Admit it, it would be a truly boring world if we all had perfectly happy and harmonious interactions and relationships.  Though –it would also be a world without country music, so there is something to take into account.  But truthfully, it’s the melodrama of life that feeds our desire to grow, evolve and change. Everybody who has ever met another individual has had the experience of discovering that occasionally their first, besotted reaction finally ends up becoming categorized into the”what-was-I-thinking?” category.  All of us have emotional triggers and buttons which could get activated by fulfilling the wrong person at the perfect time (or the ideal person at the wrong time).  Attraction and adoration can devolve into revulsion or boredom.With revulsion being the more interesting experience, actually.Okay, we are HUMAN and we’re deeply programmed by our upbringing, our environment, the culture, the media, the age, and that I could go on.  Half the time we do not know if WE are the one responding or if the collective mind is.  So how the hell does ANYONE form a healthy bond with a beloved?Well, step one is obviously KNOW THYSELF.  Study your own personal history and get a sense for what draws you into relationships to start with (romantic or platonic).  Are you a health professional, searching for someone to mend or just look up to you?  Are you a placater (or do you will need to be placated)?Honestly, all of us have our problems and getting in touch with your own is the first and most crucial step to knowing how to relate to another individual in a wholesome way.  Because who is the worst kind of person to interact with?  For starters.At exactly the exact same time, realize that whoever you’ve attracted into your life is, in actuality, a REFLECTION of you somehow.  Maybe your very best self, possibly your shadow self, possibly your karma (sorry, this type of b*tch).  So the very first thing you will need to do when you start feeling annoyed (or itchy or like you will need TO ESCAPE AT ANY COST!) ???LOOK IN THE MIRROR.I had this come up lately (really, it comes up all of the damn time, but here is an example) with a few extended family members that confronted me about some behaviour of mine they had decided was unacceptable.  As soon as I attempted to explain my behaviour, I was accused of lying (I was not ) but the fact was that I had not fully contemplated the situation from their view (nor had they from mine) so upon doing this, I chose to apologize, though previous to the confrontation I had no idea I had hurt or offended anyone.  However, the lying thing stuck in my craw–so I took a look in the mirror.In doing this, I realized that part of the reason they had NOT considered the problem from my perspective is that I hadn’t been completely honest about it.  While the particulars they accused me of lying about weren’t true (or honest ), the overall reality was I was putting a”sunny side up” face on a tricky time in my life, so that they had no clue of where I was coming from or the challenges I faced at the time of this situation in question.Because, you know, they are not PSYCHIC.Outside of clinical abuse, the majority of us participate in some dysfunctional finger-pointing and abdication of personal responsibility in the majority of our key relationships.Because, you know, we are HUMAN.  (it is a thing.)The only way to cure this trend is hyper-vigilance about our own (NOT the OTHER’S) motivation.  We can’t cure or fix or alter anyone who’s not in the process of doing these things by themselves.  So if you’re in a relationship where you’re continuously dealing with an intolerable behavior/attitude etc., get the HECK from DODGE.Let them do the job they have to do while you concentrate on why you drove into Dodge to start with–and yes, there’s a reason.We’re not in connection by happenstance.We’re in relationship to grow and evolve and learn and yes, occasionally LEAVE.Growing, learning and evolving are supposed to lead to modify.Otherwise, you aren’t doing it right.Your relationships will reflect you and your present state of development quite professionally, and until you realize and work with this, you’re doomed to repeat the identical unhealthy loops you really have been spinning for years on end.When your spouse is being selfish, cruel, idiotic, unfeeling, disengaged, etc–LOOK IN THE MIRROR.Are they representing you?Or are they representing your beliefs about you?In any event, time to create a change.–Shutterstock

We aren’t in relationship by happenstance. 

The article Unhappy in Your Relationship? Look in the Mirror appeared on The Great Men Project.

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here

She Wants to Talk, Do You Want to Listen?


Hell no. Hell yeah. You better listen.

We are going to get there but, what happens inside of you when she states,”I want to talk”?

For many men, it is, Uh, oh, I am in trouble, again?

How’s this possible? You never get it right? I often wondered during two decades of marriage.

