Alone. And in our loneliness, we yearn and crave for different spirits in bodies to share our lives with. This is natural. At some stage in our growing years, we crave love.I believe I have been waiting most of my life to satisfy my other half. I am guessing most of you reading this have also. Unless you have already met them that yin to your yang? Or perhaps yang to your yin.I know I have yearned for the company that just got me and appreciated all of the silly, quirky things I said and did — savoring them rather than judging them like I often do in my mind. I know I can be my own worst enemy. I would like my other half for a best friend to all versions of myself.I have longed for someone to comprehend the nuances of my character — even the dull, idle components. That somebody that smirks and laughs at me for waiting a week to fold the laundry or waiting a day to wash all the dishes.I have hoped for that companion I could laugh, cry and grimace at the identical indie house flicks with me, linking me with lively excitement at the deviant act of sneaking wine and homemade popcorn past the ticket taker in a Mary Poppins bag.I have wished for that individual that would love me no matter how cluttered my hair or how bloated my eyes were at the morning because I stayed up too late watching or writing Netflix again.I have prayed for someone to be my rock in times of internal or outer turmoil — you understand that grounding, good-natured, I am here for you know matter what type.Recently though, I have realized none of these things matter, they were just a mirage.Therefore, I let them go. I allow all 102 wants and desires in a soulmate go — in burning embers over a gas burner in my own kitchen (fire danger, I understand ). As I let them go, amidst the blaring sound of the smoke sensor, I opened myself to the moment.From the beeping, smoke-tinged moment, I discovered her — Well, I did not find her. She was found.I realized that her, more like.She is amazing — my soulmate. Following a mere 40 year delay, I have found her.She has a gorgeous heart.She enjoys cooking — and trekking — my favourite grounding activities.She enjoys nature, in all its forms and manifestations.She enjoys children and animals.She is a mom to a gorgeous, nearly 8-year-old ancient soul — and finds it enlivening and frightening at the same time.I am smirking and head shaking and cringing and jumping up and down at exactly the exact same time. Because I have known her all of my life. Her heart, my heart. Her spirit, frightening to me, up until I surrendered to it not too long ago.I have finally fallen into a deep love affair with my body, mind, and soul! You see, I had been told a lie — well, we all were when I was young. I was told I needed to keep giving my love away. I had been told that it was selfish to give it to myself.
I was told I needed to find someone else to love me — before I love me!
I had been told a lie, and you’re also.It was told to me through networking — in all its forms. It was told to me by my parents, through the fairy tales they read to me and the continuous re-telling of how they met when they were seeking their lost half since they felt the need to do what people do in their 20s and 30s who want families.It was told to me by my peers, having pretended weddings on the playground during recess, mirroring what was told to them by several generations that thought this lie to be the truth or maybe never questioned it.I was recently freed from my shackles lately by a fantastic man — a man I felt love for, a guy that came into my life to provide me the gift of loving myself. But, in the time of our relationship, I didn’t know that. All I knew was that I felt somewhat uncomfortable in my own skin, sensing that he felt that way also.So, one night we talked about what our dreams and ambitions were. I felt our hearts shut a bit as we started the discussion. Hiding. Lying. Fearful of really being viewed. Somehow our dreams of life clashed. We listened to each other and did not respond much, parting ways soon after that.We then had a discussion a couple of days after, instigated by me, who had been bothered by the tension that seemed to keep us from calling each other.Are we not right for each other? I said, with a few timidness. He echoed my thoughts. It was not that we {} right, it was that we were withholding our authentic selves from each other — thus, real love. It was actually the very educated break-up I have experienced: 2 self-aware people acknowledging their deep feelings for the other, while also honoring themselves with the understanding that a connection can’t be forced.After it finished, I spun deeply into my head and heart and started to peel off the beliefs which was programmed into me from my first day on Earth. Did I really need a spouse or did I simply feel a pressure to have one? I had felt a pressure to fulfill someone all my life, dressing a certain way, or acting a certain way, to impress whomever I had a crush on (and I know I am not the only person who’s done this!) .I often looked at myself as a projected picture of what this other person saw of me or desired of me. I did this in a connection. At the moment, however, I thought I was being authentic.I am a powerful woman. I really don’t like being controlled. I don’t take bullsh*t, and yet, I see clearly that for years upon years of my life I did just that. Since stepping into single motherhood, I’ve felt pressure to meet a partner. A year ago it was spawned by my daughter asking me where my guy was (she’s with her dad half the time, but began to question why he had been with another girl, etc.). She had been three going on four at the moment, and, while I’d yearnings for companionship, particularly an adult to communicate inside the house, I think that was also fueled by a guilt, or maybe confusing her, as she transitioned between a home with dad, stepmom and stepsister, to a person with only her and mother.The desire for more financial security also pushed me to date more (after all, marriage was initially a fiscal agreement). But, my current falling in love with myself has pushed these lies to the wayside. I am doing okay. The actual truth is: I wish to fall in love with all of life — and, I’m! Life is truly, as the Beatles coined it, a magical mystery tour and we’re here in order to enjoy it like a finely aged wine.Since I’ve adopted me as my lover, my mind’s clearer. I’m enjoying motherhood more. I’m enjoying private time more. I’m doing all of the things I love to perform and just enjoying, loving, loving!So, allow me to end with two questions for you? Is your face all scrunched up right now, or can it be relaxed and smiling?That’s your solution!Love you! You’ve got you for the remainder of this life. Love it!If you adore you, this statement will become reassuring, even freeing:“You’re born alone and die alone.” Therefore, before anyone else can say,”I love you,” say it to you.I think if this amount of personal love existed on this planet, we could just float away. I do not know about you, but I sort of like floating.

