like they had been a coffee table book can’t be without consequences. The ease by which a thing is dehumanized must have repercussions as we toggle to the upcoming two-dimensional depiction. Hoping to get a tantalizing tid-bit… a wicked grin? … a buxom pose? … a titillating name? … Rock-hard abs? Peeking through keyholes…

This is the Sears Catalog of courtship — or for anyone who have teeth not as long as mine — the Amazon Prime of it. We bid farewell to a little our self-respect as we place on the Craig’s List of hungry hearts. On the lookout for a’best offer’.

We pay a fee to be reduced to a two-dimensional image drop of depth and breath — our heartfelt reach is reduced to trite phrasing or laid out in unfettered honesty to possibly be’box checked’ and deleted. Leaving us oblivious of if we’ve been read — certainly never feeling seen. The contrived conversation that resides in a message box and yearns to advance to mere texting. To only have the ability to observe an uploaded picture’s unblinking eyes rather than the animator behind them. A parallel world where we let people know”These pictures are Present”. As we sort those words into the glued profile’pic’ and we harbor a little hope. We fight back the latent jadedness that lurks behind the empty message box since the dis-functional chat, we completely embraced, sadly disappears. The callous thickens… fundamental needs, nevertheless un-met, are squashed under the guise of disinterest. As another small bit of us withers inside.

We’re wary of predators and default. Where do you live? You do not look 45! What’s your name? Would you really like character or are you attempting to lure me into the trodden trail? Why do you keep watching my profile is it attention or cyberstalking?

And now the dreadful crux of the prose… We know all this and we choose it. ‘Alone’ is a vast, gloomy, and vacant space. It’s important not to allow it to be.

We wish to harmonize in tune — I do. There’s a magic in a twinkled glance, since the film plot turns, and you discuss it — you need to. Billy Joel’s’Piano Man’ reminds us”that we’re sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s far better than drinking alone. Whether we find a’Real-estate novelist’ or Davey (who is still in the Navy) or the waitress who is practicing politics.” We each hope that it is’me’ that they are coming to see… not to forget about life for a while — but to cut through the crass and the mess and discover a genuine heart to touch.

Protect the inherent miracle of your’self’. Know about how the fire is tamped down but try to not allow it. Reach cautiously for the brass ring on this Merry-go-Round of optimistic seekers. Great luck with your search. May love (and I) find you while there’s still a sweet piece of each of us left.

Oh, and by the way — the Sweetness climbs back! We can flower over and over. We must!

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5 Signs You’ve Found a Great Man

“A great man is hard to discover.”

I remember my mother saying these words to me when I wanted to begin dating. The words pushed pause in my mind and made me question my heart. Was the man who asked me out not good? Was my mother giving me this warning for a reason? Can she not trust my judgment? Or, were great men as rare as my mother said they were?

I learned my mom did not make up those words. They were created from a short story written in 1955 by American female writer, Flannery O’Connor. Flannery’s catchy name soon became branded to the psyches of romantics everywhere like some sort of twisted truth.

Flannery, who died of Lupus in age 39, wasn’t married, though she had a love affair with a book salesman. I wonder whether her good man was there someplace between the salesman and the traces of the novels he sold?

A Good Man is Hard to Find.

I have spent years considering what a fantastic man really is. I have seen great in every man who has graced my world, whether romantically or platonically, however twisted up they could be inside. The better question may be, how in tune are they with their great? How do they manage their pain? How can they process their anxiety? And which sort of support system do they have in this world? My therapist self understands that working tools and support systems are the main indicators of someone’s mental health.

I had been trained not to trust my instinct when it comes to guys. Perhaps you were too. I’ve needed to reparent myself to trust my gut instincts by paying attention to the green and red (as in good) flags along the way. Below are a few of the green flags that male friends, coworkers, and past fans have held.

How do I know if he’s a fantastic man?

