What’s Love?

Love is a strange thing.

Love has come and gone {} my life span, and I have experienced many types of it.

Looking back, I can remember my “first love” (crush!) ; a girl in college who paid me absolutely no attention whatsoever, but that did not stop me from fantasizing about what our life together is like when we were older.

Then there was my first online love; a blonde-haired woman from Florida. Her mind was sharp, and her humor was razor-edged. She had no romantic feelings for me however, I was only a friend!

Then there was the girl I traveled to Malta to fulfill. Boy, that was tacky love. This was a new type of love. She was the first woman that I had been in a relationship with that had taken me the entire nine yards. It came to pass that I found out she had another guy on the side also.

That was mad love.

Then I found real love.

I am not here to define what love should be for anyone else so I will say it was the best love that I could have for my well-being. It was a love I had never experienced before; it had been all those preceding loves in precisely the exact same package — but one additional love; I believed it was reciprocated. I felt it back.

All that I had been giving her I was getting back. It was and is remarkable.

See, I have heard a great deal about love through deep reflection through the years. 1 thing I have discovered is that we often love each other in the ways we’ve been shown in youth. The ways that our parents loved us is the manner by which we love ourselves and the people around us. I learned some excellent things about love through my parents, and a few not so wonderful.

Mum was a fighter; she hated liars and cheats. Mum would walk into the ends of the earth for people that she enjoyed and often found herself in trouble because of that exact same trait. She gave her spouse thousands of dollars to begin his own organization. The less I talk about that, the better.

I was shown great selfless love by my mom; to forget and give, to love and to cherish — but terrific Yang does not come without equal quantities of the Yin. See, mum was a remarkably unconfident young lady. She was placating to others so that they would like her as a person. She didn’t possess the self-confidence to enjoy herself on her own — and both of that awesomeness, and the not-so-awesomeness transcended on me, and I carried on the family tradition.

I’d boundless love to give — but at a cost. I did amazing favors for everybody — but emotionally chalked up in my mind as”owed in future” — love for me was conditional. Offend my morality and you would end up in the doghouse.

Needless to say, since this was all that I knew or knew I thought in my youthful naivety that was love throughout the board. This is how folks adore and love back.

When a young boy (or girl) moves into puberty they change needing to obtain approval from their mother and dad, and add a new element in; it is dreadfully important to get approval from their peers; their school mates, their friendships they build out of school — and this is part of the reason why adolescence is extremely stressful. It is no easy ride.

And through all this, we reach out to individuals with similar conditions to our own. If you examine all your friendships throughout the years, you will realize that each individual has a shared scenario that you have bonded together over. And many (if not all) connect with individuals to similar mentalities and mindsets to one another. That is why the jocks seldom hang out with the nerds in school — there is very little cross within that section.

Thus, it’s very difficult. Very tough to see beyond my conditional mindset when all I’ve understood is my love, and that’s been reinforced through my loved ones, and my friendships circles. It can be quite tough to open your mind to anything else.

Through the past ten years, I have gone on a trip. I have sat and listened to a lot of men and women. Just listened. And each and every time I believe I have the notion of love nailed down someone comes along and blows my thoughts from the water.

It’s simply not consistent enough. Life is highly diverse, and through profound personal experiences, people love in very different manners. I have seen people that love each other through contending every night, and the very next day they’re happy again — it’s all they have known. Us? My spouse and I are likely weirdos to them.

“All silent and lovey and shit, something isn’t right there.”

So, I shy away when folks tell me how love should be. They do not get to define that for me, or for anybody else for that matter. Life is varied and different and mostly mad. As I grow older, I am more and more about the celebrating rather than the telling.

Only you can tell if it is love for you. You know. You’ll know whether you’re happy, or if something is not perfect.

Build on that!

