10 Signs You Are Emotionally Wounded That No One Notices

You cry easily over little things.

Whenever you have psychological wounds, it is for you to be in tears because you always feel the pain within yourself. You may cry over books or movies and you become emotional when you see something which touches your heart. When you end up crying too much, listen to your internal well-being as it may be a sign that you are hurting inside.

2. You eliminate interest towards the things you used to enjoy.

Emotional wounds will make it tough to concentrate and focus on the things you used to do. You’ll be demotivated as your negative emotions are probably more in charge than you understand. The more you do nothing, the more you’ll feel the pain of your emotional wounds.

3.

Having psychological wounds will make you triggered emotionally by people’s behaviours around you. The emotional wounds that you have had will force you to stay away from interactions with others and it results in social withdrawal. Even though having an excellent time with yourself is important, bear in mind that being open with other people can also help you reduce the pain of your emotional wounds.

4. You feel unworthy and impossible .

Having emotional wounds will almost certainly make you look back on yourself and feel unworthy. You may blame yourself and feel dumb for being hurt so much. You’ll also feel hopeless and broken beyond repair. When you feel like you’re at the lowest point of your life, try to reach those folks that are really close to you. Let yourself be cared for and loved, because social support could boost your self-esteem and make you feel better with your own circumstances.

5. You keep replaying the terrible memories in mind.

When you can not overlook a painful experience on your past and it keeps replaying in mind, there is a risk that it has come to be one of your emotional wounds. Your inability to forget a painful experience is in fact a sign that you ought to acknowledge that adventure and accept the harm. Try to identify and search for the reasons why it made you hurt so much and accept being hurt because of the experience is wholly okay and normal.

6. You feel too much until you are numb.

The majority of the time, your emotional wounds are so debilitating it makes you feel instead. You may go through the day almost on autopilot that makes you care less about your environment. You do not feel sad or happy; you just exist, but you do not feel alive. Your numbness is in fact your coping mechanism to endure from your emotional wounds. Attempt to regulate your emotions because it might also be a coping mechanism for lowering your emotional distress.

7.

You overthink since you don’t want to get hurt again. Therefore, you may feel that it is important that you think and control everything about you and instead of feeling better, your overthinking habit will make your psychological wounds even worse.

8. You get a chaotic sleep program.

Due to your overthinking habit towards your emotional wounds, it is going to not be easy for you to fall asleep at night. Your mind will be filled with ideas and the night is normally the time when you’ll feel so desperate, lonely, and depressed. Your sleep schedule will change as it is difficult for you to sleep at night and you’re going to overcompensate through the day.

9. You feel stuck and helpless.

Emotional wounds may also make you feel so lost and confused. You may feel like you have nowhere to go and no one can truly heal your wounds. You’ll have so many negative self-talks inside of you and your head is usually tangled all of the time. Try to restrain your confusion and untangle your ideas by writing in a diary and remember to take it one day at a time.

10. You realize that you will need to be healed.

Even though it’s difficult for you to describe it to others, you just feel as though you’re broken inside and you understand precisely what you will need to be healed. You will search for many distractions to get over your emotional wounds and as time goes by, you may understand that they will not be cured within one night. Having psychological wounds is completely okay as long as you admit and admit it. Look for some cathartic actions to heal your wounds like writing, playing music, meditating, and doing sports.

In the long run, no matter how painful your wounds are, you will heal and get over it sooner or later. You’re doing okay.

A version of the post was formerly published on TheMindsJournal and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Having psychological wounds is completely okay as long as you admit and admit it.

The article 10 Signs You Are Emotionally Wounded No One Notices appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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Hey Doc,
It has been a year since I joined the army, and looking back, I am in a much better place today than I was then. When I joined, I had just removed from school due to drug dependence and was living with my parents, feeling like dirt.

A year after, and I have a far better relationship with my parents, I have lost weight, and I am doing well financially. By all of metrics, I feel as if life is going better, which I have made immense improvements.

So why can not I stop feeling like a fucking loser?

Once I was skipping class, doing drugs, dismissing my well-being and relationships, I had been getting more dates than ever and felt more confident than I do now, despite my entire life being in shambles. In my head, I moved from an awkward nerd who had difficulty talking to people let alone girls, to somebody who partied, hung out with friends, and might chat up girls easy.

And I have built up myself. But I am not valuing that. And I can not stop believing that the me that seems when I am an addict is more attractive than the me who has my shit together.

I can not even trust my own mind. I guess that is why I am asking you; How do I get myself to begin valuing my accomplishments? I need to have the same confidence I had before but without the identical self-destructive habits.

Very respectfully,
Hyde wishing that he was Jekyll

You said it yourself, HWHEWJ:”on your mind.”

It is not that being an addict made you a cooler, more confident person: you are just remembering it that way. I mean, let’s be honest here: if life were {} , why would you stop? By your own admission, you’d dropped out of school, your relationships were awful and your life was falling apart.

We are not objective, impartial observers of fact; we lie to ourselves all the time. We distort our own memorieswe edit the unpleasant components and choose to only focus on the highlights of yesteryear. That’s among the reasons why, by way of instance, we are tempted to return into exes that we know are bad for us. It is also part of the reason we’re tempted to return to lifestyles which we know were ruinous.

That’s before we {} in mind-altering substances. To quote a wise man, everybody knows you will life forever once you’ve done a line or two. It’s quite easy to believe you are thicker, suaver, smoother and more attractive once you’re drunk or high. But the issue is that your ability to judge your state is severely diminished. You are not thinking clearly… you just think you’re. In your mind, you are the second coming of Oscar Wilde, falling bon mots and holding court into a room filled with admirers who are hanging on your every word. In fact… well, you’re the man who is slurring about his doctrine, laughing at his own jokes and overlooking the annoyed, uncomfortable and bored looks on the faces of the people around you.

And look, I am as guilty of this as anybody. I have had too much to drink and thought I was the smoothest of the smooth and the coolest of the cool… and in fact, I was being an obnoxious asshole to people.

The parts I remember in any way, that is.

