The Way to Maintain Your Sex Life Going as Long as Possible

It is a real fear–but often an unnecessary one.

Men are concerned about aging, and {} almost a taboo topic to discuss.

It does not have to be like that. There are lots of ways for men to keep their sex life going for as long as they need.

Keep your sex life going by continually improving your relationships.

Relationships are critical to our health and happiness. They can affect our general health, happiness and vitality. Here are three quick tips for continually enhancing your relationships.

  1. Live a fully real life. Self-awareness is one of the sexiest traits a person can have. This means that you can”be” in precisely the exact same time you grow and change. Stay true to your values–but at exactly the same time, continue to learn. Do not think you know all of it.
  2. Love deeply also. You are never too old to learn how to love yourself and others more fully. Engage your unique calling during your lifetime. Help others.

Too many elderly men grew up with beliefs and attitudes that inform us: Men should be strong and independent. We will need to address our own problems rather than whine, show our vulnerability, or request support. These approaches are part of what we call”the Man Box” since they keep us cut off from others.

Keep finding ways to genuinely connect with other people, and true intimacy and sex can continue to be a part of your life.

This can be a vicious cycle–physical problems cause fear of more issues. This is compounded by social and cultural pressures that guys need to be able to repair things by themselves. Sexual dysfunction isn’t a joke–but you would not know it by how most media talks about it.

The thing is-men are less lonely than they think. Over half of men and women over age 40 experience erectile dysfunction. However, it should not be something you dread. It may be solved; it simply can not be fixed alone. Try a customized strategy, with medical professionals who focus on the issue. By way of instance, Universal Men’s Clinics combine personalized attention with modern medication to treat erectile dysfunction safely and efficiently. Or, you might realize that the challenge is Low Testosterone or premature ejaculation. Whatever the issue, ignoring it will not help.

(Believe it or not, it is not all about you!)

As soon as you’re feeling healthy and positive and good about your relationships with others and yourself –guess what. You may turn your attention to your spouse.

Don’t be worried about technique as much as knowing your spouse. Be {} about what turns your partner on. You just might find that is a terrific aphrodisiac for you, too.

And when your spouse is feeling great, we can practically guarantee you will too.

There is no reason to fear the ending of sex and intimacy as we get older. Sure, it may change in certain ways. Maybe things slow down a bit. Maybe they are not as extreme in ways they were in our childhood –but more extreme in different ways.

Humans have an unbelievable superpower. They could adapt, and change, and learn and develop. And that’s extremely alluring to most people. It’s what is going to keep your sex life going as long as you want it to.

Sponsored by Universal Men’s Clinics

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At the same week, I found myself in a conversation about a dad controlling his daughter’s sexuality and I watched a documentary about an entire nation controlling female sexuality.

When you are under a rock, social media almost blew up when Rapper T.I. stated in an interview he followed his 18-year-old daughter to the gynecologist for her annual exam to confirm that her hymen was intact. HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996) legislation are set up so women over the age of consent don’t need to allow their parents to the room nor discuss the results of evaluations related to their sexual health.

T.I. bragged about dismissing his daughter’s rights, telling her to sign the form that states he can get information regarding her sexual health and then demanding the outcomes from the reluctant physician. And, though that physician explained that an intact hymen does not prove virginity, T.I. felt the need to brag about his daughter staying a virgin on a podcast interview that would be broadcast all over social networking and blogs.

However, there were people on the internet, fathers and mothers, who maintained his disregard for the humiliation to his daughter was”a father protecting his daughter” or”they’d do exactly the same thing”.

To begin with, I’m mortified with this young woman. Sexuality is personal and it should be something you decide to show on your own once you feel comfortable.

A father bragging about his daughter’s virginity is comparable to the past when a father had”handed over his daughter” to be married and then paraded the damn sheets in front of people to prove he had made a good”product” in exchange for her dowry.

Let’s talk about the Hymen

The hymen is a tissue which tightens across the top of the vaginal canal. It’s now known as the”vaginal corona”.

It will not break and is forever gone. It can endure minor ruptures, which cure within one day. The appearance of the vaginal corona differs for every woman. The vaginal corona is not the identifier of if a woman has sex or not. Women who have babies still have a complete vaginal corona despite the fact that the appearance may change. Additionally, the vaginal corona can wear away with time.

Virginity is a sexual fantasy. It was a tool of labour production. In patriarchal societies, male leaders wanted children to be born to improve productivity and they had control over those kids. Since this was pre-birth control and paternity tests, the best way to understand who were your kids was to control the sexuality of the woman giving birth to them. This would lead to wealth and, finally, political power.

Society created virginity and made it the hallmark of purity. You appreciate after your loss of virginity plummeted, regardless of how it happened. This created fear among girls and dads that when a woman consented to sex before marriage she would not be of value to significant men or that she would not be cared for by a guy who would basically use her to give birth to his empire.

Finally, faith got in on it. Then, it just because a guilt-free-for all with everybody feeling entitled to use a woman’s sexuality but for the woman who owned it.

Fathers would advertise their daughters as a prime product for a wealthy businessperson and authorities her sexuality to make sure he received top dollar.

Butif she was not able to prove she had never had sex, then she would bring shame on her loved ones and end up a spinster who would never wed making her a burden on her family.

