The Awkward Silence


That horrible, awkward silence that occurs occasionally on a date. You understand just what I’m talking about.

You are sitting on a date. You have been looking forward to this date. You’ve build up an entire fantasy in your thoughts about this person. You really think this will be the girl (or the guy ) for you.

Now they’re sitting next to you. After about twenty or twenty five minutes, but the conversation only kind of dies. Then there’s that awkward silence.

It’s funny. When you are with somebody for quite a long time, you have what people call comfortable silence. In the first twenty minutes or half an hour of the start of this so-called relationship that you were so sure was going to happen, however, it is known as an awkward silence.

So what do you do in that circumstance?

At those moments, it is time to produce a joke. It is so nice, is not it? It’s like we have been together for quite a long time. We are both eating our burgers at the moment, and we are having that comfortable silence that people have who’ve been dating for like six months. Do not you believe it, too? Are not you as comfortable as I am right now?”

Kind of make a joke about it, because most individuals are most likely nervous. Plus, bear in mind that there are permitted to be silent periods in discussions. You don’t need to just keep rambling on and rambling on and rambling on nonstop.

Now, sometimes, there’s silence on a date for a different reason. Perhaps twenty minutes or a half hour to the date you understand that there might not be as much chemistry between you as your head had imagined there would be.

If that’s the instance, that awkward silence may be due to a complete lack of chemistry. You may play that scenario two ways.

One, you do exactly the thing which I told you to do, i.e., make a joke about it, and then try to complete the date as enjoyably as possible. Two, you may take a look at the man and say,”Hmmm, do we have a lack of chemistry” Because I do not suggest going with the second option, I suggest that you go with the first choice.

This post was formerly published on Davidwygant.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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What Being In the Moment Means to Me


I have been asked what living in the moment means to me, and what my internal processes are as to how I reside in the moment. I have been asked how I deal with my own demons.

I like my demons. It is interesting, because to me living in the moment is the only thing to do.

The one thing that actually means anything is right now. Right now as I am writing this blog, I am staring at the hills and the shore, and I am thirsty. That’s all I am feeling at the moment.

Maybe I will have other ideas that come in afterwards. When my girlfriend comes home, I will think about what I wish to do.

You want to dial in that, and realize you won’t really understand what you would like to do until you are in the moment. You could attempt to plan things out, thinking maybe you need to catch dinner or have good sex, but you do not know what is going to happen in the future.

If the telephone rings and I answer that, then a new moment is made, and when I choose to pick up the phone then I shall give that person 100% of my focus in that moment.

It’s crucial for you to see that the moment is all we have. When you are out on a date, the one thing you have right there at that moment is that you and that person looking into each other’s eyes and speaking.

If you believe about how the date will end or how you want the date to finish, then you are not present in the moment. If you are considering what happened with your last connection, then you are not present in the moment.

One more thing about living in the moment and processing it, is if something bothers you then you will need to spit it out at this moment. You can not sit there arguing with your girlfriend or boyfriend and having it not feel right because you’ve got something to say.

If you feel you will need to take the time to think something through and process it, then that is fine. If you feel something at the moment that you wish to share, however, do not bury it.

Living in the moment to me means having the ability to say what is on your mind 24/7, being able to remain connected to where you are at, and being receptive to everything that is presented to you at the moment. It means being able to do everything without letting your mind wander and think.

How many of you have difficulty staying current in the moment?

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The Way to Get a’Proper’ Breakup


I get asked a lot about how to”correctly” break up with somebody. Breaking up is a really tough thing to do. I have written about this previously, but I keep getting this question. So perhaps I need to tackle this subject again.

You can do it like Sylvester Stallone and split up with someone via FedEx.

You may also can sit down someone, look them in the eyes and be 100% honest with about how you’re feeling. You may tell the person exactly how you feel about them that you love them as a person but you no longer romantically feeling them. You may let them know that you are great as friends but not good as fans.

Honesty is really, really tough for certain men and women. By being honest, however, you’re allowing someone to not live at any questions or doubt, and it enables them to proceed. It will of course hurt in that instant, but then that person can begin healing and proceed.

Too many of us don’t allow a person to heal. By being honest with somebody when breaking up, however, you’re allowing them to begin healing.

So share with me now some of the toughest times you’d breaking up with people. I’d really like to hear from you guys.