At this time you are at a low point. You are missing that bullet-proof assurance you used to have. It does not matter that it was illusory, odor and smoke out of your own mind; you miss the way it felt, even when truth doesn’t line up. And that is totally understandable. But here is the thing: you have that confidence. You have the capacity within you. It is not that drugs magically imbued you with confidence and the gift of gab, it just turned down the volume on the sections of the brain that were holding you back. It is less Dumbo’s magic feather and much more Dumbo’s magic mushroom.

You felt that way before. You can feel like that again. You can still party, you can still hang out with your buddies and you can still talk up girls. You may find your confidence again. You’ll need to do it the hard way — not using the medication as a short-cut — but it can be achieved. You begin by recognizing what you have and learning to be thankful for them. Simply quitting and taking inventory of your life is a fantastic means of recognizing that you’ve got more going for you than you understand. And you have a lot to be proud of; pulling yourself back from the brink and rebuilding your life is really goddamn impressive.

The fantastic news is that you’ve got easy access to this too; you have got your brothers and sisters in the military… your literal squad. Let that be the basis for finding those significant, emotionally satisfying friendships, particularly with other guys . You can still hang out with your buddies without needing to be stoned out of your gourd.

And while you are at it, find your community. One of the things which can help build up us is feeling like we are part of something larger than ourselves. Your service in the military is one example. Another may be what you do once you leave the ceremony. Finding — or creating — your neighborhood and your goal will provide you leadership and fulfilment. You will have the feeling of satisfaction, of knowing that you are doing something which matters will help build that sense of confidence and make you realize just how much you need to offer.

Recall: the past you recall is an illusion, a mirage. It is a dream that obscured the ugly facts of your situation. You are in a position to reconstruct it… for real this time.

You have got this.

I am just coming from what I believe was my first connection, but to be honest I do not know whether it is over, or if it even begun. I am all mixed up and feeling lonely with no support she would normally be giving me. The events leading up to it are odd to say the least so I will begin at the beginning.

A couple of years back, two friends of mine started dating. I have been friends with a few of these — we’ll call her A — for three decades, but we were not super close. I had been friends with another man — who we will call B — for eight decades. A and B began dating around two-ish decades back, and they had been going steady ever since.

This season I started going to the gym. However, things began to get tough in her relationship, and she and her boyfriend fought a lot. It culminated in B damaging A, and performing some pretty bad psychological damage. I would rather not disclose the specific details of what happened, but this was lifelong injury levels of hurt.

They dragged out the connection for about a month later, through which A came to me for comfort, while B turned off all of the help I offered. I opened up in ways I have never opened before, and managed to get emotional support in a way that {} really common between men. Furthermore, it felt as though I had been genuinely helping someone to be a happier person, which gave me a excellent warm and fuzzy feeling. Over all, everything was terrific. I had found someone who I could genuinely call my very best friend, a name I had never wholeheartedly given out before.

Here is where things go wrong. A was separated from her ex for about a month and a half, though the breakup was just formalised a couple weeks ago. At this point in time, A and I were hanging out one or two times per week, and we talked every night before bed. I realised that had feelings for A, but I did not really understand them. I could not tell if I liked her, or if she had been just a friend who also happened to be extremely attractive.

Her last relationship had left her {} pretty ruined, and she said she did not want a complete relationship yet. I was going to let it go and move on when she said she would be amenable to being casual, and that she had really had a crush on me because before the big bang that ended her relationship. I was ecstatic. I had never been in a relationship before, and I had never been close with anybody as I was using A. I was afraid {} ruin our friendship when she turned me down, but what was going better than planned. The next few weeks were paradise. We had sex a few times, and we spoke even more publicly than before.

Unfortunately, school ramped up, and we did not have enough time to hang out. I had been feeling a bit lonely. In my drunkenness, I decided to “test” her. I pretended to be gloomy and denied interaction from anyone to determine if she would come and check on me. She sent a friend to do this because she believed she was too drunk to assist. I translated this as her not deeming me value the time. It was a dick move. Apparently her ex used to do so and she actually did not like that I did it too. She became distant during the next week before telling me she was angry, and I was hurt that she had not told me I had messed up earlier. It has been downhill from there.

And now we have reached the present. We have been talking lately. Apparently what she had wanted from”being casual” was casual hookups along with being friends. What I thought she had meant was an open, short term relationship. She revealed to me lately that things just got to close to a complete connection for her comfort. She has been wobbling between wanting to be friends with benefits with me, needing to cut off things, and everything in between.

I believe I still have feelings for her, but I do not really know. Last time we hung out was before everything went bad, and we had a excellent time. I wish to continue to spend some time with her, but she keeps leaping on what she wants. She is leaving for out of town soon, so she will be gone for some time. I’m all mixed up inside and I do not know what to do. This is not just the first (nearly ) relationship I have had, but also the first time I’ve really liked a woman this much. I know that a critical relationship is wholly out of the question, but I would love to go back to the way we were before.

Will we ever have the ability to return to being close buddy like before? The support from this was amazing and really helped me make it through the entire year, and I would like to return to that.
Is it possible for us to be intimate, but also be friends, with this happening again?
How do I tell how she feels? Everything she says contradicts something she’s said, is contradicting something that she ends up saying afterwards.
What should my next steps be? I truly don’t like the concept of going nuclear with her.
How can I avoid this type of thing happening again in the future?

Best Wishes
-All Mixed Up

Hoo boy.

This was… not the ideal connection for your first foray into relationship AMU. While I do not doubt that you and your buddy had a real relationship, there was plenty of crossed wires, miscommunications and complicated background there.

The fantastic thing is that this is {} to offer you a great deal of much-needed experience that will serve you well in future relationships. Assuming, of course, you really learn the lessons from this one.

And the first lesson is do not test your relationships. You were drunk, you’re feeling low and you’re having doubts. But there is feeling low and having doubts and then there is trying to make your girlfriend jump through hoops to be able to prove… something. Part of the purpose of being in a relationship with someone is learning how to trust them and to rely on them. If you’re concerned about things or have questions, the solution is not to see if she will pass your ordeals three, it is to use you words and speak to her.

That, incidentally, is the next lesson. As long as the two of you were, you were not speaking with each other… not in how you should have. The most obvious disconnect occurred right at the beginning. Among the main parts of getting the Defining The Dating Talk is to really define your terms. It’s pretty apparent that you and A had quite different ideas and expectations of the sort of relationship the two of you’re likely to have. She, on the other hand, expected to simply add sex to your preexisting friendship without expectations of monogamy and commitment.