But we progressed past this, right?

Not exactly. In spite of the sexual agency, a lot of women have managed to recover there are still guys who”clock the miles on her vagina” and feel entitled to judge women harshly on their sexual habits, choices or previous decisions. The term”hoe” is thrown at any girl somebody feels has had one too many spouses beyond the”magic” acceptable number of sexual partners, which there really isn’t one.

Some guys also have very little understanding that an empowered young lady with a loving father for instance will naturally make distinct sexual decisions compared to a lady with no representation in her life. There’s absolutely not any need to see her gynecologist, bully her into signing away her approval and then burst to the world that she’s stayed chaste like her making the choice to have sex makes her less of a woman.

Sexual Rights and the One-Child Policy

At precisely the exact same time that all of this was happening, I saw a documentary on Amazon Prime known as,”One Child Nation.”

The documentary follows a woman as she learns the expense of the One Child Policy in her native homeland China. The coverage began in 1979 and continued until 2015 as a bid to stop over-population from the Chinese Government.

Based on the documentary, the government used propaganda through tv and audio to convince its citizens that the law was mandatory. Then, enforced the law by threatening imprisonment to those who violated to the law and tried to have extra children.

The documentary opened my eyes up. Medical officials and women who lived through it explained girls kidnapped, hog-tied and forced to have abortions. A Midwife said she would induce pregnancy in women, up to 8 and 9 months forcing them to give birth and then she would euthanize the babies herself.

They spoke about babies who were abandoned by parents who did not wish to lose their”one child privilege” by maintaining a daughter. They wanted to test again for a son. Infants were being abandoned everywhere in hopes that somebody would find them and give them a better life. Girls became a very low value in the eyes of parents because they wanted sons to develop, take their name and look after their household. Girls left and took care of somebody else’s house so it turned into a financial loss to maintain a daughter.

This might seem extreme, but it the most disturbing picture of getting someone else pick your sexual rights and put a low value on your own humanity.

Is the protection a dad like T.I. is offering his daughter about maintaining her”pure” or”secure” from guys or is it a fear that’s been embedded into our society about a daughter losing value once she has become sexually active? She’s not a”good woman”. Or, is it merely controlling what he sees as an extension of himself rather than believing, living human being with her own feelings and desires? Can he be congratulating his daughter for showing a restraint he has not demanded of himself. However, not by her choice but by his coercion through exploitation and controlling behaviour.

We won’t even discuss how parading your daughter’s sexuality would open her up to the predators you claim to want to keep her protected from. That is another discussion.

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Cardiovascular Health and Gender — It’s Good for Your Heart

Cardiovascular Health and Sex – It’s Good for Your Heart

Cardiovascular Health and Sex – It’s Good for Your HeartWe do not mean those little pink and red Valentine’s Day hearts… we mean your real heart — the hardest working, most important muscle in your body.

Study reveal more sex is good for your heart.

What they discovered was that men who had sex at least two to three times a week were significantly less likely to develop cardiovascular disease than men who participated in sex once per month or less. And while it has long been known that heart health plays a part in how often we are ready to have sex, it now appears that the reverse is true too: having sex more frequently makes your heart healthy enough to continue having more sex. Hooray!

Researchers echoed this sentiment with observations made throughout the research.

Chemical Susan A. Hall, PhD clarified to Internet MD that”men that are sexually active likely have libido as well as the capacity for physical activity. So the ability to have sex may be a marker for total wellbeing.” She then went on to say that”guys who are having regular [sexual] action may be more inclined to maintain a supportive intimate relationship with a regular partner; this may improve health through stress reduction and social support.”

Sex also helps you shed weight, and do so, it may also help you sleep sounder. The feel good hormone oxytocin that’s released during orgasm will help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. All these things make a positive impact on your heart health and because sex is something we love to do anyway it is a no brainer. When thinking about your general health and fitness, remember sex as part of your maintenance program… it just may save you from missing a beat.

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Yoni/Lingam Holding Healing


Before the movement there’s holding.

Before the stroke there is stillness.
Before the caress there’s quiet.

Among the most beautiful and effective’strokes’ of massage isn’t moving in any way.
It’s holding.
In presence, profound presence.
Holding with your own heart.
Holding.
Only resting your hands on the body.
With gentleness.
With love.
With the aim of just being with you.

Holding brings you into your own body.
I frequently use it as a ground massage.
It works towards the middle, bringing you to your heart.
It is where the connection starts.

There’s healing in being held.
No movement, no anticipation, no anticipation.
There’s the stillness of being.
And in time, the brain will still as the body quietens.

Create a room, a sacred space, a sensuous space.

Choose the components carefully, with stability.
Breathe, a couple of deep breaths to become present.
Look into your partner’s eyes.
With each other, bring up your hands to your heart center’s in the center of your chest.
Breathe.
Bring your palms forward to touch.
Acknowledge each other with whatever words are suitable, possibly different for a lover and a customer.

Comfortable.
Warm.
Cushions for support where they require.
Sit beside thembetween their legs.
Maintain a comfortable position so that you don’t need to move in this holding.
Place one hand in their Heart Centre, lightly.
Put your other hand in their yoni or lingam, lightly.
Close your eyes.
Proceed inside of yourself, to your heart, to your mind.
Breathe that into your own hands.
Let your hands melt to the shapes, the curves of the body.
Stay present.
As soon as your mind wanders return to your breath.
Hold them.
Melt into them.
Emotions will come and go.
Tears can come and go.
Trembling can come and go.
Hold them.
Stay present.
Breathe.

