11 Hard Lessons I Learned From Falling in Love With a Narcissist

The narcissist might not be your soulmate but he can teach you about love.

Sadly, falling in love with a narcissist does occur and it will help to know what to expect when you wind up dating someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.

Part of me feels immunity when it comes to writing this report. I don’t wish to provide this connection any more energy than I have.

At exactly the exact same time, sharing may allow you to recognize themselves within their relationship with a narcissist and leave sooner rather than later.

I met”M” when he showed up at one of my assignments on hypnosis. He arrived a few minutes late and straight away, I felt this strange attraction I recognize only exists between soulmates. At the close of the event, once everyone left, he was still there.

We spoke about hypnosis and we spoke about his enthusiasm, astrology.

He was single, a few years younger, cute, smart, well-traveled, tall and powerful. He made me feel special, seen and beautiful. We talked until midnight and the following day, he returned with a composite graph of our planets demonstrating how aligned they had been. It felt that way.

We enjoyed the same things. We were both from Europe. Both searching for a fun and respectful relationship. We had mad chemistry. We started dating immediately.

The first months were terrific. A whole lot of traveling. He loved traveling and had the capacity to take me along. We would play videogames on the airplane, watch movies, talk or do nothing. All was great when we were together, and I missed him when we {} .

Unfortunately, our relationship was just a part-time one. He had been divided and had a four-year-old to treat forty percent of their time. He was a high-tech executive and occasionally had to work long hours. I could understand all that.

What I could not understand is why he would not talk over the telephone rather than texting, why he would ignore me when I shared how scared I was by his reckless driving, and when it came to selecting a restaurant, he would deny my decision simply to proceed with it later on.

First and foremost, I could not understand why I was feeling so unhappy in a relationship with a guy I adored who also loved doing what I loved.

Here he was, taking me to amazing places, treating me like a princess and that I was whining because he passed a car a bit too close for comfort?

I had been going from ecstatic to gloomy.

One day he had been the man of my dreams, the next I knew I needed to leave and leave immediately.

He was not abusive, emotionally or physically. At least, not that I could certainly pinpoint. He was a busy guy with a young daughter and he just could give me what he could. I tried to speak to him, but he was the king of avoidance.

I felt more used than adored.

Nine weeks into the relationship, I finally decided to send him an email with a couple of things I wanted us to talk. He played dead and I did not hear from him for another six weeks.

Once I told him how much I missed him, he reappeared from the blue and he tried to return to things the way they were. The change was that I’d taken the chance during those six months to reconnect with myself and become more powerful.

We’d proposed a five-day weekend to reconnect and I had been looking forward to spending some time in his arms, finding new places, visiting wineries, walking around the beach and enjoying delicious meals together but, at the exact same time I wasn’t certain of what to expect.

From day one, my spine was agonizingly painful. Sciatica was a part of my past, but I’d hardly experienced it since my divorce seven decades prior. I had been waking up coughing for no reason and I knew it was always a symptom of anxiety for me. I was on holiday in a stunning setting and was suffocating.

When I mentioned it to him, his response was that my planets weren’t in the best position to encourage me at the moment. By the close of the weekend, I asked the Universe or God to send me a message, any message to tell me exactly what to do.

My wish has been granted.

Our debate started from nothing: how to quantify speeding at the U.S. versus Australia. For the first time, he bluntly told me that I was wrong and ridiculous for thinking I was correct. The term”narcissistic reaction” came to me and it felt true. He apparently did not even understand the word.

I explained to him it was somebody who thought that he was exceptional and consistently right and gave a couple of examples of famous narcissists. His response was mind boggling: “Every potent male is the way.”

His reply was that it wasn’t an issue for the narcissist. Finally, I said that individuals with the narcissistic personality disorder tend to be like that since they’re incapable of feeling emotions or compassion.

“What sort of feeling?” he asked.

“Love for instance”

“Love is a disorder” were his words.

At the moment, I knew I was done. Someone who can not feel that the beauty of love couldn’t be a part of my life.

I broke up with him on the spot and spent the next weeks fighting with myself, avoiding to calling him to apologize of something that I did not do.

A couple weeks later, I understood a great deal of things about narcissism and here are such 11 lessons about falling and being in love with a narcissist.

1. Nobody is immune to bringing a narcissist

I am a coach and hypnotherapist. I’ve helped more than a million clients to heal from past traumas and increase their self-confidence. Several of my customers have been victims of narcissistic interactions. I’m conscious of the pattern and it could be what enabled me to leave quicker than many.

Still, it did not stop me from being drawn to one. Narcissists can be the most charming partners…in the beginning. Do not be fooled.

2.

They enjoy the chase, the sport and to win against all odds. There would not be any fun in dominating prey that’s already half dead. They tend to gravitate toward strong, confident women (or men). Their enjoyment comes in the challenge.

