Our Love Journey Broken Down Into Three Acts

In training thousands over the years with their relationships, I have found a pattern in our love travel. A narrative really, with action breaks, turning points, plot twists, and a lot of the time predictable endings. Although everyone’s story differs, the overarching journey of love is pretty much the same.

In high school, our fascination is based on two things.

1. Identity.

Yes, on the surface you might think his handsome face and how his cute ass jiggles when he scrambles to throw a hail mary touchdown”super sexy.” But how much of you needing him has to do with other people needing him and if you have him, you would think you’re worth more? Can your friends think you’re cooler if the prom queen was your girlfriend instead of just spank material from the shower? And needless to say, it is not the’50s and jocks and prom queens are not the only people we’re attracted to. We also love the guy in the group, particularly if he has his own group, the cool nerd, the skater, etc. My point is these aren’t people. They’re identities. In high school, we’re like forming puddy. We’ve got no inner shape. We specify and find our worth in others since our self-esteem resembles Jello forming in the refrigerator and it’s only been like two hours. Our lack of self-esteem and sense of value is where we really pull from. Not only our hormones.

There are some who will give two sh*ts about identity and social standing and only date people for their hearts and personality. They care less about what somebody looks like and more about how they’ll be treated. But is that the truth or have they been memorizing responses in their mother’s self-help books? Perhaps they truly developed high self-esteem and a feeling of worth that can not be swayed by celebrity and a feeling of self in somebody else or do they think those children are out of the league? Basically not tangible. Which means their self-esteem is far lower so they attempt to compensate for it by making”adult” decisions.


Impulsiveness. Unpredictability. Reactiveness. Controlling. Neediness. Codependency. Enmeshment. Basically whatever connection energetic we grew up in at home. We believe that is what love looks like as it is all we know. We haven’t gone through our love hero’s journey to understand any different. Healthy is foreign to us. And most likely, dull.

Finding our value in somebody else + what smells familiar is what generates the tacky (unhealthy dysfunctional love that seems f*cking amazing!)

If we think we are lacking so we find our worth and individuality in somebody else, the power goes to another individual and / or the connection. If we just chase what smells familiar, because nobody’s family is ideal and no child enters adulthood unscarred, we’re recreating trauma.

This sticky.

Warped definitions of love, a bumpy road of insanity and responding. Unhealthy conflict. Internalization. Losing yourself in somebody else. You’re now doing things you probably would not do. You’re sacrificing voice, compromising self, and puncturing self-esteem rather than growing it. And it feels amazing! Because drama, jealousy, control, and pursuing is extreme and you error intensity for love.

Again, because that is all you know and have experienced.

If we attempt to find ourselves in somebody else within our younger years, we lose ourselves in somebody else within our 20’s.

The majority of our 20’s is all about splattering paint, blindfolded, and hoping there will be a gorgeous painting once we’re done. But usually it is really abstract and needless to say, beauty is subjective, i.e. childbirth. We try to produce a direct beeline toward a secure future with a clean framework.

But that is impossible. We do not know what we need yet. And have not come out the other end of the tube so we do not possess the tools to construct that framework. Like majors in college, what we desire will change a million times. But we do not know that. We believe we are on our path.

There’s absolutely no route in our twenties. There’s simply a wide area of thorns and boobie traps. But also waterfalls and lakes, to perform backflips off of. The majority of us haven’t turned the corner become inquisitive about ourselves and why we do what we do. We’re still walking responses from our past and how we grew up. We simply wear adult clothes and go out to fancy dinners we can not afford.

Not what we think is healthy for all of us. Our choices result in a great deal of pain.

Enter. Empty sex. 1 night stands. Experimentation and things you probably would not do five years from now. Sketchy circumstances where you shouldn’t have come out alive. Zero self-care. Remaining in relationships for a long time. Or not long enough. Both are operating away from self.