The article The Day I Met My Soulmate Was the Day I Decided to Stay Single appeared on The Great Men Project.

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Man Alive!

I have had conversations with countless guys about their sexual lives, including topics like what seems scary to discuss, what they need more of, how it seems to ask for what they want…

Women’s arousal is a significant part of your sexual satisfaction and might be an even more powerful part of the equation than you understand.

I have a theory  that lots of men that aren’t fulfilled in their sexual lives aren’t stimulating girls in a way women desire.

Sometimes this comes from not recognizing the differences in how women’s bodies work. Sometimes there’s only too little know-how, which is embarrassing to admit.

On today’s Man Alive Podcast Pamela Madsen joined me to discuss how you can make more stimulation for girls and much more pleasure for you and your spouse. She has coached hundreds of girls in their personal journeys back in their bodies and expression of the femininity.

In this dialog we discussed:

  • The significance of inviting a lady into more states of arousal, so you have more fun
  • How to know whether a woman is enjoying your signature or desires something different
  • The activation procedure and why asking for what you need only once might not function
  • The secret to couples becoming over petty struggles and feeling more connected
  • A fun way to wake up a bored connection and reignite the spark

Even men on top of the game find themselves wanting more from life. Man Alive is your source for men who want to have more meaning, a larger effect, unshakable confidence, a hotter sex life, more money, deeper love, strong friendships or a strong legacy.

A version of the post was initially posted on ShanaJamesCoaching.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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How Believing in ‘The One’ Strips Emotional Responsibility


The idea that there’s only 1 individual in this world for you is romantic.

Very.

Sorry everyone who, like me, grew up watching rom coms and placing your hand over your heart pledging you’ll wait for your person to appear and hold you like they dropped you and found you.

Having said that, I am and will always be a hopeless romantic. But to me, that just means I like love. I like everything about love. I love always having someone in my mind, doing life with a person, building something. Connection. Sweaty passionate sex. I like the discovery of a soul. Creating honest moments. Deep conversations that feel like warm blankets on a chilly day before it is supposed to get cold. Holding hands and leaping, together. The self-learning and expansion through healthful arguments. Leaning to the comparison that forces you to stretch and see the world differently. I enjoy doing nothing with somebody. There’s not any other relationship that can provide you exactly what an intimate relationship may provide you. I love love. But that does not mean I think you are only supposed to be with a single person in your life.