This post was formerly published on Davidwygant.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Where’s the Compassion?


Someone recently said to me,”These specialists on training, finance and company are making money on things that nobody has to be taught. It is 100% instinct. The men and women who use their instincts don’t have any reason to want someone to teach them how to date. It is just plain common sense.”

That’s a wonderful quote. I will agree with it… 100%.

Forget about all of the experts — especially in finance and dating. I mean, come on.

Look how good Americans are in fund. Look at all the fantastic things they have done to themselves.

Look at the amount of those who have borrowed from their home believing that the real estate market was about to go up 100 percent each year. Look at all the men and women who kept their money in the stock exchange during the. Com heyday, believing their shares could go up 200% each year.

Yes, people do not need financial help in any respect. People — the vast majority of people — clearly require a whole lot of financial help. Something like 95 percent of individuals who win the lottery have been broke within six decades.

People today need financial help! A buddy of mine purchased a home in 2005. In Los Angeles, homes went up in value 132 percent in five decades. He thought that homes would continue to go up and up since there’s not any more land in Los Angeles. Now he has lost $300,000.

So according to this quote, people do not need financial assistance? It is”just plain common sense?” Really?

In terms of dating, sure I will agree that it also is”just plain common sense.” In this case I’m really not being sarcastic.

The thing is that people do not trust themselves when it comes to dating. They’re reluctant to approach. They are afraid to say what is on their mind.

When they are on a date, they are scared to challenge somebody since they’re searching for validation and acceptance. They need to be liked. They need to be loved.

Do not get me wrong. I adore people who figure out things by themselves. I love people that are financially secure or are good at dating all independently.

The issue is that a large part of those people today believe everybody else should be like them. It was so simple for them, and they have no empathy for others that are screwing up in these areas and are not mastering them independently.

Allow me to tell you, the 80/20 rule is accurate, and 80 percent of the world is screwing up. They do not get it. They do not understand. 80 percent of the world can not balance their own checkbook, make a budget or walk throughout the room to approach someone of the opposite sex.

When people say something similar to the quote I put at the start of the blog, I say to them,”You don’t have any compassion.” If you need assistance in 1 part of your life, you ought to go and get it!

If you need help with dating, you will find people like myself that can assist you.

Really, a lot of what I teach is to get people to trust their instincts. I teach people how to trust themselves, love themselves and how to become self-aware.

Shame on you to the man who gave me the quote that began this blog, for believing that nobody has to be taught these things. Shame on you.

There are several people out there who are lonely, angry, angry, and bankrupt. So many lonely folks who can not date, who can not make the ideal relationship decisions, but according to whoever gave me this quote they ought to just figure it out by themselves. It is all instincts and common sense.

The thing is that these people’s instincts and common sense have not gotten them anywhere. So why pass judgment about those folks, and about their decisions to seek help. Passing judgment on people is why we are in such a mess in this country.

I really like that I teach people how to date, the way to meet people and how to love themselves. I have compassion for it and I love it.

So come on people. Stop judging others that are having trouble with a portion of the life, and start supporting them.

I can imagine what happens when the girl who gave me the quotation at the start of the blog has a friend come to her for guidance. She probably only says to her friend,”Just use your common sense.” I can even imagine how badly and how embarrassing that friend must feel after hearing this.

This lady should say to a buddy like this is,”You know, I may have gotten this part of my life so, but I can totally understand where you’re at and how you’re feeling. Let us find you some help and the ideal people to speak to about this, so that you can make this part of your life”

Let us start supporting each other and stop judging each other.

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Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? Purchase here: The Great Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood

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15 Things Introverts Crave In Romantic Relationships

Are you currently dating an introvert and not quite sure about what an Introvert wants from a relationship?

Let’s talk about details. Introverts are terrific lovers.

They aren’t as tough as you believe them to be. These dreamy-eyed lost souls will keep you wondering’what is going on in that gorgeous mind.’

They’ll take you to get a’mystery ride’ but leave you madly in love as soon as you click well together.

Here are 15 things An Introvert wants from a relationship:

(Promise, we do not need much from you, except for these few things)

1.

on a lazy Sunday afternoon, while watching our favorite show.

2. We crave your approval,

Just the way we’re — mad, daydreaming, overthinking, cluttered individuals.

3. We kiss your protective arms

Like we’re babies, who must be loved and pampered.