When it is time, your body will let you know when it is time, when it is time, slowly, so slowly, take your hands off their body.
Cover them.
Sit together.
Stay present.
Remain on your heart.
Stay in love.

Holding is a profound mediation of intimacy.
Within this quiet we releasewe feel.
Within this heat we become.
A present from the giving, a gift in the getting.
Breathe your gratitude for the sharing.
Breathe the chance.

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This post previously published on eroslife and is reprinted with the permission of the author.

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10 Signs You Are Emotionally Wounded That No One Notices

You cry easily over little things.

Whenever you have psychological wounds, it is for you to be in tears because you always feel the pain within yourself. You may cry over books or movies and you become emotional when you see something which touches your heart. When you end up crying too much, listen to your internal well-being as it may be a sign that you are hurting inside.

2. You eliminate interest towards the things you used to enjoy.

Emotional wounds will make it tough to concentrate and focus on the things you used to do. You’ll be demotivated as your negative emotions are probably more in charge than you understand. The more you do nothing, the more you’ll feel the pain of your emotional wounds.

3.

Having psychological wounds will make you triggered emotionally by people’s behaviours around you. The emotional wounds that you have had will force you to stay away from interactions with others and it results in social withdrawal. Even though having an excellent time with yourself is important, bear in mind that being open with other people can also help you reduce the pain of your emotional wounds.

4. You feel unworthy and impossible .

Having emotional wounds will almost certainly make you look back on yourself and feel unworthy. You may blame yourself and feel dumb for being hurt so much. You’ll also feel hopeless and broken beyond repair. When you feel like you’re at the lowest point of your life, try to reach those folks that are really close to you. Let yourself be cared for and loved, because social support could boost your self-esteem and make you feel better with your own circumstances.

5. You keep replaying the terrible memories in mind.

When you can not overlook a painful experience on your past and it keeps replaying in mind, there is a risk that it has come to be one of your emotional wounds. Your inability to forget a painful experience is in fact a sign that you ought to acknowledge that adventure and accept the harm. Try to identify and search for the reasons why it made you hurt so much and accept being hurt because of the experience is wholly okay and normal.

6. You feel too much until you are numb.

The majority of the time, your emotional wounds are so debilitating it makes you feel instead. You may go through the day almost on autopilot that makes you care less about your environment. You do not feel sad or happy; you just exist, but you do not feel alive. Your numbness is in fact your coping mechanism to endure from your emotional wounds. Attempt to regulate your emotions because it might also be a coping mechanism for lowering your emotional distress.

7.

You overthink since you don’t want to get hurt again. Therefore, you may feel that it is important that you think and control everything about you and instead of feeling better, your overthinking habit will make your psychological wounds even worse.

8. You get a chaotic sleep program.

Due to your overthinking habit towards your emotional wounds, it is going to not be easy for you to fall asleep at night. Your mind will be filled with ideas and the night is normally the time when you’ll feel so desperate, lonely, and depressed. Your sleep schedule will change as it is difficult for you to sleep at night and you’re going to overcompensate through the day.

9. You feel stuck and helpless.

Emotional wounds may also make you feel so lost and confused. You may feel like you have nowhere to go and no one can truly heal your wounds. You’ll have so many negative self-talks inside of you and your head is usually tangled all of the time. Try to restrain your confusion and untangle your ideas by writing in a diary and remember to take it one day at a time.

10. You realize that you will need to be healed.

Even though it’s difficult for you to describe it to others, you just feel as though you’re broken inside and you understand precisely what you will need to be healed. You will search for many distractions to get over your emotional wounds and as time goes by, you may understand that they will not be cured within one night. Having psychological wounds is completely okay as long as you admit and admit it. Look for some cathartic actions to heal your wounds like writing, playing music, meditating, and doing sports.

In the long run, no matter how painful your wounds are, you will heal and get over it sooner or later. You’re doing okay.

A version of the post was formerly published on TheMindsJournal and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Having psychological wounds is completely okay as long as you admit and admit it.

The article 10 Signs You Are Emotionally Wounded No One Notices appeared first on The Great Men Project.

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Outcomes of Low Libido on Men and Their Relationships

Sex is a tough topic for many to discuss. It may feel invasive and embarrassing — especially if there are issues. Sadly, this means that lots of individuals and couples endure for years without getting aid, and this may severely impact relationships.

Men may have a particularly tough time talking about sexual issues. The consequences of the problems and a person’s unwillingness to discuss them may be harmful not only to them, but to their spouses. Among the most important and most complicated issues for a man and his partner to face is a lack of sex drive, or reduced libido.

It is not an inability to have sex is it the exact same thing as erectile dysfunction (ED). Men with low libido may have sex — they simply don’t want to. It’s not unusual for men (or women) to experience varying sex drive during their lives. Sometimes, however, it can go on for quite a very long time and affect the quality of a person’s life and relationships.

