Ask Dr. Nerdlove: Why Doesn’t My Husband Want Me?

Nonbinary person? My husband and I have been together for nearly ten years now, and at that time we’ve been through some majorly difficult conditions. A couple of years back I was in an auto accident which left me bedridden for a month or two and while I’ve largely recovered, I’ll have pain and some mobility problems for the rest of my life. When I lost my job because my freedom issues had a larger impact on my ability to operate than we thought they would, we were temporarily homeless. Determined by my social connections (he was not close enough for anyone to feel he could reach out), we could pull ourselves from that. I’ve been able to discover a job more suited to my abilities, and although it doesn’t pay well, we’re ok financially because we’ve adjusted to live within the resources of his occupation (largely by moving 3 hours away to less lease intensive town — we {} spending frivolously before).

Through all our problems, hubby has repeatedly shown himself to be a caring man and a loving partner. We’re socially, values-wise, and spiritually harmonious, and we highlight each other’s skill sets in a great deal of areas and help each other develop. I feel like we’re a dream team in most areas but sex.

I have been saying for years that I want our sexual life were… Interactive, I guess? I feel like it is always either his flip or my turn, and my flip just comes when I break down and beg for it. This isn’t a problem I’ve had with previous partners. His expertise before me was rather limited, so I guess I always figured we were only in a learning curve. He’s gotten a little better about this over time, but finally I feel like our sex life does not really include me whatsoever. I’ve stopped asking for anything because having to beg for an orgasm signifies that I’m unable to enjoy the stimulation enough to get there. Sometimes after sex I find myself fantasizing about leaving him. Sometimes I get stuck in suicidal ideation.

Recently he said that he saw Terry Crews talking about pornography addiction, and thought he had it and that was causing our sexual problems. Earlier this neither of us actually saw the way his porn habit was a contributing element. He said he had gotten stuck in the routine of a solo habit that being turned was like switching a reverse in his mind that made him feel as though he had been lonely. He began seeing a therapist (this is very recent) and explained that he would like to begin working on having a genuine sexual relationship with me. I need more than anything to have that relationship with him, but honestly the concept of being present in sexual activity at this stage sends me into a whole meltdown.

I really do have a therapy appointment scheduled, but as an Autistic woman who’s very very good at hiding, I feel like Trainers truly don’t understand what I am saying lots of the time. (I had been diagnosed as a child, educated to behave neurotypical, and then just sort of tossed back into the general population with no acknowledgment that I could have some less obvious problems… And I did fairly well at pretending I did not.) While I am often quite good at understanding others (I have had to create a very intensive study of the merely to maintain ), I’m bad whatsoever at making myself known. Therapists, I’ve discovered, often tend to get fixated on helping me through problems which are common but not at all what I am struggling with, and when I attempt to fix them they assume that I am in denial. As this has taught me a lot about how to understand and help my friends, it leaves me to determine my things on my own, and honestly I am flummoxed here. How do I deal with being current in sexual activity when alarm bells are going off in my mind the entire time? The logical part of my mind says that now the problem was identified, we’ve got a true path to success here, but the emotional part of my brain doesn’t see the path in any respect. Please assist!

Waiting For My Turn

So another day, I said a genre of information letter known as the”BUT” letter. However,…” This is just another example of that. Your relationship with your spouse is incredible… except for this one thing. It is not much, it is hardly worth complaining about… except for the part where you are feeling left and feel so hurt that you consider leaving him or hurting yourself.

Generally speaking, you and your hubby are doing precisely the type of thing that I tell people they have to do in regards to strengthening and maintaining a relationship…. but. We are living in a sex-negative culture that tells us that if everything else is working well, then you need ton’t complain, that it is just sex and possibly someone should do more dishes and consume more of the housework or something equally anodyne. We are told we should not get that angry about sex and if need be, the member of the couple who is not getting their needs met should not impose too much on the other.

