7 Laws of Healthy Relationship Building: What Are We All Hungry For?

relationship building

The easy response to this question is CONNECTION. The interesting answer is excitement and joined ambitions. Relationships will be the proving ground for our notions and fantasies about where we would like to go and what we would like to do. And it happens on a daily basis. I think in a relationship, you’re either going towards or away from the spouse in virtually every action. If you start to ask yourself what would be supportive of your romantic relationship, you can start to examine if you’re partially IN, partly OUT, or all the way IN. I’ve been striving to obtain the all-the-way-in lady in my life for the past nine decades. Here are some of the things I’ve learned along my journey home.

ONE: Search for pleasure.

Folks appear with a certain quantity of joy — it could be influenced and nurtured, but an angry person is difficult to maintain a relationship with. They could find optimism in the midst of battle and disappointments. I am searching for one more joyful person. I learned in my marriage that JOY + ANGER doesn’t equivalent JOY. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t make my wife happy. The knowledge is simple,”Happiness is an inside job.” However, the execution of a joyful life is a part nurture and part character. I look for pleasure first. In their eyes. In their plans for their future, long before I ever showed up.

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt in most situations. And when something does not feel right, go after it as soon as possible. Even when what you will need to talk about is hard, go ahead, and give it an honest effort. Know about how you approach issues, and learn how to soften your delivery. Find your role in the issue and start there. Request clarification. Request a fix if the skip was on your side. Try to leave nothing unspoken.

[Exception: understand when the sleeping dog ought to be addressed at a later time. I’m usually too ambitious in my approach to removing uncertainty and disconnects in my relationships. I’ve learned to pause at times, even when I believe I have the solution. Give the other person the opportunity to settle, figure it out for themselves, but do not delay if things are beginning to feel painful.]

I think online dating has its own place. For me, online dating was like training wheels as I got back to the thought of dating and relating to some other person, after my divorce. But online dating is only going to get you so far. Locating the areas where you join with another person (besides the bedroom) is part of the joy of about another individual. Are they running? Is there any way you can connect together, even when you aren’t a runner? Is there a game you used to love but have not done in a while? Ask. Maybe you may get a new experience together. The”together” part is vital. If you’re moving towards a long-term connection, then it is the”collectively” moments that matter. What you’re doing is less important. This is the reason why binge-watching a show with somebody at your side, is much more satisfying that doing it alone.

When you feel that an”ouch” attempt to articulate what is feeling off to yourself. Then accept the notion that you might be the part that is off. The anger and frustration could be yours alone. Or you might have hit a cause of a past hurt that must come up for healing with your new spouse. When something strikes, people may tend towards isolation and psychological exits, as opposed to turning into, and back towards, their spouse. Find the best way to name and feel the hurt before you expect your spouse negotiate a solution or any compromise that will feel better for you. And here is the truth: your spouse can’t make you happy.

FIVE: Fearless honesty.

This one goes to the heart of the issue. Be honest with your spouse at all points along your journey together. When things are off, attempt to express this in a compassionate manner. If things are not working out, say something. If you are planning your escape (breakup, divorce, next relationship) allow the present partner know. Let them know before beginning executing your exit plans. And when things are great do not forget to say it. Allow the tender stuff out too. Feeling a moment of vulnerability? Tell your partner. Feeling especially well-attached, tell them. Find your partner stunningly beautiful, say it. Give them the gift of your joyful honesty too. Do it often. Learn how to express your joy and your sadness. Give the gift of honesty to your spouse. Ask them to do the same.

We take a million steps daily in our lives. Have a mindfulness day and observe your activities. Does this meal I am preparing tonight support my spouse? Try and keep the Notion of the WE in mind. As a couple, the WE is all about respect and attention. If I have thoughts and ambitions, or when I want to get away for a weekend, I should want to check on the WE part of my life. “here is what I’d love to do this weekend. It’s a simple gesture, but we could forget the WE or take the WE for granted. In exactly the same vein, do not make plans for your spouse without checking-in. It is not about control. It is about love and respect. You love this person enough to place your relationship with them beforehand of any spontaneous decision or program change you want to make. Consider your partner in every one your actions. Ensure that you are turning towards them{} away from them.

