Our personal development travel, hopefully, gives us clarity on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the kinds of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?
I’m incredibly grateful for the years of personal development work I’ve experienced, both as a participant and facilitator. I’ve spent the last twenty years taking courses, reading books, working with mentors, participating in seminars, training clients, and leading workshops, all in the sake of becoming a better person, a better spouse, a better father, a better lover, a better understanding and a better contributor to society. A consistent comprehension that gets lost, however, is the understanding that the people around us are also people dealing with their own”stuff” in their own journey.
Understanding of self is vitally important, yet I’m not at all suggesting we provide that exploration up to only concentrate on others. What I am suggesting is this: As we grow, learn, and discover things about ourselves, we also search for how those things could possibly be expressed by other people. By the time a few finds me, or that I step into associations that seek out my help, individuals are usually feeling depleted and in pure survival mode. From this place, it’s almost impossible to take into account the person in front of us, as we are totally focused on our needs that haven’t been getting fulfilled. While we may decide to”take care of ourselves,” it is usually from a defensive and resentful place, versus among self-love. It is something to lovingly take responsibility for fulfilling your own needs, rather than doing it with anger and animosity towards another;”I am just going to have to perform ______ for myself because you are not going to.”
Our personal development travel, hopefully, provides us insight on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the kinds of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?
We have been shaped by our past, we’ve got each developed survival mechanisms and we all”act out” in ways which are based on these experiences. If we’re prepared to consider that the individual responding is doing so based on how they are in relation to their past, then we might discover there’s not any reason–barring abuse–for us to become defensive. If my spouse has had a long history of being talked-down-to and has developed her intellectual skills that she could never be out-debated, I get to realize that engaging in disagreement with her would be an unproductive, possibly hurtful strategy. On the flip side, if she understands that my default is to think I have done something wrong, using discussion strategies will just have me feel worse and drive a deeper wedge into our relationship.
This translates to associations also.
My parents taught school for 40 years, and for all the time, I’d hear them tell stories about how the administrators were a particular way. Administrators would say the way the teachers were a particular way, etc. Everyone believed they were correct, the other was wrong. No one was ready to listen to another and hence the animosity just became a daily experience.
The solution, then, is to simply stop it. Seriously.
When we can have a deep breath and be happy to hear each other from a place of genuine curiosity and having an interest in a partnership, then things can change rather quickly. In a romantic relationship, when we aren’t defending our position, we have a tendency to get very interested in our spouse. When this occurs, we naturally start working together toward shared interests; these pursuits tend to incorporate each other’s fulfillment.
Likewise, a unified organization with an interest in mutually beneficial outcomes promotes a happier and more productive work environment. Doing our own work while being interested in the work of our spouse, co-worker or personnel creates loyalty and connection and has the power to take things to a whole new level.
What can you provide for yourself now? And, what are you ready to discover about your spouse?
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Our personal development travel, hopefully, gives us clarity on what’s important to us, where our boundaries are, and the sorts of things that have us feel loved and protected. How can we use this knowledge to merge with other people then?
The article How To Use Personal Development To Type Loving Relationships appeared on The Great Men Project.