If the two of you had had a conversation about what you anticipated and defined your terms, things may have turned out otherwise. You may not have been so upset by her being busy with school and inadvertently reopened the wounds that B gave her.

So taking your questions in reverse order:

  • How you avoid this in the future will be to prioritize clear and open communication. Ensure you and your prospective partners are on the exact pages about what you expect from the connection, and do not be afraid to express your feelings to them.
  • Your next step is to speak with her, find out what she wants and allow her prioritize her recovery; she’s not been outside of her connection with B quite long and when things were as traumatic as you said, she is going to need time. That may, unfortunately, mean time away from you.
  • You tell how she feels by speaking to her and ensuring you understand what she is saying. It is not that she had been asking for conflicting things, it is that you two were talking at cross purposes. You’d conflicting ideas of what this relationship would entail and that detonated the entire thing.
  • No, I do not think you are going to be FWBs again anytime soon. I think you are going to have to acquire more relationship experience under your belt before that is a real possibility, and she is going to need time to concentrate on getting over her past relationship. If you can return to being her friend and letting go of your hope to get back into her pants, then perhaps. But again, this will depend on her.

Unfortunately this leads into your next semester: not everything can be fixed, no matter how badly you need it. Sometimes the consequences of your mistakes is that the connection is permanently changed and can not return to what it was. The one thing you can do from this point forward is see what this new connection will be… or if there’ll even be one.

But that is going to depend on A. And the only way you can ever know for sure is to speak to her.

Very good luck.

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How Difficult Are Relationships?

I believe this is a true analogy. Relationships are hard and a union especially requires a whole lot of work to maintain. Some married couples seem to be super happy all of the time. However, you don’t understand what goes on behind closed doors. Individuals may appear happy on the outside and {} struggling on the opposite side of the door.

That does not mean that marriage is not worth it. It only means that it requires a whole lot of work and communication from both parties. You may mend that confidence but it requires hard work. Regain the confidence of your spouse in any way which makes sense to you, but I think the best way to fix your relationship is to speak with your partner. Whatever that means for you, whether it means using a one-on-one conversation privately or visiting a couples therapist on a regular basis; both of these are viable choices.

I used to think that if my amorous relationships were hard that there was something wrong with me{} I know that that is not correct. What’s true is that it occasionally feels like a relationship is ending when actually something should shift or change. Because it’s a silly thought to believe you”failed” in a relationship. A partnership means that two individuals are involved; two individuals who have distinctive personalities. A relationship is not a failure because two people are having difficulty connecting. It merely means that two individuals are having difficulty understanding one another.

And the reality is that we do not always understand each other in life. Life is filled with miscommunications and misunderstandings. That is certainly present in {} relationships and marriages. So what’s the solution? How can we work through these crossed communication cables? We try our hardest to find things from another person’s standpoint. We stop ourselves from being judgmental and rather curb that urge and be supportive. Perhaps you don’t know what your partner wants or desires, and if you do not then ask them.

Making assumptions about what your spouse is thinking or feeling is exactly what contributes to communication break down and bitterness. I’ve personally seen bitterness mutilate relationships. So rather than being resentful because you are not getting your needs met, ask for what you want. But perhaps we can all work with it. Perhaps there is a way to get what you want from your partner by being truthful. It is also about reciprocity; you give your partner what he is asking for and then he gives you what you require.

Perhaps you have struggled with how challenging relationships appear to be? What’s your greatest challenge?

A version of the post was previously published on huffpost.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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What Screws Us Up Most in Life

There’s at least one missing child. A beautiful little thing I would love intensely. Maybe this would be the first holidays where she was old enough to be excited about a visit from Santa. Maybe she looks like her mom.

Of course, maybe she’s not a girl at all. Maybe my third-grader has a little brother instead. Three little boys, even if one of us is disguised as an almost-40-year-old.

The house is different. The plan was to move.

Thanksgiving and Christmas Day plans are different too. What was supposed to be busy and filled with family will be something else.

Maybe my imaginary daughter or son would have just been disappointed anyway.

I always had an idea in my head about what Life would look like. It never occurred to me it would be anything but that. But then Real Life happened.

We’d always talked about two kids. But after abandoning my wife in the hospital five hours after she delivered our son via emergency C-section, and then leaving the creation and management of baby logistics to her throughout most of our first year as parents, I think I sapped her desire to go through anything like that again.

I once asked her if I was the reason she chose not to have more children.

She said yes.

. . .

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.

. . .

I read that yesterday in MBTTTR commenter Drew’s excellent blog post about marital affairs.

This is a Life Thing I had picked up on when I was still young. I always said: “Expectations are everything.”

And what I mean by that is, my enjoyment or disappointment in something—or rather, my initial perception of something’s quality—was based entirely on my expectations prior to the experience.

Things like movies and books taught me this.

I can go to the theater to see two movies of approximately equal quality, say Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and Avatar; or I can listen to two new albums for the first time—say AWOLNATION’s Run and Brian Fallon’s Painkillers—and my feelings about all of them are predicated entirely on what I thought heading in.

I thought Avatar was going to be the greatest achievement in cinematic history. It didn’t achieve that for me. The Force Awakens met my expectations entirely. Both movies, in my estimation, are of equal quality, but I like Force Awakens quite a bit more, and I think that’s why.

Same with AWOL and Brian Fallon. I expected to like the AWOL album. And I did.

I didn’t have any expectations whatsoever for Brian Fallon (front man for The Gaslight Anthem). And that album kicks ass. I don’t know whether I think it’s better than AWOL’s or not. But BECAUSE it was an out-of-nowhere pleasant surprise for me, I have a major fondness for it.

Maybe everyone does this.

Maybe I’m a little extreme. Or maybe some people are much better at accurately predicting their emotional responses to things, and maybe those people have much happier and healthier relationships and lives as a result.

I only know that pretty much all of my life experiences are impacted greatly by whether Real Life meets, exceeds, or falls short of, my prior expectations.

This has implications for my human relationships I’ve yet to wrap my head around.

This Isn’t Where I Thought I’d Be

Divorce changed everything.

