Admit it, it would be a truly boring world if we all had perfectly happy and harmonious interactions and relationships.  Though –it would also be a world without country music, so there is something to take into account.  But truthfully, it’s the melodrama of life that feeds our desire to grow, evolve and change. Everybody who has ever met another individual has had the experience of discovering that occasionally their first, besotted reaction finally ends up becoming categorized into the”what-was-I-thinking?” category.  All of us have emotional triggers and buttons which could get activated by fulfilling the wrong person at the perfect time (or the ideal person at the wrong time).  Attraction and adoration can devolve into revulsion or boredom.With revulsion being the more interesting experience, actually.Okay, we are HUMAN and we’re deeply programmed by our upbringing, our environment, the culture, the media, the age, and that I could go on.  Half the time we do not know if WE are the one responding or if the collective mind is.  So how the hell does ANYONE form a healthy bond with a beloved?Well, step one is obviously KNOW THYSELF.  Study your own personal history and get a sense for what draws you into relationships to start with (romantic or platonic).  Are you a health professional, searching for someone to mend or just look up to you?  Are you a placater (or do you will need to be placated)?Honestly, all of us have our problems and getting in touch with your own is the first and most crucial step to knowing how to relate to another individual in a wholesome way.  Because who is the worst kind of person to interact with?  For starters.At exactly the exact same time, realize that whoever you’ve attracted into your life is, in actuality, a REFLECTION of you somehow.  Maybe your very best self, possibly your shadow self, possibly your karma (sorry, this type of b*tch).  So the very first thing you will need to do when you start feeling annoyed (or itchy or like you will need TO ESCAPE AT ANY COST!) ???LOOK IN THE MIRROR.I had this come up lately (really, it comes up all of the damn time, but here is an example) with a few extended family members that confronted me about some behaviour of mine they had decided was unacceptable.  As soon as I attempted to explain my behaviour, I was accused of lying (I was not ) but the fact was that I had not fully contemplated the situation from their view (nor had they from mine) so upon doing this, I chose to apologize, though previous to the confrontation I had no idea I had hurt or offended anyone.  However, the lying thing stuck in my craw–so I took a look in the mirror.In doing this, I realized that part of the reason they had NOT considered the problem from my perspective is that I hadn’t been completely honest about it.  While the particulars they accused me of lying about weren’t true (or honest ), the overall reality was I was putting a”sunny side up” face on a tricky time in my life, so that they had no clue of where I was coming from or the challenges I faced at the time of this situation in question.Because, you know, they are not PSYCHIC.Outside of clinical abuse, the majority of us participate in some dysfunctional finger-pointing and abdication of personal responsibility in the majority of our key relationships.Because, you know, we are HUMAN.  (it is a thing.)The only way to cure this trend is hyper-vigilance about our own (NOT the OTHER’S) motivation.  We can’t cure or fix or alter anyone who’s not in the process of doing these things by themselves.  So if you’re in a relationship where you’re continuously dealing with an intolerable behavior/attitude etc., get the HECK from DODGE.Let them do the job they have to do while you concentrate on why you drove into Dodge to start with–and yes, there’s a reason.We’re not in connection by happenstance.We’re in relationship to grow and evolve and learn and yes, occasionally LEAVE.Growing, learning and evolving are supposed to lead to modify.Otherwise, you aren’t doing it right.Your relationships will reflect you and your present state of development quite professionally, and until you realize and work with this, you’re doomed to repeat the identical unhealthy loops you really have been spinning for years on end.When your spouse is being selfish, cruel, idiotic, unfeeling, disengaged, etc–LOOK IN THE MIRROR.Are they representing you?Or are they representing your beliefs about you?In any event, time to create a change.–Shutterstock

We aren’t in relationship by happenstance. 

The article Unhappy in Your Relationship? Look in the Mirror appeared on The Great Men Project.

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84 Questions to Ask on a First Date

Conversation starters and thought provoking questions to create real connection and help you in your search for true love.

Modern day dating is catchy. Maybe, more of a challenge now than ever in history.

Why, with so many relationship programs making it easier to meet people, has it become increasingly hard?

I feel that since it has become very easy to find, talk to, and meet up with somebody, there’s minimal danger involved and therefore less attempt to create real relationship.

You meet up with somebody to make small talk for a couple of hours hoping to convince them that you’re a fascinating, charming individual. Secretly, you’re hoping to discover exactly the same about them.

I’ve committed my life to helping women create more self-love and confidence, which is vitally important in dating.

Below is a list of 84 conversation and thought provoking questions to create real connection and help you in your search for true love.

Now get out there and find your soulmate!

