10 Signs You Are Emotionally Wounded That No One Notices

You cry easily over little things.

Whenever you have psychological wounds, it is for you to be in tears because you always feel the pain within yourself. You may cry over books or movies and you become emotional when you see something which touches your heart. When you end up crying too much, listen to your internal well-being as it may be a sign that you are hurting inside.

2. You eliminate interest towards the things you used to enjoy.

Emotional wounds will make it tough to concentrate and focus on the things you used to do. You’ll be demotivated as your negative emotions are probably more in charge than you understand. The more you do nothing, the more you’ll feel the pain of your emotional wounds.


Having psychological wounds will make you triggered emotionally by people’s behaviours around you. The emotional wounds that you have had will force you to stay away from interactions with others and it results in social withdrawal. Even though having an excellent time with yourself is important, bear in mind that being open with other people can also help you reduce the pain of your emotional wounds.

4. You feel unworthy and impossible .

Having emotional wounds will almost certainly make you look back on yourself and feel unworthy. You may blame yourself and feel dumb for being hurt so much. You’ll also feel hopeless and broken beyond repair. When you feel like you’re at the lowest point of your life, try to reach those folks that are really close to you. Let yourself be cared for and loved, because social support could boost your self-esteem and make you feel better with your own circumstances.

5. You keep replaying the terrible memories in mind.

When you can not overlook a painful experience on your past and it keeps replaying in mind, there is a risk that it has come to be one of your emotional wounds. Your inability to forget a painful experience is in fact a sign that you ought to acknowledge that adventure and accept the harm. Try to identify and search for the reasons why it made you hurt so much and accept being hurt because of the experience is wholly okay and normal.

6. You feel too much until you are numb.

The majority of the time, your emotional wounds are so debilitating it makes you feel instead. You may go through the day almost on autopilot that makes you care less about your environment. You do not feel sad or happy; you just exist, but you do not feel alive. Your numbness is in fact your coping mechanism to endure from your emotional wounds. Attempt to regulate your emotions because it might also be a coping mechanism for lowering your emotional distress.


You overthink since you don’t want to get hurt again. Therefore, you may feel that it is important that you think and control everything about you and instead of feeling better, your overthinking habit will make your psychological wounds even worse.

8. You get a chaotic sleep program.

Due to your overthinking habit towards your emotional wounds, it is going to not be easy for you to fall asleep at night. Your mind will be filled with ideas and the night is normally the time when you’ll feel so desperate, lonely, and depressed. Your sleep schedule will change as it is difficult for you to sleep at night and you’re going to overcompensate through the day.

9. You feel stuck and helpless.

Emotional wounds may also make you feel so lost and confused. You may feel like you have nowhere to go and no one can truly heal your wounds. You’ll have so many negative self-talks inside of you and your head is usually tangled all of the time. Try to restrain your confusion and untangle your ideas by writing in a diary and remember to take it one day at a time.

10. You realize that you will need to be healed.

Even though it’s difficult for you to describe it to others, you just feel as though you’re broken inside and you understand precisely what you will need to be healed. You will search for many distractions to get over your emotional wounds and as time goes by, you may understand that they will not be cured within one night. Having psychological wounds is completely okay as long as you admit and admit it. Look for some cathartic actions to heal your wounds like writing, playing music, meditating, and doing sports.

In the long run, no matter how painful your wounds are, you will heal and get over it sooner or later. You’re doing okay.

A version of the post was formerly published on TheMindsJournal and is republished here with permission from the author.


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Having psychological wounds is completely okay as long as you admit and admit it.

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Dividing Against Yourself Sucks

Today, a story about the best anguish — forgetting who we are.

The Client

Tim comes into my office. He’s torn up inside. He’s been married for several years. But… something’s not perfect.

He says that his wife is a sweet man, great to him, and a terrific mother to his children. And he says,”I’m miserable. And I have not the slightest clue as to why.

We talk for a little. Very quickly, it’s apparent that we are getting nowhere. He is completely stuck in his mind, swirling in his guilt with what a terrible guy he is, for being unhappy with such a fantastic family.

I wonder, should I get out the boxing gloves and pads? Change things up with this man?  Perhaps he can beat the shit out of the demon he feels inside of himself.