4. We crave to plant the seed of our never-ending, ceaseless, love,

That will one day grow in leaps and bounds.

5. We crave to look deep in your eyes

Until every ounce of our love is sipping through and drowning you inside.

6. We crave your patience to wait

Until we say exactly what we want. We’re slow in processing, but when we start doing this, our mind is going hayward.

7.

To believe in our capacity to express everything once we are overwhelmed with emotions.

8.

We need time to unwind, energize ourselves, and steer clear of all kinds of social interactions and what we’re expected of.

9.

With the life-giving energy potion, and return to you with replenished power to appreciate and care for you.

10. We crave your compassion, to understand us and connect to us outside the Standard

So you can feel us deeply, more intensely and our marriage happens at a higher kingdom.

11. We crave one to be our muse, our rhythm, and inspiration;

We would like you to be the reason for our masterpiece, our love child.

12. We crave your mastery over the understanding of us.

We would like you to notice our small declarations of affection, the tiny attempts we make to make you feel special — the parties which we both rocked, laughing and drinking with our friends.

13. We crave to go for a couple of trips with you —

Where we could both enjoy quality and private time in the lap of the quiet nature embracing us and curing us.

14. We crave one to take a tour in our thoughts, in our dream land,

One of the many characters from our favorite books, that we fell in love with. Do not be jealous of them, as you’re the protagonist of the distinctive story we’re writing.

15. Last but not least, we would like you to know that we’re trying our best to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

We try our best to never let that lovely, glowing smile fade from your face.

Introverts treasure the near

relationships they’ve stretched

so much to create. — Adam S. McHugh

From SHREYASI DEBNATH

An editor and writer keeping keen interest in painting, creative writing and reading. I did my Masters in Clinical and Counselling Psychology and have been a counseling psychologist in a primary school for the last 1 year. I enjoy doing absolutely anything that mends a mind and soothes a soul. Most often than not, I ponder over to produce poems. A wandering soul in search for significance.

A version of the post was formerly published on TheMindsJournal and is republished here with permission from the author.

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–Do you need success with online dating? Online dating can be fun and easy if you avoid these six errors that guys most often make when dating online. Here are the six biggest mistakes men make online when calling a girl for the very first time. 1. Not Reading A Woman’s Profile: of all of the mistakes men make, this is among the biggest. Guys won’t see a lady’s profile, then move to email her anyway — even if they aren’t in her age range and do not enjoy any of the exact things she likes. It’s wonderful how many guys will only look at a picture of a woman and send her an email, when that lady would be 100% not interested based on what she said she is searching for in her own profile. When you do so, you are just wasting somebody’s time.2. Being A Winker: in the event that you really read women’s profiles on the internet, you’d see that a good deal of women request not get winks or state flat out that they do not respond to winks. Since plenty of men online are extremely lazy, thoughthey will go online and send out a hundred winks at a night hoping that one girl will react. When you do so, do you understand what that tells a girl right from the get-go? It informs her first that you did not read her profile, and second that you are pretty desperate. They do not care who reacts; they just need someone to react.3. Sending A Generic or”Cut’N Paste” Emails: Sending a generic or”cut’n paste” email when you haven’t read a woman’s profile is one of the biggest turnoffs to women online. Men will send an email to a hundred girl saying something like,”Hey, you and I’m really a game. Read my profile and check it out, and let me know what you think. When a woman reads this, she knows you’ve put no effort whatsoever into it. She knows it’s a generic email, and she isn’t going to react to it.4. No Follow-Up: Lack of follow up is another massive mistake guys make online. A guy will send an email to a girl, she’ll send you back to himand then he’ll wait rather than respond to her email straight away. He does not follow up until three weeks later when he will email her and provide some sort of excuse about being really busy at work. Do you understand what a girl thinks when this occurs? She believes,”Well he clearly emailed ten individuals, and that I was number four on his record. You do not make her feel important that manner. If you email a girl, you ought to follow along with it — both in terms of returning her mails and asking her out on a date. Women want men that behave like men, have a plan and follow it.5. Commenting On Her Picture: Commenting on a lady’s image shows her that you did not read her profile. If you write,”Boy, you look really good in that dress” or”Wow, you look sexy in that bathing suit” it shows a girl that you’re solely a visual man. Doing it’s overly sexual right from the get-go. It turns girls off. Girls want you to not just read their profile, but to comment on something she states in it. It shows them that something in their profile joins with you in some way.6. Talking About Yourself On Your Email: speaking about yourself in your first email (and first contact) with a girl and before you ask her a question is a major mistake. What you’re doing when you do that is being a”lister” — what I call guys who need to list all their good qualities to market themselves into a woman. Online dating is a whole lot of fun, but you will need to look at it otherwise. You will need to appear at your first contact with a girl as though you were meeting her live and in person.When you look at it this way, you’d never send a girl a list of your great qualities or make a comment about how sexy she looks in her swimsuit on the very first conversation.Think this way, and you will have greater success online, not turn any girls off. ◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? ◊♦◊If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS. A whole list of advantages is here.–Photo credit: Istockphoto.com

