Ask Erin: My Fiancé Ghosted Me

When someone ghosts someone, it is generally because they’re too cowardly to have an uncomfortable conversation.

Q.

Hello Erin,

My fiancé ghosted me.

We have known each other for 40 years. We spoke and texted daily. 

He wrecked both of his cars. His mother fell and broke her hip. The previous text I got was how much he loves me. 

I see he’s on Facebook. Our status remains”engaged.” We’ve got several hundred friends in common. It has been four days. 

A.

Ouch. Being ghosted when you are in a genuine connection is even worse. I’m sorry he’s pulling this juvenile behavior.

When someone ghosts someone, it is generally because they’re too cowardly to have an uncomfortable conversation.

And it does seem like he is avoiding you. Attempting to decipher why is futile.

You said he shattered both of his cars. Reckless driving? The way you phrased it indicates he’s been displaying some from control or destructive behaviour on his part. You also said that his mother fell and broke her hip. I’m presuming you mentioned all this to signify he may be under plenty of stress.

Guess what?

It requires a whole 30 minutes to send someone a text. If he is struggling, if he is stressed, and he’s at a place where he needs some distance, he could tell you in a text that’s simple as:”I am really struggling with everything on my plate. I want a little space. This has nothing to do with you. I adore you, and we’ll talk.”

Might you be annoyed or worried? Maybe. But that’s a great deal better than drifting in the great unknown.

I don’t believe you will need to be in touch with your spouse 24/7, but you’re meant to marry this guy, and he ought to be able and willing to keep you in the loop.

You would like a spouse who has sufficient maturity to communicate with you.

And he can not be too young because you’ve known each other for 40 years! This avoidance behavior is a very big red flag. Do not kid yourself. He’s a grown man behaving like an adolescent.

This is what I think. Don’t marry him. Not without some excuse and time to rebuild that confidence. Let us say he contacts you daily five and everything goes back to normal. That doesn’t erase the four times of a black hole in the communication section.

As opposed to waiting for him to decide when he is going to restart communication, why not think of what you would like.

Would you like a partner who shows so little respect he strikes you for whatever reason for days a moment? Would you want your sister or daughter or best friend to marry somebody like this?

No. You don’t. You wouldn’t.

If he comes back and you wish to proceed, I strongly recommend you delay the nuptials and find some premarital counseling. With the support of a therapist, it is possible to clearly communicate with each other what your expectations are for this union, what you will and will not put up with.

Good luck and do not forget to keep the focus on what you want and need instead of letting him control the circumstance.

This narrative  by Erin Khar initially appeared on Ravishly, a feminist news+culture site. Follow us on Twitter & Facebook and check out these related stories:

Ask Erin: Why Is My Boyfriend Preventing Me?

Ask Erin: I am Being Ghosted — How Can I Get Closure?

On Ghosting: Oh, The Lengths We Will Go To Prevent Confrontation

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