Rather, I have him get up and stretch his body, move around. Anything to escape his head. I have him perform several minutes of jumping jacks to change his energy.  Sometimes the mind is a tyrant that only circles itself.

After the motion, we stay standing. I see he’s more relaxed, even milder energetically. “A little workout during a training session,” he says. “Bonus.” He laughs.

I ask him to remain standing, feel his breath, through his or her body.  I direct him to take complete body breaths, from head to toe and then back down.

The Change

We sit down again and suddenly he is more alive. He’s prepared to step in with more bandwidth to research his unhappiness and his union, without so much painful self-judgment. He is opening to himself.  He is no more dividing against himself.

Maybe he states,”I want to explore other associations, other freedoms in my own life, take space and time away from my loved ones.” At the notion of it, his face glows.

I make no conclusions. At least, his energy is shifting. He has more access to parts of himself that he was formerly shutting down.

Needless to say, I don’t encourage him to go have an affair. I have often said, if you can not make one woman happy, how are you going to make numerous women contented?

I’m amazed at his change and not, since I see it often how a person gets much more access to themselves, once they eliminate their moralistic and judgmental perceptions of these. Neutralize the brutal inner critic.

Tim is no longer thinking about what a terrible guy he is for not enjoying his loved ones. He’s actually beginning to think what a fantastic guy he is for loving himself. And while an affair or big trip away probably will not be the avenue to supreme happiness, it is an avenue to get parts of himself against which he is divided.

The Debrief

Yes, all of us have crazy ideas, not all of which we will need to act on. But how can we get the energy of these thoughts and incorporate them into our own lives, rather than judging and dividing from ourselves?

I have heard it said often and I lived it for a long time — that the best suffering is dividing from one’s self.  It happens every day and if it does, we neglect the requirements of our soul.

It can occur in an office, sitting all day, feeling agitated, not understanding why, in front of a computer all day. It can occur in a relationship, feeling grumpy over nothing.

And we benefit greatly if we find a way back to ourselves in the hardest moments.  And it may be as straightforward as yeah, this sucks, I feel separated from myself, and I am OK.

Tim leaves our session, not booking a plane ticket to Honolulu or Guatemala, but conscious that he wants to give himself more time and energy and space. He can not be so hard on himself and then project his distress onto his union.

“It is me, not her. I’m the person who’s messed up,” he says. Ironically, he is glowing. And not ironic because he is back in his power to do something about it.  He’s no more dividing against himself, beating himself up for his own distress.

And for this, he’s a better man for everybody around him — his spouse, his family, and his friends.

Do you know a fighting man who needs help? There are many people out there. Are you that guy, going it alone? Get help today.

Previously Released on stuartmotola.com


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When Your Partner is not The Issue, Perhaps You Are

It was classic one finger pointing at my spouse, three pointing back at me.

The Problem

Man, I was pissed off. For the second time in a week, she changed plans. Then she decided she couldn’t meet me, as intended.  Damn, it was her idea in the first location.

She left me one of these voice text-memos. “Listen, I’m headed home. I want some time alone. I hope you will come by later.” I wasn’t even part of her choice.

And who feels the effect?

Speaking My Truth 

And then I thought, I want to tell her truth. This isn’t working for me. I really don’t feel like a priority for you.

She wants to know where I stand. I have been enjoying”flexible nice man” and it is not serving me. No more withholding.

Damn! Relationships are such a pain in the ass.

I begin recording a voice memo back to her.

“Hey babe, that did not work for me. For you to send me a voice memo and then go home. We had plans and besides… it does not feel right for me to now drive to you… and also…”

She said she wants some alone time. I don’t need to dump this on her today. I delete the voice memo.

I take a breath. Damn, I am jacked up.

I toss the telephone on a table. Shit, I do not know what to say to her. I pick up the telephone. I text a reply –“Got it. TTYL.”

I am proud of not escalating, making something from nothing. However, it is not nothing. Then, what is it?

I want some time. I am able to reply in one hour. Let her have her time. I want to determine what’s happening inside of me.

I tap in. It is clear to me. I’m angry.  And I know that under anger is frequently sadness.  I am sad, disappointed that I didn’t get an opportunity to see her.

I feel some more, I think, Did I tell her to call me before she made her choice? I believe it further. Shit, I did not. I advised her to come by or text me. I wasn’t very clear.