Let us begin with not reading a woman’s profile.

The article The 6 Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Contacting Girls On The Very First Time appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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–Lots of folks fear relationship failure. Putting trust in somebody can make us feel vulnerable. Some people even feel that the more they care for someone, the more at risk they are for being hurt. Recently, I met with Claire, a bright twenty-eight-year-old instructor who reflected”The notion of forever terrifies me, I just can not see myself with Jake forever but I am madly in love with him.”Claire is an attractive professional that has been dating Jake for over a year and continues to wonder whether their relationship will work out. When Jake talks about their future together, Claire usually changes the subject or indicates that they talk it on another occasion.You don’t need to be a commitment-phobe to be terrified of losing someone you love. You can be walking on air and madly in love and yet dread that if you open up yourself to another individual, they’ll hurt you and you’ll miss out on love. I don’t think so and I have actually interviewed hundreds of girls who discuss your fears. It can be odd wondering if extreme love may cause dwindling fire and even possibly divorce.Even though you might now in a relationship that is satisfying, do you ask yourself: what will my connection look like in five, ten, or fifteen years? What if I get everything I’ve always wanted? Can I even know what it felt like to be happy and don’t have any reservations, doubts, or fears?Do you have fears about spending forever with somebody even if you love this person? However much you love somebody, you might have misgivings a few days and this is totally normal.However, fear of connection failure may hold you back and keep you from being your best self. It can restrict you by inducing nervousness and fostering a pessimistic attitude about the future. Many times, even in the most blissful moments, there could be a lingering thought in the back of your mind your relationship might not work out, and that it’ll all come crashing down around you.If you can relate to dreading relationship success, I ask you to consider the following: Know that no connection is conflict free, but you’re worthy of having a relationship that makes you happy. If you are not there yet, adopt where you are now.It might feel uncomfortable to have a”perfect” relationship. Needless to say, no such thing exists, but how odd would it feel to be at peace and content in a relationship? To have complete faith that my spouse has my best interests in mind? Wouldn’t it be somewhat unnerving?Since all of us grew up in a culture where divorce has been widespread, it is clear to wonder whether our romantic relationships will continue. For a lot of people, particularly brothers of divorce, pain is what we understand. Conflict is what is comfortable. Addressing an inaccessible spouse is in our wheelhouse. A spouse who desires nothing more than to be with us and make our pleasure his/her top priority is alien. 6 suggestions to help you cope effectively with doubt in relationships: Accept that love is a risk. Accepting this will relieve your sense of anxiety and enable you to reside in the moment. If they’re completely honest, the majority of them will admit they fear — or have feared losing a loved one at some time in their life. Remember that new love or devotion stirs up past hurts. When you fall in love it may trigger feelings of past harm, loss, or rejection since we are all impacted by our background. Challenge your ideas that you aren’t good enough. Loving someone may make you wonder how lovable you’re. You may ask yourself: am I good enough with this man who I adore, admire, and love so much? Deal with fears head-on. Speak to someone you trust, write in a diary, discard these feelings in a safe way. Exercise being exposed in tiny steps and speak with a therapist or close friend about your expansion . Do not allow your fear of rejection or beyond hurt keep you from attaining the love and closeness you have earned. Trust and vulnerability are crucial facets of achieving intimacy in relationships. In accordance with Dr. Brené Brown, disengagement is the most dangerous element that erodes trust in a relationship. The only way to prevent this would be to risk being exposed with your partner by asking for help, standing up for yourself, sharing unpopular opinions, and having faith in yourself and your spouse.The best risk is letting yourself fall in love — that requires letting go of control and fear of being abandoned or hurt. Opening up to your spouse can make you feel vulnerable but is the most critical ingredient in a loving, trusting, intimate relationship.Intimacy may be a significant source of comfort and supply predictability in an uncertain world. The reality is that all relationships end, through separation, death, or divorce. Why waste time being obsessed with fear of your relationship end? It’s likely to be exposed and close to others without losing parts of your self. Using this method, you will be able to restore your faith in love, trust, and intimacy. ◊♦◊Have you read the first anthology which was the catalyst for Your Great Men Project? ◊♦◊If you think in the work we’re doing here at The Great Men Project and wish to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, now. All Premium Members get to See The Great Men Project with NO ADS.Need more info? A whole list of advantages is here.–