That’s a MAJOR reset-button push when you don’t see it coming, or are in denial about its inevitability once a certain amount of breakage and ugliness has poisoned the marriage.

Everything in the very beginning is a blur.

When everything is broken on the inside of you, the world looks skewed and it’s impossible to tell whether what you’re seeing is wrong because it’s actually wrong, or because your brain’s Reality Calibration is busted.

I had just turned 34 when Everything became Something Else.

After a lifetime of companionship and/or reliable care from loving and responsible adults, I woke up to silence and a reflection in the mirror I hardly recognized.

Everything felt unsteady and out of balance, and even now, I can’t be sure how much of that to attribute to the psychological and emotional trauma of ending a nine-year marriage and losing half of my son’s childhood, and how much was simply the radical change in environment.

Where there used to be a person making noise in the house—Being a mom. Eating dinner with me. Talking on the phone. Watching TV. Walking around.

Where there used to be life and conversation and full calendars and partnership and the pitter-pattering of little feet and the stability and reliability and comfort that comes from waking up to This Is Normal And Right… there was nothing.

A void.

. . .

I was obsessed with dating at first. Not actually doing it, per se because I wasn’t very good at it and it all felt so, just, off. Wrong.

But at age 34 the ticking clock was louder than I’d realized. And I felt like filling the new void in my life quickly should be a priority.

After all, I was clearly the kind of guy who got married and lived that kind of life. Which meant, I faced the monumental task of finding someone who fit what is probably an impossible list of criteria, that I then loved along with any children she might have, and was loved by her (as would my son be), and felt secure enough in all of that to get married again.

When you’ve never been single and divorced before, it’s easy to imagine that happening in a three- to five-year window (which I did).

But then Real Life happened.

The clock ticks.

The calendar pages flip.

The seasons change.

You mark another line higher on the wall where you measure your child’s height.

You tell him to put on a pair of pants only to discover they no longer fit.

One Christmas turns into two, and then three with a fourth fast-approaching.

And then you wake up, and it’s today.

Divorced and Single Four Holiday Seasons Later

There was a part of me during the early days of this blog that believed I’d eventually have a relationship to tell you about.

Not all the nitty-gritty. I keep too much private for that.

But at least a birds-eye view of giving Round 2 a genuine shot while armed with what I believe I’ve learned about life and love and relationships. I thought maybe that would help people. I thought maybe that would help me.

But that’s not where things are.

That’s not Real Life.

In actuality, I’m just a guy who read a crap-ton of New Zealand travel guides so I can tell you all about the country, but I’ve never actually forked over the money nor invested the time to experience it myself.

(That was a metaphor. I haven’t actually read a bunch of New Zealand travel guides.)

But I’m not even sure that’s right.

That suggests fear. And I’m not afraid.

I guess I feel more like the tired old man coaching basketball (even though I certainly don’t think of myself as a “coach,” or that I’m qualified to instruct others in any way). I know what good basketball is supposed to look like, but am not inclined to get back out on the floor to play in any games.

Maybe I feel too tired. Or too old. Or too busy.

I don’t know.

I also don’t know whether to feel good, bad or indifferent about it.

As in all things, there’s some good and some bad.

But I’m learning to have fewer expectations. Less disappointment, you know? Maybe less joy, too.

I wouldn’t know.

. . .

I’m trying to remember what my daughter’s name would have been. The one I never had.

Julianne? Julie Anne? A J-name that stopped mattering the second I held my son.

Or did it?

I think about that little girl a lot. The one who never was.

And the family that isn’t. The one I used to know. And the one I’d imagined with them. And the one I was forced to imagine for a reimagined world.

But I wish I would stop. Because in The Way Things Are vs. The Way They Should Be, I’m not sure we’re always smart enough to know the difference.

And with these little ones involved, real or imagined, how much can we afford to get disillusioned by reality falling short of what we’d expected or hoped for?

. . .

Thank God she didn’t die after birth or from miscarriage.

Or that she didn’t fall ill.

Or that she never ran away or went missing.

Or that the courts never said I couldn’t see her.

Or that her family never lost her precious life.

Or that my son never lost his little sister.

And that we never had to sob over that too.

Maybe I don’t make it to today, had that not been the case.

But there’s still a bit of tragedy in Never Was.

And I can’t help but wonder sometimes about an alternative life where I chose other options and turned to different Choose Your Own Adventure pages with entirely different outcomes.

Because that would have been cute, right? Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade? Showing her massive balloons? Reminding my eldest to be kind to his sister? Putting up the Christmas tree and watching her face as we plugged in the lights for the first time?

I’d have liked that, even if the real-life version would have gone an entirely different way.

I’d have especially liked the part where I told her about that first night in the hospital where I stayed awake all night holding her so mommy could sleep.

Many years later, we’d teach older children how things that seem innocuous in a moment can redefine everything in the future.

We’d talk about having expectations. About the bad. And the good.

About regrets. And triumphs.

About fear. And hope.

We’d all show up, and just be.

Because that’s everything, really. Showing up. Being present. And being invested.

The reason my life is as it is today is virtually 100% because I failed to show up because I was too ignorant to know I was supposed to, too irresponsible to actually do it, or too selfish to actually want to.

It’s not always Life and Death, but maybe just Life and Never Was.

But sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference.

This post was previously published on Must Be This Tall To Ride and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Doctor NerdLove, I was hoping you could possibly help me with an extremely tough situation I am in.

The woman I have been interested in for the last month, who’s also quite a great friend of mine, has a boyfriend who’s by no means a good human being. The other day I found that he’s cheated on her several times and I have decided that as a buddy it’s my obligation to tell her. I’m not positive if that is the right choice, however, and I’m uncertain how to tell her all. If you could please weigh in on this, I would seriously appreciate it! Thank you so much.

Waiting In The Wings

Well, you asked, but I do not think you are going to like my answer.

Here is what you can do, WitW: you back the hell away.

To begin with, let’s be fair here, only you, me and the Web: you are not doing this from the goodness of your own heart. You did not decide that it is your duty to tell her because you’re that great of a friend, you are trusting that when you tell her she is going to ditch her cheating scumbag of a boyfriend and fly to your arms as the person who helped her see the truth. Which, to be perfectly honest, is a fairly shitty reason to intentionally insert yourself into the middle of someone else’s relationship drama.

