Concentrate on the Repair, Not the Damage

The perfect Relationship — What’s it look like? Have you ever been in one?  When I’ve asked customers, they have said things like:

We are deeply connected.
We remain open to one another.
We never fight.

Notice the previous statement. Do you know couples that never fight? Likely not.

How about we change that last statement to”we browse battle well?”

Conflict occurs in all relationships. The biggest question is, how can we deal with this?  What if the perfect relationship isn’t”conflict-free” but”conflict-resilient?” What does that look like?

It looks like this.

I trust you to remain in the fire with me when things get rough.  I trust you to maintain your upset and speak your truth to me {} you’ve cooled off. I trust you to hear my side of things.

Trust. Yes, battle is all about hope.  Once we deal with conflict poorly, trust diminishes. As soon as we navigate battle well, trust increases.  It’s that easy.

The actual opportunity in battle is how you and your spouse can feel nearer than ever afterwards.  To construct confidence which you can deal with tough things, without attacking, blaming, checking out, or numbing. What would that be like?

As I said in my previous blog — 4 Relational Conflict Styles — Which One Are You?  — the perfect partner doesn’t mend, blame, or abdicate. Rather, they take responsibility, deal with their hurt feelings and then concentrate on fix, not the harm .

Here’s a simple procedure to put repair into actions.

But, before I give you the products, I wish to say this.  To repair after battle, give up having to be right. Give up needing to prove anything.   Get more needing to be warranted.  That is staying in the harm. That is an adolescent perspective.

An adult, on the other hand, shows up to listen, hold their answer, and listen to their spouse.  That fosters repair and connection.

I once heard it said — within this life, would you like to be right or do you wish to be adored ?

So, here is the brief version of how to mend. Perhaps you’ve done this already. But… can you do it consistently?

1. The first person talking has the ground for 5 or 10 minutes, whatever is agreed on; set a timer and use a thing to reveal who has the floor. Only the individual with the object may speak.  The other individual is concentrated only on listening. For the person talking, talk about your feelings. Speak to nature, not narrative, as you have limited time and the clock is ticking.

2. After the timer goes off, the individual listening speaks what they heard said, in their own words. Your only job is to prove that you heard your spouse. When you’re finished, you ask,”Can I get everything?”

3.   When you are done, pause and take a breath.

4. Bear in mind, no problem solving, no focusing on who is right and who is wrong. This is all about practicing relational consciousness (“we” not”me”).

5. Notice Hooks & Triggers. Notice where you’re fired up. Breathe, tell yourself you are ok, love yourself, get current again.  It is your issue, do not project it on your spouse.

That is it, super easy. And yet often being directed by a relationship coach is a excellent way to build this into your connection.

And bear in mind, as we get better at mend together with our spouse, we cultivate a deeper confidence. A trust based on an established track record to make it through hard stuff.  We hope in each other’s power to keep in the fire when battle happens.

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