Swiping isn’t the enemy,
but do not forget your long-term targets.
When a person is in a healthy relationship his whole body becomes energized. When a couple’s sexual desire has been satiated, a great deal of fresh energy and optimism is created. What many of us are searching for is a place to call home, a individual to call home, a buff to curl up together and be heated by touch. It goes far beyond gender, but often sex is just one of these relationship rubricks that’s very important to sort out. What do you wish to do? Would you prefer to do it today?
Men often get the wrapping of being unfaithful mates because of our high hormonal demands for sex. While the arousal response seems to be easier for guys, I don’t feel that we are any more likely to wander our everyday route in search of sexual conquests. If, on the other hand, we aren’t in a relationship, or when the connection has gone frigid, there is a totally different hunger we believe in our physical bodies. When I’m not in a relationship I ache for touch. I may identify my love language as signature, but I think it’s more basic than psychology.
As I search through the internet jungle of Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid, and Match.com, I was like an unhappy lion, hungry, sad, and predatory. I scanned the various online herds for possible prey. I composed my profile as lightly as I could. I had phrases such as,”Not wanting to rush into things, just start out as friends,” and”Let’s meet for coffee and see there is a spark between us.” The language happening in my animal brain was”I will die if I don’t find someone to be with. I put that in my relationship profiles as often as I could without appearing obsessed. But all of us understand, a long-term relationship is a long way from a few dates.
As I flicked through countless girls I started to notice several things about the instincts which were running my hunt.
- I was repelled by girls who held drinks in Each photograph
- I had been flexible with hair/eye color and body type
- I was looking for something apart from fairly
- I leaned towards darker skin and hair types
- I had been attracted to athletic and thin girls
- I was also intrigued by girls of all shapes when I got a sense of pleasure from at least one of the photographs
- I had been afraid of girls who were too amazing
- I had been profoundly interested in a woman’s ability to say exactly what she was looking for in a relationship
- I had been attracted to girls who showed a passion for something (a game, a creative gift, a profession )
And the number one thing I was looking for
at a woman’s online dating profile was:
expressions of inner pleasure
As I swiped and hid countless girls I started to see how it was like a game than real life. The majority of us were online seeking a spouse. Our goals for that partnership could vary widely. And, the mere act of opening my Bumble account when somebody had liked me, was like getting a fast hit of pleasure (dopamine). And that high became something that I got addicted to. The game. The hunt. The chase. And, in the case of online relationship, the letdown. Yes there were countless girls to navigate through, but after weeks of flirting and swiping with my results, my powerful negotiation to secure a”hello date,” were bothersome.
I started to call my swiping experience the Twitch Jungle. Prowling through the sea of”available girls in my area” I got into”twitch mode.” There were numerous profiles to see on the four sites that I needed to become more effective. I allow my lion-instincts take over. Here is how my listing above drove my quest for a spouse.
- Drink hand — nope
- Glamour shot attractiveness — nope
- Sporting actions in profile or photographs — yep
- Too match, obsessive language about exercising — nope
- Too much makeup or hairspray — nope
- Killer smile — yep
- Profile mentions one of my passions — yep
- Profile cites”happy hour” — nope
- Radiates pleasure out of her eyes — yep
- Tennis — yep and!
I managed to quell the hundreds to the thousands and then start the direct conversation via messaging and finally a telephone call. And here the challenge was exchanging enough information to get a feeling of the compatibility and then requesting the meetup. Would it be in a Starbucks, a neighborhood wine bar, or on the running trail? All these venues have their advantages and disadvantages. I became pretty good at allowing the girl give the first”inform” on her taste. By way of instance, I might ask,”Maybe we should meet face-to-face to get a tasty beverage of your choice.” This enabled them to follow their own first date taste.
One More Touch Before We Move
As I started to grow tired of the”hello dates” that were obvious wastes of time, I started trying to talk on the telephone before setting a date. It is amazing what you can learn from the noise of a person’s voice and how they listen, speak, respond.
And then, since the date was underway, I had been seeking the clear clues about our compatibility.
If we linked up on those items, then another date would be a simple conversation and finding the”next available time” might provide some clues about another person’s interest level.
Here is where the real challenge starts in a relationship: both spouses will need to share the leadership. In my past, I have led too much. I have driven the love, the actions, the pace. And frequently I overran another person. Either there was a mismatch in chemistry and desire, or they had been overwhelmed by my amorous reality distortion field.
Let us both determine where to go in our future. Let us both listen to what another person wants, as opposed to assuming we know. And let us get away from the swiping frenzy and to the process of building a lasting relationship. Swiping isn’t the enemy, but do not forget your long-term targets. For me, it was a long-term relationship with a lively, honest, and energetic girl. The rest of the details are malleable.