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Here are the four horsemen of the fighting union, according to a buddy’s couple’s counselling practice.“She does not seem interested in me anymore.” “She’s overly anxious about/focused on the children.” “There is not any fun, we’re always racing and it always feels like a catastrophe.” “She’s let herself go.” So, without paraphrasing or moving after my friend’s article, I will tackle these ideas with my experience to guide me. This is my truth and my story and may not be applicable to you or your own experience.“She does not seem interested in me anymore.” She is not interested in sex. She is not interested in my job stories or my weekend hobbies. She seems too focused on the children and her crisis of the moment.Here are a few ideas for why this could be.You aren’t being that interesting. You aren’t firing up her emotionally or sexually. You will need to get your own shit together, she’ll respond to that. You need to be clear with your orders. Unspoken agreements will find all people in trouble. For those who have a complaint talk. If your woman isn’t interested in you be aware: This is a crisis you want to attend to. Both of you it collectively about what you need, want, and need on your connection. If both of you are off sulking and building bitterness about this subject, get over yourself and tell your spouse. If they’re unwilling or not able to satisfy your connection requirements, you get a different choice to make.“She’s overly anxious about/focused on the children.” Okay, so your spouse is distracted, busy, and appears to be on the point of crisis all the time. Let us take this in two parts.Kids actions are a priority in my life, and I do not have the time to get it all done there’s a kid-issue and I am overwhelmed I do not have time for our connection, can’t you see how busy I am? Your DistressShe is always distant and distracted She is always tired She yells and gets angry at the drop of a hat We are always so focused on her crisis and the child’s needs, what about my needs, and the connection needs A Few IdeasCan you take a few of the tasks off her plate? Can you accept that she is not happy, and there is not much you can do about it, but stand-in and be supportive You Can’t rescue another person from their own distress, but you can be reassuring and make efforts to lighten their entire load, especially if it’s kid-stuff“There is not any fun, we’re always racing and it always feels like a catastrophe.” Ah, most of us know how hard”crisis mode” is for everybody. The kids are worried. Your spouse is stressed. Okay so what are the resources you can use to tackle the custom of”crisis mode” management?Some Thoughts About Crisis-ModeIs the tragedy psychological? Is the tragedy about scheduling? Is the emergency about load-balancing from the connection? Some Ideas About Interesting Commit to it and take action. Both partners must be accountable for injecting fun into the experience of life. Take actions to put fun back into your life. “She’s let herself go.” The first question to my guys readers,“Have you let yourself go?”The next question to my guys readers,“How healthy is fit and how realistic are your expectations?”The next question to my guys readers,“Can you do matters to engage her in enjoyable exercise and perform which includes exercise?”The fourth question to my guys readers,“Would you love her anyway?” Are you seeking an perfect partner instead of the partner you’re with?And the truth: sometimes people let themselves go for various reasons. Is your girl getting enough affection and support? Are they depressed or coping with a physical illness? Can you love your spouse at every level of fitness?In my marriage, I loved my wife in all her fitness levels. I truly grooved into her body when she was pregnant with both of our kids. I understand this is all about me and not her, but I enjoyed her with a bit more love to hold onto. Again, that is about me. I loved her in every form she arrived in. I had been able to love her no matter her exact physical form. She, in turn, did love me through some stressful times of my own.Can you love your spouse in her present form? Is this”fitness” you seek and want a realistic possibility or are you looking for someone somewhat more like Emily Blunt? Much like some”kind” you have become enamored with?Are you whining about things which may be addressed and changed? Are you making unrealistic demands? Are you {} a reason to bolt and find some new girl, some new excitement? It’s each of our unique responsibilities to deal with our complaints, our needs, and our non-negotiables. If you can get clear on what is behind those mundane complaints you can either tackle them at the connection or adjust the relationship.Create a change or learn to be pleased with everything you have. Change is the only real choice of action. Be IN or OUT of your connection, but do not nag and whine and then not take responsibility on your life and your own involvement in the relationship.In the long run, I believe my approach is more like a trainer. What is happening? What is your obligation to change or request? What is your action plan? Let us get on with it. My friend is significantly more concerned with what is behind the issues and how a change of heart or emotional breakthrough might tackle the issues. Let us get on with our own lives of appreciation and love.Always Love,John McElhenney — life trainer austin texas  @wholeparent

men's complaints in marriageCreate a change or learn to be pleased with everything you have. Change is the only real choice of action. Be IN or OUT of your connection, but do not nag and whine and then not take responsibility on your life and your own involvement in the relationship.

The article Top 4 Complaints from Married Men and How to Address Them appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Dating as a Single Mother

First off, to all single mothers, being one myself, it is a lot. A lot to take out the garbage, do your taxes, keep the young ones living AND take care of you. YET among the best things you can do to help yourself to be an excellent mother is: HEAL your past wounds from divorce or a reduction, and second: KNOW that if you do not make time for being a WOMAN… your parenting endures… as does your self-esteem.

Thus reentering the dating scene can be a excellent way to give yourself signature, kindness, support and pleasure in business of a terrific man who appreciates you. To attract him, you will want to take time to have clarity about what you need and want in a partnership… and take the time to cultivate your sensual side, getting a hot invitation to a high quality guy to claim you, encourage you, love you and be fueled by your compliments and appreciation of him.

Do not hold back on your internet profiles really painting the image of the life you choose, saying how happy it makes you if your spouse does xxx. Never conceal that fact that you are a mom. Be proud you are a package deal and use it like a pre-qualifier for guys who would not ever consider step daddy roles. Bear in mind, as a busy mother, there isn’t any time to waste on somebody who’s mediocre, somebody who does not call back or keep his word. Use your prized limited free time so far as a single mother, as powerful self-confidence to know you’re a trophy and be quick to say thank you but no thank you if they do not honor or respect you.

DO be willing for him not to look like what you believed, sometimes what we had been drawn to in our old relationships (that did not work) could use some upgrading. I was attracted to the Master of the Universe guys, who impressed me with his achievements yet did not have time for me. These single men dating frequently complain about flaky girls.

A version of the post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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The article Dating as a Single Mother appeared on The Great Men Project.

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