  • What do you do, and how long are you doing it?
  • Where are you from originally?
  • Where did you go to college?
  • That has been the biggest influence on your life?
  • What is your favourite place in the whole world?
  • What actually makes you laugh?
  • Are there any foods you absolutely despise?
  • What is your favourite movie of all time?
  • What is your favourite book of all time?
  • What is your biggest goal right now?
  • What is your favourite way to spend a weekend?
  • What were you like as a child?
  • What should I know about you that I’d never think to ask about?
  • What do you like to do if you are not working?
  • What is your favorite TV show at the moment?
  • Which sort of music do you enjoy?
  • Have you traveled anywhere really cool lately?
  • What’s your absolute favourite food?
  • Who is your biggest role model?
  • What is your biggest pet peeve?
  • Would you like tea or coffee?
  • Do you have any siblings?
  • In case you won the lottery, what’s the first thing you would do with the money?
  • Is there anywhere else you’d really like to live, besides here?
  • What is on your bucket listing?
  • Do you like cooking?
  • What is your favourite thing about your job?
  • What is your least favourite thing about your job?
  • Do you have a busy week coming up?
  • What combination of toppings makes your perfect pizza?
  • Do you drink?
  • Based on the above, what’s your signature drink?
  • What’s the most thoughtful gift you have ever received?
  • Does your family still reside in your hometown?
  • If you could be any person for a day, who would it be?
  • What is something you’ve been really proud of lately?
  • What is something you’ve always wanted to try?
  • What do you enjoy about relationship?
  • What’s your least favourite thing about dating?
  • What is something you are bad at?
  • Who in your family are you closest to?
  • What is your favorite holiday?
  • What is one of your favorite childhood memories?
  • What is your favourite article of clothing that you own?
  • What’s something you’re financially saving up for?
  • What is a New Year’s resolution you want to stick to?
  • What’s a job which you would never do?
  • What’s your complete dream job?
  • Do you believe yourself spontaneous, or a planner?
  • What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
  • Are you a big sports fan?
  • Who is your favourite sports team?
  • What quality for you is an automatic”no way” when chasing someone in a relationship?
  • What is the best single piece of advice you have ever received?
  • What do you want your 20 year old self could have understood?
  • If you could travel back and reside in any time period, when could it be?
  • What’s been your greatest achievement thus far?
  • What’s a tradition your family had when you were a child?
  • What do you enjoy most about where you live?
  • What was the worst job you’ve ever had?
  • When you’re a child, what did you expect to do when you grew up?
  • What’s one skill you want you may be better at?
  • Have you got a huge group of friends?
  • What is your favourite band?
  • If you could contribute to some charity, which charity would it be and why?
  • In one word, how would you describe yourself?
  • What do you look for in a spouse?
  • What do you find most attractive in a possible partner?
  • If you could be any animal, which animal would you be?
  • If you’re stuck on a deserted island, who would you choose to have with you?
  • If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what could it be?
  • What does your dream house look like?
  • What is an ideal day for you?
  • For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

A version of the post was previously published on huffpost.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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9 Keys Your Spouse’s Ex Might Not Tell You

Have you got an ex in your life, making your life hell? Does it feel like even though your partner got divorced, that they’re still married? Would it surprise you to discover that you put up with more than you must, just because the ex says you do?

Below are nine ways to quit allowing the ex to conduct your life. And, the way to eliminate the welcome mat out of your own porch and your brow respectively.

1. You did not marry them; they’re not your ex.

This person your spouse or significant other married and therefore divorced, wasn’t who you planned to spend your life with. The word exclude, begins with ex, do that.

2. The ex does not possess your partner simply because they share a child.

If your partner is your non-custodial parent with jealousy; it’s difficult, but not impossible. Though no longer a staff concerning marriage, they’re a team concerning the child/ren. If the ex has sole legal and sole physical, s/he has the state over education, medical and faith. However s/he is required by legislation to promote and cultivate a relationship with all relatives of the child’s parent.

3. If you wish to attend a college or sporting event — you can. Doctors’ appointments also.

Sporting events are public; anybody and their grandma can attend. If you would like to go, go. Same is true for college recitals, back to school nights, etc.. Actually most schools will do different conferences so that both houses are involved with the child’s educational progress and needs. Concerning doctors’ appointments you may go with a partner, or have your name added to the child’s file as somebody that has a right to medical care and information. It’s actually no different than having access to a charge card or utility bill which could be solely on your spouse’s name. It is possible to acquire information and have some participation.

4. Your spouse’s visitation time is the partner’s decision to spend it how they wish.

The ex-spouse can’t give you anything on your own time. Including sports, doctors’ appointments, birthday parties etc.. It’s a double edge sword though because if by not taking the kid to particular engagements will hurt the child in the process, it’s a no-win situation. However, by no means are you required to perform it.

5. Practice your divorce decree, not the ex’s divorce controls.

It can not be any simpler stated than this. The divorce decree is the spouse’s bible in ways. Non-custodial parents have more rights than many realize, like rights to school and medical records. Do your research.

6. If your partner and their ex share joint legal and joint physical custody — your spouse’s state is at least as significant as the ex’s.

One isn’t more than another. You will need to be aware of the differences of these and what your partner has.

7. The ex can only control what there is not any control over.

If a void is observable, the ex will invade. 1 place the ex will attempt to invade is your union. This is your land — be territorial enough to frighten the ex, this isn’t their location, and their presence won’t be tolerated. Stand your ground.