The truth is we’ve got many”ones” in our life. Every person you’ve loved has been”the one” at the moment. “The one” is the one that you choose to love now. Who you’re choosing to love at the moment. As hard or easy as this is. As soon as you decide to stop loving that person, he or she’s no more”the one.” It’s that easy.

A booming healthy sustainable relationship is built on over goosebumps.

Why it is important to look at it this way.

First, let’s boil down what love actually is.

At the end of the day, love is a daily decision to be emotionally accountable to someone. If you are not emotionally connected, it is not love. It can be lust or benefit or an arrangement or not wanting to be alone. However, it’s not love.

Now let’s tie this to the idea of”the one.”

The obvious.

If you do not think you are with”the one” or if you think someone”got away”, then you won’t give the relationship you’re in your all. Alternatively, you will dream, dream, scroll, and fill in lots of blanks. You won’t be {} . Alternatively, you will doubt and chase something else which is not real.

Now the not so apparent.

If you think you’re with”the one”, it implies that you are supposed to be with this person. You guys were supposed. Things should line up. And if they don’t, you are likely to be confused. Why are not things perfect and effortless? You will doubt whether that individual is really”the one” when the fact is you are not doing the hard work required to construct a relationship. Doubting and questioning if you are with”the one” can allow you to not invest and ramble emotionally. Even if it is not intentional. It doesn’t need to be overnight. However, now you are elsewhere. You’re not choosing to love. You’re being emotionally irresponsible.

****

The thing about”hard” is nobody enjoys hard. Because hard means distress. Hard means breaking routines, looking inward, taking possession, doing things you are not accustomed to. Hard means you might be wrong. Hard means it is no longer only about you. But hard is where material and thickness lives. Easy feels good. But most of all, simple creates ceilings. Not only for you but also the connection. If you just need something which feels good, there’ll be no love travel and with no journey, there’s absolutely no growth. Love is all about depth not width.

Nothing of significance in this world comes from simple.

Including love.

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The Alchemy of Affections

Maybe we are all, in our own very personal ways, looking for gold.

Alchemy is a Philosophy, or a means of thinking / seeing the world around us.

Maybe we are all, in our own very personal ways, looking for gold. Neil Young says he “crossed the ocean for a heart of gold”. Some can sift the dirt and grist in the edge of life’s flow and expect their dreams”pan out”. Others dig. Others beg, steal or borrow. I believe in the magical process of transformation.

However I attain this, and like most people I’ve attempted to in more than 1 manner, the glistening gift of love’s golden promise dazzles me. The glint and the gleam of love have caught my attention. I wish to grasp the shining thing called love. Many times I’ve thought I’d acquired it. Although, often what I found myself at the grasp of was only gilded and prone to some flakey tarnishing decay. Decay is the affliction of affection. The disease of despair and uncertainty are the cancer that eats away at enjoys golden potential.

I know that all that glitter isn’t… I can live with this understanding. Yet I wish to think in the myopia of essence-based Alchemy. It’s important for me to trust that transformation is possible. More myopic still is the need to see myself as the Alchemist. Capable of facilitating the conversion I very much crave. The hidden trick is two-fold. To begin with, figuring out the procedure. Secondly, attempting is to get my spouse to believe in it as well. For conversions of the heart need religion.

What is it that we’re truly made of? The’apple metaphor’ audience loves their”rotten to the core” perspective of the world. I’ll admit I’m more likely to the’happily ever after’ view of the world. I believe that the promise of bliss is a real one. All it requires is a change in the center of us. A magical renovation inside.