In actuality, I understand, I advised her to care for herself and allow me to know what she chose. I was being my classic, flexible nice man. A mask I have worn often previously. A pleaser, a caretaker…before my mad jerk shows up.

Wow! Instantly, my jacked-upness deflates, like hot air gushing out of a balloon. I feel relieved, humbled, and even proud for pausing and viewing things.  Old patterns die hard, but with work die nonetheless.

I was pissed off at myself for not advocating for what I wanted. And I was ready to dump it {} , in the guise of”speaking my truth.”

I laugh. What an great realization.   A large mistake to educate me, to not wear the wonderful man / mr. trendy”all great” mask. But instead, to talk for what I need — respectfully. Superior stuff. I smile.

The Debrief 

So, what’s the takeaway here?  Just how easy it is to project at our partner exactly what we’re avoiding in ourselves.  And what a superpower in order to do otherwise.

A couple of questions to ask yourself the next time you are in conflict.

  • What am I upset about?
  • Is it at myself for not behaving a particular way?
  • How would I do the interaction differently next time?

The point is that we can always do better.  Ultimately, our best powers lie in the way we appear, not in how we could alter or control our spouse.   Sure, we could create requests.

And… love yourself when you screw up.  The comparison is moping, beating yourself up, and then projecting it in your relationship.

Remember, each of us is fully responsible for the connection, not one another.

And finally, it is not conflict in relationship that is the issue, but one’s inability to take care of it skillfully.

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Previously Released on stuartmotola.com


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7 Ways You Ruin Your Chances of Getting the Love You Really Want

After reentering the dating kingdom ten decades back, she can maintain a deep firsthand knowledge of the good, the bad, and the ugly of relationship now. She based SOMETHING IN COMMON, a theory focused on empowerment, changing habits, and above all, building relations with the appropriate individuals. Through a series of one-on-one and group training and organized personal occasions, she prepares individuals for the dating scene, and attracts the dating scene direct to you in a manner that’s safe, approachable, and finally helps individuals find their own happiness. Whether you’re interested in one-on-one training, or only want to meet people, SOMETHING IN COMMON is for you.

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When I Feared Being A Bad Man

That night, all those years ago, I sat on the fantasy bed in the dream home, totally confused. I had no idea I was being called to an initiation.

However, something mysterious tugged at me, challenging me to move away from my union, and be prepared to eliminate everything as I understood it. But I was suspended.

Certainly, my life had become a nightmare, and yet, I was incapable of making modifications. The initiatory journey confronted me in a way I feared.

I was fearful of betraying my wife, being a poor guy and”not on her staff,” but it was getting impossible to deny that things had to change.

For years, I denied the call for change, the call to adventure, as mythologist Joseph Campbell called it. I danced with it, understood it had been in the room with me, and engaged it in a manner that hardly kept my head above water.

Lots of men and women deny the call by numbing themselves with alcohol, pot, porn, or work. In my case, I had spent years leaning in my pain, like a boxer seeking salvation with every blow absorbed.

For mepersonally, the numbing came in the form of masochism, a dance in chains, a leaning in my own distress, a martyrdom.  Look at me, I am meeting it head on to be a better person — when in truth I had been in denial of my psychological reality.  I was miserable and suffering to the point of fatigue and a nervous breakdown.

At the heart of darkness, I ran hard to be strong for my loved ones, working, cleaning, cooking, balancing the majority of the logistics for our son. When time allowed, late at night or early in the morning, I secluded myself into my guy cave in our cellar, a psychological-spiritual isolation room where I’d set up a personal space and altar.

A religious man on a religious mission, I journaled, processed, did shadow function, self-coached, and read Rumi, Hafiz, and Kabir, decided to create meaning from my suffering. I engaged my distress, safe in procedure and reluctant to act.

If I’m strong enough, religious enough, soulful enough, I will get through this and be larger later, I told myself.  I will honor my family, my wife will get well, and we’ll live happily ever after, stronger in the end for it all.

It seemed noble and in accord with my epic male programming. Rescue the damsel in distress. Be strong for your loved ones. Be a man. In fact, I had been a naïve man hoping to be a superhero.

Spiritual athleticism, poet Robert Bly called it in the poetry anthology The Rag and Bone Shop of The Heart.  Attempting to be in the mountain top when you are at the base. A denial of fact.

