–Recently, there’s been a gush of articles in the media about a frequent issue in romantic relationships: mistrust between spouses that erodes positive feelings and love. While it’s not unusual for people to worry that their spouse has the capability to rove, girls are more likely to experience trust problems than men in relationships.As an example, at The Normal Bar analysis, the authors gathered groundbreaking data from 70,000 participants globally and found that only 39% of women in their sample (compared to 53% of men) fully trust their partners. The authors ask: What is wrong with this picture?Why are girls more mistrustful than guys? The solution may lie in what could be tagged insecurity or a lack of self-trust. Trust is about much more than catching your spouse in a lie or truth. It’s about believing he or she has your best interests at heart.An inability to trust somebody may take several forms — ranging from feeling they are being unfaithful, dishonest, or close to doubting they will keep their promises be dependable.Every man or woman is born with the capacity to trust other people but through life experiences, we become less trusting as a kind of self-protection. The separation of a long-term relationship or marriage can set the stage for feelings of mistrust. This might be particularly true for women that are socialized to put more value on proximity and mutuality than guys are.Enduring your parents’ divorce may also leave you with lingering feelings of mistrust because their relationship was your first teacher about love and devotion. It is no wonder because her father betrayed her mother several times and finally left the family and moved in with a family friend.But, Erik has not given Makayla any reason to mistrust him. He is a loving, loyal husband who matches his vows and hasn’t cheated on her. Makayla has a propensity to blow things out of proportion when she says”You are always late and inconsiderate of my requirements.” When Erik returns home a little late from running an errand or visiting the gym, Makayla is frequently full of suspicion and sends him multiple text messages. These activities show a lack of confidence in herself and fuel Erik’s feelings of anger and frustration toward Makayla.But since they have been attending counselling together, Erik is working on revealing Makayla through consistency in his words and actions that he is there for her. He is focusing his energies on being empathetic and listening to her feelings as opposed to becoming defensive or shutting down. Meanwhile, Makayla must learn how to analyze her thought processes. She has to be ready to forego self-defeating ideas — to free herself from the patterns of her youth.Before, Erik’s defensiveness about Makayla’s accusations caused her to become even more mistrustful. It was entirely the wrong approach but one of them were conscious of it. However, in order for her to construct trust with Erik over the long term, Makayla must be exposed and expose her true feelings. If she shuts Erik out or does not express her fears and insecurities, she will start to imagine the worst. They have both discovered that honest and open communication is the key to restoring love, trust, and intimacy in their relationship. Ask yourself: is your lack of confidence on account of your spouse’s actions or your own problems, or both? Ask yourself: is there congruence between my spouse’s words and actions? Does he keep significant promises and agreements?
Gain awareness about how your responses may be having a damaging influence on your relationship and take responsibility for them.
Do not always assume that your spouse’s behavior is intentional — sometimes people simply make a mistake.
Be open to your spouse’s perspective. Ensure that your words and tone of voice are consistent with your aim of building trust.
Exercise attunement with your spouse. Dating expert, Dr. John Gottman defines attunement as the desire and the capacity to comprehend and respect your romantic partner’s inner world. He writes:”Attunement provides a blueprint for restoring and building trust in a long-term committed relationship.”
Remember that learning to trust is a skill which may be nurtured over time. It can be a slow procedure. With persistence and courage, you can turn hurts from past betrayals into classes.
In his book, The Science of Trust, Dr. John Gottman challenges how the majority of us define hope. He states that trust is an action as opposed to an idea or belief — more about what our spouse does than what you or I do.You may enter a relationship with fractured trust for many different reasons. A recent separation or divorce isn’t necessarily the root cause. However, as you become more aware of your tendency to mistrust your spouse, you can end up and ask: Is my mistrust coming from something which is actually happening in the present, or can it be related to my previous? Trust is more of an acquired skill than a sense. When you sustain the loss of a connection as a result of broken trust, it makes you smarter and more keenly able to extend hope to people that are worthy of it. You can learn how to trust your instincts and your judgment once you really deal with your anxieties. If you can come to a location of self-awareness and understand the choices which were made that led up to trust being severed, you may begin to approach others with faith and confidence.While learning how to trust may be one of our greatest challenges as women, it is important to understand that doubts are common in relationships. Practicing being vulnerable in tiny measures will promote open and honest communication — a vital step to restoring faith in love. Trust is crucial to helping both partners feel protected and building a happy relationship that endures the test of time.–A version of the post was formerly published on Movingpastdivorce.com and is republished here with permission from the author. ◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood
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