Low libido can occur for several reasons. It can be a result of drugs, stress, age, or underlying health difficulties. It may also be a sign of depression or other mental health issues. Whatever the case, among the biggest effects of reduced libido which goes on for a long time period is that it may make different problems in a person’s life worse.

Gender for many men is a huge part of how they define themselves. And in society, for better or worse, sexual art is considered a part of what it means to be a guy. So when a person no longer has the desire to have sex it may have adverse effects on his self-esteem and self-confidence. There’s a whole lot of a man’s ego wrapped up in his ability to perform sexually and please his partner. Any inability to do that, bodily or otherwise, can be catastrophic. He may start to feel insecure and inadequate. For a man that’s already afflicted by depression or problems with their self-perception this can feel like one extra failure.

Sexual problems for one spouse are really problems for both spouses. And while a person may struggle with feelings of failure, his spouse will also suffer from similar feelings.

Low libido in 1 spouse can cause another to feel as though they’re the problem. Are they not attractive enough? Is there somebody else? Has he simply dropped out of love and lost interest? These are questions often asked when a spouse is not really interested. For all those men suffering with reduced libido, but this is not a problem due to one individual or another, it goes deeper. Sadly, this can be tough to comprehend and therefore greatly disrupt an otherwise joyful relationship.

This may be especially true once the spouse with low libido is your guy. Generally when the subject of low libido arises girls are the ones being discussed and also the initial reasons considered are biological. It can take plenty of time, effort, and hope to determine that the issue isn’t an issue of one spouse being a”turn-off” but something much deeper.  In the meantime harm to the connection can happen that can be tough to fix.

Once it has been determined that it is not the connection that’s the issue, but instead a lagging sex-drive, you’ll have to use him to ascertain what is causing it. With any luck it is something that’s easy to tackle, but if not you’ll have to work out a strategy for fixing the matter. This may include his talking with his primary care doctor or a mental health professional.

This does not have to mean that you place your sex life. It might just mean that you must take things slow and get more creative.

Bear in mind that this is a very tough topic for most people to discuss. Getting to the root of items will require patience and understanding. Long-term relationships go through many ups and downs and sexual dry spells occur for several reasons. Working together are the trick to a more active and fulfilling sex life.

Photo: IStock

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What Screws Us Up Most in Life

There’s at least one missing child. A beautiful little thing I would love intensely. Maybe this would be the first holidays where she was old enough to be excited about a visit from Santa. Maybe she looks like her mom.

Of course, maybe she’s not a girl at all. Maybe my third-grader has a little brother instead. Three little boys, even if one of us is disguised as an almost-40-year-old.

The house is different. The plan was to move.

Thanksgiving and Christmas Day plans are different too. What was supposed to be busy and filled with family will be something else.

Maybe my imaginary daughter or son would have just been disappointed anyway.

I always had an idea in my head about what Life would look like. It never occurred to me it would be anything but that. But then Real Life happened.

We’d always talked about two kids. But after abandoning my wife in the hospital five hours after she delivered our son via emergency C-section, and then leaving the creation and management of baby logistics to her throughout most of our first year as parents, I think I sapped her desire to go through anything like that again.

I once asked her if I was the reason she chose not to have more children.

She said yes.

. . .

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.

. . .

I read that yesterday in MBTTTR commenter Drew’s excellent blog post about marital affairs.

This is a Life Thing I had picked up on when I was still young. I always said: “Expectations are everything.”

And what I mean by that is, my enjoyment or disappointment in something—or rather, my initial perception of something’s quality—was based entirely on my expectations prior to the experience.

Things like movies and books taught me this.

I can go to the theater to see two movies of approximately equal quality, say Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and Avatar; or I can listen to two new albums for the first time—say AWOLNATION’s Run and Brian Fallon’s Painkillers—and my feelings about all of them are predicated entirely on what I thought heading in.

I thought Avatar was going to be the greatest achievement in cinematic history. It didn’t achieve that for me. The Force Awakens met my expectations entirely. Both movies, in my estimation, are of equal quality, but I like Force Awakens quite a bit more, and I think that’s why.

Same with AWOL and Brian Fallon. I expected to like the AWOL album. And I did.

I didn’t have any expectations whatsoever for Brian Fallon (front man for The Gaslight Anthem). And that album kicks ass. I don’t know whether I think it’s better than AWOL’s or not. But BECAUSE it was an out-of-nowhere pleasant surprise for me, I have a major fondness for it.

Maybe everyone does this.

Maybe I’m a little extreme. Or maybe some people are much better at accurately predicting their emotional responses to things, and maybe those people have much happier and healthier relationships and lives as a result.

I only know that pretty much all of my life experiences are impacted greatly by whether Real Life meets, exceeds, or falls short of, my prior expectations.

This has implications for my human relationships I’ve yet to wrap my head around.

This Isn’t Where I Thought I’d Be

Divorce changed everything.

That’s a MAJOR reset-button push when you don’t see it coming, or are in denial about its inevitability once a certain amount of breakage and ugliness has poisoned the marriage.

Everything in the very beginning is a blur.

When everything is broken on the inside of you, the world looks skewed and it’s impossible to tell whether what you’re seeing is wrong because it’s actually wrong, or because your brain’s Reality Calibration is busted.

I had just turned 34 when Everything became Something Else.

After a lifetime of companionship and/or reliable care from loving and responsible adults, I woke up to silence and a reflection in the mirror I hardly recognized.