Whether you listen or not, the conversation is coming. So she sticks to it.

You are not emotionally present.
You are not on her staff.
You are not around enough.
Whatever you need is sex.

Everything gets mixed into the girl bitching tape in mind. And you begin drifting.

And now, she is even more frustrated because she sees you are gone. “Are you even listening?” Then you wonder, Jeez, can not you see I am trying?

  • Why does this cycle perform so often for us as guys?
  • Why does she {} talk?

First, would you like to do anything differently? Do you love this girl? Or are you simply paying dues not to be alone in life?

Know this; it is called your”buy-in element. ” It is where you get to anchor to what she means to you. Nobody forces you to maintain relationship. Own it.

Second, notice your response. In the moment she asks you to speak, ask yourself, How am I doing? Can I jacked up? Can I really listen at this time? Can I have the bandwidth?

Perhaps you just came home from work and you are exhausted. Or you are just caught off guard.

“Babe, I wish to hear what you need to say. Can we speak in a half hour?” Or perhaps you suggest tomorrow.

Know this also; you can not be there for her if you are not there for yourself. This is known as your autonomy. You’re a different being from her. Honor your freedom with self-care; it serves her also. And you have now modeled it for her too.

Third, is she prepared to honor your freedom?

“Sure, tomorrow could be fine.” Or does she just whine? “No! I want to talk now! You never make time for me!”

Know which woman you’re with. It’ll change your life.

So, let’s say you took some time. You showered, cleared your mind. A half hour has passed. You’re prepared to listen actively — not considering solutions or ways to fix her.

You this…

Very quickly, it happens again. Anxiety rises. You feel suffocated. The exact same old script runs in you, I can not do so — screwed again. However, this time, you notice it. And instead, you turn out your very best weapon yet.

And as you have read this (or something like it), you know that it’s not her who is the issue. Someone else gets you triggered. Can you guess who?

… drumroll please… no peaking… Can you summit?

…it is… the little boy in you. The boy you once were. The boy who did not get enough attention when you were a child. The boy who feels like he is being trampled on by her.

He is freaking out because he worries you are going to abandon him again. You’ll have a look at from keeping him safe, all caught up in her and her problems.

He feels completely sidelined by her because she has so many needs (so he believes ). And he freaks out. It is no wonder that she feels like she is in the room with just a small boy and not a man.

The freak out, the anxiety, it is all inside of you, it is the boy.

Zen priest state, the best hell is the hell inside of you. Okay, I am no Zen priest, but you get the point.

Yes, it sounds crazy but it works; it’s again and again with my customers and myself for decades.

And the conversation is as straightforward as this:”Hey little man, you are okay. We’re okay. She is freaking out, not us. We are fine.”

And yes, while she is talking, you are having this conversation with your little boy. However, it’s in service to you and her — to get back in the room with her.

Unexpectedly, space opens inside you. The little boy does not feel hijacked and you are available to listen. The guy is back.

At 10 minutes into her speaking (set a timer if need be), you request a breather, so that you can reflect back what she said for you. You want to be certain you got it right. After all, your objective is to listen to her.

She pauses for a moment, taken from her play and neurosis. And she realizes there is not. She feels heard. She relaxes on your manly awesomeness.

And it dawns on you, Holy shit, this was a test. A sincere genuine evaluation. She was really wondering, Is my husband (partner) in my team?

She’s happy. You didn’t fail her. You’re a rock star.

And, of course that isn’t your goal, but you may find a little loving afterwards– the very best in months or even years.

Rock on.

So remember BAT. Simple enough.

Buy in.
Autonomy.

Know of another man (or woman) who could benefit from this?

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Photo credit: Istockphoto.com

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How To Use Personal Development To Type Loving Relationships

Our personal development travel, hopefully, gives us clarity on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the kinds of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?

I’m incredibly grateful for the years of personal development work I’ve experienced, both as a participant and facilitator. I’ve spent the last twenty years taking courses, reading books, working with mentors, participating in seminars, training clients, and leading workshops, all in the sake of becoming a better person, a better spouse, a better father, a better lover, a better understanding and a better contributor to society. A consistent comprehension that gets lost, however, is the understanding that the people around us are also people dealing with their own”stuff” in their own journey.