The simple truth is that sexual compatibility is a crucial component in regards to the health and longevity of a relationship; maybe THE most vital. After all, people will blow their whole lives over gender; they almost never do this over whether someone is not doing their share of the washing up. Sex and sexual gratification is more than just who is orgasming when and how many times; in a connection, it is also about intimacy and relationship, about bringing two people together. Problem is… none of that is happening here. From the way you are describing things, it seems an awful lot like your husband is treating you like a sex-toy, not as a individual and certainly not like his wife. It seems like he puts himself off and anything after that is… well, is it an afterthought?

Now it’s good he’s speaking to a therapist. It’s good he says he wants a greater sexual relationship with you and also to be present during sex. The part that sets off my spidey-sense however, is that the area where he blames it all on pornography. See, porn addiction is not really a thing. There is no diagnostic criteria for debatable porn use, nor does pornography addiction exist as a diagnosis in current edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. In actuality, the only places I find that insist that it is a real and dangerous issue are the no-fap subreddits and associations — often religiously based — that guarantee treatment and cures.

Sex addiction and pornography addiction does, however, make a very handy excuse for any problems people care to attribute on it. It becomes a excellent method of preventing any real accountability or responsibility and makes it that much more difficult to take care of the real problems in your relationship.

So no, I don’t believe that watching so much pornography just flipped a switch in his mind that made him forget he was not in the room with someone else. I believe he has other things on his head. Maybe he is just selfish, perhaps he feels as though your mobility problems make sex too tough for more than simply getting his rocks off… I do not understand. What I do know is that if he is going into the therapist to talk about being addicted to pornography, that nothing meaningful will change.

I think what you {} to do is see a sex-positive counselor together, along with seeing your own therapists. Ideally, you need to see somebody who isn’t likely to find a mismatch in {} as a problem for the individual with the greater libido or who is not likely to take”pornography makes me treat you like a Fleshlight” for a response. I strongly urge AASECT’s referral directory that will assist you find a sex-positive counselor locally , who will hopefully help you communicate with each other about what’s happening and find an answer.

And one more thing: if you are discovering that therapists are insisting you are in denial when you feel like you’ve been misunderstood? Then it could be time to discover a different therapist. Therapy is a lot like relationship; you will need a therapist who knows you, who listens to what you are really saying and has a real rapport with you. If you are finding the one you’re working with does not know or is not listening? You’re totally permitted to fire them and find somebody else. Do not forget: the whole point of a therapist is they work for you.

Very good luck.

My wife and I had been extremely happily married for over 45 years. We almost never fought and only wished to be together. I’ve been very lonely since her passing. How long would you say it’s acceptable to wait before beginning to search for a different companion? I’m getting older and don’t need to devote the rest of my life. But, I also don’t want to cause problems with any family members that might believe I was not being faithful to the memory of my late wife.

First, I am so sorry for your loss, WW. Losing your spouse is tough enough; losing her without warning or just an opportunity to say goodbye is almost cruel.

Now to answer your question… that the most appropriate time is if you are positive you’re ready. Among the things which we often don’t know about despair and the loss of a spouse , especially a lifelong spouse, is how enormous that emptiness can be. This was a man who’s been part of your life for decades and now there is nothing. We discuss how recovering from the end of a connection is often like coming to terms with losing a limb; frequently if we lose a spouse to death, it’s more like we have lost a bit of ourselves. There is a hole where this individual, our lover, our spouse, our companion was, and the presence of that hole can at times be more catastrophic than the initial reduction.

It is totally clear that you are lonely and need to find someone who can help alleviate this solitude. That is natural, and I do not think you will need to hold to some artificial deadline — if it is six months, a year or more — in order to ensure that you’re not being disrespectful somehow. To be perfectly honest, I think it’s more disrespectful to your wife for you not to find companionship again. I’d find it nearly impossible to believe that someone who loved you as dearly as passionately as long as your spouse didn’t want you to be alone, not to love again or to endure because she has gone.

And that is my suggestion also. You’re still alive… so love and live. That, I believe, is the best way you could be faithful to the memory of your spouse.

In terms of family members who believe that you are somehow betraying her? Tell them what you have told me: you are lonely and do they really think that your spouse would want you to shut yourself away in the world? Your finding someone new is not disrespecting your memory of your spouse. It is a tribute to the love you had and the depth of your feelings.

Go find a new company, WW. You have my blessing.

Very good luck.


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