8. The ex’s problem with you is a manifestation of a problem with themselves.

Any parent who’s pleased with themselves and their own level of participation and parenting they supply will never confine or restrain the parenting or participation of anyone else. This is a famous fact.

9. Concerning child support, do your own math and study.

Many parents pay more than they should and feel as if they must roll over and accept it. If your partner feels there is a considerable change either in their income or the ex’s, request a review. If your partner is on disability or the ex is on disability be certain that the child support office knows. You’d be amazed how many parents overpay because they neglected to double-check or request a review.

There you have it, nine strategies to restrict or exclude the ex’s participation in your house, your marriage and the connection with your stepkids.

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There was a notion deeply ingrained in me at the time I started studying about seduction, which was that girls were something to conquer. Not because I hated women, but since I had difficulty understanding a large portion of their behavior. Now I clearly see that lots of nations of anger arise from expecting another to act, feel, and believe like we do. Since that’s not feasible, we end up thinking in oversimplifications that hamper our ability to interpret reality and stop us from overcoming barriers.Oversimplifications direct us to hold prejudices about the other gender. How often have we heard women say”men do not want commitment”? But if that were so, guys could stick to brothels rather than attending bars and nightclubs, where they need to endure failure, spend a good deal more money and spend more time and effort so as to sleep with a girl . This is a frequent remark that springs from the inability to comprehend women’s timing and fantasies. There´s the {} “all men/women would be the same.” These kinds of comments foster a struggle between the sexes, and we wind up wasting energy on attacking the other out of our trench line, rather than attempting to understand them.Another highly common mistake we encounter is that we compete rather than complementing each other. People today have a tendency to be manipulative, and they lie to make the most of others rather than being authentic. The belief still prevails that to seduce, an individual has to deceive and tell a girl what she wants to hear. This attitude is usually associated with fear of rejection: fear of demonstrating interest or sexual desire for someone and being caught offside. Fear of showing ourselves like we actually are, of exposing ourselves and our flaws. Like we said in the start, many conceive another gender as an enemy, and so as to seduce, they aim military strategies. “A frontal assault is significantly harder to point than an assault from the back”. Is this about competing or about trying for the same aim? Is not it that men want girls and girls want guys? Why should we make everything so complicated?Still another frequent mistake is to believe {} simpler for the other gender to seduce. There are guys who think that girls have it easier, and there are lots of women who think men have more chances. There are lots of components that promote this belief. On the one hand, since we’re drawn towards the other sex, insecurity makes us feel we’re at a disadvantage, and therefore we do not observe exactly the same thing happens on the other side.On the other hand, we have a tendency to overestimate the benefits and underestimate the disadvantages that the other sex has. It’s true that lots of women are approached by countless men, but the majority of the times these guys do not interest them. Also, we guys can approach any girl we would like, at any time, without being hunted down on socially.The truth is women are just as lonely and frustrated as we are, and whine about being unable to get the correct guy. It’s surprising to see how highly conditioned we are by the concept of what love should be like according to the films. Or by societal mandates that dictate which behavioral patterns and beliefs are right, a problem which greatly affects girls. In actuality, the amount of difficulty in seducing a woman greatly depends upon the society she lives in.Based on the state we are in, how readily we pick up girls varies, no matter our”match”. A vital element is the amount of sexual freedom people enjoy in a specific place. As a matter of fact, when a lady is on holiday she tends to be far more permissive. Why is that? Since she can do anything she wants and then vanish, avoiding conclusions from people she knows.In virtually all societies we find people that aren’t entirely free –they are subject to anxieties, repressions and mandates imposed by their own culture, family or faith –; we can detect the social roles that influence their behaviour. A very clear example has to do with the way we respect a person who’s not in a secure relationship after a certain age. How many couples have come together because of that societal pressure? How authentic can a connection be if it’s born from a mandate? Sexual freedom is also not well regarded, especially in regards to women, who risk appearing”sluttish” in the eyes of others.Many times I’ve heard guys say”I got myself a woman,” like it was some type of achievement or goal. Among men, there is the deeply ingrained belief that women are a thing to be got, that we have to work hard to attempt and get one. We fancy ridiculous strategies or produce lines to pick up them as if they did not understand what we’re trying to do. As if we needed to convince them of something, as we state in Argentina, like we were attempting to chamullarlas (“Chamullar” is a colloquial verb of widespread usage in Argentina, particularly in the region of the Río de La Plata, which describes convincing someone of something by unethical means (i.e. lying).In actuality, many guys like to brag in their choosing up someone through chamullos. What they are unaware of is that in most cases the girl had singled out them and was playing along with them. Chamullar isn’t equivalent to building compassion, and the gap between both of these theories can be perceived both in the motivation behind the interaction with a woman and in its own development. The principal source of those unconstructive approaches is worshiping women by placing them on a pedestal high above ourselves, but at exactly the exact same time, resenting them. Even though these actions might appear contradictory, they are actually two sides of the same coin. I was, undoubtedly, one of those guys in need of validation.Among the very first crucial changes of attitude, then, consists not in trying to find the perfect way to win a girl over (in other words, to receive their validation), but instead in growing as individuals. Have you got any passions or fantasies, or have you always done what you were told? Are your friends people you’ve actually chosen? Are you fit or obese? What type of relationship are you planning for? Working on our private development will enable us to treat women as equals; as individuals as opposed to goddesses.Having better relationships won’t result from possessing the coolest phone, the latest car, or studying the most effective pick-up lines, but instead from having a strong mindset, a well-defined identity, and being emotionally fit and having the ability to express ourselves freely.Increasing your interactions with women will come as a natural result of this personal development. It’s a guy’s attitude that makes him appealing: he should have an interesting life, rich not in material possessions, but in worth, abilities, and experiences. If those elements are found, the attraction between a man and a woman will spring up naturally, no-one needs to be convinced of anything.What Are Women Searching For? Women want men, respect men, fantasize about guys, and dream about guys. They need to be with us, they need us to be that man. And by saying this I do not mean they’re searching for prince charming or the ideal man. They simply need a guy who makes them feel just a little bit more alive. Somebody who’s interesting and humorous… Consider this: if a man or a woman spend a large deal of time and effort on something it’s because they take an interest in it, right? Then why is it that women spend as much time on their appearance? It’s recognized that some women take hours to groom themselves up before going out to a bar, a party, or any other social event. A woman who seems herself in the mirror a hundred times before going out desires to meet a guy who feels attracted to her, who chooses her over others.No girl (who is emotionally healthy, that is) wants to reject guys to be able to boost her up ego. Broadly, nobody likes having to reject someone; it attracts about embarrassing situations that we mostly try to avoid. Most of us have gone through that at some stage, and it’s no bed of roses. If a woman rejects us, it isn’t because she loves it, it’s because we did not make her feel something special. When she finds a guy who arouses a new, special feeling in her…it’s then that she’ll overlook the majority of his mistakes and give him a chance.Human beings act according to the way others make us feel. It might be said that each and every facet of seduction is finally reduced to the way we make a girl feel. When they don’t feel comfortable, attracted, confident, and secure, and they do not feel a relationship with us, we won’t have much chance. All of these are emotions that we can –and should– communicate in an honest and authentic manner. If this isn’t true, sooner or later the real motives behind the approach will surface, and the illusion will shatter. We’ll never get a girl who isn’t up for it.The truth is we aren’t picking her up, we’re picking up each other. If she does not want to be with us, this will be tough to accomplish. Of course there’ll be occasions when we will have the ability to find someone interested even when their first response was to reject us, but we should not try to convince them that we’re”a great catch”. We’re not something she is considering to purchase.Both genders need one another. Women aren’t the opposite sex, they’re the complementary sex. They play on our staff.–Previously Released on Get a WingmanShutterstock