Everything felt unsteady and out of balance, and even now, I can’t be sure how much of that to attribute to the psychological and emotional trauma of ending a nine-year marriage and losing half of my son’s childhood, and how much was simply the radical change in environment.

Where there used to be a person making noise in the house—Being a mom. Eating dinner with me. Talking on the phone. Watching TV. Walking around.

Where there used to be life and conversation and full calendars and partnership and the pitter-pattering of little feet and the stability and reliability and comfort that comes from waking up to This Is Normal And Right… there was nothing.

A void.

. . .

I was obsessed with dating at first. Not actually doing it, per se because I wasn’t very good at it and it all felt so, just, off. Wrong.

But at age 34 the ticking clock was louder than I’d realized. And I felt like filling the new void in my life quickly should be a priority.

After all, I was clearly the kind of guy who got married and lived that kind of life. Which meant, I faced the monumental task of finding someone who fit what is probably an impossible list of criteria, that I then loved along with any children she might have, and was loved by her (as would my son be), and felt secure enough in all of that to get married again.

When you’ve never been single and divorced before, it’s easy to imagine that happening in a three- to five-year window (which I did).

But then Real Life happened.

The clock ticks.

The calendar pages flip.

The seasons change.

You mark another line higher on the wall where you measure your child’s height.

You tell him to put on a pair of pants only to discover they no longer fit.

One Christmas turns into two, and then three with a fourth fast-approaching.

And then you wake up, and it’s today.

Divorced and Single Four Holiday Seasons Later

There was a part of me during the early days of this blog that believed I’d eventually have a relationship to tell you about.

Not all the nitty-gritty. I keep too much private for that.

But at least a birds-eye view of giving Round 2 a genuine shot while armed with what I believe I’ve learned about life and love and relationships. I thought maybe that would help people. I thought maybe that would help me.

But that’s not where things are.

That’s not Real Life.

In actuality, I’m just a guy who read a crap-ton of New Zealand travel guides so I can tell you all about the country, but I’ve never actually forked over the money nor invested the time to experience it myself.

(That was a metaphor. I haven’t actually read a bunch of New Zealand travel guides.)

But I’m not even sure that’s right.

That suggests fear. And I’m not afraid.

I guess I feel more like the tired old man coaching basketball (even though I certainly don’t think of myself as a “coach,” or that I’m qualified to instruct others in any way). I know what good basketball is supposed to look like, but am not inclined to get back out on the floor to play in any games.

Maybe I feel too tired. Or too old. Or too busy.

I don’t know.

I also don’t know whether to feel good, bad or indifferent about it.

As in all things, there’s some good and some bad.

But I’m learning to have fewer expectations. Less disappointment, you know? Maybe less joy, too.

I wouldn’t know.

. . .

I’m trying to remember what my daughter’s name would have been. The one I never had.

Julianne? Julie Anne? A J-name that stopped mattering the second I held my son.

Or did it?

I think about that little girl a lot. The one who never was.

And the family that isn’t. The one I used to know. And the one I’d imagined with them. And the one I was forced to imagine for a reimagined world.

But I wish I would stop. Because in The Way Things Are vs. The Way They Should Be, I’m not sure we’re always smart enough to know the difference.

And with these little ones involved, real or imagined, how much can we afford to get disillusioned by reality falling short of what we’d expected or hoped for?

. . .

Thank God she didn’t die after birth or from miscarriage.

Or that she didn’t fall ill.

Or that she never ran away or went missing.

Or that the courts never said I couldn’t see her.

Or that her family never lost her precious life.

Or that my son never lost his little sister.

And that we never had to sob over that too.

Maybe I don’t make it to today, had that not been the case.

But there’s still a bit of tragedy in Never Was.

And I can’t help but wonder sometimes about an alternative life where I chose other options and turned to different Choose Your Own Adventure pages with entirely different outcomes.

Because that would have been cute, right? Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade? Showing her massive balloons? Reminding my eldest to be kind to his sister? Putting up the Christmas tree and watching her face as we plugged in the lights for the first time?

I’d have liked that, even if the real-life version would have gone an entirely different way.

I’d have especially liked the part where I told her about that first night in the hospital where I stayed awake all night holding her so mommy could sleep.

Many years later, we’d teach older children how things that seem innocuous in a moment can redefine everything in the future.

We’d talk about having expectations. About the bad. And the good.

About regrets. And triumphs.

About fear. And hope.

We’d all show up, and just be.

Because that’s everything, really. Showing up. Being present. And being invested.

The reason my life is as it is today is virtually 100% because I failed to show up because I was too ignorant to know I was supposed to, too irresponsible to actually do it, or too selfish to actually want to.

It’s not always Life and Death, but maybe just Life and Never Was.

But sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference.

This post was previously published on Must Be This Tall To Ride and is republished here with permission from the author.

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Ways to Spice Up Your Sexual Relationship with Sex Toys

These days, sex toys are so prevalent in our society that they’re regularly talked about on public media forums such as radio shows, magazines, and television broadcasts. The taboo is finally gone, but the thrill is still there and we should all be thankful for it. And while these kinds of pleasure products have been around since the dawn of time, today’s marital aid is nothing like the ones our ancestors used to have.