SEVEN: Agree into a simple strategy.

Agree to contact your partner in every area of your life. If something is difficult it may be coming up for recovery. A recovery that only a loving partner can offer. As you proceed from past hurts and past relationships you’ll probably discover some tender points. Make these moments of connection and healing. Your spouse is invested on your happiness. Releasing old wounds to the flame of a new love is the best way I know of regaining your vibrant self. Go for it. Find the spouse of your dreams and commit to building the relationship you deserve.

Love is an active travel. Your participation isn’t optional, it is mandatory. Give your partner all you have and expect the same from them. This manner, you can both move closer together, move through old scars and dysfunctions, and develop a relationship that becomes all you’ve ever desired.

In a loving relationship, I could become a happier version of myself. I believe that is what we’re all hungry for. Being happier in our own lives. For me, this entails a romantic relationship.

Always Love,

John McElhenney — life trainer austin texas

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If we assume the following truth in all our interactions and strategies, we may be able to give up some of the stress and anxiety that we self-inflict on our own lives and the lives of those around us.
There’s absolutely not any hurry. I have all of the time I need.
In fact, we’ve got tons of time in our lives. We have precisely the amount of time we want. Needless to say, the fact is we have just the time we have, no more, no less. But if we trust in our god, in our program, in our higher power, if we’re following our greatest purpose, if we’re living our lives, we’re being given exactly what we want in this moment. And this one. And even this one.What would happen if you were able to unwind and let go of your expectations and aspirations for a couple of minutes and just breathe in the approval of this part of becoming a human being instead of a human doing.I have all of the time I need. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, in this very moment. A can begin from this moment to guide my activities towards my greatest purpose in all my words and actions. I will pause here and love my life and the lives of those around me. As I go forward from this moment, I’m relaxing into the arms of my high power and the”greater plan” that’s above my comprehension. I can attempt to guide my life and run things by my roadmap and time, OR I will go a little bit and permit my spiritual guide to direct me. Listening to my high calling, I will make decisions now based on planning towards my greatest purpose. I can say no to actions and answers that are pointed in advertising adverse direction. Now I will breathe in this fact for a couple of minutes. I’ve got enough time. I’m committed to living my best life. I walk forward from this moment in coping with my religious values and my authentic self. Intentional and Adaptive Negotiation in Love I woke up this morning needing several things. Like Winnie the Pooh, my initial enthusiastic question for the world was,”What’s for breakfast?” And then, of course, my other 40-acres voices came to the scene. Piglet’s voice is concerned about time, money, and getting everything done on our to-do list. Eeyore’s voice appears with some grief about my work schedule and”I wish I did not have to work now. This rain will most likely make destroy everything.” Let us look at how this could play out as a few discusses what to do for breakfast on a Sunday morning? The first partner expresses a desire to go with the flow and permit the other spouse to pick. The next spouse says,”How about we cook something here and spend some time together?” The first partner then revises their first option. “Well, that would work, but I was thinking of heading out as an experience for both of us. As sort of a party of the day together.” The next spouse considers this new information and responds,”That sounds fantastic. Can you like texmex or something different?”In this simple discussion about what we’re going to eat for breakfast this couple reveals their willingness to permit the other partner to direct the direction of this morning. Then, once the decision is different than they expected, and what they really wanted in the first place, they revised their supply. In accepting the shift, the next spouse can”flex” and combine their spouse in their vision of a breakfast out. Did either of the spouses compromise? Did they finally join in their choice?And I will tell you this Sunday discussion and breakfast went really well.The three-point formula for negotiating love relationships: Listen for what your partner is expressing. “Flex” when things are simple and join with your spouse as opportunities arise. In aligning our activities, intentions, and words, we can align with another individual for a couple. In the long term, this is the only way to approach relationships: uncompromising honesty. I invite it. I celebrate your honesty to tell me when things aren’t working out for you. And I promise to do my part to allow you to know what I need, what I want, and what I am flexible about. And as we go forward we can rest assured that the connection has become a priority in our lives and our unique agendas are big enough to contain a partnership.Proceed, listen, and be {} .Always Love, 
Pinterest More articles from The Whole Parent:

building a loving relationshipIn life and love: What would happen if you were able to unwind and let go of your dreams and dreams for a couple minutes and just breathe in the approval of this part of becoming a human being instead of a human doing.

