Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Tell People I Am a Virgin?


I am a junior in college who’s very busy all the time with school and activities. I am a nursing major, so I’m constantly spending some time at the library studying for hours and hours. I’m a really social person and enjoy being with other people, but one thing I am lacking — I have never been in a relationship and I am a virgin.

I know {} something I shouldn’t be ashamed of, but in our culture, it attracts my confidence down a good deal. It is not that I am not interested in a relationship, but I have never had a chance for you personally, so I feel like I’m behind and do not know how to speak with guys.

Not a lot of folks know I am a virgin, as I just try to prevent the topic and have {} just went along with the fact that I’ve had sex, despite the fact that I haven’t.

How do I become more confident with myself and how would I go about talking to some man about my lack of expertise?

I could really use your information, as I’ve been fighting with this for a couple of years. THANK YOU!!!

First Timer

One of the issues with how our society deals with sexuality and sex is that we wind up creating problems where there {} be any. Virginity is a classic example of this, since it functions as a perverse double-edged sword. Men have a challenging time using being virgins and with little sexual encounter as it’s regarded as a mark of being a failure as a man. In addition, we assume that all men are horny satyrs who are ready for sex at any time. Because of this, we not only teach men that not having sex is shameful, but we also ignore the times when men have been abused or mistreated. When, say, a twelve year old is raped by his teacher or babysitter, we are more vulnerable to discuss how blessed he was or just how much of a stud he was to bang an older girl.

Women, on the other hand, are taught that their worth is from the sex they do not have. That women should be sexy but not sexual, that by not having sex they are staying”pure”. We can all think of times women are shamed for having a lot of sex partners, when a lot of translates to”any”. Shitty dudes will speak about girls”riding the cock carousel” in precisely the same breath where they will brag about the dozens to hundreds of girls they have supposedly plowed. But at exactly the same time, women that are virgins past a certain age — again, when that era tends to interpret”teenagers” — are seen as damaged, broken or distressed. People joke about how virgins are great because they do not know any better so they will assume you are the best at sex, or the way it’s risky to sleep with a virgin since she will get clingy and emphasise on you like a baby gosling. They will assume she must have something wrong with her, emotionally or physically or she has to be a religious zealot, whatever the actual facts on the ground.

And unfortunately, lots of this shame gets in our minds and people that have little or no sexual experience, for some of perfectly understandable reasons, internalize that pity. You are in that headspace yourself; intellectually, you know there is nothing to be ashamed of, but you still feel awkward about it. And so you remain quiet about it. And perversely, that silence ends up perpetuating the stigma, because now nobody has that counter-example in their own lives.

And here is the thing: you are hardly the only person who’s virgin in their 20s, whether man, woman or non-binary. While you’re a bit to the side of the middle of the bell curve, around 13 percent of girls 20-24 are still virgins; not common, but certainly not rare or unheard of. All this indicates is that you are in good company; you will find more people like you than you understand.

So the first thing I’d suggest is not to treat being a virgin like something to be ashamed of. It is no more a defining feature than if you have ever eaten roasted crickets before. The less you treat it like something unusual or black, the less other people will. The people who do give you shit are just proving themselves to be assholes and assholes are gonna ass, no matter what. You have better things to do than worry about the opinions of assholes.

The second issue is that if and when you do talk about it, do not justify it as though you have done something wrong. People will respond to the way you treat being a virgin. If you do not treat it as something bizarre or unusual or a big deal, others won’t either. You are incredibly busy — I mean, you are a nursing student, c all — and you just have not had time to date or pursue a relationship. That’s all. Folks understand what it is like to be this busy not to have time for anything else. If anybody asks, all you’ve got to say is”I have been too busy with school and work, so it has not been a priority.”

How they respond will tell you a good deal about what you will need to know about them. Some will believe your first time will be momentous or”a gift” or any other thing. Others will take it as just one more fact about you.