However, for the sake of argument, let’s match this out somewhat. Let us assume that I give you my blessing to telling your crush about her allegedly philandering beau or you chose to go and inform her regardless. How, exactly, do you believe she is going to react? Here is a hint: she is going to take it seriously. The only question is that she is going to be pissed at.

And the smart money says it is likely to be you. You might have noticed that people do not appreciate bad news. In reality, we tend to get irrationally angry at the man who brings us the bad news, whether it’s their fault or not; there is a reason why”don’t shoot the messenger” is a frequent term, after all. So you are already starting off with your prospective hunny-bunny ticked off that you are telling her that something is rotten in Denmark.

But then there is another step: why should she believe you? Have you got proof? Have you got unquestionable proof which you could actually show her? Proof that could not possibly be clarified? Because in case you do not, then it is likely to be your word against her boyfriend. And sure, her boyfriend could be an assbag, but he is still her boyfriend. This gives him more credibility in her eyes than you’ve… particularly if either of them know that you have got a crush on her. And believe me, if she does not, he almost certainly does. This will be leveraged against you — you are going to look like you are lying up so as to split them up.

Now let us add another wrinkle to the mix: what makes you so sure she does not know already? You do not say you understand when it occurred, if she discovered before, if he confessed or she confronted him {} they have worked or not. None of which will work out for you how you are hoping.

Let us throw a third wrinkle: how would you find out? Can you prowl through his telephone or emails? Because she is going to need to know… and she is going to need to know why, exactly you’re prying into her company. All this will make a difference, since it is likely to be demonstrating your schedule rather strongly. And if you two are not honest-to-god BFFs — that, from the sounds of things, you are not — it is going to seem like you went digging for dirt, even if we grant that your motives were as pure as the driven snow. And that will bring you right back to that credibility issue.

But hey: let us say that you have the ability to thread all those needles and she dumps her good, scummy boyfriend. Assuming she does not lash out at you for inducing her break-up, she is still not likely to swoon into your arms. She is going to be pissed off at men generally and in no mood for the attempting to be the next in line… in reality, she is probably going to resent it. Women do not appreciate it when men suddenly assume that the window of opportunity is open since they have literally just broken up with someone. She is going to need a while to recuperate and your hanging around so as to help her through this ordeal will begin verging rather seriously into Nice Guy territory.

In short: you have got yourself your fundamental no-win scenario. And you’re not likely to Kobayashi Maru your way through this.

This is not your business. Your becoming involved is just going to add another layer of drama to someone else’s relationship. And even under the best of circumstances, it is going to end badly for you.

Leave it alone.

Hey Doc,

Got a question for you. I am a woman who recently took the initiative and asked out a guy I had some chemistry with. We’re in exactly the exact same fandom world, and finding nice and ordinary people among us is quite infrequent.

I started to reach out to him email a couple of months ago. We had a couple of conversations, where he threw in some remarks seemed like bad attempts at flirting. Not everybody has game, right? But after initiating a few discussions, I decided to let him reach out to me, and he did not. OK. Fair enough. Moving on….

Then I reconnected him in a recent event, and he began reaching out to me with gusto — mails, pictures (clothed!) , etc.. He confessed to basically stalking me on social networking, though he does not actually have a social networking presence himself.

So after a couple of weeks of email flirting, I chose to be a grown-ass girl and ask him out. What I got back was a long, rambling email where he admits to being in relationship with somebody else, but he does not want to lose what”we have.” I have never seen evidence of him with a significant other, and I would be very pissed off if a boy of mine was having this sort of relationship with another woman.

There have been a few short email exchanges because my rejection. He has done all the reaching out — I guess either to take my temperature to find out if I’d still speak to him or checking in to make sure I have not sunk into a huge melancholy (trust me, I have not ).

What’s up with guys and their hidden relationships? Perhaps his rambling was a wonderful way to conceal that he just was not into me? Since I’ll run into this guy at forthcoming fandom occasions, what do I do? Frankly, I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated. I sort of want to tell him to go to hell, but I do not want to be the bitter bitch who hates him because he turned me down. I also need to prevent him, but that gets tiring, also. Trust me, if I had any idea he had a long-term GF or would turn me down, there is no way in hell I’d have asked him out in the first location. What was he doing beginning this sort of connection with me in the first place? Can I bother to keep a friendship that he seems to desire even though I know it will not be enough for me?

Thanks,

There are a whole lot of possibilities here TC. It is possible he was stringing you along because he enjoyed the flirty attention you had been giving him. Or it is entirely possible that once you reconnected, he decided you were cool and wanted to be friends. I can not say for certain one way or another — after all, I was not there, and without depriving you both and reading the transcripts, it is kind of hard to say whether he had been flirting — you say his match seemed kind of weak — and if so, how much of it was just flirting because flirting is fun and how much of it had been flirting with intent. All that being said: I do not believe he had been leading you on, and I do not believe he was deliberately concealing the fact that he had a girlfriend. Considering that you are operating in similar circles — fandom will be a small world, after all — it is entirely possible that he presumed you knew he was seeing somebody. Why didn’t he bring her up when you’re speaking? Well: I have not seen the transcripts, but it is possible that the subject just didn’t come up. I have had many, many discussions with my friends — people both — where we do not talk about our significant others just because there’s no call. It is possible — even advisable — to have a life outside your connection after all.

I also am willing to wager {} no idea you were to him. When you straight-up out him, he suddenly realized that you two were not on the same page and suddenly things got awkward. Or perhaps he had a hint that you liked him but was prepared to ignore it in hopes that you would wind up romantically interested in somebody else and you would not have this nascent infatuation between the both of you.

Either way: shit done got bizarre.

Before I get into what to do about this, I wish to deal with your question about what was he doing beginning a relationship with you whatsoever. Something to bear in mind is that men generally have more emotionally intimate friendships with girls than they do with other guys. It’s a good deal easier for men to open up to girls than it is for other men; regardless of how much people can talk about bromances, being open and emotionally intimate with another dude is still seen as being unmanly. The term”bromance” conveys the”ha ha, it is kind of like you are dating” pointed nudging and also not-quite joking, and men can be uncomfortable with this. Thus, we often seek out closeness from our female friends, who have a tendency to be less judgmental and more accepting of emotional openness. When you look at it from one angle, yeah, it may sort of look like a romantic relationship… but it is about fulfilling an emotional need than attempting to begin an intimate relationship or conduct an affair.