My strategy was self-destructive. Since I didn’t have the guts to speak the truth of my emotions, I co-opted my wife’s illness for the sole gain I could imagine — my personal growth.

She became a job through which I could cure my heart wounds. In my religious practice, I sought to transform resentment into gratitude. I tried to make light from darkness, jewels from hardship.

And while I felt that the mild and grappled with my shadow, the stones did not materialize.  I had forgotten the most important thing — to listen to my own spirit.  In fear of neglecting my loved ones, I dismissed what my soul desired of meto leave my wife.

To avoid this hard truth, I used spirituality to skip anger and dread. I became a strong wimp, a spouse hater and a momma’s boy, needy for my wife’s love and signature.

I was deep in the mother wound, shifting the mother-pleasing behaviour of my childhood to my wife. Do not mad momma became synonymous with do not upset your spouse. I had been unconscious, uninitiated and lacking guides and mentors.

No wonder it got really bad before I replied my soul’s call.

Previously Released on StuartMotola.com


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The Three A’s of a Successful Relationship: Affection, Care and Affirmation

Today is October 4th, and the Feast of St Francis of Assisi.

Let us look at a segment from the famous, Prayer of  St. Francis:

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love.

Consider adopting and practicing the belief that “it is in giving that we receive” on your relationship and you’ll probably experience the magic that’s love. 

Console method to comfort someone in a time of disappointment or despair. 

Try approaching your partner with the closeness, listening and availability which allows them to feel secure, heard and seen.  

Let them know they can depend on you. Tell them, “I got you”. 

Understand method to get an intended meaning. 

Try approaching your partner with fascination, nonjudgment and open-ended questions. Ask them,”why is this important for you?” and listen. If you don’t know keep asking questions. 

Enjoy means to have a fantastic interest in or powerful feeling for someone. 

Try showing love by loving your partner they way they prefer to be adored.

I feel loved when I get the three A’s- affection, affirmation and attention. 

St. Francis of Assisi loved people and animals. He asks us to care for and treat all living things with respect and love. 

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Men, Tears, and Strength

Something opens in him. He can not hold in his pain. His heart hurts. His wife has left him. Or he’s left her. In any event, he grieves.

Men cry. I see this frequently in my job.  Contrary to common belief, they are powerful guys. Strong enough to…

Trust others to assist them.
Visit the scary places inside.

These aren’t men who crumble into a whole mess and can not pick up themselves for months or years later. That is a Hollywood cliché, designed frequently for entertainment purposes, not reality.

The reality is a man who cracks open out of his anger, through his rage, and to his tears, to resurface with a brightness, simplicity, and strength — a light that was not there before.  This man has a courage that’s frequently not viewed in the public eye.

This man gets it when I say to him –“Feel the hurt.

And it’s here, stripped from his armor, a man answers the call of his heart, of what the world hungers for from men — their complete loving hearts.

Strong AND loving.
Consistent AND flexible.

Stripped of self love, bare of machismo, at his {} ground zero, a man starts the job of rebuilding himself.  Here he frees himself of prior resentments, judgements, and arrogance, so as to be relational and romantic with his spouse, his loved ones, and the world. Giving weight, bringing into balance, his relational character with his transactional character.

It begins with his tears.

Until then, until he gets to the source of his own pain, he hobbles around, emotionally crippled, half a human being, including a time bomb inside. That is… until he can not contain it anymore.

In his splitting open, a man may go to where…

He fears most.
He had been programmed NOT to go.
He faces his fears of”being weak, a sissy, or a wimp.”

In the passing of his previous programming, he might be born to a different way of being a guy. He might understand his tenderness is an untapped strength. And he might reevaluate his tears frequently to tap the well.

He has to feel his harm so as to develop strength and compassion, to maintain the hurt of his spouse .

And only then can he be completely trustworthy to her. Only then can he be the guy she dreams of. Only then can he…

Stand in the fire.
Stay calm when she cannot.
Hold her when she’s struggling.

And it’s here, a question that girls frequently ask me gets answered.

“How come my guy is so closed down?”

I often say, he was raised to be that way for a boy. He was educated feeling…

Stress makes him a”wimp.”
Joy makes him “gay.”

