At the same week, I found myself in a conversation about a dad controlling his daughter’s sexuality and I watched a documentary about an entire nation controlling female sexuality.

When you are under a rock, social media almost blew up when Rapper T.I. stated in an interview he followed his 18-year-old daughter to the gynecologist for her annual exam to confirm that her hymen was intact. HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996) legislation are set up so women over the age of consent don’t need to allow their parents to the room nor discuss the results of evaluations related to their sexual health.

T.I. bragged about dismissing his daughter’s rights, telling her to sign the form that states he can get information regarding her sexual health and then demanding the outcomes from the reluctant physician. And, though that physician explained that an intact hymen does not prove virginity, T.I. felt the need to brag about his daughter staying a virgin on a podcast interview that would be broadcast all over social networking and blogs.

However, there were people on the internet, fathers and mothers, who maintained his disregard for the humiliation to his daughter was”a father protecting his daughter” or”they’d do exactly the same thing”.

To begin with, I’m mortified with this young woman. Sexuality is personal and it should be something you decide to show on your own once you feel comfortable.

A father bragging about his daughter’s virginity is comparable to the past when a father had”handed over his daughter” to be married and then paraded the damn sheets in front of people to prove he had made a good”product” in exchange for her dowry.

Let’s talk about the Hymen

The hymen is a tissue which tightens across the top of the vaginal canal. It’s now known as the”vaginal corona”.

It will not break and is forever gone. It can endure minor ruptures, which cure within one day. The appearance of the vaginal corona differs for every woman. The vaginal corona is not the identifier of if a woman has sex or not. Women who have babies still have a complete vaginal corona despite the fact that the appearance may change. Additionally, the vaginal corona can wear away with time.

Virginity is a sexual fantasy. It was a tool of labour production. In patriarchal societies, male leaders wanted children to be born to improve productivity and they had control over those kids. Since this was pre-birth control and paternity tests, the best way to understand who were your kids was to control the sexuality of the woman giving birth to them. This would lead to wealth and, finally, political power.

Society created virginity and made it the hallmark of purity. You appreciate after your loss of virginity plummeted, regardless of how it happened. This created fear among girls and dads that when a woman consented to sex before marriage she would not be of value to significant men or that she would not be cared for by a guy who would basically use her to give birth to his empire.

Finally, faith got in on it. Then, it just because a guilt-free-for all with everybody feeling entitled to use a woman’s sexuality but for the woman who owned it.

Fathers would advertise their daughters as a prime product for a wealthy businessperson and authorities her sexuality to make sure he received top dollar.

Butif she was not able to prove she had never had sex, then she would bring shame on her loved ones and end up a spinster who would never wed making her a burden on her family.

But we progressed past this, right?

Not exactly. In spite of the sexual agency, a lot of women have managed to recover there are still guys who”clock the miles on her vagina” and feel entitled to judge women harshly on their sexual habits, choices or previous decisions. The term”hoe” is thrown at any girl somebody feels has had one too many spouses beyond the”magic” acceptable number of sexual partners, which there really isn’t one.

Some guys also have very little understanding that an empowered young lady with a loving father for instance will naturally make distinct sexual decisions compared to a lady with no representation in her life. There’s absolutely not any need to see her gynecologist, bully her into signing away her approval and then burst to the world that she’s stayed chaste like her making the choice to have sex makes her less of a woman.

Sexual Rights and the One-Child Policy

At precisely the exact same time that all of this was happening, I saw a documentary on Amazon Prime known as,”One Child Nation.”

The documentary follows a woman as she learns the expense of the One Child Policy in her native homeland China. The coverage began in 1979 and continued until 2015 as a bid to stop over-population from the Chinese Government.

Based on the documentary, the government used propaganda through tv and audio to convince its citizens that the law was mandatory. Then, enforced the law by threatening imprisonment to those who violated to the law and tried to have extra children.

The documentary opened my eyes up. Medical officials and women who lived through it explained girls kidnapped, hog-tied and forced to have abortions. A Midwife said she would induce pregnancy in women, up to 8 and 9 months forcing them to give birth and then she would euthanize the babies herself.

They spoke about babies who were abandoned by parents who did not wish to lose their”one child privilege” by maintaining a daughter. They wanted to test again for a son. Infants were being abandoned everywhere in hopes that somebody would find them and give them a better life. Girls became a very low value in the eyes of parents because they wanted sons to develop, take their name and look after their household. Girls left and took care of somebody else’s house so it turned into a financial loss to maintain a daughter.

This might seem extreme, but it the most disturbing picture of getting someone else pick your sexual rights and put a low value on your own humanity.

Is the protection a dad like T.I. is offering his daughter about maintaining her”pure” or”secure” from guys or is it a fear that’s been embedded into our society about a daughter losing value once she has become sexually active? She’s not a”good woman”. Or, is it merely controlling what he sees as an extension of himself rather than believing, living human being with her own feelings and desires? Can he be congratulating his daughter for showing a restraint he has not demanded of himself. However, not by her choice but by his coercion through exploitation and controlling behaviour.

We won’t even discuss how parading your daughter’s sexuality would open her up to the predators you claim to want to keep her protected from. That is another discussion.

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Beyond Pleasure


There is a fascinating idea in Conscious Sexuality that lets us look at sexuality differently and opens up a huge possibility.

It is about going beyond joy. For many people, sex is about pleasure, about climax. And I need to say that I am rather happy about that, so much of my job is helping you’ve got more pleasure, and so lots of my assignments are about pleasure.

But there is more, so much more.

There is a context for why sex is about pleasure–that is normally in the area of fascination, of love, of a connection of some description. And within this circumstance, we come together to experience pleasure.

What happens if we take pleasure out as a target?

It is going to be there anyway since our genitals are involved. And we’ve got all these remarkable nerves and pleasure centers which are stimulated anyway. But let us go to some place where there is more. And in this, in addition to dropping the objective of pleasure, perhaps we can drop the story and circumstance also.

What happens if gender became about energy, about exploring a few of the possibilities of sexual energy? About building that in the body to use for meditation, for creativity, for inspiration, etc..

We can learn how to direct the energy to certain places in the body that we may need it.
We can learn how to channel it into imagination.
We can use this to achieve altered states of consciousness, as a means to have a religious experience.

What happens if I want to concentrate on my heart through sexual activity, go deeply into that energy by breathing, by placing all my aim on that heart, and what is going on in the rest of my body is secondary? How about researching different sensations in my body, in my yoni, in my lingam?
How about using gender as a tool for self-inquiry, what will different experiences bring me up emotionally, what will they activate, and how do I heal these? How about these experiences being a part of dropping the labels and limitations that I might have accepted from others, or taken on myself?

What makes this interesting is that I believe we need to go deeply into joy first.

So a lot people struggle with aspects of enjoyment. So many women aren’t having orgasms, are having painful intercourse, aren’t able to let go, have suppressed their desire and their sexual passion.

So many guys have reaction and ejaculation issues, are not able to let go, have suppressed their sexual desire and sexual passion.

So lots of people, in a universe of incredible stress battle with libido problems, with familiarity, with being sexually accurate and participated.

We must go into joy first, heal these aspects of ourselves, express and explore them. We will need to understand who we are sexually.

We must also explore consciousness, know what holds us in patterns, the constraints we live with, the beliefs that keep us alive conditioned lives. Then we begin to bring these together, and in this open the doors to a world of experiences that express our sexuality in a different manner.

We do not stop having pleasure.
We do not stop going deeper into joy, since there’s so much that’s beautiful and strong in these experiences.
We expand.
We enlarge our hearts, our minds, our bodies, our energy.

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