Lots of individuals fear relationship failure.

The article Crazy in Love and Dread Losing It appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Four Ways Your Dating can Harm Your Health

Four Ways Your Relationship can Harm Your Health

Four Ways Your Relationship can Harm Your HealthThey state that your connection status can help improve your wellbeing from helping to decrease your odds for becoming sick to living a longer life. However, what they do not state is that just like a connection can help your health a poor one (or rather parts of a connection ) can do just as much harm to your wellbeing. Have a look at these four ways your relationship can damage your health and why.

1. The”Letting Go” Impact

In a recent study conducted by the University of New York it was found that people tended to gain 10-30 pounds after getting settled into a long-term connection. The reason is that after you’ve found someone to be with your are less conscious about your looks and let yourself go… from not exercising as much to eating more and worrying less about your external appearance. Weight gain, an extra 15 pounds, can place additional pressure on your body that could affect everything from the heart function to your hormone balance and much more.

Anxiety from the Relationship

All relationships can incur stress whether it’s problems communicating, financial issues, not seeing eye to eye with everyday matters or something else. Anxiety can cause the body to maintain a constant state of anxiety and stress that makes the organs work harder simply to function properly. Stress may also play havoc with weight, emotions and hormones, doubling up on the stress already from in the connection.

3.

Sleeping next to the person you love can do a world of good to help you unwind and get a more restful sleep… however, if your partner has sleep issues like snoring, insomnia, sleep apnea or the like you may wind up have sleep difficulties right alongside them. In a 2005 survey done by the Sleep Foundation, the results revealed that the people polled reported that a greater prospect of fatigue and disrupted sleep when their sleeping partners suffered from a sleeping issue themselves.

Depression from the Dating

Much like anxiety, depression can have horrible affects on a person’s body and when a connection is experiencing turbulence those inside it are more likely to experience moderate to severe depression. When a man is depressed it reveals both inward and outward from a less joyful demeanor into a diminished appetite (therefore a reduction of weight), all of which may put additional stress on the body.

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Do You Respect Your Partner?


Have you ever been driving when that adorable little gas guage light comes on, and you examine the computer that says”30 Miles To Empty?” I wonder how it knows that, because I drive until the car says”Refill Gas Today!”

So it is kind of like the car is lying, kind of like how a person is lying when they say”Give me a second.” I believe the identical person invented the term”give me a second” and the”Refill Fuel Now” message.

You can tell it is Saturday since those are about the only thoughts in my mind. Good thing I have a site written, otherwise the”refill gas today!” Message could have been the subject of the blog.

So onto a less “gassy” topic…

You might not respect your partner? Think about all of the people in your life. Consider your best friends. You honor your friends, otherwise you would not be friends together.

Do you really admire the person you’re dating though? Do you really respect their wishes and the things they want to do? Do you make sure that there is sufficient balance between the things you like to do and what they want to do?

Say among you’re a late night person and the other is an early morning person. Can you compromise about this? Do you respect each other’s needs and desires? It’s actually important that you do. A great deal of people tend to tune out or dismiss their partner’s wishes.

Say your spouse wants to go out for supper to a Chinese restaurant. You had Chinese food for lunch, but you know how much your spouse is craving it. You just kind of do not answer them. You enter silent mode and hope they do not ask you again.

Here is how you should manage it. Do not ignore them. When you ignore a person, they will immediately begin to believe that the answer is no and {} not on the same page together. You don’t need to do this.

It is only human nature that if somebody asks us to do something we are not actually in the mood to do, we’ll often go on mute mode (and will just ignore the request). Pretty soon what happens when you do so, however, is that your partner will begin to think you are not interested in doing this thing together (when perhaps you just are not interested in doing it that night).