1. He’s ready to listen rather than leap to advice-giving or try to correct me once I want to vent.

There’s a two minute Youtube video called, “It’s Not About the Nail.” If you would like to comprehend how the male brain automatically functions, watch it. Active listening is a learned skill rather than an innate ability. A guy who can listen is far more sexy than a guy with a six-pack. One of my friends recently said her favorite foreplay is using a profound heart to heart conversation with her husband. “When he listens with his heart, I swoon,” she said with a big cheesy smile.

How can you know if your guy is listening? He’s silent and careful, and if you are sitting in front of one another, he gives you direct eye contact. “So that made you feel frustrated and caused you to close down because you had space to process. Can I get that right?”

You have it right. You heard me. You didn’t attempt to modify or fix me. You simply re-stated what I expressed to you and that’s all I needed. Alright, let’s make out today.

Make-out session aside, it’s hot, enticing, and Oxytocin-producing (aka very bonding) when a guy can just listen and be present for a woman.

2. He expresses his feelings easily and effortlessly.

I am not talking about overexpressing — such as carrying a box of tissue around and honking his nose every 20 minutes. I am talking about a guy who has no trouble telling you how he feels. I had a man yoga student who recently walked into the studio and said,”I feel nervous, I have never done this before. I just wanted to inform you that.” The secretary and I were floored by his willingness. I said,”Can every man be like this?” For many men, the courage needed to say: I am nervous, I’m scared, I’m feeling lonely is buried behind years of man-ups and do not be such a sissy. They are not any different from sex to gender. They begin with a thought and then form into physiological senses. Men have them just as often as girls do. A man who expresses his feelings, however, is a rare jewel. And when he expresses them, he’s one step closer to processing them through.

3. He’s mindful of his working tools and he uses them.

No codependency here. Whether your guy has been to treatment, he’s mindful of his own stress management tools and he uses them like a champ. Perhaps I am biased, but a guy who’s in treatment and possesses it’s his own I am about self-growth type of sexiness.

Coping tools are healthy outlets for anxiety or stress-preventative practices. This is a guy who knows what balance is. If he lifts weights goes to yoga or conducts, he does not burn himself out in the procedure. He feeds his mind, body, and soul with just-right doses of healthful activities. He might even motivate you to join his or her furry companion (insert your favourite pet here) at a morning meditation or test out the new sensory deprivation chamber or go to opening day at the baseball stadium.

If you are used to playing with a caretaking role, you can hang up that hat with this guy. He has himself covered. No unresolved mother issues. He understands that he doesn’t require a connection to fill in his psychological wounds. He’s a relationship that enriches his life. He’s attracted to you because you appear to get that self-care things going on too!

4. He thinks you are enough because he believes he’s enough.

This is a man that’s as humble as he is protected. He is not cocky or arrogant or narcissistic. Instead, he’s authentic. He enjoys himself enough to take space when he is stressed and gets that you will need to do the same sometimes. You do not feel a strong need to impress him with a new hairstyle or outfit or hours in the spa. When you dress him up, it is for pleasure, not for approval. You can be your sometimes messy, sometimes ultra-feminine self and it does not change how he treats you. He believes your vulnerability is as beautiful (if not more) than your bum. He doesn’t need to run when you express your insecurities. In actuality, he becomes more attentive and available to you.

5. It is possible to set boundaries and he honors them.

Insecure egos need not apply. You can also trust that he’ll express his feelings rather than repress them. He might say,”I will miss seeing you for our date night, but I am glad you are taking care of yourself.” You melt. Why? Because he said his sense straight and while also validating your need for space.

You feel protected setting boundaries with him since he’s open and honest. He will not hold a grudge against you and do something passive-aggressive like cancel your next date night to go out with the boys. You know how he feels, making you feel much closer to him. Your open communication permits you to honor one another’s needs for space so you enjoy the time you have together.

When healthy boundaries are a part of a relationship, couples have the ability to appear for each other with their entire selves. A man who takes no is a unicorn. Do not let this one go.