The article The 3-point Formula for Loving Relationships: Where You Lead I Follow appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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Emotional Intelligence Principles for Long-Term Relationship Success

Before we dig into this profound issue, let’s dive in with a definition of emotional intelligence.

From Psychology Today

Emotional intelligence denotes the ability to recognize and manage one’s own emotions, in addition to the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence is usually said to include three or more skills: psychological awareness, or the ability to recognize and identify one’s own emotions; the capability to exploit those feelings and employ them to tasks such as thinking and problem solving; and the ability to handle emotions, which comprises both regulating one’s own emotions when necessary and assisting others to do the same.

Emotional Intelligence at a Long-term Relationship

There are 3 elements to emotional intelligence.

Are you able to sense your emotions and own them as your own? Yes we get triggered by other people (being cut off in traffic, as an instance ) but tagging and feeling those feelings can take somewhat more effort. When I am cut off in traffic I feel my anger instantly, but I identify feeling and tag it anger. It’s very important to tag emotions as they’re happening, so that you can respond appropriately. In the event the rush hour ass who cut me off, my reasoned response isn’t to respond. I may yell at the driver from inside my car, letting out a number of my own anger. (But another driver can’t hear me. I’m doing them no harm.)

My response to anger (my own or that of my spouse ) is my pick. I can use that anger at the moment to pay closer attention to the way I am driving. I can take that anger with me as I drive to the tennis court for a challenge game and I will release the anger to the tennis balls and topspin crosscourt forehands.

The most vital skill of emotional intelligence is regulating your emotions (self-soothing) and helping others do the exact same when required. If I let my anger in visitors to run my life or ruin my day, I would be letting the feelings to handle me. I decide to shout in my car with the windows up, thus setting my anger and allowing my body express its anger. Concerning self-soothing, I discovered that rush hour traffic had lots of chances to piss me off when I drove without awareness, and I learned that crying in my car was a simple release of this tension in my body when I am triggered by somebody else’s inconsiderate or bad driving skills.

In a long-term relationship, you’re likely to be given lots of chances to be triggered by your spouse. If let yourself be vulnerable you’re allowing your open-hearted existence to be getting at a high level. When this loving action isn’t received you may feel anger, sadness, or indifference. In the case of connections, it is the indifference which we must watch out for. When we recognize ourselves saying”fuck that” I am moving in the opposite direction, we could learn how to recognize that as indifference. Your opinion and activities have minimum effect on me, I will ignore your request, your feelings, and I am going to do anything I want. Indifference is the reverse of emotional intelligence.

As I move into a loving relationship I must fight against my”fuck it” reaction when things do not go my way. I must trust that my spouse can and will get my pain, frustration, or sadness with all the care we have started to establish as an emotionally intelligent couple. When our interactions begin trending towards indifference it is time for an intervention of some type or an end to the relationship. We must hold each other with emotional intelligence, both from the regulation and management of our own psychological bodies, but in attention and care to the WE of the connection we’re trying to build.

When Emotional Intelligence Fails

If we are less connected to our bodies bad things often start to happen.

  • We blame others for our anger
  • We consume or use alcohol to numb our ragged feelings
  • We isolate ourselves, fearing that our hectic psychological state will harm or frighten our spouses and friends
  • We stop trying to process our emotions and get over them and only let them destroy our day, our week, and poison our interactions with others
  • We allow our bodies to move into poisonous shame or burn {} the suppression of our feelings

It’s apparent, being more emotionally intelligent has benefits for both spouses. And it’s critical for any relationship to survive the long haul, which will definitely present opportunities for expansion. Relationships with other people is the only way to construct emotional intelligence. You are able to practice and hone your skills in any connection.