But all that aside, the immediate question is: what do you do now that this is out there, flopping about on the table like an Awkward Turtle? At the moment, you are feeling ashamed and probably a bit angry. Take some time to allow the sting fade along with the anger cool off. As soon as you’ve gotten beyond the immediate pain, you are likely to realize that it isn’t as bad as it sounds . Liking a dude who does not like you back the exact same way is not embarrassing. Getting turned down, while sucky, is not something to be ashamed of. All that happened is that you found out that the both of you were not compatible. In the long run, there is no harm, no foul. It’s tough to see it today, but with time and perspective, this will wind up being one of those things you look back with entertainment among the wackadoo elements of the relationship game.

He clearly expects to keep your friendship. As I am always telling men, one of the difficulties with being at the Friend Zone is that you are choosing to remain there. You state that being friends is not going to be sufficient for you — fair enough, that is a legitimate option. Just do not cure his wanting to be friends like he is offering you the booby-prize, or that being friends is a bad substitute for romance.

If you don’t wish to be friends with him and you do not need to spend the remainder of your time preventing him whenever you may be at exactly the exact same event, then I recommend you be straight with him. Tell him that he is a cool guy and you like him, but you’re hoping for something more.Let him understand that trying to be friends with him would to be painful for you and it is not fair to either of you to attempt to continue things when you are longing for something he is not able to provide you with. And then you simply let matters drift apart. If you happen to run into each other at events, then be polite, say hello and just keep going. If things get awkward, then simply acknowledge the awkwardness. It doesn’t need to be a teeth-grindingly embarrassing situation if you don’t let it be.

Very good luck.

This post was formerly published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Our Love Journey Broken Down Into Three Acts

In training thousands over the years with their relationships, I have found a pattern in our love travel. A narrative really, with action breaks, turning points, plot twists, and a lot of the time predictable endings. Although everyone’s story differs, the overarching journey of love is pretty much the same.

In high school, our fascination is based on two things.

1. Identity.

Yes, on the surface you might think his handsome face and how his cute ass jiggles when he scrambles to throw a hail mary touchdown”super sexy.” But how much of you needing him has to do with other people needing him and if you have him, you would think you’re worth more? Can your friends think you’re cooler if the prom queen was your girlfriend instead of just spank material from the shower? And needless to say, it is not the’50s and jocks and prom queens are not the only people we’re attracted to. We also love the guy in the group, particularly if he has his own group, the cool nerd, the skater, etc. My point is these aren’t people. They’re identities. In high school, we’re like forming puddy. We’ve got no inner shape. We specify and find our worth in others since our self-esteem resembles Jello forming in the refrigerator and it’s only been like two hours. Our lack of self-esteem and sense of value is where we really pull from. Not only our hormones.

There are some who will give two sh*ts about identity and social standing and only date people for their hearts and personality. They care less about what somebody looks like and more about how they’ll be treated. But is that the truth or have they been memorizing responses in their mother’s self-help books? Perhaps they truly developed high self-esteem and a feeling of worth that can not be swayed by celebrity and a feeling of self in somebody else or do they think those children are out of the league? Basically not tangible. Which means their self-esteem is far lower so they attempt to compensate for it by making”adult” decisions.

2.

Impulsiveness. Unpredictability. Reactiveness. Controlling. Neediness. Codependency. Enmeshment. Basically whatever connection energetic we grew up in at home. We believe that is what love looks like as it is all we know. We haven’t gone through our love hero’s journey to understand any different. Healthy is foreign to us. And most likely, dull.

Finding our value in somebody else + what smells familiar is what generates the tacky (unhealthy dysfunctional love that seems f*cking amazing!)

If we think we are lacking so we find our worth and individuality in somebody else, the power goes to another individual and / or the connection. If we just chase what smells familiar, because nobody’s family is ideal and no child enters adulthood unscarred, we’re recreating trauma.

This sticky.

Warped definitions of love, a bumpy road of insanity and responding. Unhealthy conflict. Internalization. Losing yourself in somebody else. You’re now doing things you probably would not do. You’re sacrificing voice, compromising self, and puncturing self-esteem rather than growing it. And it feels amazing! Because drama, jealousy, control, and pursuing is extreme and you error intensity for love.

Again, because that is all you know and have experienced.

If we attempt to find ourselves in somebody else within our younger years, we lose ourselves in somebody else within our 20’s.

The majority of our 20’s is all about splattering paint, blindfolded, and hoping there will be a gorgeous painting once we’re done. But usually it is really abstract and needless to say, beauty is subjective, i.e. childbirth. We try to produce a direct beeline toward a secure future with a clean framework.

But that is impossible. We do not know what we need yet. And have not come out the other end of the tube so we do not possess the tools to construct that framework. Like majors in college, what we desire will change a million times. But we do not know that. We believe we are on our path.

There’s absolutely no route in our twenties. There’s simply a wide area of thorns and boobie traps. But also waterfalls and lakes, to perform backflips off of. The majority of us haven’t turned the corner become inquisitive about ourselves and why we do what we do. We’re still walking responses from our past and how we grew up. We simply wear adult clothes and go out to fancy dinners we can not afford.

Not what we think is healthy for all of us. Our choices result in a great deal of pain.

Enter. Empty sex. 1 night stands. Experimentation and things you probably would not do five years from now. Sketchy circumstances where you shouldn’t have come out alive. Zero self-care. Remaining in relationships for a long time. Or not long enough. Both are operating away from self.

Ordering in. Binge-watching. Losing friends as you lose yourself on your person. Two people. 1 bathtub. And finally, psychological claustrophobia as you obviously grow and wish to become your own person. Input jealousy and control and anger from the confusion of another person who’s not prepared and does not understand why you do not”love” him.

The height of the enthusiast / Alanon pull.

But for many, there’ll be a few more laps around that crazy trail.

Our 20’s is an automobile crash.

ACT THREE

Our 30’s & 40’s. Where Our Dragons Live.