So if your spouse wants to go to a Jazz club one night and you are not in the mood that day to do so, answer them by saying something like”No, I am not in the mood to go listen to jazz tonight and get drunk. Let us do it tomorrow.”

Therefore, don’t dismiss somebody when they have a desire. Do not dismiss somebody when they need something. Just let them know you are not in the mood for it that night, otherwise you’re likely to cause your spouse to form all kinds of incorrect opinions about you.

This post was formerly published on Davidwygant.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Photo credit:  Istockphoto.com

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Drama-Proof My Relationship?

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

Your pillar here and on Kotaku have helped me a great deal before and I’m currently in a situation where my friends are giving contradictory advice and I felt like that was the ideal place to turn for clarity.

There is some context before I (she/her) enter this specific situation: I am currently a graduate student in a program with a fairly small class size and that’s led to a somewhat poisonous atmosphere where gossip reigns supreme. I have managed to stay fairly under the radar with a reasonable quantity of work, maintaining my private life totally personal, distracting questions, and making it clear I do not tolerate BS in regards to work. The worst my relationships with classmates gets is that the degree of remote but cordial coworkers.

I became close with just a few classmates and realized a couple of months ago that I have feelings for one of these. I was planning on talking to him about it and seeing if there was any chance he would be interested, but lately things have happened that have made me wonder how well I know him. He and I are friends, but we have known each other for less than a year and lately he pulled some shit that prompted plenty of class gossip. Some have fairly obvious, deliberate lies, some fairly obviously directed at his buddies to find out what our response would be.

A couple people were hurt by what happened, but we have talked to him about it. It was a very honest conversation and we are all still close. I thought I’d worked through it because the hurt was accidental and what happened was a group of mishaps and honest stupidity. The entire story wasn’t even that bad it was only a collection of stupid decisions in the worst possible circumstances.When we spoke, he also seemed to understand that a whole lot of his activities came out of the very typical man thing where he did not unpack plenty of his justification before just diving into things. He appeared to be serious about trying to be better and also to thank before he acts. However, I am hearing different accounts about what happened from various people, and a few friends who do not understand everything have fairly negative opinions about him today.

My question is this: if I still have that conversation about relationship with him? I have kind of powerful feelings for him, and I do trust he explained the truth about what occurred. I really don’t want to get sucked into this bizarre middle school drama my app has going. Is it selfish to be concerned about my reputation? I actually just want clarity but is that worth all of the possible hassle?

Before I get to your particular question, RA, let us work backwards. Yes, it is totally reasonable not to want a relationship due to the drama-bomb it may set off on your life. It might be that they’re in the center of a controversial and bitter divorce. They could have a profession that puts them under the microscope, along with your relationship them may invite people to pry into your life also. Or they are someone who lives their life by the”hold my beer” doctrine and does not give a second’s thought to the possible consequences of their actions… especially if those are impacts which other individuals have to manage.

However, by the same token, I have seen plenty of awesome individuals who have been fucked over by circumstances out their control. They’d orbiters and stalkers who strove to make life miserable for anybody who’d date them. A whole lot of times, the objective of these movements is not simply to fuck over someone for the LOLs but to completely isolate them from anything resembling a service community — from friends to lovers to co-workers to companies.

I’m not gont lie: it takes a special sort of person who’s willing to stand together with the target of that type of potential shitstorm, and those people can be tough to discover.

So in the abstract: {} understandable that you may decide to not date someone due to the possible drama. However, by that same token, you are allowed not to date someone for any reason you decide on, in the drama llama in their own lives to how their nose whistles when they breathe. Folks get to choose what their private deal-breakers are, however absurd it might seem to an outside party.

Now with all that said, let’s discuss your situation, RA. You have a couple things that you would like to take into account before you dive into this specific relationship.

The first is straightforward: how much can you trust this man versus the men and women who have first-hand details? However, by the same token… sometimes that gossip is not malicious, it is defense. There’re tons of spaces where data is distributed by whisper networks since the culture supports and defends the poor actors over their victims. Even the famed Shitty Media Men record was shared as a means to let girls know who to be watching for, not to slander innocent guys because FUCK YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY.

So you are gonna need to make a gut-check about if this man is being straight with you — both about what happened and how he is trying to do better.