He had been raised in”The Man Box.” * A limited container, limiting him to a restricted assortment of emotions.  It began at age five or even sooner — at school on the playground or at home with his dad or brother.

“Be a man.”

“Do not cry.” **

The Man Box dilutes his gifts as an adult man. Compromises his accessibility to empathy, patience, love, kindness, existence, and a selection of emotions.  From The Person Box, he resides in a black and white world, his liberty to live as an enlivened, lively man badly handicapped.

To escape The Man Box, he should fight… till his death, until his old means of masculinity dies.  And he can reclaim his psychological life.

But he will not go there until it is clear his present life is obviously no longer functioning. Until crisis hits. Until he loses things and family members. Until he pops his tears.

What he needs to realize is this.

“Only boys keep their lips dry.
Only boys are scared to cry.
-Rain, Vachel Lindsay

Tears are a present.

Tears are peacemakers.

Tears bring peace to a person’s oppressed heart.
Tears raise his rate of survival.
Tears strengthen his bond to other people.

Tears of the heart include the compound leucine-enkephalin, an endorphin that reduces pain and improves mood. ***

Tears don’t rob a man of his masculinity. In actuality, they enhance his masculinity.  By heartbreak, he learns his healthful powers of assertion, supplanting old patterns of violent aggression.

Tears don’t make a man a woman. They make him an emotionally richer and more empathic man. A man to whom the world can relate.  A guy who can fight for what is right in the world, rather than just what is ideal for his pocket .

Tears allow a man to maintain strong connection with himself, so as to maintain strong relationship with his spouse, his loved ones, and the entire world. Yes, back to self-relationship for healthy venture.

I’ve shed many tears. Over the last five decades, particularly. Enduring and fighting older selves that had to die. Ritualizing grief in passing. Crying tears for life.

The death of a marriage.
The passing of a career.
The near death (amputation) of a leg.
The passing of a Nation.

Gently washed off the muck in my soul, begging to be cleansed.

Previously Released on stuartmotola.com


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What’s Love?

Love is a strange thing.

Love has come and gone {} my life span, and I have experienced many types of it.

Looking back, I can remember my “first love” (crush!) ; a girl in college who paid me absolutely no attention whatsoever, but that did not stop me from fantasizing about what our life together is like when we were older.

Then there was my first online love; a blonde-haired woman from Florida. Her mind was sharp, and her humor was razor-edged. She had no romantic feelings for me however, I was only a friend!

Then there was the girl I traveled to Malta to fulfill. Boy, that was tacky love. This was a new type of love. She was the first woman that I had been in a relationship with that had taken me the entire nine yards. It came to pass that I found out she had another guy on the side also.

That was mad love.

Then I found real love.

I am not here to define what love should be for anyone else so I will say it was the best love that I could have for my well-being. It was a love I had never experienced before; it had been all those preceding loves in precisely the exact same package — but one additional love; I believed it was reciprocated. I felt it back.

All that I had been giving her I was getting back. It was and is remarkable.

See, I have heard a great deal about love through deep reflection through the years. 1 thing I have discovered is that we often love each other in the ways we’ve been shown in youth. The ways that our parents loved us is the manner by which we love ourselves and the people around us. I learned some excellent things about love through my parents, and a few not so wonderful.

Mum was a fighter; she hated liars and cheats. Mum would walk into the ends of the earth for people that she enjoyed and often found herself in trouble because of that exact same trait. She gave her spouse thousands of dollars to begin his own organization. The less I talk about that, the better.

I was shown great selfless love by my mom; to forget and give, to love and to cherish — but terrific Yang does not come without equal quantities of the Yin. See, mum was a remarkably unconfident young lady. She was placating to others so that they would like her as a person. She didn’t possess the self-confidence to enjoy herself on her own — and both of that awesomeness, and the not-so-awesomeness transcended on me, and I carried on the family tradition.

I’d boundless love to give — but at a cost. I did amazing favors for everybody — but emotionally chalked up in my mind as”owed in future” — love for me was conditional. Offend my morality and you would end up in the doghouse.

Needless to say, since this was all that I knew or knew I thought in my youthful naivety that was love throughout the board. This is how folks adore and love back.