Modern science has revealed a lot about the human body, and in turn we have discovered much about sexual health. As it turns out, frequent orgasms are good for a person’s overall wellbeing and can help someone feel more connected to society. In fact, even the legendary John James suggests using sex toys on a regular basis, especially if you’re in a monogamous or long-distance relationship. It seems like everyone has jumped on the STB (sex toy bandwagon), which is why using them to spice things up in your bedroom is now considered such a great idea.

On the other hand, it’s not always appropriate to whip out a new pleasure product in front of your partner because these are very personal matters. Some people get offended by the concept, while others remain curious without answers for years until they’re so out of touch with the market that they have no idea where to start. Communication is key when it comes to kink, and luckily, there are several ways to make it less awkward.

3 Steps to Successfully Introducing the Concept of Sex Toys to Your Partner 

The first few conversations about sexual fetishes and fantasies in a relationship can be lit. They can also be literally counterproductive. If you don’t do things right from the start, you could end up scarring your partner’s perception and make the topic taboo in your own home while the rest of the world celebrates their sexual freedom. Don’t go setting the bridge on fire before you ever cross it, follow these simple communication steps instead:

STEP ONE: Be Open about Your Wants, Needs and Fears 

Talk candidly with your partner about what you desire, what you crave, and what you want to avoid because it will encourage your partner to do the same thing in turn. Ask about things like hard/soft limits, skin allergies, and material, lube, or sensation preferences. Once the truth is out in the open, you’ll be able to suggest various sex toys, positions and accessories that could help you both reach a kinkier compromise.

TIP: Bring up the topic while enjoying porn and/or during a routine sex act that you both enjoy. Treat sex toys like a safe and satisfying enhancement to your already amazing session to make your partner more confident about incorporating one.

STEP TWO: Explore All Your Options

Did you know that the sex toy industry is large enough to contain products for every erogenous zone known on the human body? So, whether you’re talking about the penis, the clitoris, the anus, the nipples, or otherwise, there’s something available to pique your interests. The modern-day market takes in all sorts and all experience levels, with some devices made to “grow with the flow” such as in the case of the inflatable dildo. Simply use the information gathered in step one to determine which options are best for your relationship.

TIP: Certain sex toy brands offer several different models of the same toy design, while others let you fully customize your materials, settings, textures and/or experiences through various high-tech, industry-leading features such as Bluetooth, virtual reality, wireless remote controlling, and even motion sensors.

STEP THREE: Start Small, Work Your Way Up from There 

When talking about the subject and looking through the available options, don’t forget to consider your realities. While you may have big plans and exciting fantasies, it’s important to realize that this is a whole new ballgame for your partner. Always start small, especially if you’re using insertable sex toys like dildos, prostate massagers and vibrators. Remember, you can always go bigger if you need to, but you can’t always go smaller in the heat of the moment. Just as a general rule, extra-large products probably aren’t appropriate for beginners.

TIP: If size is essential to you and/or your partner, try to get something that has adjustable dimensions or tailored functionality. Some devices feature things like customizable canal tightness, built-in suction controls, and interchangeable masturbation sleeves to give the average consumer a more versatile experience.

Exciting Ways to Bring Sex Toys into the Bedroom 

Unfortunately, talking to your partner and conducting a little market research isn’t the end of the story. Next, you’ll have to figure out an exciting way to bring a new sex toy into the bedroom without spoiling the surprise or ruining the vibe. Here are three ways a pro would do it:

  • Present It as a Special Gift 

When most people think of a sex toy, they imagine a flimsy cardboard box with a clear, plastic window in the front – one or two sexy people posed seductively to entice your urge to buy the product. And while that might work at the checkout counter, it won’t do much in the way of impressing your partner. If you want to present your new device as a gift, you’ll have to buy one that comes in better packaging. Fortunately, many of today’s best manufacturers swaddle their toys in attractive containers made from all sorts of materials – wood, metal, satin and silk. Some are even made to look like common household objects, so you could literally purchase a sex toy and put it under the Christmas tree and nobody would be the wiser.

TIP: Don’t forget to look for appropriate accessories, add-ons, cleaning supplies and lubricants to make it the perfect present.

  • Slide It in Unexpectedly 

As long as you’ve had an open and honest conversation with your partner beforehand, it’s perfectly acceptable to slip a new sex toy into gameplay unexpectedly. In fact, your lover will probably be waiting for it after seeing you flex those amazing communication skills. Don’t be afraid to incorporate modest BDSM practices to make it more interesting. There’s nothing quite like being tied up and/or blindfolded by a partner right before they introduce something unfamiliar and pleasurable to your body.

TIP: Drop hints before the big day just to help calibrate where your partner’s head is at in terms of their acceptance of using sex toys.

  • Get Interactive with It 

Long-distance relationships are especially receptive to the use of sex toys and accessories, and their biggest ally comes in the form of interactive, remote-controlled pleasure devices with couples-friendly features. Many of them allow users to intermingle in real-time with a partner who is a world away, some of which can even be paid performers and porn stars who endorse the toy in question. Even in-person relationships benefit from these devices because they allow for a more personal connection between partners despite not having any real physical contact with each other.

TIP: To use interactive devices, be ready to spend some extra money on necessary equipment like internet connections and/or mobile data services, virtual reality goggles, compatible devices, etc.