The next question is: how much does this gossip really influence your life? It is one thing if you are handling high-school bullshit — snickers from the halls, whispers and dirty looks and absurd rumors. It is another if these are behaviours that may actually affect your life — both in the here and now and when you complete the program. Are these individuals who’ll attempt to isolate you from friends and family by making linking with you poisonous to their social wellbeing?

When it’s just annoying high-school mean-girl shit: are you ready to dismiss it or grit your teeth and power through it till you complete your graduate program? If it’s the latter… well, frankly, if things are that bad, I would be more concerned about getting the fuck out of the program over relationship someone.

But the last question you need to ask is the most important: is this man worth the possible headaches? This is not an idle question; any relationship will come with its own particular challenges and it’s own slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Some of us are completely worth it; they are reasonable people in unreasonable scenarios, and a connection with them will be enriching and amazing that it is worth the fight. Others are not; they might be a dirty great time, but the possible drawbacks outweigh what they bring to the table. After all — as Alanna Massey famously put it — dick is abundant and of low value. Everyone has their flaws, so concentrate on the great and what attracts you to him. If he’s a fantastic man who perhaps needed to learn how to think before he acts and reveals he’s really willing to meet his potential, then it could well be worth the possible gossip and drama. If this is a man who is a fantastic time but not always a love for the ages… well, there are other Slab Squatthrust’s out there who do not include a side-order of dull social politicking.

Very good luck.

I am a woman in a long-term relationship with a guy. We do not have too many problems in our relationship and those we do have we have talked about and are actively addressing. There’s 1 thing though, that is sort of come up as an issue that we have talked about but do not really know how to fix: stickin’ it in my bum.

He has never done anal and wants to try, I have tried it and love it with a considerate partner (which he is). However, the couple of times we have worked our way up to it, his body hasn’t actually cooperated. He is hard while he lubes up me and I am playing with his penis, but he goes soft when he attempts to put it in. I guess he’s psyching out himself — he puts a whole lot of focus on how he sees this as a sort of gift that I am honoring him (I really don’t see it that way, but I never saw any harm in that belief until today ), and I wonder whether he is dealing with performance anxiety. We have talked about it and he sets down it to lack of stimulation whilst managing the logistics of speed and positioning, but admits he might also be placing too much burden on the act to have the ability to perform.

We have set an unspoken grip on things for now — I guess if he keeps trying and failing it is going to turn into a Big Thing in his mind and it’ll get worse. We’ve got a perfectly satisfying sex life without it, but I know he still wants to try (and I am kinda excited about being his first in this specific arena).

Do you have any ideas about getting over the cock-softening mental block? I am more than delighted to keep him physically aroused during prep, but I would love some suggestions about the best way best to maintain his heads in the game also.

Thanks!

I guess part of the problem your boyfriend is having is that he sees anal as this large undertaking — the type of thing that is generally reserved for porn rather than something that girlfriends do. The fact he’s treating this as a”present” you are giving him, instead of a new and distinct sexual activity that you like, leads me to think he thinks you are not into this. If he is holding on to this idea that you are doing things under some type of duress, or that you are only doing this for him, then I am not surprised he is deflating a bit. It is sweet — he does not need to do something he believes you don’t want — but it is going to be a continuing problem if he can not bring himself to take”YES YES YES” for a response.

Now there’re various alternatives for the physical side of this equation. The two of you can, by way of instance, head over to the local sex shop and find a cock ring. Lots of men and women use cockrings to keep their erections; the rings help limit the blood-flow within an erect penis so the blood can not leave the penile tissues and leave him at half-mast. This would help mitigate the dilemma of trying to maintain his hard-on through the prep and warm up.

However, I guess the better answer is to dial back on penetration for today and instead, work anal play in a routine sexual routine. When it’s the (gentle) use of hands, a butt-plug (be sure it has a flared base) or other forms of anal stimulation and play, the more he experiences you appreciating buttstuff, the less he will see it because this sacrifice you are making on his behalf. By demystifying it and taking it out of being this deep event and more just one more way the both of you please one another, he will have the ability to escape his mind and put his focus where it belongs: on both of you.

She and her partner Matt have quite a few great educational comics about anal sex and anal play, which might help him get over any hang-ups he is considering getting up in there.

Very good luck.

This post was formerly published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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