Understanding of self is vitally important, yet I’m not at all suggesting we provide that exploration up to only concentrate on others. What I am suggesting is this: As we grow, learn, and discover things about ourselves, we also search for how those things could possibly be expressed by other people. By the time a few finds me, or that I step into associations that seek out my help, individuals are usually feeling depleted and in pure survival mode. From this place, it’s almost impossible to take into account the person in front of us, as we are totally focused on our needs that haven’t been getting fulfilled. While we may decide to”take care of ourselves,” it is usually from a defensive and resentful place, versus among self-love. It is something to lovingly take responsibility for fulfilling your own needs, rather than doing it with anger and animosity towards another;”I am just going to have to perform ______ for myself because you are not going to.”

Our personal development travel, hopefully, provides us insight on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the kinds of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?

We have been shaped by our past, we’ve got each developed survival mechanisms and we all”act out” in ways which are based on these experiences. If we’re prepared to consider that the individual responding is doing so based on how they are in relation to their past, then we might discover there’s not any reason–barring abuse–for us to become defensive. If my spouse has had a long history of being talked-down-to and has developed her intellectual skills that she could never be out-debated, I get to realize that engaging in disagreement with her would be an unproductive, possibly hurtful strategy. On the flip side, if she understands that my default is to think I have done something wrong, using discussion strategies will just have me feel worse and drive a deeper wedge into our relationship.

This translates to associations also.

My parents taught school for 40 years, and for all the time, I’d hear them tell stories about how the administrators were a particular way. Administrators would say the way the teachers were a particular way, etc. Everyone believed they were correct, the other was wrong. No one was ready to listen to another and hence the animosity just became a daily experience.

The solution, then, is to simply stop it. Seriously.

When we can have a deep breath and be happy to hear each other from a place of genuine curiosity and having an interest in a partnership, then things can change rather quickly. In a romantic relationship, when we aren’t defending our position, we have a tendency to get very interested in our spouse. When this occurs, we naturally start working together toward shared interests; these pursuits tend to incorporate each other’s fulfillment.

Likewise, a unified organization with an interest in mutually beneficial outcomes promotes a happier and more productive work environment. Doing our own work while being interested in the work of our spouse, co-worker or personnel creates loyalty and connection and has the power to take things to a whole new level.

What can you provide for yourself now? And, what are you ready to discover about your spouse?

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Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

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If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.

Our personal development travel, hopefully, gives us clarity on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the sorts of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?

The article How To Use Personal Development To Type Loving Relationships appeared on The Great Men Project.

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here

The Stoic or Sensitive Guy: Which One Are You?


Are you the man who feels nothing or feels everything? You have been inside of you your whole life.

So which is it? Stoic? Or Sensitive? Both have their benefits and costs — from the obvious to the not so apparent.

The stoic man has a wall around his heart.
The sensitive man is wall-less.

The stoic man lets nobody in.
The sensitive man lets everyone in.

The stoic male explodes.
The sensitive one implodes.

The stoic man is numb.
The sensitive man is overwhelmed.

The handsome guy secure protects himself from his partner’s feelings.
The sensitive one is crushed by her feelings.

The stoic man overlooks a rich feeling-life.
The sensitive one bathes in wealthy feelings.

The stoic guy gets things done.
The sensitive man worries about getting things done.

The stoic man does not see her.
The sensitive man feels responsible for her.

The sensitive one internalizes.

The stoic man would benefit from becoming more sensitive.
The sensitive guy from becoming more stoic.

Which man are you?
Which does your girl ask you to be?
Which do you will need to become more of?
Feeling stumped? You are not alone. Get help today.

Know a man who might benefit from reading this? Share with him now.

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

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If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.

Photo credit: Istockphoto.com

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here

Larger or Smaller — The Way You Feel With Her

Are you the man who feels horrible when your spouse says –“you are not open”?


Are you the man who feels horrible when your spouse says –“you are not open” or”you are so checked out”?

You consider how it is possible to show up better. The fantastic news is that you care.

The good thing is you might forget to check at her, also. Until you do, you can not really understand what your job is.

Consider both women below. Which is she?