Women aren’t something to conquer.

The article Gender Equality: Sexes Are Complementary, Not Opposed to Each Other appeared on The Great Men Project.

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There is one question that disarms couples at a moment of battle.

The Conflict 

John and Susan zoom into me on video chat in South Carolina. John’s a high-level executive using a steel firm. And while he spends a whole lot of time on the job, he is aging and well aware that his home life beckons, meaning in the upcoming few years, he will have more time at home with his partner.

I have been working with John for a little bit and enjoy this moment, occasionally, I will invite a customer’s partner on the call. We talk further about the job we have been doing and I get a glimpse into the other side of the relationship.

In this example, John has been feeling as though he can’t make Susan happy. Whatever he does it does not appear to be enough.

She’s been very candid with him about how she believes he has checked out in their connection.

Plus it comes out a moment later, when she says to him,”It is not me that is the issue, it is you. You did not show up Tuesday, did you?” They had a dinner date in the home.

He sighs, pulls away, a few inches from her, while still staying in the display view. I can tell he is getting mad, feels almost embarrassed to be outed by his wife, particularly in front of me.   Maybe this was not such a fantastic idea, I imagine him thinking.

“I called. You knew I had a significant last-minute meeting that night. I would’ve been there when I could have.”

“Always do the job, always work, God forbid you can tell them you have a meeting in your home that you can’t skip. God forbid…”

“I do not beg na do this anymore,” he barks.

she says.

“It means I do not wish to fight you.”

“I am not fighting with you, I am merely stating the truth,” she says

My instinct would be to separate these two fighting cats. And yet I allow it to play out a little bit.

Listen, I do not want struggle like this, particularly in front of Stuart,” John says.

“Well, he wants to see what is happening between us, behind closed doors, is not that right?” Susan looks at me for validation.

A moment passes, then another.

It is quite embarrassing, painful, but a reality.  They’re in a dynamic countless couples act out daily.

“Okay, timeout. Can you take a deep breath?” I say.

This kind of interaction?”

I have them turn towards one another gently, look into each other’s eyes. This also is truth. They do it reluctantly

As they do, I know what I will say. With strong statements and questions, I will break through their own bubble.

“Both of you, right now while looking at each other, I would like you to ask yourself right here right now, think about this question I am going to ask you.  It is a question that I think will determine your future.”

