She Wants to Talk, Do You Want to Listen?


Hell no. Hell yeah. You better listen.

We are going to get there but, what happens inside of you when she states,”I want to talk”?

For many men, it is, Uh, oh, I am in trouble, again?

How’s this possible? You never get it right? I often wondered during two decades of marriage.

Whether you listen or not, the conversation is coming. So she sticks to it.

You are not emotionally present.
You are not on her staff.
You are not around enough.
Whatever you need is sex.

Everything gets mixed into the girl bitching tape in mind. And you begin drifting.

And now, she is even more frustrated because she sees you are gone. “Are you even listening?” Then you wonder, Jeez, can not you see I am trying?

  • Why does this cycle perform so often for us as guys?
  • Why does she {} talk?

First, would you like to do anything differently? Do you love this girl? Or are you simply paying dues not to be alone in life?

Know this; it is called your”buy-in element. ” It is where you get to anchor to what she means to you. Nobody forces you to maintain relationship. Own it.

Second, notice your response. In the moment she asks you to speak, ask yourself, How am I doing? Can I jacked up? Can I really listen at this time? Can I have the bandwidth?

Perhaps you just came home from work and you are exhausted. Or you are just caught off guard.

“Babe, I wish to hear what you need to say. Can we speak in a half hour?” Or perhaps you suggest tomorrow.

Know this also; you can not be there for her if you are not there for yourself. This is known as your autonomy. You’re a different being from her. Honor your freedom with self-care; it serves her also. And you have now modeled it for her too.

Third, is she prepared to honor your freedom?

“Sure, tomorrow could be fine.” Or does she just whine? “No! I want to talk now! You never make time for me!”

Know which woman you’re with. It’ll change your life.

So, let’s say you took some time. You showered, cleared your mind. A half hour has passed. You’re prepared to listen actively — not considering solutions or ways to fix her.

You this…

Very quickly, it happens again. Anxiety rises. You feel suffocated. The exact same old script runs in you, I can not do so — screwed again. However, this time, you notice it. And instead, you turn out your very best weapon yet.

And as you have read this (or something like it), you know that it’s not her who is the issue. Someone else gets you triggered. Can you guess who?

… drumroll please… no peaking… Can you summit?

…it is… the little boy in you. The boy you once were. The boy who did not get enough attention when you were a child. The boy who feels like he is being trampled on by her.

He is freaking out because he worries you are going to abandon him again. You’ll have a look at from keeping him safe, all caught up in her and her problems.

He feels completely sidelined by her because she has so many needs (so he believes ). And he freaks out. It is no wonder that she feels like she is in the room with just a small boy and not a man.

The freak out, the anxiety, it is all inside of you, it is the boy.

Zen priest state, the best hell is the hell inside of you. Okay, I am no Zen priest, but you get the point.

Yes, it sounds crazy but it works; it’s again and again with my customers and myself for decades.

And the conversation is as straightforward as this:”Hey little man, you are okay. We’re okay. She is freaking out, not us. We are fine.”

And yes, while she is talking, you are having this conversation with your little boy. However, it’s in service to you and her — to get back in the room with her.

Unexpectedly, space opens inside you. The little boy does not feel hijacked and you are available to listen. The guy is back.

At 10 minutes into her speaking (set a timer if need be), you request a breather, so that you can reflect back what she said for you. You want to be certain you got it right. After all, your objective is to listen to her.

She pauses for a moment, taken from her play and neurosis. And she realizes there is not. She feels heard. She relaxes on your manly awesomeness.

And it dawns on you, Holy shit, this was a test. A sincere genuine evaluation. She was really wondering, Is my husband (partner) in my team?

She’s happy. You didn’t fail her. You’re a rock star.

And, of course that isn’t your goal, but you may find a little loving afterwards– the very best in months or even years.

Rock on.

So remember BAT. Simple enough.

Buy in.
Autonomy.

Know of another man (or woman) who could benefit from this?

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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How Can She Love You Once You Hate Yourself


“I know, I know, I am supposed to love myself,” a customer says to me. “Find more self respecting and self-trust. But in fact, I just want more than anything to discover deep connection with a spouse.

I hear this from a number of my male customers.

Felix pauses. He looks me over.

When he actually says this, I respond,”Why do you feel you are supposed to love yourself?”

I understand it, in my gut, from years of connections. Her love can not compensate for the love I do not have for myself.”

Knowledge without mastery is similar to a key with no door.

“I mean in the beginning, it is great and all. I feel completely filled with her. And as time passes… anyhow, you know the story… the same old me creeps back in. The person who’s discontent, discovering flaws in her, frustrated that she begins taking me for granted, not seeing me how she did, etcetera, etcetera. I’m hooked on the first part of things, you know, the rush, and then… it is always the same.”

“So you ache for something you have never been able to achieve,” I say.

“Fuck Yes!”

The second is thick with tragic irony. He laughs. I laugh. To get a splinter of time, it is not so heart-numbingly excruciating. Laughter gives him space.

“Imagine if you took the fire and energy of the’Fuck Yes!’ And brought it back to yourself”

He ponders this. I give him an opportunity to sink deeper into the question. I sense he knows the way to do it bring back the energy to himself.

He shuts his eyes. A minute passes, then another. He speaks.

“I have been checking out from myself for many years for a fantasy I don’t even think in. The fantasy of The One. I do it because I am lazy. I don’t wish to do the job to love myself. Why should I? I do not even know if I enjoy myself.”

BAM! I let the gravity of the final statement land. Can he remain in self-pity or move himself forward? A couple of minutes pass. He’s frozen.

“So you do not know if you enjoy yourself,” I say.

He does not respond. It would be easy to ask why and get all the details of his self-loathing, but for now, I am more interested in the effect of it.

“You know as well as I do, that in case you don’t enjoy yourself…”

“I know. I understand… how is someone else supposed to like or love me?” He becomes angry, short tempered.

“God damn it”

He starts breathing deeply, sighing, emitting sounds of distress. He is working himself hard.

After some time, I say,”Can you find the internal war going on in you?”

He looks up, eyes glassy, face flushed.

“Felix, you understand the failings of connection as you have pursued it previously. You know that nobody can love you enough to compensate for you not enjoying yourself. You said it. Not me. And yet, you reside in a reality where you always tell yourself that you should enjoy yourself when in actuality, you…”

He completes the sentence before I could.

With this understanding comes a peace, a reprieve, the reality. I see relief on his face. He is no more hiding behind the false mandate of how he should love himself.

Felix’s problem isn’t about self-love. It is about pulling the plug on the inner war inside of him. It is about accepting his self-loathing and moving forward from that point. Asking himself Is this how I need to live my life?

While, for sure, there would be deeper work to comprehend where his loathing came out, for today it is about seeing clearly the playing area of his inner system and working from there.

The unwinding of self-loathing is a far deeper practice than loving one’s self.

Will he do the job?

Find a guide, mentor, coach or therapist who can help you cut through your blind spots. The price is too good to wait.

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

◊♦◊

Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

◊♦◊

If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

A whole list of advantages is here.

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here