I believe that the golden procedure is probably an ongoing one. The transformation of a heart in the glistening ore of my dreams takes a loyal and persistent attention. A self-renewing concentrate on the sparkling essence within. I am pretty sure the reason that Alchemists were maligned was due mostly to the doubtful nature of the receiver of created gold. The method entails a continuing faith to sustain it. When the value of the transformed object was doubted it had been likely to regress and assume its former condition. The exact same goes with love. It’s the belief and the commitment to this belief which sustains it. It’s the practice of this that is the material of sustaining. The magic element is to maintain that belief alive and concentrated in our perception. To adopt the dazzle of our spouse and to attend to their own charm.

The cynical will say that there’s an inherent fallacy in trying to market myself and the gleaming thing of my heart’s desire — about the Alchemy of Love. It’s flummery to believe that the leaden load of isolation could be magically transformed into a golden future worthy of being valued. For all those, sadly, this Alchemy of the Heart isn’t possible — not yet.

Yet, for the cynic, there are other materials on which to settle. Furthermore, for the doubtful, the amazing promise of conversion isn’t a real one. The essence level change along with the magic process that a doctrine of alchemy requires will allude them. From their perspective, it’s the practice of alchemy that transforms the Alchemist. I for one don’t care. A union with the practice is a marriage through it.

The adventures of the doubter, and the understanding changing failures he’s compiled create in him a different type of’seeing the world’. Alchemy isn’t feasible and so he becomes a metallurgist of another vein. He, rather, may acquire an appreciation for pewter — and possibly even a love for it. He sees that the heart’s leaden quality, with the addition of tin, can be molded and shaped and formed into a still rewarding and useful amazing item.

The accomplishments of alchemy are only available to the zealots, like me. The blend of trust and zeal congeal as I attempt to form a more perfect union. I’m trying to find a fellow believer who will help transform us equally. It might well be that not all my’gleams’ will come true. But it won’t be for a lack of thinking.

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What’s Become Of Us?


There’s something which I’ve been hearing so much lately in my job.

‘I can not tell him that, it is going to hurt his self.’

‘If I say he’s going to tell me to not tell him what to do.’
Is that what our sexual voice is now, us guys?

‘I need to discover a way to say it that will not upset him, and I must wait for the ideal time.’
Is that what our psychological voice is now, is guys?

The majority of the men and women who come to the workshops and retreats are girls.

What’s become of us guys?

Is that a space too full of fear?

And what exactly are we afraid ofbeing vulnerable, being disclosed, not knowing enough, being emotional, not understanding how to love, not being able to be romantic, being too proud, being too closed, not understanding how to be different, do different?
What’s the power, the unbelievable power we have contributed for this fear, to this vulnerability, to this willingness, our partners can’t tell us much without us being hurt, retreating, shutting down?

Do not we see how much they want to give us pleasure, how much they would like us to learn how to pleasure them?

Do not we see just how much love they have for us, and how much they are open to out of us?
Do not we see just how much they need to heal, to learn, to grow, to link, and just how much they would like us to do the same?

And we sit at the panic, at the shut-down, shut-off space, where what we have to provide is withdrawal, anger, frustration, disconnect and’Do not tell me what to do, do not tell me the way to touch you, how to kiss you, how to…’

Do not we see how she would love to worship us, love us?

And just how much she longs for that from us?

Do not we see how open her heart could be, and how much she wants to feel ours?

Do not we see just how much she’d love to research and experience?

It is so interesting when you consider the Neo-Tantric groups, the Conscious Sexuality pages, just how much there is for women, about women, about female sexuality, feminine sensuality, feminine power. It’s beautiful!

And it is time there was for us.
It is time we stepped out and up, us guys.
It is time we made more spaces for us to talk about, to speak, to link, to heal, to learn, to research.

Ourselves.

I had a fascinating insight following a Biodanza Vivencia a little while ago. I was walking out behind two girls, and the way that they shared, not so much what, how, brought me to determine how significant the sisterhood is, how much support there is in how girls of consciousness are with each other.

And it brings me to ask, what about us, where’s the brotherhood?

The brotherhood of the center.