I pause, permit the effect of what I have said to land.

“What do you like? To be right, to win the debate or to be connected and loved?” 

Their faces are stone-cold, no saying. They look away from one another, then back again.

“F*#k, this is so hard,” Susan says. “… and so crucial. Thank you. I have been a royal bitch, have not I?”

And no need to be that person to yourself,” I say. “So take a breath and see if there’s a space where you are able to forego self-judgment, Susan. You are just as hard on him as you’re on yourself. Light tears roll out from her eyes.

“Be in connection with yourself for a minute, Susan. That’s where the true gift lives. Find your way back to yourself.  And then when you are ready, bring it back to John.  Get relational, not righteous.  You know he’s trying, he is trying hard. Take it, nourish what he gives you, and if you are ready, see him”

I know John is trying. He has shown that in our weekly coaching calls.

The Reconnection

She looks up at him teary-eyed, starting to link, rather than clinging tightly to being correct.  She drops her sword and shield. This is so tough to do. And she does it. It is her work. She’s heroic at this moment.

They reconvene, with their eyes, beyond logic. Admitting themselves back to the soul of the relationship — being relational, loving rather than right.

This is a traditional switch from our logical fact-hungry left mind to our emotive intuitive right brain.  You may think of the left brain as the fighter, the right brain as the lover.  We are a lot more relational in our right brain.

And to get there, in the heat of battle, just ask this one question — Do I need to be right or do I would like to be loved?   And ask it of your spouse.

When taken into your heart, it immediately breaks through one’s defenses and helps both partners to get off the battle and back to each other’s graces.

John and Susan saw that. And they continued to use that very simple question for a long time to come.

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7 Tips to Help You Start Dating Again

Galia Pennekamp sees herself on a shared journey helping singles get back in the match, the old fashioned way, in person! After reentering the dating kingdom ten decades back, she can maintain a deep firsthand knowledge of the good, the bad, and the ugly of relationship now. She based SOMETHING IN COMMON, a theory focused on empowerment, changing habits, and above all, building relations with the appropriate individuals. Through a series of one-on-one and team training and organized private occasions, she prepares individuals for the dating scene, and attracts the dating scene direct to you in a manner that’s safe, approachable, and ultimately helps individuals find their own happiness. Whether you’re interested in one-on-one training, or only want to meet people, SOMETHING IN COMMON is for you.

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This Is the Reason a Relationship Needs to Be a Fair Game

Let’s face it — we can’t think everything must be black or white today.

We will need to accept that anything in the world we live in has grey areas–and so do our relationships. Fear not! It’s truly a fairly good balance, but for this to be so, we {} agree on such a reality.

Once we’ve acknowledged that belief, it all starts with self-acceptance. Therefore, what we consider our own true selves, and how we respect ourselves brings the lines and construction of our connection.

Once we’ve settled our own values and criteria comes the opportunity to consider how we want to deal with our love with a specific person we met at any stage.

Be prepared for it since we might follow some directions –such as when we were playing Monopoly–so we could finally be successful in creating strong bonds with this particular individual and make them last.

A connection is somewhat like a match. A game with directions. A game that’s supposed to have two winners.

Rather than competing, we’re encouraging an exceptional game with an exceptional teammate–the ideal teammate we might ever have. That game has rules, boundaries, and strategies, yet we ought to be certain that both people agree to the directions based on a win-win circumstance.

It needs to be a fair game that does not lead us our beloveds to be a hermit, that does not make them feel mistreated or not as powerful, which does not allow any control freak.

With that said, we should never {} that that individual can make us feel whole. If we do this, we may not feel happy for many, many years during our lives. Why?

Just because some relationships aren’t meant to be. Some relationships do not work any longer after a while.

And let’s be realistic hereif a separation needs to become official, if a divorce must be signed–What do we have left if we put our energies in this connection? What do we have left if we have always sacrificed our own needs to be able to adapt our partner’s needs first?

It’s nobody’s function to make us feel happy or accomplished in our lives, it’s our own duty before anything else. As a special individual, most of us have some issues to take care of. All of us have some concerns to consider. All of us have some issues to face… and that is a great deal for a human, is not it?

Thus, when it comes the opportunity to fulfilling that person, spending some time together, creating feelings for them, and sharing love together, we clearly do not expect this relationship to be an extra issue in our own lives (as we genuinely do not wish to give them a hard time.) We’re just prepared to live that love story of ours at the best conditions, and it’s in fact understandable.

Because of this, that individual who sincerely loves us makes us feel great, comfortable, calm, and all of the rest.

Yet, those”great” feels aren’t about our personal well-beings, but about the relationship per se.

The planet is made of a wide assortment of kinds of people. Nobody is the same, and we will need to accept the fact that you, him, her, and I think, speak, act, act, and feel otherwise. The world is moving ahead, and so are we and our fans. But again, it’s all on us to make a choice, and it’s our private jobs to inquire –Are we ready for this? Are we prepared to believe in it?