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Why They Really Ghosted You


Shazam.

They disappeared.

Or perhaps you had good sex…

And reach out, but no response.

You are left hurt, confused, and left with the question”What did I do?! / What is wrong with me?”

So why does this occur?

Well first, a person’s lack of ability to get confrontations and speak their truth doesn’t have anything to do with you personally.
1- They see the see your worth and don’t feel {} enough to maintain a relationship with you, so that they just simply leave
two – They see that you need commitment and that is something they might not be prepared for in this phase in their lifetime
3- They watched you in a glance and as they got to know you better, they just realized it was not a match.

So rather than facing you and saying”Hey, I do not think this will work out”… they just LEAVE!

Now, it is good intended because they do not want to hurt you, but in leaving… they really DO hurt you.

So what now are you left to do?

1- Do not take it personally. Now, if this does keep happening, it is a pattern and patterns show us things to work on. But if it only happens once, do not get so hung up on it.
Sometimes among the biggest reasons I have seen people ghost is by a kind of neediness… from you! I know for mepersonally, people would ghost since I’d cling on and project into the future since I REALLLLYYYY needed it to function, and in doing this, they did not feel liberated… they could feel the controller, so they left. The needier you’re the less attractive you are, so dropping the neediness and supporting yourself and getting the one instead of searching for the one like its a search… will help out tremendously.

Two – Speak your truth. Now, of course this person ghosted you so that they do not need to talk… so a text message is the best course of action. The text should not come from your harm where you want to attack them so that they can”alter”… It should come from the heart, sending them to appreciate”even though”… and should be written something like this:
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know I had an wonderful time with you. It seems as if you are going through some things and you are not open to speaking and that is leaving me feeling (hurt confused), and I just wanted you to be mindful of me and my feelings. You don’t need to respond to this, and I truly care about you. Wish you the best.”

That’s Very Different than:
“Why won’t you answer to me?!” or anything of the like.

It is coming from your higher self that is just letting other men and women become aware of what they’re making other people feel when they ghost. Because that is the beauty of ghosting for them, they DON’T see how it affects you.

Maybe from that, they will respond back and develop. Perhaps they never do and keep repeating the same patterns. But in the end of the day, that is their path and none.

So often we’re focused on trying to fix and find out others on what they need and what they require. That stuff is important, but we will need to spend more time figuring yourself out and curing yourself so that we can become more. And we do not need it. So we can then develop into the one and magnetize us, rather than hoping to”find” the one.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Drama-Proof My Relationship?

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

Your pillar here and on Kotaku have helped me a great deal before and I’m currently in a situation where my friends are giving contradictory advice and I felt like that was the ideal place to turn for clarity.

There is some context before I (she/her) enter this specific situation: I am currently a graduate student in a program with a fairly small class size and that’s led to a somewhat poisonous atmosphere where gossip reigns supreme. I have managed to stay fairly under the radar with a reasonable quantity of work, maintaining my private life totally personal, distracting questions, and making it clear I do not tolerate BS in regards to work. The worst my relationships with classmates gets is that the degree of remote but cordial coworkers.

I became close with just a few classmates and realized a couple of months ago that I have feelings for one of these. I was planning on talking to him about it and seeing if there was any chance he would be interested, but lately things have happened that have made me wonder how well I know him. He and I are friends, but we have known each other for less than a year and lately he pulled some shit that prompted plenty of class gossip. Some have fairly obvious, deliberate lies, some fairly obviously directed at his buddies to find out what our response would be.

A couple people were hurt by what happened, but we have talked to him about it. It was a very honest conversation and we are all still close. I thought I’d worked through it because the hurt was accidental and what happened was a group of mishaps and honest stupidity. The entire story wasn’t even that bad it was only a collection of stupid decisions in the worst possible circumstances.When we spoke, he also seemed to understand that a whole lot of his activities came out of the very typical man thing where he did not unpack plenty of his justification before just diving into things. He appeared to be serious about trying to be better and also to thank before he acts. However, I am hearing different accounts about what happened from various people, and a few friends who do not understand everything have fairly negative opinions about him today.

My question is this: if I still have that conversation about relationship with him? I have kind of powerful feelings for him, and I do trust he explained the truth about what occurred. I really don’t want to get sucked into this bizarre middle school drama my app has going. Is it selfish to be concerned about my reputation? I actually just want clarity but is that worth all of the possible hassle?

Before I get to your particular question, RA, let us work backwards. Yes, it is totally reasonable not to want a relationship due to the drama-bomb it may set off on your life. It might be that they’re in the center of a controversial and bitter divorce. They could have a profession that puts them under the microscope, along with your relationship them may invite people to pry into your life also. Or they are someone who lives their life by the”hold my beer” doctrine and does not give a second’s thought to the possible consequences of their actions… especially if those are impacts which other individuals have to manage.

However, by the same token, I have seen plenty of awesome individuals who have been fucked over by circumstances out their control. They’d orbiters and stalkers who strove to make life miserable for anybody who’d date them. A whole lot of times, the objective of these movements is not simply to fuck over someone for the LOLs but to completely isolate them from anything resembling a service community — from friends to lovers to co-workers to companies.