The cashier at the grocery store may seem distracted or mad in a way that begins to make you respond. Identify the emotion (I am getting pissed); two.) Harness the energy (I will say hello and break the isolation); 3) I will control my own emotional response and see the interaction for what it’s (she is mad/angry/indifferent) and I will maintain my calm and joy, just enabling her to be where she is.

In relationships, you can allow your spouse to be precisely where they are, but so as to grow and get closer as a couple, you have got to become vulnerable. You’ve got to recognize the emotion at the moment, exploit the energy coming up in yourself, take responsibility for just YOUR emotions and activities. Then you must let your spouse have and possess their own emotions. And if you will need to request a modification in the events which triggered you, or if these causes become more of a routine in the relationship, then you’ve got to look at ending or changing the relationship.

Failure to Thrive in a Relationship

I read and processed Brené Browns BRAVING for this partner, but things {} progress. We were unable to make progress in our psychological processing. Here is how that looked.

Something would trigger my buddy and their emotional body started to take over. Frequently they would glaze over and stop responding to some queries, apologies, or opinions.

I would attempt to hold the higher ground and start what I called”going meta on the issue” and attempted to regulate my own emotional reaction, but I tried to hold the space for her to just”be where she is.” In this action, I had been hoping to care for my emotions or fear and frustration in getting upset my spouse. I had been allowing her the space to process her psychological experience however she wanted to. I stayed near her and assured her that I had been present, not departing, and dedicated to working through any matter with her.

Progress and Commitment to Change

The problem was, she wasn’t prepared or able to process what was bothering her. Yes, she knew I’d said no to an offer for closeness, but she did not know why my”um, not right now” was so upsetting to her. And at the moment she was not able to get her part of the”trigger” and start processing the psychological moment with me. Rather, she froze and hauled from the present time. Frequently she would be suspended for the whole night. This gave me lots of chances to feel triggered myself. And mostly, I was able to just stay present for her, promising her I was nearby and still loving her.

It’s absolutely normal for romantic couples to activate one another. It is essential, really, for growth to occur, for each partner to allow themselves to feel their feelings as deeply as you can. When a dark one comes up, it’s vital for a person to process this pain with somebody else. In the best-case situation, this processing can occur with your spouse. Another healthy approach to process these upsets would be to operate through the causes with a therapist who will help you determine the deeper emotional wounds which are causing the shutdown or isolation.

But, once the parter proceeds to shut down or react in unhealthy and indifferent methods and won’t have their side of the issue, it may be time for some serious reconsideration. In the event of my freezing girlfriend, I made a variety of spoken and clear petition for her to practice {} mental intelligence with me when these triggers would appear. After the 5th or 6th psychological departure, even after we had had the”I’ll do better” discussion, it was clear that no progress and no commitment to change was being provided. My spouse was miserable with her triggered behaviour, but she was reluctant to check at what was causing her to exit the connection emotionally.

Seconds after we broke up, I asked her,”Do not you think it may be helpful to work through those triggers and psychological shutdowns with somebody who loves you and who’s prepared to work through them with you?”

“Not really,” she said.

At least she was honest.


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3 Required Traits for Building a Lasting Relationship

dating as a single dad

I’ve been divorced for nine decades. And in those years, I’ve spent the past six of these working pretty hard at finding a willing partner and starting the trip from the”hello” date to the first kiss and so forth. I loved being married. I wanted my marriage to continue. Even if things were rough between us, I had been the one on the optimistic side of the counselor’s couch saying things like,”This is a terrific moment for us to reset our expectations about how we will pay for this lifestyle we’re enjoying.” Well, that did not work out so well.

Since my divorce, I’ve attempted to grow as an emotionally intelligent guy. I have worked on myself. And I have gone on lots of dates. (I even wrote a book about it: Single Dad Seeks) And over the past few relationships, I’ve started to discover a balance between what I am willing to put out there of my vulnerability. I also have learned lots of things I’m not ready to take in a partner.

I’ve approached dating as a procedure to identify, qualify, and finally partner with a single girl. The dating part is vital, but dating isn’t the objective. Sex is vital, but gender, also, isn’t the objective. Working to identify and research a combination of those three variables, is how I’m navigating my approach to finding my next long term connection.


