Question: My mom is in love with my personal trainer. She does not know he exists. We think she’s making up a connection in her head. She took his picture and is showing it to her friends, as though he’s her man. What can we do before this gets awkward for everybody?
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Answer: It is pretty awkward now! I’d look at it first from empathy, that she’s so lonely, that she’s prepared to live in denial and make a dream to feel good enough. So if we address it by believing that she’s mad, that would be complete judgment and judgment wouldn’t get us anywhere when it comes to connecting with her in an honoring way to bring her back to reality and have a conversation about it.
So making her wrong isn’t going to help, having empathy that”Wow, she’s really so lonely that she’s not operating in fact.” From that place of empathy say”Hey mom, I just wanted to have a conversation with you.” I mean maybe, behind your back, she’s having sex with the personal trainer ask her”Hey mom, Are you on dates? If she’s not, you need to state with all the kindness in your heart,”Mother, are you lonely? Mom, are you craving a connection? Mother — do you really want someone in your life? Mom, do you really want someone that’s powerful, noble, and constant in your lifetime?” Just make sure safe space for her to have a meltdown, have a cry, tell the truth and finally if she can not hear you, you’re only going to need to let her be.
Be an allowance, let her create a train wreck. Also, notice where you are awkward and you do not have a sense of self, which you believe that you’re only defined by what people think about your mother. Just let her be — let her live, let her wreck, let her soar, let’s do anything. You’re not a reflection of her. You do not have to change her. You do not have to fix her. You’re not defined by her. Simply send her love, be compassionate, and breathe.
It is quite a big lesson for you too — can you be unconditional and adoring in allowance to allow someone do what they will do. It’s not a simple path. In terms of how to cultivate that sense of existence, capacity to not judge, capacity to not resolve those sorts of things, all of my work is based on that. So any of my programs, my books, my cds, my guided meditation, my cirriculums, and a training session with me, would take you to this location where you can give up control and allow whatever will unfold to unfold as a way to have a conversation with her from that place of non-judgment and allowance rather than awkwardness and judgment. So contact me or my supervisor at [email protected] and inquire about a strategy session or simply go and start to drive into some of my goods which can help you escape your head and into your heart, breathe through the distress, lower into your stomach where your instinct is, and your connection to all that’s live.
I look forward to hear from you again.
A version of the post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Look at it first from a place of empathy.