When a young boy (or girl) moves into puberty they change needing to obtain approval from their mother and dad, and add a new element in; it is dreadfully important to get approval from their peers; their school mates, their friendships they build out of school — and this is part of the reason why adolescence is extremely stressful. It is no easy ride.

And through all this, we reach out to individuals with similar conditions to our own. If you examine all your friendships throughout the years, you will realize that each individual has a shared scenario that you have bonded together over. And many (if not all) connect with individuals to similar mentalities and mindsets to one another. That is why the jocks seldom hang out with the nerds in school — there is very little cross within that section.

Thus, it’s very difficult. Very tough to see beyond my conditional mindset when all I’ve understood is my love, and that’s been reinforced through my loved ones, and my friendships circles. It can be quite tough to open your mind to anything else.

Through the past ten years, I have gone on a trip. I have sat and listened to a lot of men and women. Just listened. And each and every time I believe I have the notion of love nailed down someone comes along and blows my thoughts from the water.

It’s simply not consistent enough. Life is highly diverse, and through profound personal experiences, people love in very different manners. I have seen people that love each other through contending every night, and the very next day they’re happy again — it’s all they have known. Us? My spouse and I are likely weirdos to them.

“All silent and lovey and shit, something isn’t right there.”

So, I shy away when folks tell me how love should be. They do not get to define that for me, or for anybody else for that matter. Life is varied and different and mostly mad. As I grow older, I am more and more about the celebrating rather than the telling.

Only you can tell if it is love for you. You know. You’ll know whether you’re happy, or if something is not perfect.

Build on that!


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Dealing with a person with Histrionic Personality Disorder

once we give in to someone or placate them, we are not helping them to develop and we are acting contrary to our values and beliefs to maintain the peace.

When you’ve got a relative or partner with Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), stepping back might not be an option. However you might not need to if you recognize how to maintain strength and bounds in the connection. Like anything else in life, once we understand fully what we’re dealing with, we can understand how we would like to engage, react, or step back from a circumstance.

When we give in to someone or placate them, we are not helping them to develop and we are acting contrary to our values and beliefs to maintain the peace. Position one’s ground is challenging and may feel overwhelming, however in such scenarios, you can’t lose your identity or undermine it for somebody else.

This movie explains how to understand and correctly deal with somebody with Histrionic Personality Disorder. Knowing the signs of HPD is vital to understanding what you are honestly dealing with. If you missed last week’s article about the best way best to recognize HPD you can find it HERE.

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Escaping Traditional Masculinity Might Be the Bravest Thing a Man Can Do

Cry-baby. Both of these heart-wrenching words that men are advised as small boys, and as they grow up to be well — men, their self, and real emotions become suppressed.

I talk in fact, as a thirty-something-year-old girl that there’s nothing sexier than a guy living in his raw, emotionally naked self. It’s what builds for trust and connection in a profound, long-lasting, and romantic relationship. I don’t like to guess what you’re thinking, feeling, or what it is that you truly want. As your partner, I’m there to listen. 

Please bare it all! I wish to know what I’m up against, what I could take, not take, and what I am prepared to put up with (I dare you to try me!) .

By all means, I don’t expect you to suppress being the guy you were born as; the person who might automatically feed into his animalistic character when he sees something, or somebody his insides crave.  However, I do ask that you not dread to take out the mask. I ask that you don’t reside in shame if that Ed Sheeran song you hear on the radio while driving to work makes you only a tad bit choked up, or, worse, forces you to begin considering your own life, and possibly even marriage.

It’s okay, and it’s safe to feel your feelings. Feelings are precisely that — they are supposed to be felt. I promise not to judge!

It’s okay to be imperfect. The majority of the time our most important fuck-ups lead to burnout, even if you must ride out the shit storm to get there. It is the way you rise back up again, and that ultimately is the one thing that really matters. Learn how to love your scars, and I’ll love them. I get that you’re not unbreakable.

Failing at work, at a target, in a dream, or a connection doesn’t make you a failure as a man. I adore you for failing, since it means you attempted. It means you cared for something to go after it. And it means that you’re courageous enough to fucking do it!

Since there’s nothing more beautiful, and sexy than permitting us to adore you, even if you’re broken. There’s nothing more magical than to see, and be seen for who you really are. And, perhaps, you may just come to discover that the little boy inside is braver than the guy who shows his face to the world each and every day.


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