There are no perfect men.

However, I think there are loads of good men. And they might not be that difficult to discover. Look carefully at the men in your life. How can they exemplify any of these 5 attributes? And furthermore, look within. How can you resonate and embody these traits?

We bring what we amplify. You want more goodness, be goodness.

When you begin to embody everything you like, the great men will not be so tough to discover.

This post was formerly published on Publishous and is republished here with permission from the author.

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As a good man is hard to discover.

The article 5 Signs You’ve Found a Great Man appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Why Guys Should Watch Chick Flicks

Do you enjoy sex? Do you want to”get lucky” more often? Permit me to let you in a not-so-well-kept secret, chick flicks put girls in the mood.

I am always amazed at guys who absolutely refuse to see any film or tv show that is directed at women. I wonder, are they mad? Actually, what these men simply don’t know is how sexual interest and desire work in girls.

Do not be one of these men!!!

When you haven’t noticed, women and men do not work the same in regards to sexual desire. For women, sex is principally in our heads. This means that we will need to be present in the moment so as to be interested in getting down company. Chick flicks put us at the present time. This is because they’re all about love and connection. They’ve an emotional undercurrent that hooks us in a manner that most action movies do not.

Having said that, among the hottest scenes I’ve ever seen was in an action film. Incidentally, period pieces, such as”Pride and Prejudice”, are terrific films for after physical interaction. Additionally, it involved putting on clothes rather than taking them off. The film is”The Last Samurai”. I know it’s old and stars Tom Cruise but check it out anyway.

No matter the genre, spend some time finding out exactly what your woman enjoys. Be there when she yells at the ending of their very recent Nicholas Sparks’ story or if she sighs over the most recent exploits on The Affair or Victoria. (If you do not know what I am talking about, you will need to learn.) Do not look at these men as risks to your manhood, but as weapons on your love arsenal.

Do not be shy.


A version of the post was previously published on TheHeroHusbandProject and is republished here with permission from the author.

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For women, sex is principally in our heads. Annnnddd. . .chick flicks put us at the present time.

The article Why Guys Should Watch Chick Flicks appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Superman or Clark Kent?

My dating trip began in earnest in 1982, I was 16, a junior in high school and I fell in love with a sincere, thoughtful and loving Clark Kent-type. Initially, I had been infatuated with the tall, handsome and athletic new man, he seemed like Superman. I quickly discovered that he was shy, introverted, artistic and intelligent. I recall feeling relaxed, happy and appealing in his or her company. We spent every waking moment we could together, sharing and encouraging each other’s interests, families and friends. After 3 decades, while attending college several states away from one another, we tearfully broke up. We could not handle the distance.

At the moment, I was 19, a sophomore in college and I went in search of a new boyfriend. Again and again, I fell in lust and became obsessed with men who looked like my initial boyfriend-tall, athletic, confident, leaders. But they lacked the yummy interior qualities which turn infatuation into love. I had no idea that I should be focusing on interior values and qualities as opposed to the muscles, height and swagger.

For many years I dated and broke up with Superman upon Superman, I even married one. My ex-husband and lots of these men I dated are smart, funny and honorable great men.

Their cocky, fast-talking manners presented a challenge to me. I responded with my type A personality and my subliminal message to them was”you feel you are all that, well you have met your match”.

Looking back, I sparred more than that I loved. I used my quick wit and sexuality as my money and convinced Superman and myself that I was separate and that I did not need anything.

When you tell somebody you do not need anything, you get nothing! 

I’ve discovered that asking for what you need in a relationship is love.

You know the man, he’s shy, quiet (yeah sometimes he wears glasses), he might appear a bit awkward at first, seem a bit closer… Give him a chance, he’s superpowers too.

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READ MORE:

10 Best Places to Meet Singles at the Wild

A Productivity Hack that Works in Relationship

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