It’s very important that my spouse be able to express and experience pleasure at a high level. And I have a lot of it. If my partner is somewhat more demure, a little more introverted, this might become a problem since it was a couple of girlfriends past. But when my pleasure got going she would often withdraw. A number of this was introvert vs extrovert stuff, but some of it was her fear of flying. When you have pleasure and you match your pleasure with somebody else, the sky starts to open up for the two of you. It is like you every magnify each other’s energy and positive outlook.

I’ve had periods of my life where I had been too damn positive. I still need to check with myself every time I say,”It’s fine.” Typically, I’m responding to a disappointment or miss in my connection. When I say,”It’s okay,” I am glossing over my pain, occasionally missing instead of acknowledging the pain. Or does it suck and I am just trying to make light of it? There’s a huge difference.

I must watch for this in spouses also. When they’re too agreeable. When they offer hardly any opinions about where to eat or what movie to see. They may use the joy thing to be passive in the connection. I would like an consciously joyous spouse, not one who just goes together saying everything is terrific. I can feel when things are terrific. And that mutual sense of joy becomes exponential when you’re with someone you care deeply about.


In my early years, I didn’t get sufficient empathetic attention. Chaos reigned in my home, and it was every man for himself. My sister, who had been 10-years old, was my protector during the gunfire, but she too was a kid. We did not learn how to process the anger which was flowing through my dad. We did not have any tools to dispell or release it later. So, guess what? In the beginning, it was somewhat frightening to me, when I’d begin crying with a girlfriend. I was not always certain what was tripping me making me sad. An empathetic listener can feel with you, comfort you, and be with you as you encounter a memory or a present disappointment. And that is all.

The following trick in being a excellent empathetic listener is to be present and provide your loving attention. It’s not recommended to provide suggestions or advice at the moment. Simply be with the man who’s in pain. Hold a secure place for them to express what is happening in their lives or in their recovered memories. And just hold them. Hold the silent space for them and let their ideas to direct what they want next to cure themselves. As partners, we’re not therapists or trainers. And we’re champions. But we must maintain our guidance and our own hurts to ourselves if our spouse is profound in their feelings. (See Brené Brown’s BRAVING)


As we build our relationship together we’re going to hit areas that feel uneasy. We will step on toes, awaken old patterns of distress, and provide our partners a chance to experience pain. That is part of what a holistic and loving relationship is all about: we can comprise both the good and the bad feelings and not be scared of either one.

If we’re the triggered spouse, and we get angry and overwhelmed by some event or any behaviour of our spouse, is it our duty to take possession of our own hyper-emotional state. Even if we can not recognize it in the present time, we can admit that if a enormous rage comes flying from us, it is probably not about the dirty towels on the bathroom floor. The triggered spouse must take charge of their own procedure at this time and ask for a workout. (Yes, the non-triggered spouse can request a time out as well if they’re starting to feel overwhelmed.)

At this time, the triggered and emotionally charged partner should seek out a safe quiet place to allow the feelings to show themselves in a deeper level. Inside we know that it’s not about the towels on the ground. We must stop and listen, research, and feel what is happening in our bodies. It’s in this recovery phase which we can learn so much about ourselves and our past hurts. And from those moments we can see glimpses of where we want to go by releasing and getting free of those unwieldy emotions.

As the last part of the process of retrieval, we will need to request a repair with our spouse. This is the greatest act of great faith and trust in a relationship. The repair is essential for both partners. We will need to reconstruct the bridge which was torched during the moment of fury or despair. We will need to reestablish the goodwill and good intentions of both spouses to remain close and to stay close even when these hard moments occur. This way, we’re hardening our love and build confidence for our future.

With no bright outlook on life, we are not going to get beyond a first date. Empathy comes during the initial date. How can your spouse respond to your divorce or break-up narrative? And in the end, the repair usually does not come until some fracture has occurred. It’s very useful if you have some Brené Brown BRAVING discussions in front of a blow-up, but it only takes one partner to maintain the higher ground. If one spouse remains clear and steady there’s room for another spouse to have a moment.

With these three resources in a relationship, you’ve got a better prospect of building the long term relationship you’re craving. Very good luck. Be brave.


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