Most of us have different interests–thank God. Sometimes we meet people who enjoy the same things as ours. A few other times, we find individuals who do not share the same passions. This fact might be true in our relationship also, but it is okay; we do not have to fake it, we do not have to pretend anything.

Therefore, we do not need to step back because we do not like everything our partners enjoy or because they do not have the same hobbies as ours–we do not need to step back because they do not binge on Netflix or do not enjoy the Marvels.

We can’t criticize that someone for liking something that on our own we do not feel any significance for. Actually, we can’t blame them for anything. Period.

We’re in control of how we feel and how we wish to take care of our emotions. Thus, if something does not work out how we would like it to work, it’s because we’re confused in our beliefs (or we finally gave up.)

Again, we can’t put the blame on somebody else, and certainly not on that somebody. This rule works the other way around also.

But we do have the right to earn a stand. We do have the right to encourage them if this is what we want.

We’re the one in charge of making any choice for ourselves, in precisely the exact same manner as we are the one and only one to understand what our actual feelings are toward that person. And we should not lie to ourselves in this respect.

Listening to our heads without ignoring our hearts is something we have to take under account. While the latter communicates with us through emotions and feelings, our minds, at the contrary, always attempt to be reasonable. It is inclined to question ourselves (so you can be sure we get confused at some point.) So, here is what we will need to do: listen to both.

If we pick both of those, the end result may not wind up being great. It’s in fact hard work. It’s tough, demanding and very time-consuming. The procedure is very lengthy, if not endless, but it’s worth it. It’s definitely worth it.

Neither is love just a sense that brings us a few benefits or advantages in life is it only a feeling which makes us”love” ourselves. Love is nothing else than a sense we’ve got toward that someone and vice versa. And having the ability to follow our heads and our hearts may help us to love–love.

Our partners certainly have amazing sides yet, we must learn how to take their flaws because if we’re being honest here; nobody is ideal.

Neither them nor you (and certainly not me)–and it is all nice, it means we’re humans.

-From Mathilde Clemence Personne

A version of the post was formerly published on TheMindsJournal and is republished here with permission from the author.

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3 Simple Tests to See What Your Dating Is Truly Made Of

The quality and strength of our relationships could be quantified like anything else.

If you are aiming for longevity and a profound understanding of yourself and your spouse, you need to put yourself out there together to find out what your relationship is truly made of.

Can you pass the test of time?

This made me and my spouse argue, offend, and criticise each other.

If these kinds of behavior don’t fit in your preferred connection dynamic, then this isn’t for you.

If you can manage and dance with the flame, then you probably experienced some strength and progress in your relationship.

To paraphrase Mantak Chia, following the burning comes to ash it will become a good metal.

Here is a little group of tests to challenge you and determine where you’re!

1. Work together

My partner and I worked together on several different occasions. We made music videos and short movies, conducted retail shops and most recently, we worked together in a tavern!

Just to mention a few.

She is very precise and disciplined when working and I am more improvisational and people-oriented. So far as our egos are involved, this is a typical battle of the titans.

She is a woman and I am a man. That is enough of a difference alone.

She’s The Boss and I am The Dude.

And there are people around us. Our coworkers and clients.

This can put us in a very vulnerable location. It may result in intense pain if a person stands on a different one’s wound.

But there is a lesson to be learned or it’ll be repeated each time you clash.

When we argued after working from 8:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M. together, I learned that it is far better to just let it go sometimes. To accept the gaps.

To stop with dire rationalising and appreciate her distinctive perception.

At the end of the day, I put more value on the heritage of our relationship than on my own self.

It is an ultimate way to become familiar with your shadows and prepare for the entire approval of your lover.

2.

Travels can be boring and long. But journeys bring discoveries.

By way of instance, my spouse and I share a fear of flying.

It is a moment when pictures of death can pop up in our minds.

So here is my thought of relaxation for this specific moment.

If you’re able to say to yourself: I’d rather die here with my woman in a fucking plane crash than alone on a filthy street getting hit by a car or a lightning strike — that is a symptom of a true connection.

At least I am with her.

Or you could try something less extravagant if you like flying.

If you are bored after two hours of traveling with your lover, that is an indication you probably don’t know them.

Ask them to show the concealed secret they never told you about.

This talk could turn into a goldmine for your connection. What I like to practice in this instance is not to provide a meaning to my lover’s key, but just try to feel her view on experiencing it.

Live together

This is a clear one.

Dating and seeing each other sometimes can last but alive with each other makes you or breaks you.

There is no place for faking and bullshitting when you share your living area. Only if you are gonna live like two couch potatoes who don’t talk to each other and do not practice orgasmic sex.

Anita and I moved in together immediately after we began dating. This made us aware of our flaws and insecurities from the first beginning. We could not hide anything from each other after a year of living together.

The more our older masks dropped off, the more joy, warmth, compassion, amazing sex, and consciousness appeared in our own lives.

And allow me to confess here.

I snore like the most gigantic, hungry pig you can imagine. She tolerates this unbearable sound.

If she loves you like she loves me after snoring in her ear, then you have yourself a real thing.