We are done with the old. Codependency. Enmeshment. Eggshells. Faking orgasms. Telemundo fights. Non-communication. Looking after people. We’re thirsty for something new.

We’re finally interested in ourselves. Who we are. Where we would like to go. How we would like to be treated.

Our 30’s is when all of the anger and bitterness we have had buried for so long raises its ugly head.

And everybody feels it. Your partner. Your friends. Your loved ones. Your boss. Employees. Things which were important to you do not matter as much as the older you fall like the puppet master let go of the marionette strings. And new things thing. Things that hang on you and your own happiness.

Some friends fade. Some stay. It’s when folks find yoga.

If you have been in a relationship since your early 20’s, this is when that”seven-year itch” appears. Or when folks begin to”outgrow” each other. If one or both parties need distinct. When relaxation is no longer enough. It doesn’t mean it is over. Some make it through the turbulence if they are emotionally in precisely the exact same place and jump from the airplane together before it goes down. But to tell the truth, most do not.

ONE, the relationship was over years ago. They simply stayed inside because of fear. Or children. Or because they did not want to be lonely. Or because they did not want to hurt another person. Or because they do not know what they want, partly because they’ve never experienced anything else, so that they did not do anything about it. Whatever reason, the connection has expired. It is not repairable. Folks have drifted too far.

TWO, you have only been with one person for the majority of your life. You are going to be interested. There is nothing wrong with you and perhaps there is nothing wrong with the connection either. It just means you are human. It is normal to be curious and attracted to other people, particularly in case you have not experienced other men and women. And it is not just about sex. You are curious about another dynamic. You’ve had the exact same meal for a couple of years. This doesn’t mean that you should break up or cheat. It just means it is a true thing and should be explored rather than buried. Whatever we push will always return up.

Life and growth are all about new adventures. It is a circle that can never cease or growth and your development stops. Love is no exception. The great news is you can have these new adventures with the identical person. But only if the two people put effort into developing, changing, and evolving together. But most do not or just 1 person does and that is why so many who’ve been together for so long wind up drifting and finally breaking up.

Our thirties and forties are all about”growing up” which means having healthy relationships.

But we’re not utilised to healthy. The majority of us do not know what healthy resembles. I mean we have read about it but never really experienced it. So now we are in something we think is good for us but it’s also new for us. There is resistance and confusion. Could we be sexually attracted to someone who provides a safe area? Can our very best friend also meet our wildest fantasies? Can we be romantic on a completely different level, the kind we have only read about?

Here is where the road forks and we’ve got a life-changing choice to make.

Take possession of your sh*t. Process what is coming up, where it is coming from, and take responsibility of what is yours. No more blaming. That is what we call”internal work” or”doing the job.”

Shake your love and closeness Etch-a-sketch. Forget your kind or what you think you are or aren’t attracted to. Take in the adventure of your new relationship without labels or judgment and see if you’re able to find something different about them, you, the connection as you paint a new portrait of familiarity. It is not about starting over. It’s about beginning open.

This new outlook will provide you a fresh love experience and that is what is going to shift your perspective, definitions, beliefs, and keep linking you to your self, as you build something that’s different and of value. Because by now you understand intimacy isn’t found. It’s built.

ROAD TWO.

Do not look inward. Do not take possession of your own sh*t. Do not process whatever is coming up with whomever you are with. Then opt to go down the familiar again, as it’s comfortable and feels great. This is where relapse resides and false beliefs are cemented. Again.

Go down this street and enjoy slowly fades into an ideal, you once had.


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Want to Feel Better After a Broken Heart? Then Steer Clear of People Who Suck!

Have you been divorced or recovering from a heartbreak and working to reconstruct your self-esteem? When you are working to get your confidence and construct boundaries, there’s one”hiding in plain sight” barrier that will prevent you from reaching your targets.

And that is surrounding yourself with toxic folks.

  • The pushy one with unsolicited advice that makes you doubt your choices
  • The rude one throwing shade with snide remarks and back-handed compliments
  • The person who blames you and makes himself the sufferer when you call them out on their BS.

Sound like anybody you know?

Is it a sister or brother? That”friend” who says they are”only trying to assist you?”

Literally every individual deals with these people on the daily. They have known you for quite a long time, and understand your sore spots, causes, and vulnerabilities. They have had decades to perfect them.

That is why one of the remarks can leave you devastated for days.

The key about toxic people in your life…

100 percent of the criticism has nothing to do with you. They’re projecting their own insecurities on you and not taking responsibility for their own crap.

Bear in mind the time your sister stated,”those jeans look just a little comfortable on you, do not you think?” Though they knew you were hitting the gym?

They ensured can’t fit in their own jeans, or just saw a picture of the thinner selves in college.

Keep in mind that time you got that promotion at work and instead of congratulating you, your mom or dad said,”Oh, so I guess that means you will be spending much less time with your children.”

They’re guaranteed feeling resentful or guilty that looking back, they missed lots of your youth concerts and games.

So, what do you need to do about these?

Option 1: Continue to let them walk all over you, saying”that’s exactly who they are. This choice is risky since you put yourself in danger of continuing frustration and hurt feelings.

Choice 2: Stand up for yourself. This doesn’t need to seem like a Jerry Springer fight. But it requires courage, especially if this sort of individual has treated you a particular disrespectful way for years or decades.

  1. “Hey (insert individual’s name), it really hurts my feelings when you do/say (insert dangerous action here). I’d request that you keep those comments to yourself.
  2. “Hey (insert individual’s name). I notice that you are always commenting or giving me unsolicited advice on my divorce/looks/weight/recovery/insert whatever they are always commenting on. I’d ask that you don’t do this anymore, at least until I especially request your advice.”

So, a fast heads-up when you stand up for yourself from poisonous men and women. If the individual has some amount of emotional intelligence, they might take a step back and say, “Oh, wow… Sorry.

Or they might get defensive and turn it on you. They may say, “I am only trying to assist you. If you do not want my honest opinion, then fine. ” And they may stomp off or hang up the telephone or stonewall you or any other 5-year-old-at-the-playground silliness.

If this reaction occurs, that’s a HUGE RED FLAG that maybe this relationship is unhealthy. This ain’t the end of the world–it is just a chance to prepare healthy boundaries.

