She’s in her hottest lace undies and bra. He stands at the foot of the bed, his shirt off.His enthusiasm to enter is uncontainable. Her desire to get him is palpable. He’s her God. She’s his Goddess.CUT!Is not it awesome when this occurs? The connection. The excitement. She is with the guy she wants. He is with the girl he desires.And yet how can we freeze this moment in time? This superhuman juice, power, link? I used to say to my ex-wife,”When we are connected and on {} team, actually feeding one another, it is like we have given each other superpowers.  We now have more energy for daily. And yet, though we knew it, we fought to live it.  In time, we dropped back into ordinary marital estrangement, too busy with parenting and work to tend to our connection. How and why things finished is a story for another time or a publication . And in the bedroom, it seemed like…She wants to speak. He wants to get physical to feel close to her. She wants to communicate to feel close to him. I remember thinking… God, what a cruel f#*kin’ joke you have played on us!  We are on opposite sides of the world in classic masculine and feminine. This is the way you made us? I see this frequently in different couples.  Who is to blame — him or her? Well, she does not need to feel like a sexual thing. And he does not want to be her girlfriend. I know. But they represent a thread of a frequent power dynamic between the masculine and the feminine, which may traverse sex or sex.In my website last week, I talked to what occurs when a man squeezes all his familiarity needs into sex. It’s bad.  So what happens when a woman seeks all her intimacy needs through speaking?
If one consequence of the supremacy of conversation is that it renders men at a disadvantage, another is that it leaves women trapped in repressed sexuality.
-Esther Perel, “Mating In Captivity” And if you do not speak to me like I need, you are not getting any loving.”And yes, ladies, that means you are not getting any loving either. That can not feel good for a long time.Depriving a guy of sex is a powerful and efficient means to receive his attention. But more often than not, it is also accompanied by a complete shutdown of her heart. She won’t let him, emotionally or physically, for that matter.”I can not do anything right for her,” a man has often said to me, defeated session. “I try but nothing seems to help. Ladies (and this is straight from the playbook of my mentor, writer and couples therapist, Terry Real) —  It is far more difficult to ask for what you want, and actually receive it, than it is to bitch and whine. I know, you have asked a thousand times. But have you actually been open to getting it, even an iota of it, whatever”it” is?When he gets even the smallest attempt, applaud him, cheer him on.  Celebrate his wins. Cease just looking at what he does not do. Trust me. He will be encouraged to do more for you.When it comes to the bedroom, by all means, stand your ground if you don’t want to have sex but keep open emotionally.  Give him a hug, a kiss. Reassure him he is your man.  Tell him you love him and you see how he is trying to appear.Ultimately, wonderful sex and a excellent relationship occur when you build trust with each other and when you know you are each a priority.And that happens when you turn towards one another, towards hard feelings, not away.That is growth. And out there comes an energized and satisfying relationship.   The actual benefit of long term relationship.–Previously Released on stuartmotola.comShutterstock

The article Ladies, Keep Your Heart Open appeared on The Great Men Project.

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