Men want to win.” Allow me to translate: Loving men and women want to be happy; narcissists want to win.

3. He gave me several hints but I chose to ignore them

Over the eleven months we spent together, there were indications. So many clues. I don’t understand.

He never introduced me to his friends and told me he had none. Little by little, he isolated me from my friends. He told me we’d constantly be connected no matter what and that I had no option.

He even explained that his mission on this world was a”Gift of God to women.” Apparently, he really believed it and he seemed surprised I could not find the truth in his statement.

4. He never was publicly mean or dismissive

Narcissists usually are not until they know you are hooked. He never told me that I was wrong, or ugly, or stupid. The opposite, actually. He told me that I was smart and pretty.

Though on the other end, he questioned my remarks. He blamed “the planets” for being the cause of my being sad, tired or unhappy. If he’d criticized me, I’d have seen it, but it was never my fault.

Physical abuse isn’t hard to recognize. Emotional abuse can be concealed. If you’re a sensitive, caring person, you may attempt to excuse behavior that’s not acceptable.

If you are hurt by what he said, ask yourself,”what is the equivalent if he used his hands rather than his words?” If it feels like violence, leave!!!

5. My buddies were seeing what I could not see

I remained in touch with most of my girlfriends. Obviously, I saw them since we had been traveling quite a bit. Some told me to leave, but most did not want to influence my choice.

I knew I had their service no matter what. Talking with them enabled me to hear my own words from a different standpoint. If your family members let you listen…pay attention!

They want the right for you. And stay connected with people you know have your spine.

6. My body was telling me the truth

The pain in my body, the coughing, the backache, the exhaustion were all signs that something was out of alignment. I just wanted to listen. My body needed to scream pretty loud for me to listen but in years past I’d have waited until I got sick, so I guess that was progress.

If you’re in a relationship and get ill or too tired for no apparent reason, it may be your body telling you, you are not in working with yourself. Listen!

7.

We understood each other from the moment we met. There was this remarkable attraction that only exists at a soulmate connection. It does not mean though that we needed to be or remain together. We had to learn from one another.

Soulmate links are there to help you grow. Some soulmate relationships should last, some are not.

I learned from this connection that I could say {} I was more powerful than ever, and that I loved myself too much to accept being treated in a manner which didn’t feel great.

8. You Can’t change him

“M” was a narcissist or at least a guy with strong narcissistic tendencies that meant he loved himself and was convinced he was right.

I attempted to ask, to question, to argue, to love, nothing worked. Not because my message wasn’t powerful, but since he did not want to hear it. Nobody can change anyone against their will.

Narcissists deeply believe they are right. So why would they change for you?

9. You Can’t fit into their box

Maybe if I acted more happy, said something brighter, was nicer, or more distant, he would love me. But regardless of how I behaved, he couldn’t love me because the only person he managed to love was himself. Such a comfortable pattern.

I had attempted to fit to a similar box throughout my 20-year-marriage and most of my childhood with my mom. After I realized the pattern, I knew I needed to leave.

What is this box that you think you want to fit into? Who put the box in front of one of the first time? Recognizing it’s going to let you leave quicker and maybe to prevent repeating the pattern.

10. If his heart is closed, it’s not your job to start it

Speaking about boxes, look into his heart. Is it open, loving, or connected? Or is this a metallic box nobody can enter?

A narcissist isn’t capable of real compassion, love or care. He is going to be nice, generous and kind only if it serves him. The majority of the time, he’s the way he’s for very good reasons. If you’re a caring sensitive person, there’s a good chance you might want to help him open his heart.

This isn’t your job. He will not open his heart for you. Nobody can make someone change unless they wish to. And he doesn’t need to.

In his eyes, he’s perfect the way he is.

11. The only way out is self explanatory

I couldn’t change him, and he did not care for my love. The only approval he needed was his own.

Now, I realize that the only way out was to assert I was worthy, valuable and lovable. I needed to be more powerful than the uncertainty I enabled him to make in my mind. Now, I stop trying to fit into a box that’s not mine. Time to be free and crush the box.

This is my life and I have the right to love and appreciate myself. A narcissistic reaction? No, just knowing I’m enough and that so as to love others I must love myself first.

A couple of questions before we finish. Where are you in your relationships? In a box that isn’t yours {} top of it, dancing from pleasure? Would you love yourself more than anything? Do you appreciate your opinion, your emotions and what your body is telling you? Do you love yourself enough to give up somebody who makes you doubt yourself?

It’s not straightforward. I still have moments when I am one digit off from calling him. However, I know I am worthy of an remarkable relationship with myself and that I will banish from my life anybody who attempts to make me think otherwise.

Your turn.


A version of the post was previously published on YourTango and is republished here with permission from the author.

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