I’m not gont lie: it takes a special sort of person who’s willing to stand together with the target of that type of potential shitstorm, and those people can be tough to discover.

So in the abstract: {} understandable that you may decide to not date someone due to the possible drama. However, by that same token, you are allowed not to date someone for any reason you decide on, in the drama llama in their own lives to how their nose whistles when they breathe. Folks get to choose what their private deal-breakers are, however absurd it might seem to an outside party.

Now with all that said, let’s discuss your situation, RA. You have a couple things that you would like to take into account before you dive into this specific relationship.

The first is straightforward: how much can you trust this man versus the men and women who have first-hand details? However, by the same token… sometimes that gossip is not malicious, it is defense. There’re tons of spaces where data is distributed by whisper networks since the culture supports and defends the poor actors over their victims. Even the famed Shitty Media Men record was shared as a means to let girls know who to be watching for, not to slander innocent guys because FUCK YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY.

So you are gonna need to make a gut-check about if this man is being straight with you — both about what happened and how he is trying to do better.

The next question is: how much does this gossip really influence your life? It is one thing if you are handling high-school bullshit — snickers from the halls, whispers and dirty looks and absurd rumors. It is another if these are behaviours that may actually affect your life — both in the here and now and when you complete the program. Are these individuals who’ll attempt to isolate you from friends and family by making linking with you poisonous to their social wellbeing?

When it’s just annoying high-school mean-girl shit: are you ready to dismiss it or grit your teeth and power through it till you complete your graduate program? If it’s the latter… well, frankly, if things are that bad, I would be more concerned about getting the fuck out of the program over relationship someone.

But the last question you need to ask is the most important: is this man worth the possible headaches? This is not an idle question; any relationship will come with its own particular challenges and it’s own slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Some of us are completely worth it; they are reasonable people in unreasonable scenarios, and a connection with them will be enriching and amazing that it is worth the fight. Others are not; they might be a dirty great time, but the possible drawbacks outweigh what they bring to the table. After all — as Alanna Massey famously put it — dick is abundant and of low value. Everyone has their flaws, so concentrate on the great and what attracts you to him. If he’s a fantastic man who perhaps needed to learn how to think before he acts and reveals he’s really willing to meet his potential, then it could well be worth the possible gossip and drama. If this is a man who is a fantastic time but not always a love for the ages… well, there are other Slab Squatthrust’s out there who do not include a side-order of dull social politicking.

Very good luck.

I am a woman in a long-term relationship with a guy. We do not have too many problems in our relationship and those we do have we have talked about and are actively addressing. There’s 1 thing though, that is sort of come up as an issue that we have talked about but do not really know how to fix: stickin’ it in my bum.

He has never done anal and wants to try, I have tried it and love it with a considerate partner (which he is). However, the couple of times we have worked our way up to it, his body hasn’t actually cooperated. He is hard while he lubes up me and I am playing with his penis, but he goes soft when he attempts to put it in. I guess he’s psyching out himself — he puts a whole lot of focus on how he sees this as a sort of gift that I am honoring him (I really don’t see it that way, but I never saw any harm in that belief until today ), and I wonder whether he is dealing with performance anxiety. We have talked about it and he sets down it to lack of stimulation whilst managing the logistics of speed and positioning, but admits he might also be placing too much burden on the act to have the ability to perform.

We have set an unspoken grip on things for now — I guess if he keeps trying and failing it is going to turn into a Big Thing in his mind and it’ll get worse. We’ve got a perfectly satisfying sex life without it, but I know he still wants to try (and I am kinda excited about being his first in this specific arena).

Do you have any ideas about getting over the cock-softening mental block? I am more than delighted to keep him physically aroused during prep, but I would love some suggestions about the best way best to maintain his heads in the game also.

Thanks!

I guess part of the problem your boyfriend is having is that he sees anal as this large undertaking — the type of thing that is generally reserved for porn rather than something that girlfriends do. The fact he’s treating this as a”present” you are giving him, instead of a new and distinct sexual activity that you like, leads me to think he thinks you are not into this. If he is holding on to this idea that you are doing things under some type of duress, or that you are only doing this for him, then I am not surprised he is deflating a bit. It is sweet — he does not need to do something he believes you don’t want — but it is going to be a continuing problem if he can not bring himself to take”YES YES YES” for a response.

Now there’re various alternatives for the physical side of this equation. The two of you can, by way of instance, head over to the local sex shop and find a cock ring. Lots of men and women use cockrings to keep their erections; the rings help limit the blood-flow within an erect penis so the blood can not leave the penile tissues and leave him at half-mast. This would help mitigate the dilemma of trying to maintain his hard-on through the prep and warm up.

However, I guess the better answer is to dial back on penetration for today and instead, work anal play in a routine sexual routine. When it’s the (gentle) use of hands, a butt-plug (be sure it has a flared base) or other forms of anal stimulation and play, the more he experiences you appreciating buttstuff, the less he will see it because this sacrifice you are making on his behalf. By demystifying it and taking it out of being this deep event and more just one more way the both of you please one another, he will have the ability to escape his mind and put his focus where it belongs: on both of you.

She and her partner Matt have quite a few great educational comics about anal sex and anal play, which might help him get over any hang-ups he is considering getting up in there.

Very good luck.

This post was formerly published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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