Testing and challenging my connection from time to time keeps it fresh, live, and grounded.

There’s absolutely not any fullness of love without extending and experiencing pain from the past traumas.

Who is the better man to be by your side than your loved one? If he or she can’t except you on your fullness, it is time to proceed.

Oh, did I mention that our living together made me locate a sleeping position where I do not snore?

This post was previously published on P.S. I Love You and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

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If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

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A whole list of advantages is here.

Can your relationship stand the test of time?

The article 3 Simple Tests to See What Your Dating Is Truly Made from appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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Four Ways a Man Reveals His Love

I’m in a newish and fantastic relationship with a guy who gets me and makes me feel loved daily. He’s not the wine & dine, send flowers, buy gifts type of man. He’s a man who pays attention and says and does the easiest things that make my heart melt.

He’s supportive. When I am stressed out, he sees and hugs me and says,”I got you, you are not alone”. The strain disappears and is replaced with a hot rush of yummy feelings. He frequently asks,”How can I help?”

He’s consistent. We’ve created rituals that anchor our relationship in the middle of hectic work and family needs. Our java time and Friday Nights on the sofa are sacred. We honor and look forward to our regular check-ins through phone or text daily. The predictability makes me feel so close to him when he’s halfway across the world.

He’s empathetic. Frequently I share events that occurred or a new idea I’m noodling. He listens and always strives to comprehend. Even when I’m having difficulty identifying my feelings, he reflects my words so well that I gain clarity from his non-judgmental method of expressing himself. Sometimes I realize my time is not great,  I pause and say,”we can discuss this later”. In those cases, he always says,”I can tell this is valuable to you” and says”let us discuss this now”  or sets a time to talk afterwards. The cool thing is, he recalls and brings it up afterwards.

He’s the president of my fan club and I feel it daily. His unique words of encouragement fill up me and my cup runneth over. He understands my love languages and provides me daily doses of everything I need. His everyday words of affirmation and physical signature allow me to be the best version of myself. Sometimes it is as simple as a hand on my shoulder with”I think you’re amazing” or”nice ass” it’s the how and when that hits the mark every time.

I turn to him for reality-checks, information , laughter,  stillness and excitement.

It’s uncommon for me to just know that I am loved. It’s a new experience absent of this wondering, anxiety, and worry I have historically experienced.

I want to think {} fate, or God’s plan and maybe that is part of it, but I think {} a decision he and I make daily.

We make each other a priority, we make time for one another and we give each other space. 

Do you wish to increase your clarity and self-awareness?

To find out more and support in your Dating journey contact [email protected]

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How Significant is Self-Awareness for Guys?

 

Self-Awareness:  The New Buzzword

Self-awareness is the new buzzword in the business world–aimed especially at guys who wish to be leaders in their fields but find themselves lacking the leadership skills they have to work. Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist, tells us self-awareness is now the latest business management buzzword for good reason. [1] When we look at ourselves clearly, we’re more confident and more creative–creating sounder choice, communicating better, and building stronger business relationships.

Jennifer Porter, a managing partner in a leadership and staff development company, has a terrific take on self-reflection, which is how we can become more self-aware:

…The most useful reflection requires the conscious consideration and evaluation of faith and activities with the intention of learning. Reflection gives the brain a chance to pause admist the chaos, untangle and sort through experiences and observations, consider multiple possible interpretations and make meaning. This meaning becomes studying, which could then inform future mindsets and activities. [2]

If self-awareness is so crucial in our business relationships, why not in our romantic relationships?  Advice about self-awareness in romantic relationship frequently suggests setting aside time on a regular basis to get a self-assessment regarding values, daily tasks, life goals, etc.  Guys, particularly, will withstand this route toward self-awareness, using a bias toward action rather than contemplation; not seeing how this method contributes to a better connection, relying on”facts,” valuing intellect over feelings, not following through on a plan to meditate, etc..

We are in need of a new spin on the call for the type of self-reflection that generates the desired self-awareness.

What Are Your Triggers?

Rather than approaching self-awareness by some overall strategy about life preparation, how about a situation-specific plan –a way to recognize situations which are”triggers” to be self-reflective as opposed to reactive.

In supportive, intimate relationships disagreements and differences are often handled through a negotiation process which starts with”putting things on the table” so that the spouses can see where the gaps are.  The top negotiations lead to”win-win” results such that each spouse’s wishes and desires are heard and honored from the outcome. [3]

They often begin as a request, a remark, a difference, a debate.    However, soon you aren’t speaking to each other–you’re yelling, averting, speaking over each other, etc.  When this occurs, issues won’t be resolved because you’re making assumptions that are concealed and the ideas and feelings you are strong and negative.

The first clue that you’re setting yourself up for a battle with your spouse/partner is how you’re feeling.  If you are feeling angry with your partner, you’re set to blame her, e.g.,”I am angry because you aren’t doing your fair share.”  In this circumstance, something she did (or failed to do) has”induced” one to be mad at her.  You think that it is”normal” for you to be mad because she didn’t do what she’d agreed to do.