And if and when you do decide you are ready to sleep with someone for the first time, just be sure it’s somebody who is likely to be considerate of you and your pleasure. Not in certain”ok that is gonna be uneasy” manner (which is more myth than fact ) but in the sense of being a fantastic lover generally.

After all, if you are gonna sleep with somebody, they need to be worth it.

Very good luck.

Hey Doc,

Long time reader (first found you through google). My question is not dating-related but it’s on something you have talked about every now and then.

Long story short–I can not find a buddy group or anything remotely similar. I have tried to connect with other men and women who share my interests (gambling and at one stage card games) but each time I’ve tried it has been games I do not play (i.e., Smash or till lately COD/Halo, though I do not mind watching any of these, TBH) or I have come from the match up bawling like a baby (something my parents can attest to) or worse, either. I can not begin to tell you how many times I walked into gambling meetup where they were playing Smash or something, figured”eh, I could at least observe,” within ten minutes some asshole shouts a particular”r” word (or worse) and I go home shaken. Hell, a couple of years ago I’d routinely hear”f*g” thrown around in a kids’ CARD GAME circle and the first time I tried online gambling (something I DEEPLY regret…) I got called the n-word (yes, actually ) along with being cyber stalked and sexually harassed in the match’s PMs (I am a dude, but the douchebag on the other end kept calling me”woman” and well…you know the rest).

I guess it doesn’t help that I am not on social media in any respect. Nothing against it personally it is just…well. I was the child who, if myspace (recall that dinosaur?) First showed up, was completely puzzled why anybody would want to be on it and still feel like that about Twitter and the like (besides business reasons). It doesn’t help that I can not stand fandom culture (too much nostagia-bating circlejerk yappin’ about how amazing the 80s/90s/whatever was half of the time).

Is there any surefire way to prevent the toxic bullshit? Or does EVERY”male-centric” (I use that term loosely) nerd community behave like a fucking frat house full of supposedly grown-up manbabies?

You can not completely insulate yourself from encountering assholes, TLG. Assholes gonna ass, and a great deal of people have determined that trash talk and shitty behaviour is merely a core element of competition in general and gamer culture specifically.

But that does not mean every group will be the exact same cadre of smack talk and casual racism, trans- and homophobia. You might want to begin by checking out gaming stores in your area, especially tabletop gaming shops and seeing if they have regular game nights. However, you will want to be picky about which gambling shops you go to. You can nearly always judge a shop’s clientele by the shop itself and its own employees. If the folks working in the shop are the exact same type of folks who believe shit talking is cool, then the chances are higher that you are going to obtain the identical toxic behavior you’re seeking to avoid. On the other hand, if the shop is well-lit, well-organized with friendly and diverse staff who act appropriately, they are FAR less inclined to put up with people acting like 12 year old edgelords.

You may also need to spend some time on local boards and forums to your city generally. When there’s a subreddit to your city, which may be a fantastic place to not only meet local people and vet them, but to also find gaming groups which are not as crappy.

And at worst? Establish your own MeetUp for any game you are interested in playing, make good sportsmanship component of these rules for attending and be the change you wish to see in gambling.

Very good luck.

Hi Doc,

I saw you like to get follow-ups from previous columns so that I wanted touch base and thank you so much for your help with my previous query about being clingy and sabotaging my relationships.

I followed the advice that you mentioned and enhanced my communication style and figured out what was becoming to me and the best way to concentrate on overcoming my fears. It ends up really talking with him about it helped so much. He is not the very confrontational person when it comes to feelings (i.e. total goofball) but he heard me out, we spoke about it soon, the elephant in the room had dissipated — all while we got a better comprehension of each other. So much so that we are moving in together this summer (and yes, it is miraculously somehow in the exact same building! Serendipity, you are seriously trendy AF)

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for all you do. Your column and podcast provide vital information for everybody, not just dudes but also the girls ladies to know each other better and I am very thankful for it.

Wonderful! Thank you for letting us know how you are doing, AN, and congratulations on what exercising!

This post was formerly published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished here with permission from the author.

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