1 woman has room for all of you.
The other girl has space for small.

1 woman makes it possible to notice when you are not at your best.
The other girl always cares about it.

1 woman sees your presents and shortages.
Another only sees herself.

One compels you to be your real you.
The other compels you to be exactly what she would like you to be.

One energizes you.
The other depletes you.

Another berates you for not taking care of her.

One has a heart resonance that lights you up.
The other believes you have to light her up.

One sees endless opportunities on your love.
Another sees only the shortages.

One sees conflict as purposeful engagement.
The other sees it as your own fault.

One has energy for you.
The other doesn’t.

One makes your world feel larger.

And another…. You guessed it… smaller.

Which girl are you with? Which girl do you seek?

Do you know of another man who may benefit from reading this? Please share with him now.

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project?

◊♦◊

If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

A whole list of advantages is here.

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here

How Can She Love You Once You Hate Yourself


“I know, I know, I am supposed to love myself,” a customer says to me. “Find more self respecting and self-trust. But in fact, I just want more than anything to discover deep connection with a spouse.

I hear this from a number of my male customers.

Felix pauses. He looks me over.

When he actually says this, I respond,”Why do you feel you are supposed to love yourself?”

I understand it, in my gut, from years of connections. Her love can not compensate for the love I do not have for myself.”

Knowledge without mastery is similar to a key with no door.

“I mean in the beginning, it is great and all. I feel completely filled with her. And as time passes… anyhow, you know the story… the same old me creeps back in. The person who’s discontent, discovering flaws in her, frustrated that she begins taking me for granted, not seeing me how she did, etcetera, etcetera. I’m hooked on the first part of things, you know, the rush, and then… it is always the same.”

“So you ache for something you have never been able to achieve,” I say.

“Fuck Yes!”

The second is thick with tragic irony. He laughs. I laugh. To get a splinter of time, it is not so heart-numbingly excruciating. Laughter gives him space.

“Imagine if you took the fire and energy of the’Fuck Yes!’ And brought it back to yourself”

He ponders this. I give him an opportunity to sink deeper into the question. I sense he knows the way to do it bring back the energy to himself.

He shuts his eyes. A minute passes, then another. He speaks.

“I have been checking out from myself for many years for a fantasy I don’t even think in. The fantasy of The One. I do it because I am lazy. I don’t wish to do the job to love myself. Why should I? I do not even know if I enjoy myself.”

BAM! I let the gravity of the final statement land. Can he remain in self-pity or move himself forward? A couple of minutes pass. He’s frozen.

“So you do not know if you enjoy yourself,” I say.

He does not respond. It would be easy to ask why and get all the details of his self-loathing, but for now, I am more interested in the effect of it.

“You know as well as I do, that in case you don’t enjoy yourself…”

“I know. I understand… how is someone else supposed to like or love me?” He becomes angry, short tempered.

“God damn it”

He starts breathing deeply, sighing, emitting sounds of distress. He is working himself hard.

After some time, I say,”Can you find the internal war going on in you?”

He looks up, eyes glassy, face flushed.

“Felix, you understand the failings of connection as you have pursued it previously. You know that nobody can love you enough to compensate for you not enjoying yourself. You said it. Not me. And yet, you reside in a reality where you always tell yourself that you should enjoy yourself when in actuality, you…”

He completes the sentence before I could.

With this understanding comes a peace, a reprieve, the reality. I see relief on his face. He is no more hiding behind the false mandate of how he should love himself.

Felix’s problem isn’t about self-love. It is about pulling the plug on the inner war inside of him. It is about accepting his self-loathing and moving forward from that point. Asking himself Is this how I need to live my life?

While, for sure, there would be deeper work to comprehend where his loathing came out, for today it is about seeing clearly the playing area of his inner system and working from there.

The unwinding of self-loathing is a far deeper practice than loving one’s self.

Will he do the job?

Find a guide, mentor, coach or therapist who can help you cut through your blind spots. The price is too good to wait.

This post was formerly published on Stuartmotola.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

◊♦◊

Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

◊♦◊

If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now.

All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.

A whole list of advantages is here.

Download my eBook The Secrets to Attract Women FREE now by clicking here