This scenario of believing your partner caused you to be mad (or fearful or hurt) and describing this as normal is actually your role in creating a battle.  While this angry reaction may be”reflexive,” calling it”normal” simply justifies your response.

The best way to solve conflict is for every individual to become self-reflective and personally accountable for his/her role in the breakdown of the interaction available.  Here are the steps you can take to raise your self-awareness to be able to prevent completely or resolve conflicts in your romantic relationship.

Boost Your Emotional Intelligence.  You know that anger and dread prepared you for a fight or flight response.  Daniel Goleman, who introduced the concept of emotional intelligence, perspectives such emotions as a “quick response system” that compels you to respond without proper reflection on what is happening. [4] Remember that anger and anxiety are related to the discharge of epinephrine (adrenaline), norepinephrine, and dopamine, all of which ready you to fight or flee.

Psychiatrist David Viscott describes all the ways we camouflage our anger by expressing it as being upset, miffed, teed off, irked, annoyed, angry, enraged, and burnt. [5] Stress can be expressed as being fearful, edgy, jittery, nervous, stressed, helpless, insecure, uptight, nervous, having cold feet, and getting the shakes.  These are the words we use generally to avoid copping to being angry or fearfulto divert.

Developing emotional intelligence means being aware of your own”fast response system.”  You have to own it.

Understand Your Personal Take on the Circumstance.  Goleman states that due to this”quick response system,” you may make a fast interpretation of what is going on between you and your partner.  This will be a personalized interpretation based more on your own history than on the present situation.  We all bring our personal histories (painful and happy ) with us to our union.  Whenever your personal history influences your view of this circumstance, you may describe your spouse’s actions in perspective of what it means to you personally rather than clarify it.

Say you come home for work one day, ready to fix dinner with your wife.  You find out that she’s not gone grocery shopping on the way home as she had agreed to do.  She would like to go out to eat!  Your fast response system goes into action and you say,”I am so mad that you aren’t doing your fair share of the work.”  You might even add something like–“You’re such a shirker!”  Your partner will seldom, if ever, experience her actions in precisely the exact same manner that you describe it.  She just changed her mind!  The feeling of”unfairness” in this instance is the personal experience of this circumstance.

Characterizing an action isn’t the exact same thing as explaining it.  Characterizing is not about the event–her not going into the store–it is about a private selves!  And, characterizing your spouse’s action will certainly excite her counter-reaction and counter characterization (“You’re such a bully!”) .  Now, it’s a full-fledged conflict!

Here are some examples of the distinction between describing what occurs and characterizing what happens.

WHAT SPOUSE DID HOW YOU CHARACTERIZED IT
She didn’t attend me in how I wanted She ignored me
She spent money on things that she wanted She’s selfish
She checked her phone when we were speaking She’s so self-centered
She wants to have sex more often than I do She’s a sex-addict
She didn’t consider my view She treats me like a second class-citizen

 

Being Accountable

 Being accountable means using your self-awareness to communicate better with your partner — acknowledging that you’re reacting not interacting.  Being accountable means knowing that your words and actions have a direct impact on others, on your partner.

Self-awareness will build a stronger connection with your spouse if you are able to recognize when you’re angry, irritated, peeved, hurt, angry, or angry at her–recognizing that you’re reacting reflexively.  Know that without reflecting on what’s occurring, you may quickly and automatically characterize her as with some negative trait that caused her to behave badly toward you (she’s selfish, lazy, bossy, cluttered, inconsiderate, emasculating, and on and on). She won’t ever agree with such a characterization!

What’s the Payoff?

Self-reflection helps you determine the issue at hand.  The self-awareness attained by self-reflection leads you to describe your concerns to your partner instead of characterizing her actions or lack of action.  Characterizing is never positive once you’re reacting–it’s always negative–and likely to provoke a reaction-in-kind.  You may negotiate a debate or difference about what happened when it’s described.  You don’t negotiate conflict! You retaliate for a perceived personal salvation!

Like our company consultants point out, when you see yourself more clearly–recognize when you’re reacting instead of interacting–you’ll make sounder decisions, communicate better, and do your part in building a more satisfying relationship with your spouse/partner.

  • Self-awareness in company help leaders become optimistic, communicate better, and build stronger relationships.
  • Self-awareness has the identical effect in your intimate relationship.
  • A fresh approach to attaining self-awareness is to identify your trigger scenarios by paying attention to if you’re angry, anxious, or hurt.
  • Self-reflection permits you to describe a issue not characterize your partner in negative terms.
  • Characterizing your partner is provocative.

 

 

 

References

 

Harvard Business       Review.

  1. Porter, Jennifer. “Why You Need To Be Time for Self-Reflection (Even if You Hate Doing It). Harvard Business Review. March 21, 2017.  https://hbr.org/2017/03/why-you-should-make-time-for-self-reflection-even-if-you-hate-doing-it.
  1. Aponte, Catherine E. (2019) A Marriage of Equals: How to Achieve Balance in a Committed Relationship. Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books, 1995. The Language of Feelings. (n.p.) Priam Books, 1976.

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