Ordering in. Binge-watching. Losing friends as you lose yourself on your person. Two people. 1 bathtub. And finally, psychological claustrophobia as you obviously grow and wish to become your own person. Input jealousy and control and anger from the confusion of another person who’s not prepared and does not understand why you do not”love” him.

The height of the enthusiast / Alanon pull.

But for many, there’ll be a few more laps around that crazy trail.

Our 20’s is an automobile crash.


Our 30’s & 40’s. Where Our Dragons Live.

We are done with the old. Codependency. Enmeshment. Eggshells. Faking orgasms. Telemundo fights. Non-communication. Looking after people. We’re thirsty for something new.

We’re finally interested in ourselves. Who we are. Where we would like to go. How we would like to be treated.

Our 30’s is when all of the anger and bitterness we have had buried for so long raises its ugly head.

And everybody feels it. Your partner. Your friends. Your loved ones. Your boss. Employees. Things which were important to you do not matter as much as the older you fall like the puppet master let go of the marionette strings. And new things thing. Things that hang on you and your own happiness.

Some friends fade. Some stay. It’s when folks find yoga.

If you have been in a relationship since your early 20’s, this is when that”seven-year itch” appears. Or when folks begin to”outgrow” each other. If one or both parties need distinct. When relaxation is no longer enough. It doesn’t mean it is over. Some make it through the turbulence if they are emotionally in precisely the exact same place and jump from the airplane together before it goes down. But to tell the truth, most do not.

ONE, the relationship was over years ago. They simply stayed inside because of fear. Or children. Or because they did not want to be lonely. Or because they did not want to hurt another person. Or because they do not know what they want, partly because they’ve never experienced anything else, so that they did not do anything about it. Whatever reason, the connection has expired. It is not repairable. Folks have drifted too far.

TWO, you have only been with one person for the majority of your life. You are going to be interested. There is nothing wrong with you and perhaps there is nothing wrong with the connection either. It just means you are human. It is normal to be curious and attracted to other people, particularly in case you have not experienced other men and women. And it is not just about sex. You are curious about another dynamic. You’ve had the exact same meal for a couple of years. This doesn’t mean that you should break up or cheat. It just means it is a true thing and should be explored rather than buried. Whatever we push will always return up.

Life and growth are all about new adventures. It is a circle that can never cease or growth and your development stops. Love is no exception. The great news is you can have these new adventures with the identical person. But only if the two people put effort into developing, changing, and evolving together. But most do not or just 1 person does and that is why so many who’ve been together for so long wind up drifting and finally breaking up.

Our thirties and forties are all about”growing up” which means having healthy relationships.

But we’re not utilised to healthy. The majority of us do not know what healthy resembles. I mean we have read about it but never really experienced it. So now we are in something we think is good for us but it’s also new for us. There is resistance and confusion. Could we be sexually attracted to someone who provides a safe area? Can our very best friend also meet our wildest fantasies? Can we be romantic on a completely different level, the kind we have only read about?

Here is where the road forks and we’ve got a life-changing choice to make.

Take possession of your sh*t. Process what is coming up, where it is coming from, and take responsibility of what is yours. No more blaming. That is what we call”internal work” or”doing the job.”

Shake your love and closeness Etch-a-sketch. Forget your kind or what you think you are or aren’t attracted to. Take in the adventure of your new relationship without labels or judgment and see if you’re able to find something different about them, you, the connection as you paint a new portrait of familiarity. It is not about starting over. It’s about beginning open.

This new outlook will provide you a fresh love experience and that is what is going to shift your perspective, definitions, beliefs, and keep linking you to your self, as you build something that’s different and of value. Because by now you understand intimacy isn’t found. It’s built.


Do not look inward. Do not take possession of your own sh*t. Do not process whatever is coming up with whomever you are with. Then opt to go down the familiar again, as it’s comfortable and feels great. This is where relapse resides and false beliefs are cemented. Again.

Go down this street and enjoy slowly fades into an ideal, you once had.

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