The brotherhood that lets us feel the strength of a man’s arms holding us{} us.

The brotherhood that lets us be seen by the eyes of a person.

It’s time.
Time for us to perform our job.
It is time.

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All levels get to see The Great Men Project website AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS–combine as many groups and courses as you need for the whole year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to some ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–along with other benefits listed below the form. {Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a {} ad-free viewing experience.|}

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What We Talk About When We Talk About Guys


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Q: It’s been 5 years since I have been a date, a first date in that! I’m terrified and I don’t have any clue what to say. What are some terrific conversation starters for a first date?

A: While five years might look like a very long time; however, it is not. Dating and having introductory conversations is much like riding a bicycle. You might forget if you have not ridden in awhile but as soon as you start, it is going to return to you. Now, with that said, I wish to take a step back and ask a question before we dive into dialogue starters: What do you want in a relationship?

To see my whole reply, check out the entire post and video post on Digital Romance, ideal Below. You can also find this movie and many other on YouTube, so please be sure to subscribe to Digital Romance TV

Also, in case you’ve got a burning question about love, relationship or life in general for me, comment below, or ask me on Twitter @AllanaPratt and only use #AllanaQandA.

Replies are in video.

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A version of the post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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3 Proven Tips to Make your Romance Last

One of the classic movies on ideal love, The Hairdresser’s Husband (1990), begs audiences an important question: is it possible to be in love, butterflies in tummy and all, when you are in a long-term relationship? The first stages of love, notes psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner, is the ‘velcro stage’. During this time, people are very much in tune to their partner’s needs, wants, and desires. As time goes on, both this sense of nurturing and the spicier side of romance (i.e. sex) tend to decrease in intensity. The good news is that recent research shows that love, romance, and passion, can last… follow these tips and keep it 100% with your partner in the long term!

Trying Something New is Key, In and Out of the Sack

One secret to keeping sexual desire high, is taking part in ‘self-expansive activities’ together. These activities are new, different, and exciting. They include skydiving, travelling to an exotic country, trying out a new martial art – anything and everything that varies from your routine. New and challenging activities have the ability to ‘expand the self’ and heighten sexual desire. Of course, you can always dabble in new bedroom activities too, or take it outside the bedroom. If you have always wanted to have sex in a public place, make love on a private island, or have a threesome and your partner feels the same, this could just be your own personal definition of expansion!

Share  Your Fantasies

There is a strong relationship between fantasy and sexual desire, in that the former can fuel the latter. This is the case for both men and women, because fantasy essentially boosts the type of brain activity that puts you in the mood for love. Researchers note that fantasy helps lower performance anxiety in bed and makes sex itself more pleasurable. If you have never discussed your fantasies with your partner, why not do so during your pillow talk hour, sharing just one fantasy and going from there? You may be surprised to discover that your partner shares a few of your deepest hidden desires! Another idea is to discuss some of the most common fantasies held by men and women. These include giving each other oral sex, masturbating, and including a third party into the picture.

Keep it Tactile

Feeling nurtured and desired is a psychological thing, but it is also a physical one. Recent studies have shown that simply holding hands can ease pain and sync brain waves between two people. It also enables their heart and breathing rates to synchronize – sounds very romantic indeed. Touching is particularly important if your partner’s ‘love language’ is that of physical affection. According to ‘love language’ theory, each person has their own preferred means of showing and receiving love. Many people need frequent touching to feel close to their partners. Caress your partner while they are carrying out a household chore, tickle them with a feather when they are napping, or give them a massage with flavored oil, making sure the product is in your favorite flavor and scent.

Keeping the flame burning may be difficult, but it definitely is possible. By embracing new experiences, sharing fantasies, and being affectionate, you stand a good chance of staying emotionally close as well. If you have children, make sure to set aside a little time just for yourselves. Romance is a thing we all crave but like all things of value, it takes planning and commitment. Thankfully, sex is also one of the funnest and most fulfilling things in life.

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