I Lost Me in My Marriage

Question: I have been married for 10 years and to make my marriage work, I have changed a lot of things about myself. The problem is I don’t feel like me anymore – I feel like a shell of who I was, as if I gave away all of my power to make my husband happy. There has to be a balance that I am missing.

Answer: Wow my love, I totally hear you. I’ve done the same. I would even cut the vegetables the way my first husband wanted so as not to be yelled at. I would hide my excitement if I got an audition, because he’d tell me don’t count your chickens before they hatched. My second husband, my son’s father, would (still) go to any new school, team, group, etc and tell them how crazy I was. I couldn’t figure out why people were so standoffish until 6 months into it, he raged at them for something and revealed his true nature. I became so doubtful, self-critical, afraid of the world. So many of us pretzel ourselves into this crazy inauthentic configuration just to get attention, appreciation, approval, love… sometimes just to feel safe, yes?

Yet there is a way out my love.
(and there is a way out if you aren’t married, yet this is your relationship)
And while it takes work, it’s easier than you think so long as you never give up.
I am both wise and humble, you will feel inspired and safe to keep going.
And with me, it’s way more luscious and delicious, too!

1. Straight off, let’s face the worst case scenario: If the REAL YOU doesn’t make him happy… then my sweet, your marriage is on shaky grounds and it may end up being the end of that sacred contract. Ideally, let’s choose a marriage or relationship where they are in total acceptance and allowance of who you are! In fact, let’s get a little crazy, how about they are in total celebration and f’ing adoration of you, yes? What would it take for you to receive that?

For example, you could CHOOSE to learn to like football games, yet you don’t have to… and could let him have guy time while you hang out with your girlfriends at the beach. He could CHOOSE to take you to the kind of musicals you like (that he really doesn’t like), or he could say darlin’- please enjoy your wonderful self at the musical with your girlfriend and I’m going to spend the night happily tinkering in the garage. Can’t you just feel the spaciousness that would provide you to keep growing, unfolding, playing?

While having great sex and having the money handled, it’s imperative that who you are naturally, and who he is naturally, is WELCOME in the relationship… or we give our power away and disown our Soul.

2. So love, let’s get back to the basics of YOU. What are the top three aspects of you that you’ve given away, given up, hidden, judged into prison? Your sense of humor? Your sexual desires? Your friends? Your favorite hobby? Your style of dress? Your choice to work or stay home?

What is one step you can take each week to wake up that part of you?
What would you have to do that you haven’t done yet, to enjoy these parts of you again?
Who would you have to be to honor yourself, no excuses, no giving in to other’s judgments?
If you had your power back and balance in your marriage, THEN what would light you up?

That’s not rocket science is it? Many of us know how to lose weight but we don’t do it either. You see my love, the reason you gave away you, isn’t because you’re stupid. You’re brilliant. It’s because inside you there’s a wounded heart. While you’re super accomplished, super smart and a badass… there’s a tiny part of you that doesn’t believe she can be herself, she doesn’t feel safe enough, or approved of enough, or supported enough, or beautiful enough… and this is something we need to heal at the root cause level. This issue didn’t happen overnight and while it won’t take years, it will take a few months to shift in a lasting expansive way.

3. We require deep roots and create high shoots. I could tell you all these surface actions to help you create balance, yet that’s just another way to put even more bandaids on this issue. Ultimately, it’s time to heal the reason you do things to please another and give your power away. Over time, you see how you’ve become a shell. The beauty of potentially partnering with me in a coaching journey together, is I heal the core cause of why you gave your power away in the first place, so you have YOU again, plus the balance you desire. From here, truly anything is possible. Deliciously.

I will have your back as your marriage shifts… knowing it will be the highest unfolding of your partnership because YOU are being amazing authentic incredible magnificent YOU. Same with friends, your job, etc. The more you take your power back, the more people who love the real YOU show up. And the more empowered, alive, delicious and unstoppable you feel simply being on the planet. Literally, you will wake up in the morning grateful to express your desires and create your dreams. Life will become the magic you know it can be. No shit.

4. Behaving in a NEW way inside an OLD marriage paradigm can be challenging. The old patterns are designed to pull you back into who you’re not… your hubby may initially feel threatened or hesitant about your full self shining. You most definitely will require someone non judgmental, unconditionally loving, strong and patient who will weather the storm with you. If you could have done this yourself, you would have, yes?

There is power in a sacred sisterhood partnership. Having a committed tender potent loving sanctuary to regroup, replenish and courageously let go, refuels you so you can shine big and dance into your delicious balanced life. Support is the key to succeeding. So many of us are ashamed to ask for help, believing a Queen does her own laundry, teaches the kids, trains the knights and bakes the bread, right? NOT! Many of us give up 5 minutes before the miracle because, on our own, we just don’t have the courage, strength and fortitude. If we were meant to do it all on our own, we’d be born knowing how to ride a bike, run a business, have a healthy body… but we’re not. We have to ask for help with humility and courage, then we succeed!

Imagine the way you’ll feel on the other side of this challenge, having exhaled all the way home in your body, the feeling of accomplishment having taken your power back, the feeling of feminine potency shining authentically, the feeling of being YOU with an open heart in your marriage. Imagine you said yes, and that together we’ve walked through the fire, you’ll feel enlivened, reconnected with your authentic passions, flowing and glowing from the inside out… radiantly inspiring those around you, no longer losing your center if someone doesn’t agree with you. Literally, imagine how it will feel to use your sacred temptress to lure your husband into even deeper intimacy with you. Imagine what it feels like to have created the balance you are missing! Are you willing to let yourself have that?

For many years, I was honestly more committed to my story, to complaining, to making excuses of why coaching won’t work. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid that given I am a kick ass coach, what would a coach think with me needing help too? Then it became clear that we ALL have blind spots, me too. NOTHING has improved my life, business and relationships more than getting coaching AND being a coach.

I walk my talk knowing anything worth having requires a risk, a jump, a courageous bold decision… and a healthy dose of humility. Only you can decide if now is the time to stop surviving as just the shell of you. Is it worth it to your Soul to be who you really are right now? I am thrilled you reached out with this question. I invite you to create change now by signing up with me with for six private coaching sessions.

And if you have a few questions first, contact me through [email protected] and I’d be more than happy to answer them so you feel 1000% certain and confident that this is the best decision you’ve ever made to create harmonious balance, joy, luscious connection and freedom of expression in your wonderful marriage. What a privilege and honor to guide you home to YOU. What else is possible just waiting to unfold?

Huge love,

Allana

A version of this post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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