Oh, and I get you might not just have the ability to walk away from this individual so easily. They may be a relative or close friend you’ve known for ages.

But remember–being connected to somebody doesn’t give them carte blanche to disrespect you.

  1. Be aware that a number of the most toxic individuals could be those nearest to you
  2. Their hurtful words don’t have anything to do with you, but what to do with their own insecurities
  3. You have the ability to speak up for yourself…even if you are older and have not done much of it.
  4. Family members and close friends *don’t * have to be disrespectful just because they are on your own life and have done so for a long time.

So, how about you? Can you close family and friends who put you down?

What two measures will you take the next time it occurs?

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6 Tips To End Your Dating Dry Spell

From Alex Wise

Summer is here and companion for your sweaty, summer nights is a essential staple of the blessed year’s successes. Even if Spring threw you for a loop, burying you under obligations, taxation horrors and overtime in the office, there is no need to worry.

There is no better time than summer to get off the couch, go mad and get your great old groove back.

Get Physical

Start forcing yourself to exercise at least a little bit every day. Whether you have the time to hit the gym, get in the habit of walking, hiking, jump-roping, swimming — anything that gets your blood pumping and heart thumping. Endorphins released will promote an immediate increase in physical assurance, and of course an overall enthusiasm for getting half naked poolside. By investing in workouts designed to strengthen your body, you prompt your brain to trust in your ability to attain. Mentally, you may feel much more competent that the more you continue to pursue the routine of frequent activity and this ultimately translates to a sense of achievement and pride that magnetizes girls on the lookout.

The main secret to dragging yourself out of a dry spell is the ability to become mentally and emotionally open to meeting new individuals. While many people might say we’re interested in meeting people, oftentimes the energy we exude is quite the opposite. If your ideas are geared towards the problem of finding someone worth dating as you are out pursuing a prospective date, the negativity you’ve concentrated on will fog any possibility of you finding answer from fun, positive men and women. Bear in mind that what you radiate is what you bring.

The way to be a worthy of a crowd’s attention, you may ask? Simply by being engaged and lively. Lots of men and women believe that in order to participate with a group conversation, they need to demonstrate their ability to keep up with the majority’s psychological pace and flow. And while it is always sensible to comprehend the dynamic already at work in a bunch, it does not necessarily mean that you have to feel inhibited if the topic at hand looks lifeless or incompatible with your current mood. It merely means you’re given the fun challenge of turning the conversation towards something you feel at ease with. By way of instance, if a group’s verbal exchange looks deadened and rare, simply locate a sequitur effective at bridging a random piece of the current conversation with a more scintillating story you love notification.

Make certain to select a story that warrants following response and dialogue, instead of a rambling anecdote that leaves you nodding into a quiet circle of bystanders. However, don’t sweat if this occurs, either. Easily laugh it off with a small comment like,”Well… Gee guys, I thought that story was going to take us somewhere, but I guess I completely dropped the ball on this one. Who is next?” When making missteps, do not panic. Make a joke about it, acknowledge the awkwardness and the audience will instantly feel comfortable.

Picking a fashion icon, and purchasing a couple of items that promote a surge of enthusiasm and confidence while suited up to hit the town is among the greatest things a single person can do for himself. Whether it’s something as small as a new pair of cufflinks or something as noticeable as a snazzy new pair of sneakers, getting dolled up is a quintessential step in revitalizing your romantic life. Bear in mind, it’s more for your benefit than hers, so select clothing or accessories that make you feel — as basic and childish as it seems, it’s the best term to use — trendy. And cool guys, regardless of their physical or aesthetic appearance, always manage to get laid.

Critical to finding yourself in fun scenarios involving girls worth winning is the ability to move beyond your comfort zone. You might not feel all too pleased to jump onto the dance floor or drive to some unknown pub from your neighborhood or have a chance on a few chicks who convinced you to attend a random house party, but being uncomfortable is often a blessing. While stuck in a rut of what you’ve familiarized as’everyday life,’ taking risks is essential.

Sure, every night might not wind up swinging. There can be nights when you’re returned home annoyed at having wasted small amounts of money and time, but there’ll also be nights when experiences find you in flourishes. If you’re ready to let go of your fears and insecurities so as to try something without warranty, it’s guaranteed you’ll grow. Whether it feels fun every time, your capacity for risk taking and spontaneous live-in will expand, finally leaving you feeling comfortable even in your most uncomfortable. This sense of at-ease which will accompany you wherever you wander, then translates into an irresistible assurance to which girls flock to when they, themselves, feel uneasy.

Have Fun

Finally, have fun. Try to locate a way to make every event, whether common or exceptional place, an experience worth your time and energy. Find humor in your anxieties, find safety in your closest friends and relinquish your despair for a date. Then, and only then, will you easily locate one.

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Get your groove back!

The article 6 Tips To End Your Relationship Dry Spell appeared on The Great Men Project.

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STOP Pressuring Single People

Society, our friends, as well as our loved ones can pressure you to believe which you need to be in a relationship. However, I am here to inform you that it isn’t a bad thing to be unmarried. Being single gives you the chance to actually concentrate on yourself and developing a life that you dream about. If a relationship is {} of these dreams then after you have focused on your growth and healing then the perfect individual will enter your life.

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5 Things to do If You Have Just Been Ghosted

If you have recently been ghosted you’re left feeling confused, abandoned, and overcome self-doubt. Ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with somebody unexpectedly and without explanation, finally withdrawing from all communication.

Ghosting has been in existence since the start of time, however with today’s technology it is more overt and we notice it more quickly. With smartphones, instant messaging, social networking, texting, and dating sites, we know when someone has received our message or voicemail but has chosen not to respond.  Among the worst feelings is when you see in your text messaging the individual read your text ago and chose not to respond, which leaves you wondering why. The”why” is the thing that keeps us guessing, searching for answers, it is what keeps us up at night.

More often than not, after we are ghosted we do all the wrong things. We reach out to the individual numerous times, getting no response and feeling worse. We have a tendency to turn our despair inward and try to find error in ourselves and we resist meeting new people in fear that they’ll ghost us as well.

In a bid to assist anyone who has experienced or will experience ghosting, I’ve compiled 5 instrumental steps you may wish to take so as to feel better about the situation and get back in your psychological feet again.

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